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How do I walk away from someone I love so much?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 January 2008) 23 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ue88 writes:

hey, i wrote in a cuple weeks ago asking should i stay or walk away from my married boyfriend, the thing is. i got 1 reply saying stay, i saying leave and 1 saying run.

the thing is i no he's not happy where he is. i no he's not. if you read my first question it would explain whats going on.

i'm writing today as i want to ask you all how do i walk away from someone i love so much. its so hard i've tried many times but cannot. i believe you have to want to do something to do it. i dont want to. so really am asking for help on where to go with this 1. thanx

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A female reader, a woman in love Philippines +, writes (17 November 2009):

As what Pam/ harlebabe wrote..i, too, am the wife...what your saying is actually only one side of the story...your side...it's what you want to believe in. like her, we didn't have any problems in marriage...although it wasn't perfect. but when she came along, there suddenly seems to be a lot more.

The thing is when i found out about the affair...i fought to keep him..but eventually i asked him, if he would want to leave. I told him if staying with me is no longer making him happy or if he no longer loves me, i am willing to let go...than to force him to stay on in marriage.

He chose to stay..and I see that he is doing everything he can to make up. But i also know that she hasn't given up on him inspite of knowing that we are together. The fact that he comes home to me everyday and spends more time with me clearly shows that he has chosen but she is still around. Just imagine if it was the other way around with you...you are the wife..how would you feel? You have to let go...

Who knows, if he is meant for then he will realize that..and it may not be tom or the day after he will be yours for good. But for now, learn to accept to let go...give them the space their...let go of him because he doesn't belong to you.

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A female reader, a woman in love Philippines +, writes (17 November 2009):

As what Pam/ harlebabe wrote..i, too, am the wife...what you're saying is actually only one side of the story...your side...it's what you want to believe in. like her, we didn't have any problems in marriage...although it wasn't perfect. but when she came along, there suddenly seems to be a lot more.

The thing is when i found out about the affair...i fought to keep him..but eventually i asked him, if he would want to leave. I told him if staying with me is no longer making him happy or if he no longer loves me, i am willing to let go...than to force him to stay on in marriage.

He chose to stay..and I see that he is doing everything he can to make up. But i also know that she hasn't given up on him in spite of knowing that we are together. The fact that he comes home to me everyday and spends more time with me clearly shows that he has chosen me but she is still around. Just imagine if it was the other way around with you...you are the wife..how would you feel? You have to let go...

Who knows, if he is meant for you then he will realize that..and it may not be tom or the day after he will be yours for good. But for now, learn to accept to let go...give them the space their...let go of him because he doesn't belong to you.

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A female reader, harlebabe United States +, writes (24 October 2009):

Oh let me give you my advice !!! You might not like it though. I am in that kinda situation here, my husband is see another women someone that is at his work. You put yourself on the other side and think about he is married !!! And you are just adding to splitting up his marriage, maybe they are seeing hard times but they need to work on their marriage. They do not need women like you clouding their heads up and causing more destress on their problems. They need to work it out, and together, it does not need to be about you!!! I never seen anything going wrong with our marriage it was just she came along and then that is when he suddenly decided that we had problems, she was what made a reason for a problem to suddenly appear !! You leave them alone and let them work it out. If you walk away and give them room and let it be they may find that they love each other. You should be a women enough to do that because it can happen to you. You may love someone with all your heart and suddenly they love someone else. You do not know just how hard that is to suddenly lose your best friend and you love of your life and you don't matter anymore. Have a heart lady !!! Do what is right !!! It could be you one day and you will think about this letter that I am writing you.

Pam

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008):

You don't have to "want" anything to do it. You just have to make a decision and stick to it. Being an adult is about making choices - whether they be right or wrong it doesn't matter because in the end you have free will and will make it work out for yourself. Please leave this attached man. He has no respect for his wife, himself or you at this point. He needs time to get himself straight and then when he's come to terms with what he wants and needs if you're still available then great. If not the agony will be that much closer to OVER.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

How do you walk away from someone you love so much?

I feel for you, and I am in the very same situation.

I'm in love with a married man, who says he's not happy

but if he leaves his kids will turn away from him.

we have been seeing each other (having sex) for two years

I'm starting to believe that if they really wanted to leave their wives (not that it would be easy) even if you are unhappy. if they wanted to they would. I'm still with him but I'm tired of being the (secret) all I can say is you will (we will) get to the point when you realize it's just

not enough love there for everyone. and you will have to move on. even though it's so difficult. I guess I hope he will see what he has lost if I stay away for awhile.

maybe you could try that too. If we keep going along with the program why should they leave, getting their cake and eating it too. as they say. Good Luck!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

how long have you been in this relationship and if its been more than a year and he still saying he's miserable in his marriage and he's going to leave her and its been the same story through out the relationship babygirl let it go because he just doing the married man thing he wants his cake and eaat it to. and ask yourself this don't you deserve more don't you deserve to be truly happy. i wish you the best take care.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (9 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf you have difficulty leaving, it is because you did not have enough yet. It is also not the time to leave yet.

You have entered a dark tunnel and there are like miles and miles of darkness before you can see the light at the end of this tunnel.

How long is this dark tunnel? Nobody knows and I can only wish you all the best and one day you may find the courage to pull out completely.

Some day you will see the light at the end of this tunnel and be wiser not to enter into another dark tunnel again.

Life goes on.

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A male reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (9 February 2008):

I couldn't put it any better than jaasmine. So be a fool if you want to,but we make our own beds and we have to lie in them. You are asking what you should do,but you already know the answer,so forget your heart and go with your head for a change.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008):

He's unhappy huh, gee, that's the excuse my husband said to his skank, yet what a surprise to me he was a loving husband at the same time...I never saw it coming.. I have heard this so many times, but yet the married man never leaves the wife, hmmmm could it be because he is getting some free p----y on the side..lucky him..if he has found a sucker my husband when caught pleaded with me to take him back and now I can't tell you how lovey dovey he is....he never contacted the other woman again...I did...she was not to happy...I bet she didnt see that coming either...!

You are young please dont go hurting another woman, there is so much hurt in the world, the guy is a scumbag...

If he was unhappy he would of left by now...do yourself a favour...

Go find a single guy and play house with him,,,this guy wants play Russian Roullette and its a dangerous game..

Dont be a homewrecker, you will never forgive yourself

Good Luck Hun

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A female reader, Dawnie United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2008):

Dawnie agony auntYou have been given lots of good advice, try taking it. Why go with a married man?, even if you end up with him eventually it won't be long before he is up to his old tricks. This time you will be the victim, the woman left at home while he goes off cheating. And don't be stupid enough to think it won't happen. Get yourself a man who is available, not someone else's.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (8 February 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntI think you should love YOURSELF more and take your life to a higher ground. You will always be sloopy seconds, I'd find a better love who will put me first if I were in your shoes.

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A female reader, sue88 United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2008):

sue88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hello1 this is for you.

unlike some i do have a heart and i do love this man, have you ever heard of easier said than done. you cant just up and walk away from some1 you love.

i hope 1 day you understand what i'm talking about and maybe you'll think about what you say before you actually do.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2008):

hello1 agony auntYou got pretty good advice and it seems you haven't followed any of it. By now he should have split with his wife or you should have walked away. You have done neither so I take it you like being the other woman. I don't understand why women get involved with married men anyway. Your not worth my effort or time

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A female reader, sue88 United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2008):

sue88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hey thanks guys, i'm still at the same place i was then its getting more complicated all the time. any advice needed especially people whos been in a similar position. thanks.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (15 January 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntYou know exactly where to go with this and what your future will be with this loser, you've been living it. You say you love him but it's all one sided, your side. If he truly loved you he would leave his wife for you, pure and simple. Dump the user-loser and find someone with whom you can have a future.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (15 January 2008):

eddie agony auntIf you don't want to have bad breath, you shouldn't eat garlic. IF your "boyfriend" wants to have a good marriage, he shouldn't date another woman. One plus one equals two....somethings can't be avoided. You say he's not happily married. If you try to be honest with yourself, what other opinion could you possibly form? That is the only opinion that gives you permission to carry on with him. Stay away from married people. It's not your business to judge "their" relationship because you were not part of the deal. The female that should be judging the relationship is his wife. When he's single, maybe it will be your turn. You're young, try to start a relationship on solid ground.

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A female reader, shandygirl United States +, writes (14 January 2008):

shandygirl agony auntI was involved with a married man once. I REALLY loved him sooo much. He said that he was unhappy with his wife, and he was. But when you are in a situation like that, as I was too, GIVE IT A TIME LIMIT. My limit was 9 months. If he didn't leave his wife before then, then I planned to move on.

He didn't know this. It was a secret I kept to myself. But, I helped things along a bit. I left my hair brush in his car, made sure I left samples of hair in his car, and accidently spilled perfume in his car, and, I left lipstick smears on his cloths. Sounds evil, eh? But the thing was, I felt that she had the right to know that there was another woman.

She ended up divorcing him, because she found out about us. ( I wonder how ? ) We married. We are now separated for 1 1/2 yrs. pending a divorice, because I saw why they were unhappy together. He was a selfish, self centered jerk.

There are 2 sides to every story. Think about it.

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A female reader, duskyrowe United Kingdom +, writes (14 January 2008):

duskyrowe agony auntHi Sue how are you Hun? I feel that I just had to reply to your letter. What I am gonna tell you, you will not like but please hear me out.

You are a young woman with needs, ie you want stability loyalty and love in a relationship, and sadly in this one you are in now has neither. Not only is he deceiving his wife, but he is deceiving his children (I presume he is a father). Which is not a good role model to his children, as he is sending messages that lying and cheating is acceptable. When he says that he is not sleeping with his wife, I bet you my last penny that they also share an active sex life too as well with you. If he is not happy with his marriage, why has he not done anything about it?

You are very young and impressionable and also very naive to think this guy is going to commit to you and leave his wife. This is a manipulation of the worst kind, and he has taken advantage of your vulnerability and lack of knowledge of the real world. Have you ever looked around you and broaden your horizon on any single unavailable men, who could be your potential partner?

Do your self some justice and have a little self respect for yourself and get away from this ruthless and cunning predator. I am painting you a bigger picture her for you, say that he does eventually leave his wife and family for you. How would that make you feel being labelled a home wrecker, this will not do any good to your relationship resume any good if you do eventually break up with him and find yourself in the singles club. Not many men respect women who is willing to break up a family and will not do your credibility any good. They are going to see you as a loose woman and will probably use you like your lover is doing.

So please take heed as to what I am saying to you my love. You are young and do not want to have a guy who is a nasty love rat. You want a nice young man who will treat you like a princess and is willing to commit to you and have a happy fulfilling future with you. You can do so much better for yourself and you will thank me in tne long run with the advice that I am giving to you. Take care my darling and feel free to ask whatever problem you may have. Aunty Dusky xxxx

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (14 January 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntI didn't read your last question or the postings, but every man who cheats on his wife Always, ALWAYS says that he is in an "unhappy marriage". It says a lot about a persons character that they would stray on their spouse. You might not want to thinks about this, or think about his marriage at all, and simply choose to believe him. Think about this though, they made vows to stay together and love and be faithful to one another. He didn't keep those vows to her, and rather than confront the own issues in their marriage, he committed adultery. It doesn't sound like he has a very good record of keeping any promises that he makes, what will you tell yourself when he starts lying to you?

I know that it isn't easy to take off the rose-coloured glasses, and see him for the man that he is. You are looking at him through the eyes of love and he doesn't really deserve either your love OR your trust. The only thing that I can tell you from the outside looking in, and 52 years of living, is that you are Young. You are too young to be tied up in a situation like this. You deserve a better guy, a decent guy, one who you will never have to worry about, one that doesn't complicate the hell out of your life.

Here is Oprah Winfrey's favorite quote by Maya Angelou -

When people show you Who They Are - Believe them the first time.

I believe he has shown you, in every way, who he is, by cheating on his wife and lying about it to her. I think that you are in for a whole lot MORE heartache if you Stay with him than if you Leave. I know it won't be easy. Endings are always hard. Difficult choices always require walking away from something that we could have stayed with, but have to give up for our own growth. Good luck with your decision, Dear. You deserve so much better than this.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (14 January 2008):

hello1 agony auntIf he's really unhappy as you said, he'll leave his wife. You should say one last time, leave your wife or its over. if he dosen't then BREAK UP, if not then you like being in this sort of relationship, you like being second best, being the other woman which is what you are.

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A female reader, Dawnie United Kingdom +, writes (14 January 2008):

Dawnie agony auntWell he is married so i think that is your answer. I don't understand why people get involved with someone who is not available, he made vows to his wife after all. Leave them to sort their marriage out it's nothing to do with you. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, he may well tell you he is unhappy,i imagine thats what married people who cheat do. He probably says they don't sleep together too, never make love. I bet they do.

If someone is genuinely unhappy in their marriage they would get out regardless, no-one stays with someone who makes them unhappy.

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (14 January 2008):

rockelle agony auntSue my best advice to you is that you need to think long and hard about what you want. You mentioned that he is unhappy in his marriage, but what about you are you happy? that should be your main concern. You obviously aren't satisfied with what you are getting from the relationship if you are seeking advice on how and why you should end it. I think that relationships are wonderful, but you can not depend on another person to make you happy and make you feel complete. As long as you depend on someone else to make you happy you will always be let down. What does this man have to offer you? What is so great about him that you are lowering your standards and settling for his wifes left overs? Hun, you deserve more and you deserve better.

I hope that things work in your favor. Good Luck.

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A female reader, keba Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (14 January 2008):

keba agony auntwell sweety i have been in the same place not to long ago but you know what i realise when night came that is the woman hes sleeping with kissing going out with and i was just the rebound girl i was what he took his frustration out on in the bedroom, and then it hit me if he was so unhappy why didn't he just leave her and when i asked him to he made al these excuses why then i realise i was only a rebound some he could brush when his wife wasn't give in him any so baby girl you need to walk away you dont have to do it all at once and if you mean so much to him he will walk away with you sweety the best whay to get sommething is give it up and if it is for you you would end up with him

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