A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid..First thing is, how do I tell my mum that I dont have a boyfriend.. I'm turning 18 very soon and I have never had a boyfriend before (many people find that strange, and some find it hard to believe) anyway, my friend came over today and we were on facebook talking about some guy from college and my mum started listening to our conversation. Once my friend left, she asked me if I had a boyfriend and obviously I said no.Then about an hour later my mum went out and sent me a long text about how boyfriends can distract me from my work, there is an expense to keep them, she worries about me and my health etc, which I already know. The thing i was shocked about though was when she said 'No black boyfriends, no matter what happens'. My mum is not orthodox and she is slightly traditional and she has always told me that 'Love is love, and you can't change it'.. So i was extremely shocked by what she said, as you can tell I am not black but I am attracted to black males more than other races. I have a very open mind and I do have a preference in guys and that happens to be dark skinned males. Now, even though I have not had a boyfriend yet, I have "seen" people, gotten to know them, and see how it works out but things didn't really work out and we didn't end up going out, but thats a long story so I won't start on that..However, the two guys that I did "see" were black and so I am quite cautious that maybe my mum won't accept me going out with one if I ever do.Also, I tend to only have black friends (both girls and boys) and only one or two which are my own race. Which may add to her suspicions, but either way I think I need to talk to my mum because she doesn't believe that i'm single and she thinks im hiding something from her ever since my friend came over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers and I am grateful for all of your help. My mother is not a racist, I know this because she has black friends and was born in East Africa (Kenya) and was brought up there. Also, I have black friends and she accepts them all.
I questioned her about this and told her that my friends are black so why does race become an issue when a relationship is involved and she told me that she prefers for me to have a boyfriend of my own race because that's the way her mind is set and it's the way she has been brought up. She has a very traditional way of thinking but when I do get a boyfriend and if she doesn't accept his race then I will sit her down and talk to her..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): tell your mum that you have a right to date anyone you want, and that she will have to accept it, and if she really loves you, she will accept it and want you to be happy. and also, tell her that she is a racist and it's wrong to be racist or prejudiced about anyone, and that being racist is as bad as being against someone who has a disability , for example. and tell her that all human beings are equal. we are all flesh and blood, and all have emotions.also, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you havent had a boyfriend yet. everyone gets into a relationship at different ages. there is no " right " age to have a boyfriend, and it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. you just havent met the right guy yet, and those guys havent met the right girl yet. it takes time. or, is it just your mum being racist that's the issue here ?.
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A
female
reader, MadAboutHim123  +, writes (5 July 2010):
Just sit her down and tell her the truth. I think that's the best thing to do.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (5 July 2010):
 just have a talk and be like "hey mom, just to let you know I am not dating anyone, I know you might be curious." or just tell her some other way.About the race thing, sounds like your mom is racist, no offense intended...just stating what it seems like, and if you end up dating a black guy then she'll have to get over it because its not fair that your love life must suffer because she won't see pass skin color.
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A
male
reader, GabeP +, writes (5 July 2010):
It sounds like you have two questions. The first is the one you explicitly ask: how do you tell her you are single? This is really easy: you tell her and she'll either believe you or not. Just tell the truth and she's going to believe what she'll believe.
The second question is a lot harder. It seems like you're asking how to handle your mom's apparent dislike of blacks. The first thing that comes to mind is that it's not at all unheard of to mostly have friends/romantic partners of a different race. But it is unusual and you might ask yourself how your mom has reacted to all your black friends, school chums, etc. You might also ask yourself why this is the case. You like who you like, but it might be interesting for you to think a bit more about why you ended up in predominantly black social circles. This would be especially interesting if you're a majority racial group member and blacks are a minority in your community, as seems likely.
I would start by asking your mom a little more about why no black guys. Is she just flat out prejudiced? Is she concerned about the significantly higher STD rates in black communities? Does she think black guys won't make good fathers? You've got to tease out her feelings on this matter more clearly before you can know how to handle bringing a black guy home. If she just hates blacks, there isn't much you can do. But if she's, say, worried about STDs, the right kind of black guy wouldn't even be an issue. The problem with discussing interracial dating is that there are so many facts mixed with wild speculation that it becomes nearly impossible to discuss it in a reasonable way.
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