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How do I wipe away memories of bad ex?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 December 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 December 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:


I keep having vivid dreams every night lately, mostly just random dreams but so vivid they are like movies, I can wake crying/laughing/in shock. Last night I dreamt about a man from my past, who I can only label as a sociopath. I spent a good year pining for him and wasting my time on him , focusing all my energy on making us work. I haven't thought about him in a long time until I dreamt about him last night.

He used me for sex (quite violent sex) , emotionally abused me, made me think that I was crazy, but other times he also took me out , we did things together , he'd tell me he loved me. somehow through the abuse I adored him and would have done anything for him. Anyway contact broke down, he found a new lady, I moved away and he only contacted me once or twice to see how I am and how my life is. And always made me feel guilty for not talking to him. He left me afraid to love any man and afraid to have sex because he always told me "wasn't good enough" , that he was going to "train me to be better"..

Why does this man randomly pop up in my dreams when I've completely cut contact and don't see him anymore? I am quite a sensitive person, I have a hard time dealing with things and this just floods memories back to me of the abuse and the abusive sex. How can I wipe these memories away before they spoil my future happiness.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree that you are suffering from the "after-effects" of a abusive relationship. YOUR mind is trying to rationalize what went on. Why you stayed, why he hurt you and so forth.

He manipulated you a LOT when you were together and in order to "reprogram" yourself to ACCEPT that leaving him was the BEST thing you can do - I think some counseling would be a GOOD idea for you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 December 2014):

I think you may need a little counseling and therapy. You may have some residual post traumatic stress from your old abusive-relationship. Your flashbacks come in the form of vivid dreams. Time normally helps us to distance ourselves from painful memories. This man has traumatized you psychologically to the degree you can't have a good relationship with another man. You're stuck in the past.

Please seek professional counseling and therapy. The sort of problem you're having goes beyond unprofessional advice.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (29 December 2014):

First of all, I'm very proud of you for being able to completely cut this terrible, abusive man out of your life. These dreams of yours could point to PTSD, which is very common after abuse. And you have been abused, no mistake about that. Your mind is trying to process what happened to you.

Unfortunately you can't just wipe away memories; our brains just don't work that way. Reading your post and what this man said and did to you makes me think he did quite a bit of damage, maybe more than you're currently aware of. This is something you need to sort out and heal from. And that can take a while.

If it stays at this one instance, don't be alarmed: like I said, your mind is processing what happened. But if it happens more often, I highly suggest getting counseling to help you cope with this so it doesn't ruin your happiness. They are trained in helping you deal with things like this. They can help you deal with the misplaced guilt and the fear of falling in love with someone else. They can help you recognize the signs of abuse so you can prevent falling into the clutches of another predator. In short, they can give you the tools to help you move on with your life.

There's nothing wrong in seeking assistance when dealing with this; after all, when you get injured, you go to a doctor too, right? So why would you have to work on this on your own.

Hope this helps a bit.

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