A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello all..So I’ll get right to it. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, officially 3 months. I actually met him a year ago at my job. I sold cars and he was a customer of mine but he ended up buying a car from a competitor. But even after he was nice enough to tell me he was gonna buy from somewhere else And that he thought I was too pretty to sell cars, we stayed in touch through Snapchat. Every now and then he’d ask how I was doing and then 6 months later, he asked me on a date and the rest is history.The thing is, a few weeks after I became his official girlfriend, so we had been dating for 2 months when he asked me, I found out he had broken up with his ex a month before we started dating. I also found out he had been with his ex for about 2 years and that she would break up with him for any reason and then change her mind a few days later and want him back.This bothered me because I dated someone once who was in a “on again, off again” relationship with their ex and about 4 months in, they dumped me to go back to her even after promising me over and over again that I was not a rebound. Now mind you, his ex ended up being pregnant which I wasn’t aware of so it’s not the same situation but the point is, it emotionally scarred me and made me feel insecure, and I promised I’d never date anyone again who just got out of a long term relationship again.But by the time I found out, I was already emotionally involved with him. I asked him why he lied about being single for “8 months” and he told me he was afraid I wouldn’t want to date him if I knew how recent it was. And he’s right, I wouldn’t of.He told me his ex tried to get back with him 2 days after she broke up with him, but that he told her he was done and he says they haven’t spoken since then and that she blocked him from all her social media and whatever else after that day. I chose to forgive him for not telling the truth and I haven’t had any problems with him since that day, but every now and then I start to feel insecure about our relationship. He has told me time and time again how much he loves me and that I’m not a rebound. I believe that he does love me, but In the back of my mind, I hear that voice that says “Does he love me more than her?” How do I stop being so insecure about this? He makes me really happy and I don’t want to compare him to the bad experiences I’ve had in the past but the idea of getting my heart broken terrifies me.
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broke up, his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry it took me so long to respond.Well, I actually had an emotional breakdown over this a couple of days ago in front of him. Even though I’ve told him before how I’ve felt, I don’t think I ever fully went in depth about how much it has affected me. We were talking about something else when this topic came up. And I told him exactly how I have felt since he lied and how insecure it has made me.This entire time, I’ve been afraid to be this honest because I didn’t want him to see me as insecure, but I’m glad I finally let it out because he completely understood after explaining how I felt and making him see the situation through my eyes. He held me close and promised me that he loved me and apologized for ever making me doubt him. He told me that he moved on from his last relationship for a reason, and and the love he felt for me did not compare. He said when he broke up with his ex, their relationship had been going downhill for a while and he was able to get over it quickly. He said he knew he could find someone better, and he said he always felt a connection with me from the day we met in the dealership. He told me I didn’t have to worry about his ex, or any other girl and he wished I had told him how bothered I was sooner because he never wants me to feel that way.For the first time, I truly believed him. I don’t know if it makes my doubts just disappear, but I haven’t thought about being a rebound since then. Hearing him say all these things just put my heart at ease.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2018):
 There is no magic wand that you can wave and that fear will go away. Off course it is weird for him his friend going on a date with his ex. It would be strange if he didn't find it weird. He has history with his ex and that is never going to change. You have been with him five months now, that should be long enough to know that you are not the rebound. If you keep asking him this he is going to get fed up and actually start believing you are a rebound. Yes he told a white lie at the start of your relationship but in the big picture it is not a huge deal as everyone has a past before meeting someone new. You really need to learn to live with the fact that he had a relationship shorty before meeting you or else end things because it is not fair on you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. There were 2 answers on here that I think missed what I was talking about.... To just be clear, he is NOT having a baby with his ex. However, my ex had gotten his ex pregnant, which I was unaware of and left me... so I think that might of been a confusion for the aunt that answered first. Also, I’m all about sex, but I don’t think sex will keep a man, and I don’t think sex is the problem because the sex is great.But moving on... I do agree to some degree that maybe I’m the one who isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m unsure. The thing is, I didn’t have any doubts about this guy until I found out he lied about his ex. I feel like when it comes to the “toxic, unhealthy, crazy ex girlfriend” that they’ve spent years with off and on, I just can’t seem to compare. There’s something about that toxic ex girlfriend that is so addicting, I get left behind. Yes, I did have an ex years ago who left me for his pregnant ex gf (again, he kept this a secret from me) but even after that, it seemed like every guy i was interested in after that had JUST gotten out of a unhealthy relationship with their ex. Not exaggerating, literally every one aside from my last boyfriend.And EVERY TIME I met a guy who told me they just got out of a relationship, I immediately hit the breaks. And I’m glad I did that because coincidentally, they all got back together with their ex. Even the ones who promised they were “done” and moved on, the ALL got back together with their ex. The crazy ex gf that they apparently hated, is the one who seems to win. I’m glad I saved myself the trouble.. By the time I found out about my current boyfriend’s lie, I just couldn’t let him go, because I had already loved him, and I felt like he was truly sorry about lying. But since then, I am always asking him if I’m just a rebound and I’m afraid because I feel like I will eventually push him away. Part of me wishes I never found out. I’m always wondering if his ex gf will ever try to contact him again and what will happen. He told me the other night that one of his good friends told him that he had asked his ex gf out on a date and that she said yes. I asked him how it made him feel and said it was “a little weird” but said it didn’t bother him. It just brought more fear into my mind, it’s easy to say your over someone when you don’t see them at all, but I wonder if he’ll get jealous of his friend dating his ex.The bottom line is, I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. I truly love him and I feel like he loves me, I just need to know how to stop being so fearful.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 June 2018):
I've had boyfriends who have lied and cheated on me in the past, but guess what that doesn't mean everyone will! I trust my husband and it wouldn't be fair to judge him on other peoples mistakes.
They always say a person who is insecure will end up being the reason the relationship ends because nobody wants to be with someone who they need to constantly reassure.
If you cannot trust him because of what an ex done then maybe you are simply not ready to be in another relationship yet.
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A
male
reader, sissygurl4fun +, writes (10 June 2018):
 you have two choices. if you fear him leaving you for the ex, guess what you're gonna make happen. your eyes are in the front of your head so why not take the fear of what you can by taking charge and making this guy addicted to you. so his whack-a-doodle ex is no longer part of his thought process.
right now relationships get contexted in fear/ adrenaline...if you don't live by my values its over basically. that is tyranny and probably why 57% of marriages fail. you have to context your relationship with his dopamine.
dopamine is the common denominator in everything man defines addiction. from eating, to sex, gambling, drugs, binge eating and puking one's guts out. dopamine is what we call Love, it is rewarding and from a Universe that has been perfecting it for at least 14 billion years its safe to say Dopamine is God's reward for action GOD/the Universe approves of.
Love and Fear are the only two reasons animals do anything. if you feed a Grizzly bear marshmallows with your lips it will come back until you are out of marshmallows and most probably lips. it is not addicted it is reacting to Dopamine aka GOD saying, "Good Bear, you got a long a$$ nap you have to take...get that dumbasses lips while you're at it"
you have to find his sexual fantasies, is he submissive, a cross dresser and by way of the human population maybe both. I am but he might also be neither but within his sexual fantasies are dopamine rushes so big you will enslave him spiritually.
if he wants to be your cross-dressed sissy maid then research female led relationships, female domination...incidentally females lead and define every species on the planet and the male is on display.
because of the way men are raised they can't espouse these things about themselves freely too often so you may have to start with one of yours. you might bring a pair of silkies to bed and touch him with them whatever it is you cannot eve4r laugh or act disgusted. doing this will be loving him for who he is and you will own his spirit and as long as you keep rolling his ball forward that wont change.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (9 June 2018):
 He is not your ex. Stop expecting the same behaviour from him. Also there is no tie with him ex girlfriend in the form of a baby. He has already told her he is finished with their relationship.
With ANYONE who has had ANY previous relationships, there is always the chance that an ex will pop up and try to get back with them. However, their relationship finished for a reason and, if that reason is still there, then it would be pointless going back to repeat history all over again.
There is also the chance you OR your boyfriend will meet someone new and want to be with THEM. Relationships between humans come with no guarantees. Feelings change. We meet new people. All you can do is live in the present and hope for the best in the future.
There is no point in comparing yourself to his ex and wondering if you loves you "more". He loves you NOW - that is what is important. If you carry on fixating on his previous relationship, you will sabotage your relationship without any help from his ex.
Enjoy what you have. You cannot change the past.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 June 2018):
 He is going to have a new baby and that would be his new full time job. Any time, money and energy spent on you, that's time stolen from the baby. For that fact alone I would not want to date him. Even for married couples, their romance takes a back seat. Showing love to the baby is itself a devotion to the relationship. Regardless of whether he wants to be back with his ex, he energies should be focused on the baby and arranging visitations if they choose to live separately. I am not sure if he loves you. He loves the fact that, through this new relationship, he gets an escape from the incoming responsibility, and the stress of fatherhood. It is okay to feel insecure. My bigger concern would be him having to divide his resources. I would be happier to have a guy without the added load in his life. If you continue with him, you will have an unequal relationship. Right now he will impress you, take you out for dinners. After the baby comes, there also comes the extra expenses.
Being emotionally involved doesn't mean you can't back out again. He tricked you into a relationship by lying. You should be angry and feel justified to end this. Your concern should not be, does he love you more than her? Even if he loves her a little bit, that won't be okay. You shouldn't be okay that when the baby comes, he would ditch you because the baby mama would ask him for any little favor, or money. And she is going to, even if she doesn't need help just to spite you.
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