A
female
age
30-35,
jolene77
writes:I was born in 1977 and my father never acknowledged me. I was adopted by who I call my real father when I was 2. My mother wont give anything away but iv had my gran tell me his name and where he was from at the time.I dont know what to do next. I've googled his name but nothing has come upWhat do I do next???Moderator note:For users security we can't allow the posting of anyone's personal detais eg; real names and locations. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maddi  +, writes (28 September 2008):
jolene77, I am unfortunaltely in the same position as you are and may I just say Bugger to all this 'secracy for your own good'! Parents out there should realise that it isn't a matter of either parent looking out for you(although they obviously truely are trying to.) Every child has a right to know who made them. I found your message whilst looking for my father and I wish us both infinite luck, not only in finding them, but in the men that we find, Regards, Madelene.
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (6 April 2008):
 I have to agree with eyeswideopen- you need to know your medical history. You have a right to know what you are at risk for and to meet him if you choose. I was adopted and I am appalled that I have no access to my medical history- I have a son that I love more than life itself. I find it abusive & destructive that I don't even know what to tell the doctors when they ask for my family medical history and what diseases could be passed on genetically to him that could be prevented and monitored! How terrifying is that?! If you already have a name, you can find him if you have an approximate age- most online services will have you pay a fee but I'd do some research on which ones deliver what they promise.
I understand the other aunt's concerns and there may be a reason you don't want to know, maybe your mother was raped, maybe he was abusive, who knows....but it's still your choice. She certainly has had her fair share of choices- deciding to get pregnant with him, deciding to have the baby, and deciding to withhold the information. NO MA'AM, she made her decisions already and now you can make your own for your own life. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Cindy303 +, writes (4 April 2008):
 Being the single mother of a daughter who is nearly 11, I had made the choice to walk away from her father when I found out I was pregnant due to some difficult issues in his life. My daughters father knew she had been born, but respected my wishes to never interfere or ask to be a part of her life. I have always worked hard to give her a good life and make sure she was able to feel like she was always so loved and so important even though she never had a father in her life.
This past Christmas she asked me about her father for the first time in her life. I sat her down and told her. I figured if she was old enough to ask she was old enough to have it explained to her. It was a delicate and emotional conversation, but I was honest with her and let her know where her father was and who he was.
Your mother has no right at your age to keep such information from you. If something ever happened to her and you were left with no answers it could cause an empty and black hole in your life. I think you need to sit down with her and have a long talk. Your an adult and its time you were told the truth. I can see a mother wanting to protect her children. Its nature. But, this information should not be kept from you any longer. Even if what you hear is not happy news. Just be ready for anything. The think not knowing has to be worse. Best of Luck. Cindy
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 April 2008):
 All in all, good or bad, you have a right to know and once informed you can decide whether you want to look him up or not. Just having a medical history can be a great help to your own health. I say you have a nice, calm, talk with your mom.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Your mother is wrong! I would try and get your grandmother to give you as much info as possible and then I would do everything in my power to find him. You can do the cheap way by going on craigslist and see if anyone knows him or even go to his hometown and try and find his relatives, friends etc. There is absolutely NO REASON to keep information from adult children!
I have a 56 y/o brother whom I've never met, but talked to once (he doesn't want to be bothered)
I have a 54 y/o sister whom I just met in February at 'our' father's funeral
I have a 52 y/o brother whom I just met 6 years ago and what is heart-wrenching is that,,,,it is rumored that he has 56 illegimit children.
I personally feel that it is my "right" to know ALL of my brothers and sisters!
I'm 49 and feel so angry at the "SECRETS" my elder relatives take to their graves....the shame is in...keeping the secrets and family history from US!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (4 April 2008):
 Dear, I think your mother may have a good reason not to give you this information. But I can't possibly know.
I do know, however, that sometimes when a person looks for a long-gone parent what he or she finds is not that good. Sometimes parents leave because they just won't want anything at all to do with a son or daughter, and they don't change their minds just because many years have gone by. I saw this happening with my own eyes, with a relative of mine. The child wanted to know the father and the father insisted that, just as he hadn't wanted anything at all to do when the child was born, he just didn't want anything at all now. He argued that he had a wife and children who didn't know about his "mistake" and he would never ever risk that for someone he didn't give a damn for.
I see you don't feel like this man who raised you was your real father. In the biological sense, of course he is not. And perhaps you never felt loved by him; I can't know. But, in the end, with all of his shortcomings, it was he who was there for you.
I understand your need to know who was the man involved in your birth. I just would like you to be aware that you might be up for an unpleasant surprise again.
When I was a kid, we had these friends who lived practically on their own. Their mother worked the whole day, and the three boys had to look after themselves. I mean cooking, cleaning, going to school, bathing, et cetera. The mother JUST couldn't be there for them: she had to work and she didn't have the skills for a well paid job. She did have three mouths to feed. They had a father, who had been married to their mother when they were born, but I never ever saw his face. I did know that the eldest son was the one who always went to the father's house, to get some money. Sometimes he did, but most often he didn't. The father had another woman, too.
These neighbors went to live in Canada. They are now Canadian citizens and, though they are not well off, they are just not as grimly poor as they used to be. The eldest son, the one who had to play the role of father, came back often, because he missed his country of birth and his friends. He also found his father.
One day, he e-mailed me and said that his father was sick, he had sent money for medications, but he wanted to make sure he had received them or was taking them. He asked me to go to the father's house. That was the first time I saw the father's face. And he was poor, yes, but not as grimly poor as he had this friend believe. And he was sick, yes, but not as sick as many other people who manage to live productive lives. He was old, that's for sure, and he had a very young wife to support. And he cried and said his son had deserted him. He had so many needs, and his son was that insensitive...
Do you get my point, poster?
You have lived a happy life, I hope, without your biological father. After you find him, make sure you will continue to be happy. And make sure to bear in mind who is who in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I can understand your possition but have you ever stopped to think why your mom has kept this person out of your life maybe he's a drunk or violent or just no good for you you. I beleive your mom probably has some really good reason why she don't want him around you she loves you so much that she don't want know wrong or pain to come your way. I know some one who contactd her father and all she got was pure heart ache and he turned out to be a low life drunk who abused women just a word of advice be careful you don't know why she got rid of him but I'm sure she had your future a heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 April 2008):
Your mother is not playing fair here. You have every right to know all about your biological father, half of your genes are from him for crying out loud. Does your mother give reason for keeping this important information from you?
...............................
|
