A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I tell my girlfriend she's spending too much time at my place?My girlfriend doesn't have a place of her own and lives with her parents. Her parents live about 25 minutes away but she doesn't drive so it takes almost an hour for her to commute into the city where she spends the majority of her time. I live in the city therefore it's convenient for her to stay at my place however she ends up staying over at least a week or more at a time and when she does go home it will only be for a day or two at the most usually. I like having her over but I feel like I'm compromising my comfort in my space to make sure she's accommodated sometimes. I'm currently renting a room in a house therefore the majority of our time in the house is spent in my room together. Also she likes to stay up until 3 and 4 in the morning most nights which conflicts with my sleep schedule. In addition to that she works at night so she doesn't come in until late on nights that she works which means I have to get up to let her in. At this point I feel like I've been quicker to have an attitude with her when it comes to the situation because of a feeling of obligation to allow her to stay. I haven't given her a key as of yet also because I feel like she may use that as an opportunity to come and go as she pleases and stay out later. Am I looking at this situation from the wrong perspective or should I tell her I need my space and if so, how do I go about doing that without seeming selfish. Anytime I've ever tried to bring it up before she always says if the situation were switched she would allow me to stay as long as I like. What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): It sounds as though you don't want to be with her. Usually in the first stages of being in love you don't want to be apart, I don't think you love her!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Well you don't say how long you've been together.Most good relationships end up with the two love birds spending forever together and that involves going to sleep and waking up next to each other everyday! Some would say this is the point in your relationship where you decide whether this relationship is headed is long term or not.If the problem is space then I totally get where you're coming from.If you don't want to move in together then fair enough - but do tell her this.I totally agree with you about not giving your key. It's your name on the lease so don't feel pressurised to give her a key.Why not suggest getting a bigger place together in the city?I do think she should at least have offered to pay bills since she's practically moved in. Does she pay for food at least? She isn't going to be happy however you phrase it but well, you're unhappy so this has to be resolved.Good luck; I feel your pain!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): Your girlfriend is being EXTREMELY selfish here and very inconsiderate.
You, on the other hand, are having difficulty asserting yourself.
SELFISH people routinely take advantage of UNASSERTIVE people. And they will come up with ANY number of reasons as to why you should allow them to do so.
Your girlfriends lousy statement - that if the situation were reversed she'd let you stay as long as you like - is absolute bullshit - the REALITY is that the situation IS NOT reversed because she has not gotten her act together enough to find a home for herself AND, if she had gone through that hassle, she might have more consideration for just how precious one's own space is.
I wouldn't just tell her she can't stay so much, I'd dump her. She's a parasite by nature - and there are PLENTY of people like this. She's simply using you because it's the easier option and YES, without doubt, she is trying to move in with you. I say dump her because when someone is so utterly inconsiderate and selfish as this it's a sure sign that there's far more where that came from and it will wear you out trying to teach her basic manners and etiquette.
Get rid of her and enjoy your space with a girl who won't crowd you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): You came to this site, because you know she'll be offended if you were bluntly honest with her.
You have no choice but to be honest with her. People will take liberties, if you set no guidelines or restrictions. She is inadvertently living with you rent-free; and she's keeping tabs on you at the same time. A sneaky tactic.
I sense you feel she's closing-in on you; forcing you into a stronger commitment than you really want with her.
Isn't that the real issue here?
You know if you say she's around too much, that will lead to a ton of questions about where the commitment is going, so-on and so-forth? You don't want to give her a key; because you know she'll abuse the privilege, and purposely make surprise visits. Mainly to checkup on you. You also like your private "me-time;" but needy people don't believe in such things. Girlfriends don't approve of such a mindset in a boyfriend. I'd say your back is against the wall here.
Be honest with us. We won't tell, and we won't judge you harshly. It is, what it is. Only, she has a right to know from you straight-up. Sometimes there is no getting around being point-blank. You'll get the same reaction from her; if you ignore it until you get pissed-off and blurt it out in frustration.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): There is no nice way to say 'I've had too much of you now, bugger off'.
I have a similar situation to you except the opposite way round (boyfriend rents a room but I live with my mum in her house) Boyf probably stays at his room a couple of nights a month, which isn't so bad as it's a big house at mine and mostly just me in it , as my mum away a lot. However sometimes I do need alone time and basically I have found no tactful way really to say it. You have have to be blunt!
The fact that you have conflicting sleep schedules sounds like a great excuse for this conversation and it should not sound unreasonable at all.
No way would I want to stay in my boyfriends room every night, I think I would end up killing him confined just to the room! Also there is a policy that overnight people have to pay a cost and the landlord must know. Is there no policy like this at yours that you can milk for a tactful excuse?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 You got to tell her that there is too little space for her to stay a week at a time. If shes moving in (which she basically has) then you sjould rent a bigger place and both chip in on rent. You got to tell her its too crowded like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2015):
 There is NO way to tell her with without her getting upset or get her feelings hurt. But if this keep going on, you will start to resent her for having NO considerations. She IS being inconsiderate.
IT IS easy her her to say, if the situation were reversed, she'd let you stay as long as you like.. Because as things stand, SHE can't.. She lives with her parents.
I don't see the point in her showing up after work if YOU are sleeping. Because it means YOU have to wake up to let her in so SHE can go to sleep in YOUR bed.
I think you WILL HAVE to "man up" and be blunt.
Maybe tell her you need more sleep, and that with HER staying over and up till 3-4 am is making a good nights sleep a little to hard. And that AFFECTS your work performance and your mood.
Tell her I LOVE having you around, but you ALSO NEED some downtime, you feel crowded. It's JUST one little room and at some point YOU need a little time and space to yourself to recharge after work.
Maybe find a compromise that can work for you both - like her staying over Fri-Mon but during the WORK week - you can hang out if your schedules permit.
When my first BF and I moved on together (apartment though) there were days I'd visit my parents, friends or stay at my parents vacation house for the week-ends JUST to get a little "me-time". And even now after 19 years together with my husband, I DO enjoy the hours were hubby and kids are not home. Sure I got things to do, but... I can also do this (answer questions on DC) sit in my favorite chair and cry over some movie or book ALL by myself.
For HER being with you 24/7 would be NO problem, but YOU need a little space. She NEEDS to accept that while you may be a great couple, you are NOT clones. You have your own personalities.
Now you say you rent a room, so the person you room with is OK with her practically living there?
...............................
|
