A
male
age
51-59,
*areddie0320
writes:I have been married for 34 years and have 2 children. A Girl 30, and a son 24. Our sex life has never been fantastic, and my wife was a virgin when we met and I've had to try and 'teach' her everything for the most part. She has always been very reserved all the time I've known her, but I stuck with it and tried to be happy. We have had several arguments, especially in the last couple of years mostly about sex and her refusal to do 'certain things'. I do love my wife as a person and the mother of my two fine children but I now find that I am no longer 'in love' with her. Several months ago I became involed with another woman as I felt I was in a vulnerable state. She is single and we eventually fell deeply in love with each other and I now realize that this is the woman I've needed my entire life. She's warm, affectionate, uninhibited and genuine.What makes it harder is that as a result of our arguments my wife is being more attentive and doing some things that she has never done before. I's as though she feels she's losing me and wants to try her hardest to keep me.I need to tell her that there is someone else because I feel right now I am just going through the motions because I really want to be with the other woman.Any suggestions on how to accomplish this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): ............and so said the great mistress. valuable insight.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Wow...ok. I am in a very similar situation except I am the mistress and the man I'm cheating with has teenage children and a very lack luster marriage. I too am miserable in my marriage and was putting wheels in motion to leave prior to this affair. My "lover" and I are very much in love, have known each other for 10 years, and he is ready to leave his family as soon as I give him the green light. My reasons for hesitating are complicated but have more to do with leaving my husband better off financially. We (lover and I) are very concerned about handling things right - as you are. If you are financially able to leave and live - I mean eat, pay utilities, etc., then you need to tell your wife immediately. I agree with the poster who said if possible avoid all conversation about your lover. If there is a likelihood your wife is going to find out about the mistress then confess you are in love with someone else. If you can spare her the gut wrenching pain of knowing she's been replaced, then do so but you have to make that honest assessment. Regarding your vows and sticking with your wife - many will throw stones for you cheating and ending your marriage. I will not. Life is too short for ANYONE to be miserable. If you are not in love with your wife, then staying with her is preventing her from finding what you say you have found. She deserves a true love - not one that you with-hold for someone else. If the mistress is truly your soul mate and you see yourself being genuinely more happy then go for it but be as gentle and supportive as possible to your wife and kids. The kids being most important. Hopefully you can handle it in such a way that your children can eventually be happy for you. Don't live a lie just for the sake of keeping a vow you made years ago when perhaps you and/or your wife were different. Note - if it doesn't work out with the mistress. Sit yourself down and evaluate what it is you TRULY need to be happy in this life. My boyfriend regrets too that we didn't meet 21 years ago, but if we had would we be the same? Would we be ready for each other? Life makes us who we are and we are constantly evolving. Know yourself first and the rest will fall in place. Good luck! I don't envy you because i know how hard it is to please yourself and also try to please everyone else when the two conflict so greatly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): What is so evident here is this - our OP still continues to use his wife. he doesn't want to tell her NOW because it is not convienient for him, just like it was not convenient over 34 LONG years. just how much more selfish can he be. you see it is all about him and he will only tell his wife when it suits him. in the meanwhile he will continue with his mistress and use his wife until one day it is too late. i actually think he is worried about finances. after 34 years she is entitled to half his assests??? when will he grow some balls and do the right thing. so sad!
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (14 August 2009):
 This one's real tough. She's trying to change to please you, but in the process she's doing things she never wanted to do to try and keep you. This will lead to deep resentment on her part.I think basically you need to tell her that you love her, care for her but you need your freedom and you can't take no for an answer.She will be hurt really bad because she has given you 34 years and 2 children. But on the same token, with you out of the picture, she doesn't have to do things she doesn't like to keep you.Its a tough thing you're going through and I know exactly what you're going through.
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female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 LOL!!! agree with female anonymous.. :D
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): the irony here is this....you are doing the wrong thing, and you are wallowing in self pity because you do not have the balls to tell your wife you have been having an affair. and you expect us to feel sorry for you. twisted!
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male
reader, Mareddie0320 +, writes (13 August 2009):
Mareddie0320 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,and thanks for all of your replies.
I'm still struggling with this 24/7 on 'when' is a good time to tell my wife (although realistically there ISN'T a good time).I also find myself drinking more to try and get through the night. I also have not initiated sex to my wife for several months (In the past that was the norm). She has been the one making the overtures and I keep hoping that she WON'T !
How's that for irony? I feel that if I get drunk enough that I won't be able to get it up and not have to go through with it.
As far as 'when'-I say to myself; "Well, I can't do it around the holidays, or around her birthday, or my kids' birthdays, (That leaves out October through January now).
So, I either have to do something NOW before October, or after the end of January. Either way, the longer I am putting this off the more pain I am putting myself and the new woman I am in love with through.
My brother, who has been a rock for me feels that if I don't do it between now and the holidays that I should wait until next year. I just want it to be over and done with.
I know what I want and need to do, but am struggling with when to do it.
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female
reader, Jolin +, writes (13 August 2009):
man, if you didnt love her since long time..why should you wait until 34 years gone??
is it because you met up with this woman then you saw the chance to run away - with the cliche excuse of pursuing happiness - , therefore you now wanna release your wife???
it's really tricky, ei?? if you didnt love your wife, you should have divorced her when she was still young regardless there's other woman in your mind..
so your wife could find someone very much better than you.
but now you apparently make up your mind..so, just divorce your wife. Help her to find a good man first, if you think you are a gentleman. Don't just run away, and having a great time with your new girlfriend..assist your wife to find her soulmate first. Can u do that for your wife?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): let me get this straight - it hs taken you 34 years to realise that your wife is not "the one" for you. you have wasted her life. how selfish can you be. you used your loyal wife for 34 years and now you want to throw her away just like that. surely you should realise just what you have done to her. you selfishly stole her life for 34 long years. if your other woman is such a good person with such high morals she wouldn't be getting it on with a married man in the first place. double stands wouldn't you say?you have been trying to mould your wife into something that she is not. how about trying to mould your life into a moral being with integrity. but i am sure you would fail at this as well. after all you failed for 34 years isn't it.
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male
reader, Mareddie0320 +, writes (11 August 2009):
Mareddie0320 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is a bit more information on my original posting; 'How do I tell my wife that I'm cheating on her?'
First of all, the woman whom I have fallen in love with is not younger than me as everyone seems to assume. In fact, she is a bit older than me. Secondly, I know it may be hard to believe but maybe I had gotten married 34 years ago for the wrong reasons and to a woman who I really knew wasn't compatible, but I thought I could 'change' her, etc.
I have also known this other woman for over a year now,formed a very close friendship, and have this bond between us.
It wasn't until about 6 months ago that we both (almost simultaniously)confessed our true feelings to each other.
In addition, because of my marital status she cannot have sex with me while I am still living in the same house with my wife (Yes- that IS true!). I know that it sounds as if she's giving me an ultimatum, but she loves me very much but wants it done the right way. She also feels bad about my wife's feelings but does want to be with me.
So this is what the situation is; we are both very much in love, scared, and tortured.
So, you see- I have already decided that this other woman IS the woman that maybe I should have sought out over 34 years ago,Instead of marrying my wife whom I have been unsuccessfully attempting to 'makeover'all these years.
I know, 34 years is a long time to finally realize this, but don't misunderstand- I am not a gigilo, I don't go bar-hopping looking for women. In fact had I not met this other woman I probably would still be trying to mold my wife into the woman of my dreams, totally unaware that my true soul-mate was out there.
I hope this clarifies a few things. Thanks for all your input.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): so you are lusting after this single woman. so sex is just that sex. well please do not waste your wifes time anymore. tell her you have someone else and allow your wife to move on. i am sure there will be another MAN who will see your wifes good qualities and love her for herself. like so many others before you, i think you will learn the hard way but no amount of me telling you this will make you heed the warning. you have been a coward thus far, the quicker you tell your wife the better. you see in time all the blowjobs you are getting from your mistress will frizzle out as well. normal life will return and then what? same old boring life with the mistress?? are you a "honest" person, well if you claim you are. then it is time to act this honesty out. your mid life crises started at a late age.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): you are paying attention to sex rather than love. Your true love is sitting at home, you need eyes to see her, your wife.
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female
reader, Jolin +, writes (10 August 2009):
how to accomplish it?divorce your wife. that's the only answer. No matter what way you chose, you already know it must hurt your wife and your kids.But i am just wondering, if you cant keep the thing you started, can you keep the next move? There's no perfect marriage in this world, the people engaged into marriage just make it perfect. If you are so easy to blame the weakness of your spouse as the issue of your marriage, you will do the same on the next marriage. Trust me :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): So you're about to chuck your dotting wife and fine mother of your wonderful kids out to pasture because she's old, inhibited and not your soul mate but the young lass is. Shame on you. Obviously, she's picked up the signals that you've found someone else and, indeed, even realizing this, still wants a relationship with you. You really owe it to her to see a marriage counselor and reclaim your marriage. You are selfishly looking at your corporeal needs instead of her needs and when you wed you made vows to be there for each other and not for your own selfish interests.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I'm sorry, but I'm not a fan of telling the truth when the end result is hurting someone very deeply and possibly forever, and hurting your kids as well. Is counseling an (and sexual counseling) an option? Are there ways to improve your relationship? Do your really love your wife even though you're not "in love" with her? Keep in mind that the "in love" stage does not last, and that if you have a legitimate relationship with this woman that those feelings of being in love and lust will certainly fade (and also the forbidden factor which makes the lust that much more intense). What's important in the long run is when that stage does fade that it turns into genuine love and friendship. Someone that you respect and care for, can communicate with and loves you and wants what's best for you. Has your wife been good to you? Loyal, supportive, etc? Would you miss her if she were completely out of your life? Think long term. Does this other woman have any warning signs? (that she would have an affair with a married man is a warning sign in itself) If you love your wife and stay with her, cut ties with this temporarily appealing woman (the feelings will fade with time if you really focus on making your marriage better) and DO NOT tell your wife, it will hurt her terribly and she won't be able to get your infidelity out of her mind, ever. I know many wouldn't agree with me, but if you really are miserable with your wife, I would state other reasons for needing a divorce or a separation and see this woman quietly, then in the future introduce her to the family as someone you met after you and your wife separated. There will be some hurt, but it wouldn't be of tragic and irreparable proportions.Good luck, I hope you work things out.
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female
reader, Char02 +, writes (10 August 2009):
I think you should've told your wife all of this in the beginning. You could've saved time for the both of you. Now because you're cheating on her with this other woman, you're hurting her and that's not fair to the mother of your children. She deserves better than that!! This other woman, hopefully she doesn't know your wife, but she should be put herself in your wife's shoes and think about what if it was her! I suggest you tell your wife right away and give her a chance to make it up to you. I mean you were her first, be her last and her everything, too. Almost 35 years and 2 children is too much, too much to throw away now.
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female
reader, pinktopaz + ♥, writes (10 August 2009):
There's no easy way to tell a person that you're cheating on them, especially if that person is your wife. I mean there's no gentle way to put it, either way she's going to be extremely hurt. I would say, just be prepared to find a new place to live and remember, "hell hath no furry like that of a woman scorned." And your children will probably not want to speak to you again...hope this other woman is worth it.
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female
reader, Ravenxx91  + ♥, writes (10 August 2009):
 Tell her the truth but for obvious reasons she will be upset. And dont tell her its her fault either. It was your choice. as baby duck said, the damange is done
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Is there really no hope for your marriage? If you went to counseling and your wife was able to overcome her inhibitions would you feel differently about her?....If not then the sooner the better so she doesn't go on thinking you love her.
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