A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I am 2/3 the way through a divorce from my wife of 15 years (partner for 20). We had a long talk last night about many things, but mostly about meeting other people. We are both convinced the divorce is the right thing, but I think we both still have feelings for each other...I know I do. We have lost that spark, and it isn't coming back. But it sucks to think of some other chump banging my wife. She talks about "weekend boyfriends" and the like, which is strange, because her lack of an active sex drive is one of the many reasons I was not compatible with her. Now she's talking (jokingly) about being the cougar in search of cute boys with big hands. geez.So what have any of you divorced folks done to get over the residual feelings when you know the relationship is done? I have a new partner, whom I love, and don't like having these feelings, but my STBX and I have a son...which means we all see each other at times. I have to admit, I am giving up a lot with this marriage, and am sorta having second thoughts. Don't know if she feels the same. Very hard to deal with all these feelings.
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divorce, sex drive, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mycrazylife  +, writes (9 July 2010):
I agree with the above post, you need to take time out and think things through. Sometimes though you can be in a relatioshiop that doesnt work and still have feelings for them. It doesnt always happen that you hate each other and divorce. On the other hand it could be that you hit a bit of a wall and just needed to remember what you love about eachother. You need time out and a good chat with your ex
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I cant tell you how to get over the residual feelings, that has to come from you and with time.
However what I can tell you is that you need to end your current relationship with this new woman! You have rushed into it too fast, the poor woman is just a re-bound you have mistaken for "love" and now you are thinking about working things out with your soon to be ex wife! That is just cruel - the fact is you are not over your wife and you have jumped into a new relationship without thinking. End it now, before you can hurt her anymore than you already have. Can you imagine if she knew you are thinking about getting back with your wife?
These thoughts are not the thoughts of a man who is in love with his new partner! These are the thoughts of a man who is struggling with his divorce and still has strong feelings for his ex, and who should not in any circumstances be in a relationship right now!
The best way to deal with a break-up and these "feelings" is to be single and actually figure out what you want to do next. You have been with your wife for 20 years, now it is ending you have to be single for a while just to come to terms with it. This is a massive loss for you and you cannot just replace your wife with some new "love" - what about learning to be alone again, getting over your wife, allowing yourself time to greive for the loss of your relationship.....you are only going to create a whole pile of s**t for yourself if you carry on in this new relationship. And lots of people will get hurt, and you dont need that right now.
Now is the time to focus on YOU, and be single, and help your son with this difficult time. He doesnt need to deal with your new woman as well in all this mess, it is not fair on him to involve yourself with someone else so quickly.
Until you have resolved your feelings for your ex wife and actually spoken to her about how she feels, you need to be alone.
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