A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just looking for a little advice on how to deal with getting older as anwoman and losing looks and it seems visibility in society . Some seem to say enjoy the invisibility but I find it heartbreaking when I’m basically ignored say in a store for a younger women simply because I’m a middle aged woman . I hold myself with the same posture and self respect and I dress nicely as I always have . The only difference I can note is my age. Another piece of advice I see sometimes is to lol to other older women who are admired and seen as beautiful but it seems they are always much younger looking . It seems as if looking just exactly middle aged or older instantly deems a woman as less attractive and therefore less powerful and worthwhile of anyone’s attention or effort How do others deal with this Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2019): You just have to learn to accept it. I have had the same thing and it's hard, but you have to accept that that's life.
I am nearly sixty and have danced since I was in my late thirties. I was good looking and got a lot of attention when I was younger and even now people will think I am twenty years younger than I actually am, but what you describe now happens to me all the time.
I have gone from turning men's heads everywhere I went, to being totally overlooked.
It's more pronounced at dancing, where men will gravitate towards the young pretty women and ignore me, so it's hard to get onto the dance floor sometimes. This is my passion, so it's doubly hard trying to continue in a hobby when men would rather dance with the young pretty ones.
On Saturday night I was sat next to a young Romanian woman who was very pretty and sexy and had to cope as man after man came towards me with an outstretched hand, which was always meant for her.
BUT I don't let it get to me, because it is a fact of life. I enjoy the dances that I get with older men and men who are my friends. Whereas I used to get dances with the younger, really good dancers, I have had to accept that that doesn't happen anymore. That ship has sailed. Nothing else you can do.
I will add one more thing though, if I walk into dancing in a good mood, smiling, my evening is a lot better and I get a lot more dances, than if I walk in thinking that 'I'm not going to get many dances tonight'. A happy, smiling person will always be noticed.
There is actually a lady who goes dancing who is 82 and she's never off the dance floor! There is something about her that people love. Old and young come to sit with her and she's always surrounded by friends. So, it's not all just about looks and youth. A friendly, happy disposition will earn you attention.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (12 May 2019):
 I think its all about in the way you look at things OP. I am in your age range and I have never felt like you feel. I enjoyed my youth and I took care of myself and had male attention sometimes too much and to be honest, it made me uncomfortable. I am not gorgeous or model material and I learned a long time ago to be sweet and have a good sense of humor because those qualities attract people.
If I want to be noticed, I don't have to work too hard to be only because I have a great personality and can be very sweet and charming when I want to be. I am never ignored and if I want something I will make my presence known but many times I am very happy to be "unnoticed".
Do you hide like a wallflower or do you find a way to let people know you are there? I am all about being polite but if you need/want something, you can't just expect everyone to notice you if you don't speak up. A good sales person never ignores anyone so I am not sure where you are shopping but it sounds like their salespeople are just lazy or stupid.
I also have the attitude that age is just a number. I know when to act my age but yet I still like to have fun and never once have I considered myself "old". My son's 30 year old friends don't think of me as "mom" I am one of them.
Never let yourself become invisible darling. You are worth far more than that. With age we should acquire wisdom and insight its something to be admired for not looked down upon. Only YOU can lift yourself up. Don't sell yourself short. Youth only lasts so long and yes most people find youth attractive but there is far more to a person than their looks..surely at this time in your life you realize that right? A mature person will see beyond youth and want a good person. I personally don't want a partner who is only with me because of my looks or age.
Age catches up to all of us. How you chose to deal with it is up to you. I make jokes about my age..I honestly don't care..its just a number. I am proud of my "scars" and the battles I have fought and won or lost..they make me who I am today. I don't want to be young again...I like me right now. Love yourself my dear..others will love you too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 May 2019):
 Maybe I just see this differently.
I ENJOY the "anonymity" of being "no longer" young. I don't feel like I'm treated badly or really ignored. But I am LEFT to my own devices way more, which I enjoy. I have ALWAYS found it annoying when people in stores offers me help every 5 minutes when I am just browsing.
I don't people fawning over me to feel like I'm still here.
I may not be important to most people, but I am to those who matter TO ME. So really, whether strangers notice or pay attention to me, is absolutely UNIMPORTANT to me. I don't give a single F.
So maybe I can't help you here. Other than to say, WHY is it important to be noticed by people who doesn't matter AT ALL, in the bigger picture?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (12 May 2019):
 How do we deal with this? By accepting it for what it is and not taking it personally.
I think back to when I was in my late teens and 20s. I remember being admired simply because I was young, slim and tall. I was never particularly attractive (I am under no illusions) but my youth and good figure were sufficient to attract admiration. If the right people were doing the admiring, I enjoyed the attention; the reverse if it was people I wasn't interested in. I was not admired for my knowledge or my wit. It was all physical.
I now look at girls/young ladies of that age, see men/boys lusting after them and think to myself "make the most of it, sweetheart, because you are only young once". I even cast admiring glances myself sometimes because I can appreciate the youth and beauty of these young things. When they are girls/young ladies I know, I will even tell them they look gorgeous and to make the most of their looks while they have them. Why would I not? It takes nothing away from me that they are far more attractive than I am.
I think we need to accept that everything has its time. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I was at my most attractive but, also, at my most insecure. I look at photographs of myself from that era and see how lovely I was, how slim I was, how youthful my skin looked. However, all I remember thinking is "my belly is too big" (I would kill to have a belly like that now!"), my legs are too fat (because they were never like bits of string), my hair is too straight/wavy/greasy/the wrong colour, etc, etc, etc. As I have got older, I have grown to accept my body as it is (as with most people, it has NOT improved with age, lol!). I no longer feel a need to "impress" anyone when I go out. I am happy to now dress for comfort and in clothes I like, regardless of fashion. I feel more comfortable with the way I look than I ever did when I was "admired".
We only become "invisible" to certain sectors of society as we become older (e.g. young men - thankfully!). Market researchers, for example, seem to have a radar that zones straight in on more adult people. I seldom had to avoid them when I was younger. Now I seem to spend every trip into town trying to avoid them! I wish I COULD become invisible to them!
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (12 May 2019):
 I'm so sorry you're going through this but you're not alone. Youthfulness has always been seen as a prize, look at what women do their bodies with surgeries, implants, lifts, injections, and makeup all in attempt retain or enhance their youthfulness. We live in society that movies and media tells us this and that is beautiful. My only consolation is that beauty is only truly on surface and real beauty (kindness, compassion, humor, generosity, self love ) are much more deeper and appealing.
The sales associate will notice and help much younger person but a person, regardless of age, who is kinder and grateful will be more well regarded and remembered. We can't change expectations and social standards but we can influence our interactions with people thru integrity and our character which carries so much more weight. So continue do your best and live life with your values. Not those society impose on us about aging, etc.
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