A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a good man. He is 35 and I am 33yes old. I have a great job and social life. He has an ok job with the metro system in the UK. He has a 2yr old daughter and I have none. I am ready to settle and he is ready to settle down.We have started talking about marriage mostly because I did not agree to a LDR with him at first. Knowing he doesn't want to lose me, he's been showing me he really wants me in his life and involving me in his future plans. I finally agreed to being his girlfriend as he knows for sure he is willing to relocate to the US next year.Now I said all this because I need to know what it took for any woman to agree to want to spend their lives together with someone else. Also for those in LDR that led to marriage in which their spouse relocated, how was it starting over? How did he get a job? How long did he wait after moving to marry you?I have got lots on my mind. I've waited this long, I don't want to marry the wrong man. I like everything about him and I think I may have fallen in love as well. But is love enough? How do I know he's going to be a provider with this LDR? Could I be asking these questions because we really don't know each other well? It's only been two months and we've moved really fast. I don't mind the speed because I don't need anyone wasting my time at my age. What are the challenges to expect if your SO decides to move to where you are and has to start over? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): There's not a lot I can say because it's only been two months and you're both being selfish. His daughter NEEDS him. Any children you have together will WANT to see their sister as often as possible and they won't be able to because life will get in the way - like school.Take a few minutes to imagine that you have just had your darling child with this husband whom you've loved for a few years, then it doesn't work out and he meets someone in Thailand and decides to move there after 2 months. How heart-wrenching do you think it will be that the only immediate family member your child has is you - when she/he does have a sister, but can't visit her whenever they want and when his/her dad is in another country with another woman, starting another life and family that your child wouldn't see very often.What if he has to get a low wage job because his business fails in the US? Would you be able to pay for his back and forth trips to see his daughter only 4 times a year, as well as pay most of the bills? Would you pay for his accommodation or would you tell him you can't/won't pay for it all, so his young daughter can't see him for another few months?Personally, I don't like how the two of you (I'm not just blaming you) are so willing to rely on luck that he will be able to afford to frequently see his daughter. If he doesn't frequently want to see his daughter (like any less than two weekends a month) think of how much time he'd want to spend with any children you might have with him. Would you pay out of your child's college fund (or what there would be of it) to pay for this guy to visit is daughter if she was in hospital with pneumonia?I don't mean to be harsh or rude, but I don't think either of you realise how unfair and selfish you're both being to his daughter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe mother of his child and the child will stay in the UK. He will make frequent visits. He travels a lot anyways so it's not like anything will change as far as the number of times he sees his kid.
No he is not proving nothing to me. His plans to relocate has always been on his mind. It was US or Canada. That move was inevitable. I on the other hand will not move because I am more stable here. He really doesn't want a 9-5 job anymore. He is planning on staying focused on his business which is importing and exporting computer and electronic parts. But I'm sure he will want to work a little here when he moves even with the Business.
I don't doubt I'm in love, I just don't like to say those words. He is more into me and I like that. We will be seeing each other on already planned four visits this yr.
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A
female
reader, IzzySoph  +, writes (6 August 2014):
You're still young so you should feel like you need to talk about marriage after two months!! You're also asking a lot for him to completely change his life (and his kid's, for that matter). My advice would be is to try the long distance for a little longer and have a couple of trial runs. Have him stay in the US for a month or so, and maybe visit him in the UK for a month as well. If you want to see what hes like as a provider, then come over and see for yourself! Do some research as well, (i.e. applying for jobs in the US, average job availability and salary for someone in his line of work in the US). You need to get the logistics sorted as well as how you actually feel about being with him for long periods of time before actually even considering marriage. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship, and remember, take your time! 33 years does not mean you have to rush! ;) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Would you rather waste your time and find the right guy or waste your time by moving too fast and getting divorced and losing money? Up to you.Do NOT move that fast when it includes a child - especially when it's moving CONTINENTS! His daughter comes first, can he afford to keep flying over there - or flying her and her mum over, since she'll be too young to fly on her own for another decade or so?Being WILLING to move doesn't mean WANTING to move. Why can't YOU move? It would be more practical since he's the one with the child?Have you met in person? 2 months for you may be long enough, but he would be uprooting his entire life just to prove he likes you!You THINK you've fallen in love - so you haven't because you'd KNOW. This may all sound harsh, but this is VERY serious and a little girl would be growing up seeing little of her father because you won't move to the UK.Challenges:- you don't know each other very well,- getting a job isn't easy any more,- feeling lost,- feeling lonely,- feeling like he's only living your life,- resenting having to move away from his daughter and missing her milestones....and more, all to prove he likes you after TWO MONTHS because you can't "waste your time".... I'm sorry, but you're not the one being asked to move continents, away from your daughter!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Dont do it. Unless you know him better. He might as well be wanting just to come to US
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