A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'll try and be brief and to the point.My parents separated when I was nearly 8, after that I'd go to my dad's every other weekend for visits. To give some idea of this man, he was an alcoholic, he was psychotic, paranoid, extremely pessimistic, highly manipulative, a felon (arson/attempted murder) a wife-beater, and he molested me and subjected me to severe emotional abuse. Not a charming guy, my mom lives in denial she didn't know what he'd done to me though other things were readily apparent but kept insisting he was a good man (really I am not even sure how its possible to uphold that conclusion). In any case I didn't tell my mom what happened, I kept going to his house for my visits acting as though nothing was happening. There are a couple reasons I didn't tell her one I knew he had a very violent history and I had seen him be violent with her so when he said he'd hurt or kill her if I told I believed him. So I didn't tell her finally when I was an adult, I confronted him about what he'd done and cut off all ties, my dad thought my husband was the one who wouldn't let me see him anymore, even after I told him specifically why I (and I did choose) to not see him again. My mom has asked me why I cut off ties (though she's finally admitted he was not a good man) and even though my dad now is destroyed alcoholic, who is virtually powerless I still haven't told her and don't even know how.My mom is like a little kid (I am not being condescending) she just is, her severe ADD gives her no more than about 3 seconds of attention (everyone thinks this not just me), she is easily excitable, throws tantrums, extremely emotional, and believes lies are important for relationships (I am not making that up she has many times exposed this little nugget of distorted wisdom). Talking to my mom is so hard (though she wonders why I don't) if I write her a letter or email she'll usually destroy it the moment it starts to upset her and won't read further, if I talk to her on the phone she'll talk over me and so loudly she won't hear me on top of hanging up every 2 seconds, in person same thing she'll talk so loud over me and jump to so many insane conclusions she'll never hear let alone understand what I am saying, not to mention in person she'll usually get a hold of me when she's upset and start shaking me and such. With all I've said my mom is still sweet and generous and can be lots of fun to hang out with (its so much better when we don't live together), we get on very well if the conversation never run too deep, but I just can't talk to her at all, we've discussed this problem if discussing is her crying and hanging up every time I mention it.I am tired of living a lie though, I am certainly not trying to protect my dad anymore and each time she asks me I have to stick to one of his other not so endearing traits. I am also tired of taking responsibility for my parents, I feel as long as I do the guilt that comes with being abused will remain strong, I don't think I can properly heal. The other concern is my mom and stepdad might do something illegal, as in kill my father and I don't think I am being overly cautious, my mom has told me if a man after did that to me she'd kill them but not only that her and my stepdad have discussed who would do it and she's very serious to the point of unnerving. Anyways I have my dilemmas as you can imagine, I am not protecting my dad but still I do my mom. Any sage words of advice. Should I tell her? If so how on earth do I communicate to her? In person she runs off too goes to her room and locks herself in or goes in her car when things are hard, I live so far from her if she drove home in a hurry worried she might have an accident, she an absolutely terrible driver. I don't even know emotionally if my mom can handle this, ah what do I do???
View related questions:
alcoholic, emotionally abusive, violent Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 There really is not nice way to say it, but your mother sounds insane and you are asking how to tell her something even sane people would have a hard time dealing with?
How would I tell you a very serious piece of news like say your husband died. I could I ask this question here and be given all kinds of advice. Now suppose I add that you are standing on a ledge threatening to jump... All of sudden it becomes a LOT more complicated to the point that really the only thing is NOT to tell you until you are off the ledge.
Your mother needs to deal with her own issues first before you can tell her and you might just not have the time to wait until she finally sorts herself out if that ever happens.
I can understand you feel the need to tell her, but she knows already, she just refuses to deal with it. You could blame mental problems for it, or call her a selfish bitch who prefers her dream world over reality and protecting her daughter.
I know this goes against what the bleeding hearts generally advice, but I would cut contact with her as well. If need be tell her she either grows up or she is out of your life and that is the last time you contact her until she is ready to behave like an adult.
Harsh maybe, but do you really want to continue like this, making excuses for your mother for not protecting you, from not guessing what was wrong?
You say it yourselve, as long as you have to live te lie you can't heal. You got enough to deal with (I do hope you are seeking proffesional counseling, most people really can't deal with this on their own, and support groups help just by making you realize you are NOT alone, that it wasn't you) and can't be your moms babysitter. She is supposed to take care of you, not the other way around.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 Wow, you are a strong woman indeed to survive such an awful father, and childhood. I'm with Shandygirl on this too, you don't need to see your father ever again. I understand your dilemma, you can't tell your mother the specifics but you need to tell her something, right? Can you just tell her that your father has hurt you so deeply over the years (without being specific) because of his alcohol problem and his temper that you've decided you can't see him anymore. You have tried to deal with it, as best you can, you can tell her, but it is just too difficult to deal with anymore. It's the accumulated hurt and anger that will harm your mental health if you have contact with him, it's not any one specific thing. Tell her you've tried to forgive him but that it's just not possible for you at this point. If she presses you on this, just tell her that it is making you so unhappy that you can't talk about it.
I hope you've been able to ask for counseling so that you don't have to carry this burden on your own shoulders. Ultimately, you have to realize, she is responsible for her own feelings and behavior, you can't fix it for her. If she needs help, she's going to have to ask for it herself. You are not responsible for her mental well-being, her behavior or your stepdad's for that matter.
Stay strong, be well, and don't take burdens on yourself that don't belong to you any more.
...............................
A
female
reader, shandygirl + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 Good for you & smart.... to cut off ties with your Father. He does not sound like someone you need to ever be around again! You don't HAVE to, just because he is your father. I came from a simular history, except it was my step-father, whom my mother was with from the time I was 5 until I was 18, but,he didn't drink. He was a demon in my eyes.
If your mother can't handle hearing the truth, then just don't tell her. What else can you do?
You sound like an extremely STRONG woman. Keep being strong!
xoxox
...............................
|
