A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you deal with loneliness for companionship?I'm 22, never had a boyfriend nor a first kiss. The only attention I get from men are from the streets when I get occasional stares, and come-ons (like most females in big cities). I do volunteer work a lot at my church, and try to meet new people at my volunteer programs, I don't have a job unfortunately. I do not think I am unfairly picky, but I am almost never interested in the guys I meet; I may be attracted to them for a little bit but after a while their personalities kind of lead me to become uninterested. But the thing is, even if I am interested, they're never interested in me; makes me think that I'm just not appealing to anyone, and will never be. Only one guy I know has ever shown interest in me, but he was a huge player, and tugged on many girls heart-strings. I don't want to focus on that though, so I want to know, how do you deal with that type of loneliness? I have good friends so I'm ok in that department, but I'm lonely for companionship (for a man), and I'm not sure how to deal with that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): HiI am very much like you. I am interested in very few men. I don't call it picky, I call it 'not settling'. If a man's personality puts you off, then he's not right for you. I am in my fifties now and have had some long and lovely relationships, but I am also happy on my own. But you sound like you aren't, so I would say to you that you are only 22. There is plenty of time. I'm sorry that you feel lonely at the moment, but sometimes in life, we have to endure certain situations and cannot just change them instantly. I agree with the other female anon answer and concentrate on what you DO love in your life and the rest will follow in time. I'm so glad for you that you are not just going out with anyone, as I think that is where many problems start. You are obviously attractive as you get attention, so it's a waiting game I'm afraid . Concentrate on other things in life and I'm sure it will happen for you.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2015):
 I read your post twice through, and I know what I want to say to you because it's obvious to me, but to say it straight, I *must* disclaimer it, because the word I'm going to use has been used before as an insult, and I don't mean it *as* an insult in this case.
I say this precisely BECAUSE you don't have experience, but "inexperienced" isn't all there is to this.
The word I'm looking for is "immature", but I'm not saying that YOU are immature. What I'm saying is like when you see a green banana, or an unripened coconut, or popcorn that has not yet popped. See what I mean?
Let me get to my point:
You are attracted until the guy is attracted back, then you lose interest. The ones you stay attracted to don't ever reciprocate. That is an immature response mechanism rooted in your defense mechanism and corrupted by both your inexperience as well as your fear.
Your solution is NOT to drown it out with things or distractions. Your solution is found in the question "What do you THINK companionship with a guy is?" Because, therein lies the immaturity. You are afraid of intimacy and connection, which is why you shut off when he reciprocates.
If you say you can become friends easily, then start there. Friendship is human connection. You can't just go from zero to ready-made-microwave relationship. You have to become vulnerable, and if you have an issue with safety, then start with friendship and build from there. If you feel yourself starting to shut down, then pull away...very slightly. But it's a two-way street. The guy isn't going to just chase you, and you can't be Rapunzel in the tower waiting for some guy to smash through your 900 defenses, because chances are, a guy's got defenses of his own, so it's 50/50. THAT is the mature way, and it takes time, and there are no shortcuts.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2015):
 Kiss a guy! You should make the first move and get the ball running. Feelings etc will follow as you get to know a guy more. Ask a guy out on a date and take it from there!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): I'm in my late twenties and I don't think a man has ever approached me that I wanted to date, since I was at school. I went to college, uni etc met lots of different people but no one ever asked me out. I've had a few boyfriends but I met them all on the internet. Men never approach me for dating in real life unless they are drunk and creepy!The same way I've never approached a man I wanted to date outside of the internet, I'm too shy. So it works both ways. I would concentrate on yourself and your volunteer work, maybe find a new hobby and a job. Don't rest the pinnacle of your happiness on having a relationship, but in doing things that you enjoy. For companionship personally, I am a crazy cat lady, I have many animals and two best friends (one is human the other is my horse!). The longest romantic relationship I've had is 2 years, the relationship with my best friend (and my horse lol) has lasted over 10 years. So I consider that part very important in my life. I love my boyfriend but he cannot account for all the happiness and companionship in my life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): i'm 27 and never had a girlfriend, i'm sure you will have one before you are 30, that's just my gut feeling guess, because since you are a girl, you don't have to be the initiator.
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