A
female
age
30-35,
*ethanyg
writes:I need some advice on how to talk to my parents. I'm 23 and an only child. I'm very close to my parents and I know they love me very much. Ive always been a good kid and never really have my parents any trouble. I love out of town about 7 hours away from them. In July I started dating a guy that I adore , we have so much in common and he makes me so happy. He encourages me, pushes me to be the best I can be and makes me happier then I have ever been. My parents know I'm dating someone but they don't know a lot about him. He's 19 years older then me, he is divorced and has a 5 year old daughter. I'm afraid that they will be upset about those things. They want to meet him and he wants to meet them but im not sure how to tell my parents about his age and past without them judging him or saying he's to old for me. All of our friends that know us keep telling us how much we were made for each other and how happy we both are with each other.Should I tell them before we go to visit them or wait until we go to visit ? If you were my parents how would you react
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): I was in the exact same boat as you, with the exact same age difference. I am currently 23 and my partner is 42. We've been together for about 3 years now and have lived together for a year and a half.
Now about the parent situation. From my experience it is best telling them about your partner BEFORE they meet them, don't leave it as a surprise. I'd either call them on the phone or tell them face to face. Try to make it a positive thing, the age difference doesn't need to be this negative thing that looms over the conversation. You're breaking good news to your parents that you have found someone special! If they do feel upset, give them time to calm down, maybe a few hours, maybe a few days. Let them breathe and adjust to the idea, sometimes you'd be surprised how a parent's love can overcome initial prejudices (over time). I'd also maybe wait a little longer before telling them as your relationship hasn't had a year to test the waters, but that's just my preference.
And to end on a positive note, you don't have to listen to negative comments about there being a big age difference. I can tell you one thing I've learned is that from my own relationship and other couples I know who have a similar age gap (I know a couple who have been together for over 20 years with a 20y age gap!). Age is not just a number, it's very important, but so is one's own personal maturity. You can be 50 and behave like a teenage brat, or you can be 16 and have the maturity of a 60 year old. Individuals develop differently, but keep in mind there is a generational different. However, a generational difference can be a great learning experience for both people in the relationship. Don't cave into people's negative opinions on an age gap relationship, it's a societal thing. Coming from a big and diverse city, none of our friends or family seem to mind, all they care is that we're both happy and that's all that should matters!
Good luck my darling! xx
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 Yeah I have to agree with everyone else and tell them before the visit. I think most parents would not want to see their daughter with an older guy. So they need to hear the news and calm down a bit before meeting you both. Let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 Before.
Otherwise, they could be surprised, and they could be so surprised that they would act shocked, and that would be unpleasant and embarassing for everybody.
If I were your parents.. I'd probably faint and would need smelling salts to be revived, lol. TBH, I think that most parents would not be happy with your choice and at first it would make then feel worried or disappointed .
BUT : they are your parents , they love you and they want you to be happy. If you and bf are really made for each other and make each other happy, if it is really love and not just infatuation, if they can see he treats you well, in fact make that " stellarly ", with care and respect , ... it won't take long for them to come around and accept that you have found the right match, just in a different package than they expected.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 You should tell your parents before you go visit. And as it stands, you give off the impression that YOU are ashamed of him and you are embarrassed by his age and him having a child. So you definitely NEED to tell your parents this in good time before they meet him.
Now, if THEY are judgmental or get upset, then let them get upset. So what? You can hang up the phone if they are rude. Or you can choose to not introduce him to them if they are rude and judgmental. There is no law saying you have to introduce your boyfriend to your parents, if they aren't going to be nice.
I for one, never introduced any of my boyfriends to my father, because I have zero interest in hearing his opinion on them (no doubt his opinion would be bad, no matter who I dated). If you are dead sure they will object, then what is the point of even attempting an introduction?
Then again, you could be wrong, and that they don't care at all.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 If you told me before, I wouldn't be happy because a guy his age shouldn't see someone your age as dateable and I think it's creepy that he would, as though women closer to his own age have noticed something about him worth avoiding. He should want someone in the same stage of life as him, not someone closer in age to his child than him.If you told me when meeting, it would be all of the above and worse because you hid it. It would show immaturity and create an even more awkward meeting because there'd be no time to process it.Relationships like this usually don't work because couples need to be in compatible life stages. At 30 and 49, it may work. At 50 and 69, it may be barely noticeable. At 23 and 42, you will be chalk and cheese, in terms of life stages.I wish you luck with it, but take it very slowly with him and definitely tell your parents a couple of weeks before visiting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 January 2017):
 Before.
Don't let it be a negative situation when they meet him. They might pre-judge him, but at least he can SHOW them that they are wrong. That you two work well together.
Thye might accept it, they might not. But hiding his age and past shows an immaturity on your side. Like you are "lying" or rather omitting things.
An honestly? I wouldn't be happy to have a young daughter in her early 20's dating a guy almost twice her age. No matter how nice he is. Sorry, that is just how I feel. It's too big of a gap at that age.
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