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How do we reconcile our differences over children?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2018)
A female Australia age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid.

So I’m sitting here in tears (currently hormonal) because my partner of 3 years has just told me during a conversation about cars and the future, and me wanting children in 2/3 years time as i’ll be 27-28...(I’m currently 24, 25 this year) my partner is currently 23 turning 24 this year) he has just said “I don’t even know if I want children yet” meaning he’s unsure if he wants kids....

He then asked me why I’m so eager to have children and I snapped and said “some woman don’t want kids but then there’s some that want to be mothers”

I know for a fact that I want children, not fussed if it’s one or two (I’m an only child)

But I’m not sure if I want to stay with my partner knowing his thoughts, knowing i’ll have to play a waiting game for many years.... or if I should leave and find someone who actually knows he does...

My partner has also said he doesnt want children for a “very long time”....

What would you do!?

I love my partner very much but wanting to be a Mum had always been a definite yes for me. (If I couldn’t have children I would adopt anyway)

View related questions: want children

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 January 2018):

chigirl agony auntAt his age, a lot of men dont want kids. If you want them now, or you want a relationship first and then a few years later kids, then find someone else. If he doesnt know now, there is no guarantee he will know later on. Find an older, more mature man.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (12 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou need to find someone who has the same goals. It could take you a year or two to get over this guy and find someone who does, then add a year or so of dating before engagement and another year or so before marriage. That's 4 years gone.

If you stay with him, he may change his mind, but he may not and you'll be 28 or so before you start trying to find someone else. That said, it's common to have babies in your early 30s, so there's no rush!

Besides, it's wiser to wait until you're 28+ to start trying for a baby, as you get to live your life first, have life experiences to pass on, be financially stable and preferably married for a little while, living in your own place.

Perhaps wait it out until you're 26, then see if he thinks he'll be ready in two years. If he isn't sure by then, cut your losses. There is no compromise, when it comes to children.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2018):

I hate to say this, but most men in their early 20’s are still very young at heart. It’s not a surprise that he is still not sure if he wants children or not. And he is being very honest with you.

I know that you have it all planned out that you will have children in 3 years, and that is great! Give your boyfriend some time.. maybe a year or two, and I’m sure he will be in a better mind set to discuss more about your future and children. Don’t let this get you down.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

As a man I would reiterate allumeuse. I will also note that I persinally never felt ready for kids until I had them. I was 30 for the first. Now I wouldnt have it any other way. In saying that at 25 I know I would have hated tge idea of kids but at 27 I wouldnt have been any different to 30.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

You first should find a partner who wants what you want. It is wiser to have children when both within the relationship are ready and eager to be parents. If one is hesitant, then either compromise a time; or consider whether to continue that relationship.

You're not married or engaged. He's still in his stage of life where he's still enjoying his youth. Nice cars, taking vacations, exploring, and adventure. He's apparently not ready to end all that to be a workaday husband and father. He's too immature for that. In 2-3 years, he might be. I think he being smart about it, I don't care what others will say about it.

Why can't he still have a baby and his nice car? Why should he give-up what he wants, if he isn't ready? You may be hormonal as you say, and you haven't given this much real thought.

Becoming parents too young; couples seem to quickly separate under pressure. They feel they've missed-out on stuff, and they become disillusions when life isn't like they've dreamed it would be. Kids are expensive, and limit your disposable-cash flow. No nights on the town, you have to keep an old car longer, no yearly holidays; and your parents aren't always happy to be your free on-call baby-sitters. There will be times you feel cooped-up; and you feel you need to get out. You'll miss sleep! You can't do anything without figuring-out "who will watch the baby?!!"

So what's this rush on having kids about anyway? If he isn't your husband, I guess you may have to listen to his side about delaying having a family.

Parenthood should be well-planned, and you should both be ready to assume your roles as a father and mother to your baby. You can cheat, and get pregnant anyway. Force him to accept it to please yourself. That might not workout very well for you. He might walk-out on you! You'll stll have your baby!

So now you're in a dilemma. If you left your partner, it could be 2 or 3 years before you fall in-love again. Then you would end-up waiting-out the 2-3 years anyway!

It's better to have children in your late 20's. Your early 30's, even better. You're usually more economically-stable, educational pursuits are out of the way, you've chosen a career or vocation; and you are more mature. Better yet, you have more life-experience on your side. Just wanting to be a mother isn't enough. You have to be well-prepared for it. You need patience, and have to realize the seriousness of that commitment.

It's not just rocking a pretty baby in your arms and dressing it up in cute clothes like a doll. They cry all night, they poop, and they get colicky. They also get sick and can't tell you where it hurts! It's not just the glamour of pushing a cute stroller to the park. It's serious business. It still brings joy, but mainly to those best prepared.

It's stretching like a balloon for 9-months, morning-sickness, cramps, gas, and peeing every 5 minutes. Then when nine months is up; pushing a little human being out your vagina. It will be a joyous and wonderful thing when he or she arrives; but the child should be welcomed by both mum and dad! They should have their acts together; so the child has a stable home, financial-security, two parents mature enough for the challenges ahead; and for God's-sake, hopefully married to each other!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 January 2018):

N91 agony auntHow long is 'a very long time'?

I think you need a calm but serious discussion about this as if you're on complete different pages then you need to part ways.

Find out the situation as it's your life that you will be wasting if you're not with the right person.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2018):

There are almost perfect partners out there- loads of them for everyone who are perfect, except for one non-negotiable thing.

He's pretty young- barely a grown up really. He may decide he wants kids eventually but right now hes telling you what he knows to be true for him 'right now'. He can't be any more clear with you. Hes telling you he doesn't want kids for a very long time.

The average age for marriage in the English speaking world is about 30, so average age of reproduction is probably a bit later, with most women having babies in the 30-34 age bracket, so you are a bit ahead of the curve, but that is your choice.

You cannot make him want babies earlier, he might want to live a little first, travel, who knows. If you managed to coerce him into it, it would probably make him a resentful partner and reluctant parent- you don't want that.

Your choice is to make your peace with waiting for a moment that might not come or go out and find someone who wants babies with you at the time of your choosing. But I'd say that the time frame is pretty tight- Not all men will want kids with a woman they've known only for two years, and to do that you'd have to meet someone tomorrow!

Perhaps let it lie for a little while- he might be processing this- He may never have considered the concept of having children in any great detail and the pressure of knowing a partner is thinking of parting ways because of this revelation won't help him make a good decision.

Revisit the conversation in a week or two. If nothing has changed, then you know your choice. Its painful, but its noones fault.

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A female reader, SillyGirl123 United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2018):

SillyGirl123 agony auntYou need to tell him your feelings. Saying that some people just want to be a mother is obvious. You need to explain why you would like them sooner rather than later. If he really doesn't want children at any point after that conversation, you should cut your losses because its a massive conflict of interest in your future.

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