A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:As an older virgin, how do you not let it bother you? I tried improving myself and taking more interest in my hobbies. Focusing on interacting with as many people as I can. Downloaded dating apps to raise my confidence.I'm turning 23 and need to figure this out. I dont want to die without having a good sex life. I'm very afraid of losing women due to not knowing what I'm doing during sex since I've only had one girlfriend ever and that was over 5 years ago.I just think well I'm never going to be good at sex since I dont have the practice and I'll never satisfy a woman. I signed up for therapy a few months ago and all I was told was that I'm not alone and I have an amazing future and not to worry.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016): Op, here.I'm going to Barnes and Nobles to buy those books in your profile.You are right I have let that roommate dominate because of how I perceive women to perceive me. Currently fighting tooth and nail to get my own place next year just so I have a place to take a girl I like back to my place/and for hospital rotations. Theres also the problem of not having the chance to "explore this special person" since there isnt one currently or for the last 5 years. It has me jaded to the point where any girl I do meet wont be special to me but the result of hard exhausting labor. It's becoming an insensitive numbers game for me. My therapist said I should switch it up and slow it down since trying to force getting laid didnt work for 7 years. He said it might take shorter than that if I tried to take it slow with every girl. He then said it might take 6 and a half years instead for example. That broke me down into tears. I cant be a 29 yr old virgin.I'm going to get those books and work from there.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2016):
 Let me try to shift your perspective just a bit.
Say you were living with a guy who questioned your every move. He’d say things like “you’ll never get laid, you aren’t hot or sexy enough” and “even if you do get close enough to a woman, you’ll have no idea what to do because you’ve never done it before.” He goes on “furthermore, you are getting so old that you’ll never have any kind of happy sex life because you are a failure at attracting women.” “Women aren’t throwing themselves at you so you aren’t worthy and will never get in bed with one, let alone cop a feel in a bar.” “Why bother even trying to go out and meet women? You’re a loser with no sex appeal and not worth going to bed with!”
If an actual live human being talked to you like that, you’d kick him out or move. You wouldn’t tolerate being denigrated and spoken to in that way.
But here’s the thing, your roommate is living in your head and spewing crap like I just wrote up there. Your internal narrator is having a field day, making you feel inadequate and not worthy of sex.
You are allowing these negative thought patterns too much head space.
Kick out the nasty, negative roommate. Get rid of him.
A long long time ago, I suggested you read some books that I have on my profile. You came back with a rather lame comment that they didn’t resonate for you. My guess is you didn’t bother to read them.
I suggest you try again. Being present in the moment is the key thing here, OP. You’ve been listening to that nasty narrator in your thoughts for so long you actually believe all that crap.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2016):
Instead of thinking, “I’m going to lose her because I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t have the practice! I’ll never satisfy her!”
Think instead, “Oh how fantastic! She’s so soft! I wonder how she likes this? Or that? Or maybe I could ask her what she likes better, this or that? Or a little of both?”
“What fun! How special! Instead of thinking now, I’m just going to turn off my brain for a while and just exist, just explore this special person who is with me right now.”
You will never get closer to your stated goal if you don’t tackle that busy busy mind that tells you all kinds of nonsense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): You probably do not want to hear this from me but i am 50, yes 50. Not losing my virginity has not bothered me, although i have probably had many opportunities to do so, especially when i was younger. Yes i am obviously single but i have a great life. Stood on top of Victoria Falls holding a golfing umbrella and nearly became airborne. Bitten by a snake in the Grand Canyon. Done Route 66, been across Australia. Sail down the Nile. Walked the Great Wall of China. I have 4 Brothers all married and have a total of 11 wonderful nieces and nephews who will probably be marrying soon. I wish i had kids of my own but i just dont think i have met that one person. Losing your virginity is easy, living your life as you would wish is harder. I,m 50 and still looking
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 In my own experience the first time I've had sex with a partner it's never been fantastic, it's nerve racking even when you have had sex before. The first time you take your clothes off in front of somebody else you think oh god I hope he doesn't find something weird. I hope they think I'm good in bed. It may be a bonus to a woman because she doesn't have to worry about being compared to other women you've been with before.If women give you advice to say that it generally isn't something they'd feel weird about then take that on board. It might give her confidence if she feels like she's the special one you chose to have sex with first.The actual act of penetration isn't what women enjoy the most anyway, it's foreplay and I'm sure you'd feel comfortable with kissing somebody and touching them. That's not hard to doBut keep the therapy up, therapy is excellent for getting over something that is obviously bothering you quite a lot, you haven't been going all that long and before you know it you will feel a lot better.By the way stop saying 23 is old, it's making me feel ancient! :) You just need to start understanding that women aren't scary monsters that go into sex with men having it all planned out or that they will make mental notes on what you are doing. It's supposed to be fun nothing that makes you feel so bad.Go on a search engine and type in would a woman date a virgin and see what every single person says and they all say the same thing. YES! Some would prefer that as they don't have the dreaded ex girlfriend to feel all anxious about. I can also see people saying being a virgin is just a side effect of being shy....I like that. Lots of people will think about the first person they slept with and if she's your first she knows she'll always be the special one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2016):
 How do you not let it bother you?
By accepting it for what it is. Inexperience. THAT is what virginity is.
I bet you aren't a formula 1 race car drover either. Does it mean you are stuck walking for the rest of your life?
You keep focusing on the wrong part. And my guess is you "chase" after the "wrong girls (wrong for you, I mean).
Being a GOOD lover is KNOWING the one you are with, not having had sex with a multitude of women.
I don't think sex is all that complicated. Even GREAT sex.
You are so focused on your notion that being a virgin (for a male) is something horrible. That you can't see the woods for all the trees. YOU are focusing on the WRONG thing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2016):
 You are only 23 so you are not at an age yet where you should be panicking. Yes I do get that most people your age have lost there virginity and you might struggle to find a girl who is not a virgin. However there is more to a relationship than sex.
Yes it is scary. But just try dating for a while until you feel comfortable. You don't need to rush in to sex. Get to know a girl and when you feel comfortable with her tell her the truth and ask her to guide you.
The thing with sex is girls like different things, so it doesn't mean that you will be bad in that department at all. The best thing a man can do in a new relationship is ask the girl what works for her, and allow her to guide you.
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