A
male
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*azzerg
writes:Ok guys and gals, Im really counting on you for this one. Sorry for length. The situation is this:I started chatting to a girl about 6 months ago online, at the time that fell apart and a relative died. I helped her through this and we became close; she invited me to meet around Novemeber time and various reasons would crop up why she couldnt. I am the type who gets involved too easily because I am looking for love. I am very insecure and have a hell of a hard time dealing with rejection basically cause i felt rejected as a child (broken home, alcoholic mother and the big thing was she tried to committ suicide.).I have also been messed around alot (been cheated on and stuff). I recognise that I can be very demanding on people. Anyhows....she knows this. Her now ex was very abusive to her as was the one previous (her first love) and at the time she didnt feel able committ. I did feel a little screwed with though because she would say i could come and visit when she was out on the lash (although i couldnt cause we live a distance apart). She is insecure about her apparence and I have done everything I can to reassure her. Anyhows various pressures pulled us apart. In the interim I slept with somebody else and had a 'relationship' i now recognise as a mistake. She didnt see anybody. We started talking again and to be totally fair to her she has always been there for me. There was some confusion as to if we were back where we were, this caused tension and last weekend she slept with somebody else. Something she regrets too. Last Sunday she ended up in tears round her first exs. He had asked to meet and I had got scared again, because she admitted she didnt know how it would end as they have ended up in bed before. When we talked later, said she 'wanted to be with me' and i was walking on sunshine. However today comes and she invited her male friend round for drinks and vids. My insecurities have been plauging me all nite, and i have try not to let them show and she has let me ring a couple of times. I guess I am insecure cause I know he is always asking her out, when I sent her flowers he tried to claim he had sent them. Anyways I have got very upset and overwrought, he is staying in her bed but fully clothed (she is wearing nightie) but I cant shake the fear something will happen. I poured my heart out but to the point now where I think I have annoyed her. Earlier she slammed the phone down when I got jealous. I understand that she has had problems with overbearing and forceful men before but I am genuinely not like that; I just need alot of reassurence sometimes. She said she got scared and I said I would never hurt her cause I cared for her too much but she just says ''would I be on the phone right now if i was doing it'? which is true but not enough for me. I really do care and do feel I can use the 'l' word else I wouldnt be here trying to get help. I just dont want our insecurities to ruin the relationship (we are due to meet end of may)....any advice??
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (23 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hiya Softie and Carebare,
Thanks for your replies. I have stopped torturing myself over this to be honest, enough people have told me that im not wrong to be hurt and jealous for me to know im not overreacting. She told me he did try it on but nothing happened, except they stroked each other on arms and legs. He wanted it to go further but she didnt so i have to beleive her.
We are talking ok now, shes saying alot of confusing things about missing her first ex and wanting space and i am trying to keep calm about it and am doing ok so far...
A
female
reader, Softie +, writes (23 April 2006):
 Hi Dazzerg,
I think most of what I want to say are already in everyone's posts. However, I do think it's wrong that she pokes at your wound this way. Your trust and love for her shouldn't be tested this way.
I agree with Irish49 that you need to go slow and go into her world. She should feel less insecure once she can see and feel your love for her.
I wish you all the best.
Softie
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (22 April 2006):
 Dear Dazzerg
I have been following your problem on forum as I am getting hooked on this as well lol and i got to agree with Irish as the only other thing I would add is you are mature man maybe you should only tlk to folk on msn but if you are looking for love join clubs ect so you can meet likeminded people and then you will know if you will hit it off I am not mocking msn or things like that but you seem sensitive and sound like a really nice guy who really does'nt need this girls hang-up about herself and all her problems again I don't mean to sound harsh but think about this do you need it bye the way is this the same girl you spoke about in the forum about the b/f threatning you and her posting she was getting married i seem to be losing the plot lol
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Irish,
I agree with alot of what you have said and recognise that it is something I need to do; it is baggage that we both carry and the thing is the baggage is different baggage and we are both in our own different ways letting it control us.
I have to say her baggage pertains to meeting - insecurity about her appearence - shes scared I wont fancy her and this has caused some problems. A good example of the ways we badly mesh, not meeting is increaseing my insecurities,meeting is one of hers. I am investing alot, too much I agree and yes I am desperate to connect with her. I feel i did in some way before and that evolved through time and when i stopped helping her out we did start to connect on other levels too, talking chit-chat and deeper. Thanks :)
Hiya Willy,
I agree to a degree. When I talked to her first ex he told me to ring her as she would not come to me under any circumstances. I think the thing might be to leave it till say monday and then email her. Her first ex told me to fight for her because shes worth it although it has to be said he was the one the one that scarred her the most. Indeed her lack of giving with me may well come down to this,she gave him everything and she spurned it. What is making it hard for me is I want to try and help her heal but it is neigh on impossible when she behaves so, and opens up new wounds on me.
I dont know how to wrestle the darker side of her psyche while not getting hurt lol. I know for a fact I would be more use if we were less involved. Its a hard place because if i invest less im unlikely to have the impact, I wont reassure her enough and things like that but the more involved I am the more i get hurt. Sometimes I feel genuinely though that loving her brings the worst out in her, part of her responds and part of her fights and hurts me.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Irish,
I agree with alot of what you have said and recognise that it is something I need to do; it is baggage that we both carry and the thing is the baggage is different baggage and we are both in our own different ways letting it control us.
I have to say her baggage pertains to meeting - insecurity about her appearence - shes scared I wont fancy her and this has caused some problems. A good example of the ways we badly mesh, not meeting is increaseing my insecurities,meeting is one of hers. I am investing alot, too much I agree and yes I am desperate to connect with her. I feel i did in some way before and that evolved through time and when i stopped helping her out we did start to connect on other levels too, talking chit-chat and deeper. Thanks :)
Hiya Willy,
I agree to a degree. When I talked to her first ex he told me to ring her as she would not come to me under any circumstances. I think the thing might be to leave it till say monday and then email her. Her first ex told me to fight for her because shes worth it although it has to be said he was the one the one that scarred her the most. Indeed her lack of giving with me may well come down to this,she gave him everything and she spurned it. What is making it hard for me is I want to try and help her heal but it is neigh on impossible when she behaves so, and opens up new wounds on me.
I dont know how to wrestle the darker side of her psyche while not getting hurt lol. I know for a fact I would be more use if we were less involved. Its a hard place because if i invest less im unlikely to have the impact, I wont reassure her enough and things like that but the more involved I am the more i get hurt. Sometimes I feel genuinely though that loving her brings the worst out in her, part of her responds and part of her fights and hurts me.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 April 2006):
 Isn't life complicated? Dont ever be harsh on yourself for having feelings and/or being insecure, especially when in a strange postion like this! I do feel you are being perfectly normal tho about feeling threatened by this behaviour, maybe because I would!! I am not a particularly jealous person ( altho I have been in the past, but my reactions have got less strong and I understand the psychology of behaviour now a bit more as I have got older lol) but if I was in this circumstance I would flip my lid.
I suggest ( may not be the right thing) backing off altogether and letting her come to you. I know people say fight for your relationship and all that, but maybe if she realised you will not tolerate this then she will come to you more.....this is hard to put into words mate, sorry.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): Hey Dazzerg, Just some comments..I may be off in my assessment here, but just take what you want from it. I always say the one reason so many people suffer with insecurities in life and relationships, is a direct result of allowing their fears grip them and staying loyal to past 'baggage' (re: family dysfunction, pain, hurt, bad exes, crappy relationships etc). All this 'stuff' no longer serves them. We've all been there and so many of us, permit that BS to control our thoughts and mold our future happiness. What is the most painful part of all this, is some of us hang on to this 'stuff; and we have an a stubborn, unwillingness to grow beyond that. Because, when one is not satisfied, fearful, frustrated, insecure, it's very hard to see things differently and make new choices and take new actions. You do have a choice between "fear and freedom", Dazzerg. But it takes a total change of perspective and attitude, that allows us the freedom to move forward, in a happy, secure way.
What you need to do with this new gf, is to go slow. You sound desperate to connect with her so take your time. You two basically have an online/phone relationship. Talk is cheap, dear...you have to go into her world, meet her friends, her family and get down to the 'crux' of who she really is. And only then, you make a clear, sensible assessment as to deciding if she's the one for you. She should be doing the same for you. You appear to be investing way too much of your heart and soul into this "what-if" potential relationship. I say potential because you haven't met her, yet. So get some real perspective here. You are placing way too many expectations on this relationship that is not 'real' and that is what the problem is, Dazzerg-you are allowing your feelings and your self-esteem to be self-destructing, as a result. That's a hell of a big price to pay to some girl, you have not even met yet. Why don't you just relax and simply learn to enjoy her friendship. And just calmly and intuitively allow life to unfold and put no pressure on or her. And ease it up on yourself, too. The reward of doing all this is: Balance. You will feel stable and centered, no matter what happens and you will also be open to many wonderful surprises...and the pleasure of getting to know her in small steps and with grace and ease.
So I recommend you "Meet her first" and then draw your conclusions. Secondly, get rid of the 'fear' because it's blocking your own feelings of :self-acceptance, self-love and self-approval, Fear teaches us that one doesn't deserve contentment, happiness.. It sort of "whispers' in your ear, that no one could ever love the real you. But we know better. So get a grip on that fear and the whole world of real, love will open up for you. That will be the only way to finding happiness with this girl. Good luck and I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Willy,
He's just a friend. The thing with her first ex was pretty much resolved when we talked on MSN (me and him), I said if it would make her happy I would be happy for them both since despite what he did he is genuinely remorseful and there is still real feeling there, not something I would stand in the way of.
Yes she did, in neither instance was it to the best of my knowledge her fault although in the second case she did, on occassion provoke his psychotic behaviour in a way after they split (unblocking him on MSN to mock his new gf for example) but she did nothing to deserve it in either instance. To be honest so many times I feel like I am paying the price for what they did and that I am a conveinent repository of her blows back in a way. I know my insecurities are hang-overs from the past and in that sense I take the past out on her too.
To give you an insight, she accuses me of 'forcing' guilt on her when I am upset, which I honestly am not, i just get like that sometimes. Update is she left MSN (after barely talking) saying 'going to have sleep, have a good weekend, talk soon' so go figure on that lol.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 April 2006):
Hey there dazz
You really are ahving a tough time of it, and I honestly feel for you. I always feel like I am being a little harsh sometimes in judging peoples' situations from what they say, as you know there are always two sides to every story. Is this male friend just a friend or an ex? Sorry if that has been answered and I may have missed it.
I have male friends, but I would not test my husband or previous ex bf's like this. I would not sleep with them fully clothed or not! Also, you say she has had more than one bf in the past who has been bullying/abusive. Did your gf tell you this? Maybe this sort of behaviour provokes them to act the way you ahve and just maybe she sees this perfectly natural reaction as abusive or what ever.
I hope this works out. You are in a difficult situation and I don't envy you in the slightest.
xxx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Bridget,
Yes she is very insecure. Shes not really talked to me on MSN at all today to be honest. I guess we will find out in May??
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A
female
reader, bridget +, writes (22 April 2006):
 Hey dazzerg..
First of all, You should congratulate yourself on admitting to your downfalls and trying to get rid of them... Theres not alot like you around..
I think that this girl just likes the attention she is recieving from you and this other guy.. She is pleased that you get jealous as it shows her that you genuinely do care about her and she is also pleased that this other guy is taking interest in her as it shows her she has something to fall back on.. My guess is that she is just as insecure as you are..
My advice to you though would be to leave her and let her think for the time being, at one point she will just have to choose... What she is doing is unfair to you as well as the other guy... I think that you should ask her if she would be interested in carrying the relationship with you any further and then make your decision from there..
Dont let this girl do this to you, it is unfair with all you have been through, I can understand that your problems alone were hard enough to deal with..
I hope you get somewhere soon..
Best Wishes Dazzerg
Jacqueline
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify; the reaction provocation usually gets is a sprial of depression and self-loathing on my part lol, update is we are talking, just chatting but shes obviously angry.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Prunella :),
We have exchanged harsh words verbally in the past but I would never but ever dream of hurting physically or else abusing her in any way. I have said some hurtful things (like called her a user) which I regret very much but it was only in the flush of anger. I have never used her apperence against her like others have and nor would I, i stick to feelings when I am angry (if i call her a user its cause im feeling used). I see what you are saying; I worry she mistakes my insecurities which are by my own admission bad and sometimes overweening for a desire to force her which I geneuinely dont have.
To be honest its often 6 of one half a dozen of the other with both of us. I am worried all this will ruin what could be a wonderful and loving relationship. I think the core problem is that the way our seperate 'issues' grate off of each other, provocation is likely to get some sort of reaction from me because I have my own scars.
I do try to be supporitive and loving but sometimes even that makes her feel bad; sometimes when I am afraid but trying to conceal with it I overcompensate with affection. Thanks foryour advice, its hard to talk to my friends cause to be honest they dont like her. They are only trying to look out for me though I guess. Thanks again :)
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A
female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (22 April 2006):
 Finally found your question!
This is a hard one Dazzer, I understand your insecurities, and how much this situation must worry you, but the fact is, at this stage in your relationship, where you have not yet met in person even though you have obviously been in close contact for a good while, there is really not much you can do to change the situation one way or another.
I don't think that you are being a bad or possisive partner, but I do think you are letting your fears prey on you too much, and your fears are affecting the relationship. I know it is hard, but my advice to you would be to try and pretend this is not affecting you too much.
You said you have already let her know that this upsets you, but she has obviously decided this is something she needs to do, even if it hurts you. Women who have been in abusive relationships sometimes get into a habit of provoking a partner in order to get a reaction. I am not saying this is necessarily the case but it is possible she needs to test you (possibly subconciously) to know if you are really as nice as you come across. (and you do come across as a lovely person). If you really want to be with her despite these problems, then be as supportive and as loving as you can, and I am sure she will come round to that fact that you want nothing but happiness for her and yourself.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 April 2006):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya Rj :),
I think its alot to do with not having met and not being near at the moment. As regards the specific friend I'm not sure to be honest. The way he behaved over the flowers doesnt endear him to me as a person. Ive spoken to her first ex on MSN and am over my insecurities about him. Can I ask a womens point of view here, how would they feel if a male somebody who wanted to be with them did the same?? I really dont wanna be a bad/possessive partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): It's hard to let go of your insecurities in just about any situation, especially one as complicated as yours. I was always afraid that my boyfriend would cheat on me with a female friend of ours and I'd always be on him about what they were doing when I wasn't around. I had to ask myself, "Do I really believe he would have sex with her?" And the answer I decided on was no. The question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this other guy really a threat to the relationship I have with this girl?" If you can honestly say no, then put him out of your mind by focusing on you and her exclusively when you talk to her and when you're just alone thinking. If your answer is yes, he is a threat, then you need to talk with this girl and maybe even ask her not to see this other guy anymore if she wants to pursue a relationship with you. I really wish you the best of luck. I know these situations can be really hard to deal with, both on the outside and within. I hope my advice has helped at least a little, and I hope everything works out for the best for you.
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