A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:There is so much to be sorry about but my ex has done so much towards me purposely to hurt me. I want to say sorry and just talk but do not want to be together at all. How does this all start? How does forgiveness start?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): Forgiveness starts with removing yourself from your anger and not letting it consume you. Overrule your guilt with sincere remorse for inflicting pain. That requires you to mentally take back the power and the peace that was stolen from you. Then owning your responsibility or contribution to the matter, but neither denying any real fault; nor assuming fault that really isn't yours.
We want vindication, an apology, and we want to see remorse on the face of whomever has caused us pain. When people set-out to hurt us, or do us harm by accident; the pain inflicted usually sweeps upon us in a vulnerable state. It catches us off-guard, or it is a time-bomb meant to go-off long after the culprit is beyond our reach. It can be slow-poison or an immediate attack.
We are left in shock, dismay, and even numb. Sometimes people are exacting their revenge for the pain we caused them; but the eye for an eye concept isn't always carried out that way. You took one, and they smote out both eyes.
It is not easy to forgive or fully forgive. It takes time to digest what was done to us, or to look back in retrospect on what we did to somebody else. So removing yourself from anger frees the mind to think. Anger paralyzes the thought processes. So we lose our self-control, sense of compassion, and we're knocked completely off-balance.
Once you gain control of your anger, that's when you can start subconsciously forgiving yourself. We sometimes wrongfully assume we brought things on ourselves, or rationalize in denial. So you have to forgive yourself first; unless something was done so tragic that life was lost or total destruction resulted from our actions. Then a debt is owed to the victim and society at large.
In relationships, we analyze the quality of the relationship, the depth of our feelings for the transgressor or our victim, and we decide how we would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. That is how we behave sensibly and with empathy.
We don't always have it together like that, but we have to start somewhere. Some people easily forgive. It's not that they are martyrs or suckers; but they have a handle on their anger and know how to take back their power. They refuse to be victims, held hostage emotionally, and don't allow other people to manipulate their feelings. This is strength and true integrity. If you are the perpetrator, you have to truly and sincerely extend your sorrow and remorse for your deeds. This will allow you to forgive yourself; because as humans we all make mistakes. You get an A for effort. If we truly feel guilt and remorse, we are more likely to apologize. That doesn't necessarily mean we'll receive forgiveness. Even if you regain your power and purge your anger, forgiveness still may not come easy or fully. You still have to move forward. Life goes on. Not in dismissal of someone's pain and injury; but because we all heal at our own pace.
Take time away from your ex and cutoff all contact. Allow time to heal you both, if he has been resistant to discussion. Most apologies are to ease our own conscience, not to soothe the pain of the enemy. So you've got to sort things out away from the scene of the crime. Let him deal with his wounds and sort out his issues.
Your ex may never forgive you, or use your guilt against you. So you process the forgiveness from within and hold -out until the moment is right to offer an apology; or to accept forgiveness. Unfortunately for some; it may take years to get to that point. So you free yourself from their entrapment. All things must past. Holding on to grudges and anger is self-defeating and counter-productive. Some people stay trapped in there own anger for years; until the toxin of their bitterness eats them from the inside out. Spending years and tons of cash on some therapist's couch. Still holding on to something long dead and gone. To me, that's weak, sad, and stupid. Wasted precious time, and life.
Forgiveness is divine. It frees the soul. It is not always easy to give, but it's healthier to let go in order to move on. You can't be suspended in time grieving over what someone did; or the fact you can't be forgiven for what you did. It's okay to take your time with forgiveness, under the condition that your trust be earned. Otherwise; you forgive and forget the transgressor, and get on with your life leaving them to fade into the past. You must move forward, and it starts with forgiveness. That includes you and the other(s) involved.
Have you ever seen a person who can't forgive happy? No, because they are imprisoned in their own bitterness. They don't deserve forgiveness when they've done harm; and that is likely to be their karma.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2016):
 For me? Forgiveness doesn't start till you CAN forgive. Sounds vague, but here goes.
Someone who has hurt you doesn't automatically DESERVE to be forgiven. You don't OWE them that. BUT you do OWE yourself to at some point DEAL with the issue, learn what you can from it and let it go. Which means you have to forgive YOURSELF first. With that, I do NOT imply that YOU did something wrong that in turn make the ex hurt you, but most people who get hurt end up carrying some guilt around and that guilt needs to be forgiven. That guilt needs to be set free.
At some point you will have worked through the issue (hopefully) and feel able to not carry the anger, resentment, and hurt with you - THAT is when forgiveness sets in.
Some people say "I forgive this or that" but they STILL carry around the hurt and lash out at the other person, THAT is not forgiveness. It's EASY to say the words, harder to actually MEAN them. My philosophy? Don't say till you mean it.
...............................
|
