A
female
age
36-40,
*llam25
writes:So to give you a little bit of context - I've been talking with this guy over the phone for a little over a year (we met online) - Let's call him James. He lives in the US and I am in Canada. We used to talk dirty to each other over the phone during that time, but in the past 5 months I have met someone in real life - Let's call him Anthony and we no longer talk that way to each other. Now before you all start attacking me for cheating on Anthony - James knows about Anthony and how serious I am with him (he actually encouraged me to date as I encourage him - we're friends first and foremost). During the year that James and I became closer and closer he has shared a lot with me, he has a birth defect that he thinks is ugly but it never mattered to me but on a more serious note he struggles with depression and anxiety. He thinks he has no friends and that he'll never find someone in real life. We usually talk every night after dinner until we both fall asleep, sometimes when we wake up in the night we're able to talk and it's really comforting. On the nights that he's having an "episode" as he calls them, he cries and cries and it's agonizing to hear because he shuts me out and I feel like I'm no help at all.My main issue (obviously) is that I have met someone new - James is actually fully aware of Anthony and he even started looking at dating apps to find someone for himself. But...Anthony is moving in with me by the end of November - which means I can't talk on the phone with James perhaps ever again. And I have been struggling with how to tell him. I really care about him and I know this will be really taxing on him. I guess I am wondering how you would go about this? I don't want to cut off all contact because he deserves an explanation and some comfort - and I know I would worry about him if I couldn't at least check in every now and then. And of course his depression scares me although he's assured me he would never do anything to hurt himself no matter how dire it got. Thank you so much in advanced for your advice and please no judgement :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 If you want a proper relationship with Anthony then stop lying to him and start telling him the truth. Don't move in with someone until you can be completely honest with them. Surely if James is just a friend then you can both still communicate with each other.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (28 October 2017):
 If you relationship with James is purely platonic, can you not still keep in contact (albeit on a slightly less intense level) after you move in with Anthony? I mean, surely you are not going to drop all your friends just because you have a live-in boyfriend?
Why can you not tell Anthony about James (leaving out the dirty talking, of course) and say he is a friend who needs you to check up on him sometimes because he struggles with life? The night time talks are obviously going to have to end but that does not mean ALL contact should end. You would not drop a girlfriend in the same situation. If Anthony does not allow you friends, then I think you need to be questioning what sort of relationship you are in.
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (28 October 2017):
 Its all good and well that James knows about Anthony, the problem is Anthony doesn't know about James. being he is your boyfriend your need to decide where your loyalties lie and how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You have a few options I suppose. One keep it secret, get caught out and possibly loose your bf. Two, tell him of your friend and relationship and how he feels about you keeping in contact and three ending it with James- period. Who knows, hopefully your new beau is secure enough in your relationship to be ok with it but if he's not then I guess it's friend of Beau.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (28 October 2017):
If James knows everything about Anthony, he should understand that you will no longer be speaking to him. In fact, given the seriousness of your relationship with Anthony and that it is serious enough to move in with him, James is probably wondering why you are still talking to him.
Does Anthony know about James? It appears he doesn't. If anyone deserves to know about the other, it is Anthony. As long as you are talking with James behind his back, you are already cheating on Anthony. How would you feel if you found out tomorrow that Anthony has a girl he often speaks with, sometimes having sexual conversations? You'd probably be very upset. This is totally messed up. Why are you moving in with Anthony? Does he mean much to you? It sounds like you don't really care for him and this is more of a convenience situation.
James is going to have to go this on his own and he already knows it. He is controlling you with all his needs, sorrows and drama. Basically, he is a loser and should seek professional help for his depression and anxiety. He shouldn't make you feel guilty, which he is doing. A good manipulator, that one. Having episodes...what kind of whimp is this guy? He sounds like a weird character in a movie. You really need to focus on the guy you're moving in with and forget all the others, just as you expect him to do for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2017): You had your fun with the online guy and now you're tossing him into the trash heap when the real deal showed up.Not nice.Sure, he said he was ok with the new guy but obviously he is/was hoping for more.No way around it. You're going to hurt him.I think you should have cut contact much sooner. To be entering a seemingly serious relationship with one guy while another guy is still in the shadows is not a very good or promising way to start off a new relationship. I am not sure I'm understanding correctly but does your new guy know about the online guy?? Are you keeping it a secret? Why? Again, secrets are bad and not a good way to begin or continue relationships. Not saying anything is the same thing as a lie. It's called a lie of omission.You made a mess and now you're trying to clean it up so that it all falls in place in your favour. It is never nice to toy with people's emotions. What you think is meaningless sex talk may not be so meaningless to the recipient of your words. You never know how they see the relationship from their side while you just string them along for awhile til something better comes along.You have a new guy. Sadly for the online guy you have to go no contact and mean it, giving full respect to your current partner. You cannot care if this guy has depression or will try to hurt himself. I know it seems cold but it isn't your concern anymore as you have moved on.You should feel bad for dragging it to such a point.People's feelings are never meaningless. And we should never use other people as fun time fillers til somebody better comes along.You were wrong in what you did. Now you have to hurt him because you have made your choice to move in with another man. So, to give your current relationship a fighting chance and to start off on even footing, you need to close the door on that chapter and now look towards the future.And stay away from online chat or dating sites where you could just as easily start doing this sort of a thing again with other guys. Hopefully the attention of one man and a committed relationship is enough for you.
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