A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts,How do I stop feeling insecure and jealous? I have a girlfriend who is very friendly and extroverted, she has a lot of friends that are both male and female. We've been together for 3 months but known each other for about 2 years.I get very insecure when she's around other guys because she's pretty and friendly towards them. Im not gonna ask her to stop hanging with her guy friends because it's just part of her personality to be friendly with everyone. I'm the exact opposite and her nature is actually what brought me out of my shell. I can't help but think that some of these guys might have a thing for her.I know she'll turn down any guy that makes a move on her while we're together but just the thought of someone hitting on her makes me uncomfortable. I'm lucky to be in this relationship and I don't want this issue to come in the way of us being together. How do I deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2018): Trust how she feels about you and values in you as her boyfriend.
It is natural to feel some jealousy for your mate. Instinctively you are protective. Sometimes you feel threatened; or don't like other men hitting on her. When the jealousy goes too far, it turns toxic. Deteriorating into an aggressive emotion; becoming territorial, possessive, and controlling. You'll become overwhelmed with insecurity which will sabotage what you have. She will set her own boundaries without your monitoring; because she has chosen someone.
Intervene only in situations when men aggressively approach her or show disrespect. Don't overdo it with what you define as aggressive or flirtatious. Jealousy tends to exaggerate situations and distort the facts.
Insecurity kills relationships. It heightens suspicion, will not allow trust to take hold, and usually turns toxic.
You have to take control of it, before it takes control of you.
If jealousy gets the better of you, your behavior will become so intolerable, you will only be remembered as a nightmare. Someone bad for her. Regardless of how nice things started out. You will drive her away! Not saying you have to put-up with obvious flirting in your presence. You can't tell her what to do. If she doesn't respect your feelings; you would have to withdraw and move on.
You don't force women to behave according to your will. Jealousy will make you try to place restrictions or rules on her actions, appearance, and behavior around others. Even when she hasn't really done anything wrong.
No one can "tell" you how to stop being jealous. It comes from self-control, self-confidence, trust, and maturity. It's home-made from within.
You practice proper restraint and maturity to curb or manage your unruly-impulses; because you want your love to be pure. Untainted by unnecessary or inappropriate emotions. Feelings that might be more appropriately felt towards a piece of property. She may as well be with someone else; if the one she loves doesn't trust her. Don't be a man-boy!
If you feel as lucky as you say, you will do everything you can to preserve it. You will avoid being boyish and stupid over her displaying the very personality-traits that you fell in-love with. The ways she has that changed you for the better. There's something special about you that she sees in you, that made her choose you. Is she mistaken?
I say this a lot. Do not place pretty women up on pedestals. You are young, inexperienced, and she is probably your first true-love. It's hard to believe she chose you!
Was it a good choice?
Do not worship and idolize her beauty. Never place too much value in a woman's appearance, lifting it above her humanity and imperfections. Appearance changes.
You will either elevate her to be a creature of perfection; or objectify and dehumanize her like a trophy, or piece of property.
She is to be loved and respected as a good human-being. Not coveted like a prized-possession. She's imperfect, has flaws, and can make mistakes. You will find yourself placing unrealistic or high-expectations upon her, and hold standards against her that she cannot maintain. Being as outgoing as she is, your jealousy will turn dark. You will begin to see her sweetness and friendly-nature in the wrong light. I've seen this too often; and men like this sometimes become dangerous.
Your youth and inexperience will make you feel you have little or no control over your feelings. They are new to you and overwhelming. It's time to face relationships thinking more like a man, not as a boy. Give her the best of you, and what she deserves for what she has so willingly and lovingly given to you.
Do you love the person, or her looks? Learn the difference.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2018):
 You need to start building up some more confidence in yourself. You have very low self esteem. First you need to realize she wants to be with you, if she didn't she wouldn't be in a relationship with you. Also if she is pretty then you need to accept that other guys might be interested in her, yes it can be difficult but as long as you trust her then don't allow anyone else to make you feel uncomfortable, she picked YOU, nobody else! If she wanted to be with someone else she wouldn't be with you. Start working on your self esteem and confidence. You need to see that you deserve to be happy.
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