A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long term relations hip with a man for 12yrs, 2 of that as my husband. Over the years, we have had the same issues, problems dealing with but got past it. On my end, we passed it because we keep ignoring our core issues and got tired of fighting over the same stuff. On his end, because it was never an issue to begin with and there is nothing wrong with us. It has now gotten to a point where i am sick and tired of it. I know I made a mistake of marrying the guy when there were moments that I hesitated. But i cannot undo the fact that I married him in church. I realized now that my relationship with him was unhealthy for me but because he is a good, kind man and I believe the only person that truly loved me, I could never find it in my heart to hurt his feelings and leave him. I've known over the years that there was something missing, our fights were always about the same issues and we have opposite dreams in life. I had become this person who had given up my own dreams to make him happy, I've been scared to make my own decisions, be honest with him of what I truly think of things bec. It makes him feel he's unworthy or not good enough. But before I make this horrible mistake of leaving him for good so he can find true love and I can rediscover myself and find my own happiness. To me, I see him as my best friend but I don't think I ever really loved him. I was with him bec. He is my safety blanket. The single people I've talked mostly said its time for me to leave but for those who's been divorced and married say, do what you can to fix it first so you wont make the same mistake again or you will carry this unhealthy habit. Also that it is not about what I want but doing what is right, happiness will come next.When can I say I have done what I can to fix it and it just never really worked to begin with? What else can I do to "fix" my marriage? Here's what i have done to improve our relationship:- we would have lunch dates and spend some alone time together- we talk more on our issues, really dig into how we should deal with it but when the hard truth comes out he would just get mad or sad, which makes me want to stop the conversation bec. Its too much for him to handle it- I stopped pretending that I'm happy when I'm not- I do sweet things to him when I sincerely want to not bec. I'm expected to act a certain way- I help more with the chores- I try to lighten the air by making small talks- I try not to fight him at every wrong thing I see in us. Instead I just try and let it go. - I encourage him to hangout with my friends and family. (he never likes talking to my family but then he just never talks)- were planning on going to trips together- been seeing a counselor to deal with my personal issues and help identify why I am unhappy with him but still keep choosing to be with him.Right now, despite all these (its been 3 difficult months for me), I am unhappy. We have been married 2yrs, no kids, and I wasn't happy with him. I feel my courage and drive to live a full life is dissipating and I just want to die. When I was on my own, I was a happier more confident person but when I'm with him, I get all these doubts. I don't understand why I can't be myself with him. I'm not scared to be alone but I am scared that I may regret leaving the only one man who have always been there through my darkest hours and I may be punished for it in some other way like karma. When will I know this is the end of the line? They say it takes 5yrs to really make a marriage work. But a priest also said, some marriages are just not meant to be to begin with. Just like priests, not all are called to be one even if they wanted to. I don't know where I fall. I hope God can give me a clear answer. I feel drained dealing with my marriage. Help me guys. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want my marriage to be: With someone I love being with, someone who makes me laugh, someone who supports my dreams, believes in me, encourages me to be a better person not put doubts in what I can do. I want a marriage where we can communicate honestly, solve things together, set goals and accomplish those goals together. I want each time that we have together to be a good learning experience but also fun. I dont mind fighting, arguing as long as its towards us being better individually and as a couple. There's so much more but those are basically it.
My husband has a low self-esteem. He thinks his happiness can only come from having me in his life. He used to be a confident guy but because we have different interests he feels that he's not good enough for me when I try to tell him I want to go explore my career options away from where we leave. He doesn't want to leave where he grew up in bec. He's used to it. I'm more of a risk-taker. He would want different things but when I would break up with him when we were bf before he would then start agreeing and doing the very things he had said he didn't want to before just to please me. I do the same just to avoid seeing him be really mad or when he begs me not leave him. I want my husband and bf of 10yrs to just be himself, the way I want to be myself and say that we are compatible....but the way I see it clearly now is we've been acting as someone were not just so our relationship will last and it has made me become a bitter, miserable person burdened by "marriage". I'm scared of the years ahead. Will it only get worse if we stayed?
I am looking here for an impartial advice. How do I determine that I am making the right choice to stay or leave him? How do I know that being with him can make us be better people in the future and not be even more miserable? What are the things that makes a good marriage? Bec. I honestly think we are lacking it and I feel like I should make him see the reality of our relationship issues and accept that we have tried it over the years and we were just not right to be with each other to begin with. I feel we have deprived each other of our very own unhappiness because we have denied repeatedly that we are just not right for each other. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not doing enough and that is what I am asking for, how do I know if I have done enough to improve our relationship and it really didnt make me happy or make me love him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): I read your description twice. So what is it that you want out of this marriage? What exactly you want your husband to do and be? What is it that is no good about your husband that isn't fixable? Or are you looking for someone here to say, sure! You've done enough. Divorce him!
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