A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I am currently living with my trans ftm boyfriend and everything is so perfect in our relationship except for one area. Some backstory, I am a straight cisgender female and I met my boyfriend just before he started on T about a year ago. He and I really had to work through a lot when we first started sleeping together. I am very comfortable being naked - little to no insecurities and I am a very hypersexual person. However he gets super dysphoric about his body (He hasn't had any corrective surgeries yet) so he doesn't take off his clothes and his sex drive isn't anywhere close to mine. We've both really worked at compromise. At first he wouldn't let me touch him or get him off, but now he'll let me touch him sometimes and we've figured out a way to get him off with his clothes on in a way that doesn't make him feel dysphoric. He's also a very compassionate and confident lover and when we're together I am always satisfied. My only issue, is he's always away working and when he is home he's too tired or stressed to make love to me. Through this last year I've cheated on him twice, both times we talked it out and the amount of understanding and patience in this man is incredible. He is in no means a pushover. If I cheat again that's it. However he suggested an open relationship. He knows he's gone a lot and he wants me to get what I need even if it can't be from him. So we tried it, and with a lot of communication we talked through me sleeping with someone else, a friend of his. I slept with him twice while my boyfriend was away. After, I decided to really look into how to cope with hypersexuality because even though I was getting the amount of sex I thought I needed to be satisfied, it was only making cravings and dependancy worse. I would touch myself at least four times a day and I had a porn addiction. It would impede on my daily life, work, and it was getting increasingly harder to get off because I was completely desensitizing myself. It was making sex impersonal and just about reaching orgasm rather than a personal experience with my partner. It was a chore for him and it was really starting to stress him out. So I talked to him and told him I didn't want the open relationship, and I would touch myself only once every two days (slight flexibility). I wanted personal and epic sex only with him and there was no pressure for him to fulfill me in that way. It's been a couple weeks now, and I'm really having a hard time. We've only had sex twice since, and he didn't get off either time, he only wanted to touch me. Which is fine, but I don't think I realized how much he really didn't want to have sex until now. He was really doing a lot to try and keep up with me. This step in our relationship has made us closer than ever and we're more in love now than we've ever been, but I'm still turned on all the time and now I'm getting even less sex than before. I know it's something I have to work Through, but how? I don't resent him for the drive imbalance, I just need to know some steps I can take or some kind of compromise we can look into. How do I overcome a sex addiction in a healthy way with my partner without driving myself mad? Ps. Finding someone who's drive matches mine isn't an option. A real love and relationship isn't based on sex and I am in it for the long haul. I would rather better myself so that we can work through these kinds of issues than to give up on the epic love we have for each other. He never gave up on me so I'm not gonna give up on him either
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018): I agree with what the others have said. It's not likely that you can meet in the middle because your drives are just too far apart. See a therapist and try to sort something out, but I also agree that you shouldn't hold on to the relationship so stubbornly."Finding someone who's drive matches mine isn't an option" Yes it is an option and it's the best one, as well as working on your issue with a therapist."A real love and relationship isn't based on sex and I am in it for the long haul" No they aren't, but they do need to be matched to be successful. You are not matched well."I would rather better myself so that we can work through these kinds of issues than to give up on the epic love we have for each other" As already mentioned by someone else, love isn't enough. Lots of people have an "epic love" that doesn't last. That's the risk you take when you start dating."He never gave up on me so I'm not gonna give up on him either" Also as stated, you cheated. Twice. He didn't give up on you, even if he maybe should have. He hasn't done anything, so there's nothing for you to not give up on him for. You have the main issue.OP, you are so young. Why have you moved in with someone you've only known for a year? It's very unwise. How long have you lived together? Presumably a little while now, which means you still barely knew each other when you moved in. I understand why you want to hold on to this relationship, but you've both been making hasty, unwise decisions - moving in so soon, cheating twice, forgiving cheating, opening up the relationship, etc. That shouldn't all have happened in only one year. What on earth could another few years hold if you've already had so many issues? Your relationship is not as perfect as you think. I'm sorry this will all sound harsh and you'll probably get defensive, but it's true. You need therapy separately and as a couple. Try to work on it, but don't be too stubborn to see that you're wildly incompatible and are rushing things.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 March 2018):
 You're not being realistic. Maybe you'll find a compromise, but it's highly unlikely. Him being trans has nothing to do with it. You can't just be stubborn and refuse the most likely result: a break up. We generally find "the one" a couple of times, until they aren't "the one" anymore.
Get therapy for your hypersexuality. Hopefully he's getting gender therapy for his dysphoria.
Please, don't be selfish. Regardless of how much we love someone, it's not enough if something major is in the way. Your insanely high sex drive *is* major. You've cheated twice, for goodness sake. Him forgiving you and opening the relationship doesn't make you compatible or right for each other.
I'm sorry, but you need to see this rationally. Get the therapy. Hopefully it will help your relationship, but if it doesn't, don't cling to it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (7 March 2018):
 it is very hard to find a compromise between 4x per day and 1x per month. You have ruled out any practical solutions. All that is left is certain antidepressants with sexual side effects. How epic will your love be when neither of you is interested in sex with the other?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 March 2018):
I've been with a trans guy and I'm still in love with him. This has very little to do with him and more to do with you needing serious therapy to manage your addiction and hypersexuality.
There's nothing to "give up on" with him. He hasn't done anything that needs your persistence. YOU need to focus on yourself.
Stubbornness will not help either of you. Some things aren't feasible - finding a compromise seems like one of them.
You need therapy. He needs gender therapy to help him with his dysphoria.
Love isn't everything, OP. Sex isn't either, but being well-matched in all areas is important.
Give therapy a go, but don't be stubborn about staying in a relationship where you may not be as right for each other as you'd like to be.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 March 2018):
 Honestly? The only option I see here for you is to visit a therapist. It is nice to see that you are in a loving relationship, but you are both going through some major life changing events at the moment, so it would be best for you to seek professional help if you feel you are battling with an addiction. Couples counselling might also help you both as a couple.
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