A
female
age
30-35,
*houghtihaditall
writes:how do u get over the fact ur boyfriend or husband looks at other women ??? i cant deal with it to the point i dont want to have sex any more . i feel used and cheap and always thought my ex thought of other women ( eg todays page 3 girl (ie topless girls in the news paper) why do they put topless girls in news papers any way it makes me feel so inferior....
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 April 2007):
Come on now. We women do our fair share of looking at men. Personally, I think he should be more discrete about it... but let's face it: Even if he DIDN'T look at women in front of you, he would certainly still be doing it when you are not around. I don't care what anyone says, or any guy who pretends to have a more holier than thou attitude, but 99% to 100% of straight men look at women. Any who don't might not because they are in a fresh infatuation with a new woman. Hell, I bet even some gay men look at women! Sorry your heart is broken, but you just don't understand men yet. The sooner we learn to really understand men and the way they think, the better for everyone.
As an aside, you didn't like the responses given by the first answerers. That's fine, but you need to expect that when you ask questions on here. You will almost always get some nice person telling you what you already know the nice people will tell you... but if you just want to get the answer you want to hear, then don't bother asking the question in the first place. Sounds harsh? Maybe, but it's true. Think about it.
Now, back to your man. If it wasn't for THIS, would you love spending time with him, and enjoy being a part of his life, and having him apart of yours? If the answer is no, then this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. If the answer is yes, then why do you care about it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I only recently found out from my boyfriends friends that they went to to a lapdancing club only weeks ago and we have been together for 4years, I cant describe the feeling of dissapointment and hurt I felt at that precise moment. I hate the fact that men cant understand how it makes you feel or how it changes the perspective you have of the person you love. I told my boyfriend what it did to me and how it made me feel (but of course he didnt understand).
I tried to explain with this " Imagine we are out in a club there is a totally amazing looking guy, fit body, great face, and a huge package to match. he makes a bee line for me so we chat and laugh while I check him out while you watch from afar with your friends. would that make you feel insecure about your body, would that make you feel I find him more attractive sexually than you. and to make it worse you come over and ask me why I was flirting with him and my reply to make you feel even lower would be I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ON ABOUT, YOUR JUST PARANOID!!!!!!!!. would that plant a nasty seed?
I think it hit home, he never knew it made me feel that way and now hes does it wont ever happen again, we'll get through this and I hope you can get your boyfriend to understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): When a man is noticably looking at other women in your presence he is using you and other women only as objects for his own pleasure. It is disrespectful to you, degrading to women and you have a right to be bothered by it. It has nothing to do with low self esteem! You blaming yourself for his bad behavior will cause you to have low self esteem. There are better men out there. Chances are if he is looking at others that he also fantasizes about them and probably uses porn to. This only spirals into him further objectifying women and disrespecting you. Why is it that women are told we should find this behavior acceptable?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): Hey it true , we must acknowledge that their are a lot of women out there. It is not quite the insecurity of them but of the women out there. Or maybe their special interest on those women when i am with him. Its an issue but both women and men need their own space but the key is trust on your partner and your love for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Hi thoughtihaditall,I kind of see where you're coming from with knowing men see half naked women everywhere, on page 3 etc, but I can assure you that many men do not see women in this way as the same as they see their girlfriends / wife's. For example, if a man sees a women wearing some revealing clothing as he walks down the street then it doesn't necessarily mean he is going to use that as a secret fantasy when he is with his girlfriend. That is a little like saying that a women will secretly indulge in a fantasy of a man who she saw earlier that day. Of course some men, and some women, do this, but I think the problem in this case is the relationship rather than the person. Maybe your boyfriend is over the top, maybe he is not showing you enough attention, or maybe you are feeling overly insecure to other girls out there. In a successful relationship you should be able to either deal with your insecurities by seeing the love and attention your partner shows you, or you can communicate with your partner to see if things can change. Whatever the case, you're obviously unhappy and you need to address this. As I said, either you're the problem, he's the problem, or you're just both not right for each other.
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A
female
reader, thoughtihaditall +, writes (2 April 2007):
thoughtihaditall is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto chi raven so what ur saying is that he should be able to go out while i play the good girlfriend part and wait for him to come home and give him what he wants when hes probly having sex with me and imaginning hes with one of these women hes seen that day ... if thats what i got to look forward to relationships i wanna be a nun!
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A
female
reader, thoughtihaditall +, writes (2 April 2007):
thoughtihaditall is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know most of the replies are saying that men look at other women but when i see him looking at another women my heart breaks i feel like why isnt he looking at me in that way weather or not he plans to do someting about the lady he stares at i think to my self what has she got that i havent ??? thanks so much for all ur replies!!!!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 March 2007):
 I won't indulge in the apologist sentiments of the previous two posters. That does not help you to see what the real issue might be.
Reflect upon why it bothers YOU so, and what issues YOU are projecting onto these men who look. If the only answer that comes back is further recrimination of these men, you will never get beyond your issues.
I know you wanted to get a sympathetic hearing, but you really need someone to ask you the tough question. Why do you say you feel "used and cheap" when you could say, "if he insists on looking then he's not worth my time"?
You sound like someone who yearns to be worshipped. Basing your self esteem on what you suspect others think denies you the opportunity to cultivate self-respect.
Figure out your issues and self-respect will follow. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): I agree with the raver below. Just because we look, it doesn't mean we're going to go and have sex with them, or want to pursue a relationship with them. It's like if I own a Porsche 911 Turbo, and I look at a Lambo Gallardo, and think, "Wow, what a gorgeous piece of art" - it's not like I will go and buy it. [laughs] Not a very good example, but the concept is the same.
Women in general, though still not accurate in data, may be more emotionally prone where as men in general, though still not accurate in data, may be more visually prone to things and stuffs. It's a natural phenomena that occurs.
It's obvious you have major insecurity issues and this isn't going to solve itself. Unless u find a man who will NEVER in his WHOLE ENTIRE life ever be interested in women, sex, and anything of that sort - eg: being a man, then hey, you just have to work on your own self-esteem first and foremost BEFORE getting into any sort of relationship. Heck, if it bothers u that much, I suggest men who has no libido, possibly are priests and monks, and maybe even a conservative religious person would do u just fine.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 Wake up. Guys ALWAYS like to look. It doesn't mean they're going to DO anything about it, but they like to look. It means their systems are functioning normally. It has nothing to do with you (although he SHOULD like to look at YOU, too ... and THERE he SHOULD be doing something!!!).
And don't worry about competing with the models in the newspapers and magazines. Those women have photos that are airbrushed to within an inch of their lives. NOBODY can compete with them ... including those women themselves. Even THEY don't really look like that! But guys like to IMAGINE that they do. And they like to look.
Chill. It's natural, and doesn't mean anything. Give your guy every reason to stay at home, and he'll still LOOK but he'll always come home for what he DOES.
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