A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:I understand that no-one is perfect, but I have experienced so much bullying in my life that I am starting to lose trust in people. Wherever I go, I am being targeted by bullies for no reason. I don't know if it has anything to do with my Asperger's Syndrome but I honestly feel like retaliating.I am scared that one day, I could lash out as an act of revenge and hurt someone. What should I do?Should I just ignore these kind of people, or stand up to them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): Bruce, I too have Asperger's mildly, although I was never bullied at school, as I was always big and strong and still am, the irony is, I had to wait till I was an adult to start getting pushed around. I get coerced by people in authority. Being the way we are means that we are often kinder to people than most other people are and don't wan't to cause a fuss. Some people see this as weakness, they think the only reason that somebody is nice and polite to others is if they haven't the strength to stand up for themselves. If they are in a position in which you need their co-operation they will use that. Remember what the Roman philosopher Seneca said "All cruelty springs from weakness." It is because of their own flaws that they seek to coerce and bully you. Sometimes, because they are neuro-typical, they can't see things our way, they may think we're being difficult, as they can't understand why we don't react like most people do. They want you to react a certain way, when you don't, it undermines their self-esteem so they start to resort to force to make you 'toe the line.' In my experience people on the autistic spectrum have a much more accute sense of what is right and wrong and have no tolerance for injustice. This is why you are finding yourself the victim of these people, they can't understand you, to them you look stubborn, as you resist yielding to their coersion and yet you dont actively use that strength on others. You could become very frustrated, the world has an awful lot of these rather shallow and not very nice people in it unfortunately. I don't know about you, but sometimes I don't realise I'm being coerced for quite a while. The first step is to label a bully in your head as soon as you identify the behaviour, then restrict your speech to them to one or two word answers, or "mmm, uh-huh," etc, which betray signs that you're thinking "Oh god, not another of these tiresome neuro-typical bullies that thinks they can do as they please." Look them in the eye without speaking, they know they're doing wrong so no matter what you are actually thinking, they think you will be plotting against them. They know what scares them most, it is that they will believe you have in store for them, they feel on some level as if you might think they deserve it. Of course it's all in their head. If they haven't bullied you they have nothing to worry about, but if they have, they'll punish themselves. If they start to try to bully you more, let them catch you more often looking at them blankly, don't be aggressive in anyway, that will fail, it must be left to their own imaginations, that way the punishment shall fit the crime, both delivered by themselves! If someone asks why you keep looking at someone, say you were lost in deep thought and were unaware of where or upon what your gaze fell. The bully will snap before you do, you're only mentally defending yourself, they know they're guilty. Never ever threaten in any way or lose your cool, let the pressure of their guilt slowly build up in them. If s/he loses his/her cool with you, then people will start to watch their behaviour more. If they catch you looking at them slowly look away knowing that they are bothered, but don't look pleased, stay blank, give nothing away, then they know nothing. If they try to smile, give a half-forced, not genuine, slight smile back (not with your eyes, no sarcasm, blank, remember you don't like this person and this is your chance to actively let them know it,) then look away as before. They may try to patch things up with you, if they do, fine there's an end to it. Don't be too nice to them after that though, they can't help falling into that pattern of behaviour, they are weak, which is why they did it in the first place, they don't think much of themselves so they can't think much of anyone who they think they can get the better of. I do hope this helps I had a female boss at work begging me not to look at her blankly and "Shut me out like that," again, I only did it once, by accident when she was yelling at me over a misunderstanding, which she later apologised for." I actually just didn't know what to say at the time. She was very eager to make it up. I have a case of it at the moment with a woman whose job it is to actually assist me! I'm going to tell her to talk to my solicitor as I have evidence of her actions, she could lose her job, hopefully that'll calm her down, I don't see her everyday, and it's a different relationship, hence the different approach. Never let them get you down Bruce. You'd probably never bully anyone, and would only behave negatively as a reaction to negative behaviour. Hope that helps, take it easy. Your fellow Aspie, A.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): When I was younger, I was constantly bullied.
day in, day out- I was weak, too... my only way to get any retribution was to hide in the shadows and play pranks on the guys that would call me names, beat me up, you name it.
This seemed fine for a while... a series of traumatic events changed my outlook on life, I became more secure with who I was with the aid of a few close friends until fate took one away from me in a very brutal way.
When her death was mocked and 'playfully' blamed on me, I lashed out- all that bottled up rage broke open all over the gawker's face. When I regained consciousness, I was sitting by a tree with everyone who was watching staring at me. That bully was face down with a splatter of blood starting to pool.
Naturally, this horrified me, but this was the last day I ever let anyone push me around.
With my brother's help, I took up martial arts and meditation.
I learned how to control my anger and to release it calmly into the wind. I also learned how to defend myself if the need ever arose, which it did.
The main factor is to understand that though you should not harm others if it can be avoided, you have a right to defend yourself.
I was fortunate enough to have teachers that taught me techniques that neutralized my opponents rather than deal them bodily harm. Though I don't follow any particular style, I've learned a little bit of everything from many different arts.
For a typical bully problem, I would highly recommend Akido which revolves around neutralization rather than bodily harm.
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reader, bruce lee +, writes (7 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, there was a bully at school in Year 10 who I got into a fight with. I beat him up pretty bad, and I was suspened for a day.
What did I learn from that? That God should have come to my rescue but he didn't. I had to fight the enemy alone.
I think life is like a jigsaw puzzle. And it's my job to solve the pieces. Have you solved any pieces of the puzzle, Lonely Two?
What do you think is the most important piece of the jigsaw puzzle to solve?
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reader, bruce lee +, writes (6 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question The thing about bullies is they are like the Devil. They have convinced the world that they do not exist, or that they don't cause harm. But they do. I hate them. They destroy people's lives.
Keating always said, "I don't believe in God. But I'm afraid of him."
Well, I believe in God. And the only thing that scares me is bullies.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. What is the point of all this?
The point is bullies are evil. And I wish they would all go to hell.
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female
reader, ChristineAvril  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 I was a teacher a few years back and had a lad in one of my classes with Asperger's. He was being bullied too, because he was different. Typical, isn't it.
Trouble was, I could never catch the sly devils who were doing it, so I had CCTV installed, and once they had got used to it, they ignored it - so I caught them!
The ringleader was expelled.
Also, this lad had a speciality; a great interest in steam trains. As it happens, I had a slide collection of a Cavalcade of restored steam engines from an event I went to years before, commemorating 150 years of steam trains, so in one tutorial I showed them to his class, and he gave chapter and verse on every locomotive - year of manufacture, all technical details and its present location, etc. Everything.
He felt so proud of himself, and his status in the class rose immensely, especially with the leading bully gone.
Sorry to be so long-winded, but the point I'm trying to make is that rather than a violent approach, maybe you could show any special skills and/or talents that you have?
I know that is is symptomatic of your condition that you are likely to have in-depth specialised knowledge, along with, unfortunately, reduced social skills.
Maybe demonstrating your knowledge and ability in your specialism could help develop the latter?
I hope things improve for you, Bruce.
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reader, JohnnyBgood  +, writes (6 May 2010):
Don't worry about that. I have the La tourette's Syndrome, and I got bullyed a lot of times, but it only happened because I wanted to have some friends and I started doing whatever they wanted. I was like a toy for them. And one day,I realized that the only way to get friends is to be myself, and not the person they want me to be. And now, here am I. Everybody knows who I am, I hang out with everyone. Just be yourself and don't be afraid to tell people:" Hey I have Asperger's Syndrome. Now what? I feel good with it, and I feel good with myself."
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reader, bruce lee +, writes (6 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLook, I don't want to talk about it anymore. It is late now in Australia, and I have to go to sleep. Take care all of you, and God bless.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 Bruce, thank you for the follow up. I want to point something out to you. You have posted questions wondering why women seem to avoid you. I have to tell you that if you have pulled a knife on a relative because they had been annoying you, then you have a reputation for being erratic and possibly violent. That was a very severe thing you did with a knife. Most women would avoid contact with someone who threatens someone's life in that way.
I realize that it might be traumatic to discuss it, but I want to understand how that relative had been annoying you. Sometimes my relatives annoy me too, but I don't pull knives on them. I ignore them or tell them what it is that is annoying me about their behavior or words.
People cannot tell what you are thinking by looking at you. You have to have the skills and the words to tell them what you are thinking, what is bothering you and tell them what you need them to stop doing that is so hurtful to you.
If people are frightened of you, they will definitely avoid you, this will make you feel very socially isolated. So please explain this particular incident to us.
Thank you.
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reader, PixiLaTed  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 OMG I just assumed you were a woman and didn't even LOOK at your gender! Blind one o.O
hopefully u can still pull something out of my advice lol ;)
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reader, PixiLaTed +, writes (6 May 2010):
I think the one thing that will help is if you realise that people, in general, are nasty things. Just bear with me, because I know that sounds awful! But imagine you are whoever you think WOULDN'T be bullied? Maybe someone more outgoing, slimmer, prettier? Well let me tell you, people are just as unkind to this person too. They talk about her, they say ugly things, they judge her.
This may sound like twisted advice, but if you keep in mind that all people are nasty to all people (and don't take it personally and hold it against them) then it can give u a great inner strength. If you don't care about someone or have an opinion of them, then their opinion of you shouldn't even hazard a thought. Be strong, love being different! You've only got one fantastic life of you own and no one's stupid opinion of you matters! Develop a talent to up your confidence too, like writing some poems or making websites or doing a crossword in 60 seconds flat ;)
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reader, bruce lee +, writes (6 May 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question There are many different degrees of bullying. Sometimes, it is more serious than other times. But bullies always have friends with them because they are cowards. They don't have the guts to bully people when they are by themselves. They are like wolves. They hunt in packs.
They use sarcasm a lot.
I don't want to talk about any examples because it is too traumatic to relive the experiences. But thanks for your help. I will go away and think about it for a while.
Unfortunately, I agree with fatherly advice. You have to use physical violence is some situations. But I think that should be a last resort.
The problem is sometimes it's family members who bully me. They know they are hurting me but they don't care. I once threatened one of them with a knife because they had been annoying me for months.
I realise that is the wrong thing to do but bullies drive people mad. And the police legally aren't always allowed to intervene. They say that it's a difficult situation for them to get involved in.
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reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 May 2010):
 The usual advice for bullying is to stand up to them. I know that we are taught to be kind and control our temper. Those attitudes are right in a normal situation. Bullying is an abnormal situation. It can't be treated using a normal approach.
Like you the Bully does not perceive the world in a normal way. He or she sees the people in his/her world only as targets to be exploited, or masters to be placated. In order to move from one category to the other all you have to do is refuse to be used. Usually standing up to a bully once does the trick. Sometimes physical violence is required.
I want you to understand that this is not revenge. Revenge is cold and soul cankering. This is self assertion and self protection. Like putting on a helmet to ride a bike, and no more emotion involved.
Bruce, because of your difficulty, you are erring on the safe side, to protect others. That is good of you. You will have to be cautious in how much you respond to a bully. You only need to apply enough force to move yourself out of the target category.
FA
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 May 2010):
Could you tell us about the bullying? Give us a couple of instances. Perhaps there's a way to deal with it that we could figure out for you.
https://health.google.com/health/ref/Asperger+syndrome
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Articles/What-is-Asperger-Syndrome-.aspx
Those links are for people who might want to understand the syndrome a little better. One thing I saw in this is that what you are experiencing is common in people with Asperger syndrome, so you aren't alone.
One thought for you is to have a prepared statement to say to someone you think is bullying you. "Dude, you may not realize it, but you are bullying someone with "Asperger's, which makes you totally lame." Or "I may have Asperger's which makes me different but you have no excuse for being a jerk."
Take care, Bruce!
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reader, - katrina ? +, writes (6 May 2010):
 hi, what did you mean no-one is purfect? love, everybody is purfect in thier own individual way! me, you all of us. my heart goes out to you that your being bullied ive been through that and its not nice at all. i know you probably wont want to, but the best thing to do is report the bullying if you dont it will never stop! people shouldnt be able to get away with it. dont lose trust in the people you care about or new friends you meet, if you cant trust them you will never have a proper relationship with them. honey, i think you need to have confidence in yourself.. if you believe your beautiful, the whole world will. dont ignore them or stand upto them, just report them love.. it needs sorting. Good Luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): I certaintly don't think you are the only person to feel this way. I was bullied to the point that I had to change schools when I was younger. Now I often feel like I have a hard time making and keeping friends and I think it is because I was bullied to the point where I am suspisious of people; when people are nice to me I find myself wondering why. Maybe we are stuck in a cycle. Certainly lashing out violently would never be a good thing to do. But if you feel as sticking up for yourself will make it better than go for it. If they don't stop their nastiness then maybe u should ignore it. Whatever makes your life the easiest. But know in your heart that whatever you do, it is not your fault! They are the scum not you. Feel better soon Xo
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