A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a serious relationship for the first time in my life. Our families have never met or seen us together but they will soon. His family is very openly affectionate and so I wouldn't worry about sitting with an arm around him now and then or giving him a little peck on the cheek around them; at their home we can probably just act the way we typically do in public - subtle and classy but warm and obviously very close at heart. My family is harder to figure out...there's a reason why I moved away at a very young age. I don't know how she'll react now, but I remember that my mother in particular went absolutely berserk when I was still living there and she saw me sitting with my boyfriend and his arm was around me. This actually happened in two different relationships, one of which she'd encouraged me to get into, so it wasn't the guy she objected to, either. Both times she spent the rest of the night screaming about how I was "practically sitting in his lap" which I most certainly was not. Anyone would have thought we were making love on broadcast television the way she responded.Obviously Mom has some serious problems and will probably find something to upbraid me for no matter what I do, but I feel like I'll be more confident in making good choices and more resilient against her abusive and crazymaking behavior if I can get some perspectives from other people. I know there are multiple right answers to this but I'm interested in yours: how do you feel it is or isn't appropriate to express affection to your loved one around family? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Thank you, everyone, for your perspectives (I'm the original poster). I will have to make some choices but I feel more prepared to do it well with all of your help.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2011):
 I'm always affectionate with my mate around my friends and family.
when she starts in on you, quietly fix your gaze on her and calmly and softly say "mom, I am a grown woman, my behavior is no longer your concern. If the way we conduct ourselves makes you uncomfortable we would be happy to leave and not subject you to it"
and then if she says "fine please leave" DO SO.
but i'm betting once you stand up for yourself like an adult she will have to respond in kind.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 I grew up in ahouse where affection was not openly shown, this was what their generation did. When I have had a boyfriend I have explained to them that this is how my parents are, and that out of my respect and love for them I limit showing affection in front of them. A peck on the cheek and holding hands is fine, but to limit our displays of offection to that. My parents simply didn't feel comfortable with open displays of affection, so when in their house I have made sure that my boyfriend and I don't do it. Maybe it makes your Mum feel uncomfortable, and no-one likes feeling unconfortable. It's no big deal, I also spoke to my parents and explained to them that I respected they were not comfortable with it, and that I would limit it to a peck on the cheek, holding hands and would not go further than that when in their home, they respected that even if they didn't particularly like it, maybe try talking to her like that. Good luck I hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 November 2011):
Hi there. I don't think you mentioned your father here, in your letter.
You only seem to make mention of your mother. So is your mother on her own now - divorced?
The way she acts when you show a boyfriend affection, seems to me like a bit of jealousy.
It seems clearly, to be jealousy.
You don't live with her, you have said, but you would like her to meet him - your new man.
You can't tell her to stop being jealous. All you can do really, is to just hold hands - when she's in the room with you - and only kiss each other if she leaves the room. But keep a lookout while she's gone.
It's possible that while she might be a bit jealous of you having someone and she might not, that at the same time she feels a little awkward when people do show affection in front of her. It's probably just the way she is.
So just curbing your affection when she's in view, is all you can do. It's no big deal really, is it?
Everybody's different.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (1 November 2011):
So long as your not being overly affectionate (deep tongue kissing or grabbing his ass) you should be fine. Sitting next to one another, holding hands and an occasional peck on the cheek are all fine.
Your 3o (or older), Mom needs to let it go and understand that you're a mature adult (unless she's gutted you) and that you are responsible for you and don't need her telling you how to live your life. If she can't stop herself, tell her that if she doesn't stop that you'll have to leave, if she continues LEAVE... Unless you're in line to inherent an amount of money that will make all this BS worth it, draw some boundaries and hold your ground. She'll learn to respect you if you learn to respect yourself.
Good luck... just remember, you have to train her how to treat you- let her have her way and you loose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): well you know how your mom will react. You know her reaction is unreasonable but it's predictable nonetheless. so it's up to you if you want to alter your behavior when you're around her so as to not trigger her abusiveness, or not. I get that you shouldn't have to do this, but that's the way it is so what would you rather do?
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