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How do I stop being needy and clingy? I constantly need reassurances. Any good tips?

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Question - (16 October 2006) 114 Answers - (Newest, 15 September 2014)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

How do I stop being needy and clingy? I am easily hurt and easily disappointed and I constantly need reassurance and unconditional love. I know unconditional love is practically non existent but I need it. If I don't get it I start to feel depressed and empty inside. Like I am not living, my life is just existing. I constantly need to feel loved and appreciated. If the person who is supposed to be loving me slips up for just a second I get disappointed and want to give up on the whole thing. I constantly need it and if a slight moment passes without it I feel neglected. I know that I have unrealistic ideals of what love should be. When it comes to love I am a perfectionist. If even the slightest thing causes it not to be a perfect as I want it to be I end it.

I am insecure. I find it hard to trust people and think that they will let me down. This is because everyone does let me down. But that is only because I am easily hurt and I am overly sensitive and because I have unrealistically high expectations, and a strong need for constant love. I desperately need it. I know what my problem is and why it is happening but I want to know how to fix this problem. How do I stop being needy and clingy? What can I do to help myself? I don’t want to go on like this because if I do I will never be happy in my relationships with people. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I don’t want to be needy and clingy anymore.

View related questions: depressed, insecure, want to be happy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014):

From experience you need to love yourself first, and never give another person the power that you need them in order to be complete. God made us all unique in our own way, if a person can't accept you for who you are don't change for them, change because you feel you need to change to better yourself. I realize men likes a challenge, and they always tell other men anything easy isn't worth having. We need to add strength to a relationship not to be a burden to it. Plus men or woman sense that you need them will only cheat, use and abuse you in every way. Learn to walk away and you'll realize they just might start chasing you and really want to share their love. Appreciate who you are and stop giving someone your all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013):

I am in the same boat.. just recently my boyfriend asked me to give him some space, and I questioned him on if I was being too clingy--to which he replied, "A bit."--and now here I am, on our anniversary, alone and feeling unwanted. I only texted him today to tell him that I loved i, and he replied that he loved me too. It's hard, because I've been so used to talking him on the phone every night.. and now no phone calls.. I don't really know what else to do but keep quiet and try to do other things. :/

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012):

I seem to have the opposite problem. While I have some of the same issues regarding needing reassurance I unfortunately instead of smothering run away.

Not sure how it happens. I will feel hurt because she doesn't or can't express her feelings, does things that bother me but she doesn't think anything is wrong or doesn't have the same desire just to talk or touch base when we are apart.

I know I shouldn't let that bother me but I do which somehow relates to things that happened to my past.

The bad part of all this is I do love her and I know she cares and maybe even loves me too (hard to know). But when I do this she is so hurt and surprised it shocks me.

When I look back I am so surprised that I did this. It wasn't planned. As soon as it came out I regretted it and realized how stupid it was. I never gave her a chance. I just blurted that I didn't want to see her anymore.

This was not the first time which makes it worse. I should have tried talking one more time. Someday I hope to remember how this felt before saying something stupid and ruining the best thing that ever happened to me.

I thought trying to write this might help but right now it is not.

Nothing right now makes up for the fact that I did this and now must live with it. You would think that I would have learned my lesson.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012):

Thank u all for sharing your experiences. Am glad i am not alone. It is my first time being so clingy to my bf for 10 months who is a thousand miles away from me. It is also my first long distance relationship. I've never been this in love. I've never been this happy. One thing that scares me is losing him. Been living independently for 11yrs and i am quite surprised that i've been acting weird now. So needy and clingy. We talk everyday (thanks to our technology) but i am never contented. I want to talk to him all day. If he fails to call me esp on our scheduled chat, i would be really mad to the point of ending the relationship. I am fully aware of my actions but i can't help it. I just love him so much and i dont want to lose him. How can i stop this feeling? I miss my old self...

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A male reader, dg12345 United States +, writes (25 July 2012):

I realize tho that my clinginess was too much. Im definitely to blame for this and I realize the way it's supposed to be. I wonder if im too late tho. If he were to just give me another chance and be the friend he's always been with me he'll see that I've changed and don't need to constantly be reassured of our friendship. The last thing he said to me was that id always be his best friend and he'd always be there for me,, that's awesome and that should have been enough for me to give him his space with his new jobs, girlfriend and family. I feel bad about frustrating him and wish he'd accept my apology and see that I've lost that need to be so attached.

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A male reader, dg12345 United States +, writes (22 July 2012):

Reading your situation... It almost feels like I wrote it. I recently lost my best friend to my clinginess and need to attach. At least I think I lost his friendship. I don't know if this is some way of teaching me a lesson or if he's permanently cut me out of his life. I'm not clingy on purpose and it doesn't mean anything more than just being best friends. For about a year and a half we were practically joined at the hip. Always together... Doing everything. He even lived with me for a while. I've literally spent thousands of dollars on our friendship on vacations, outings, and everything. I've been there for him helping him hide secrets, i always showed up when he needed me regardless of whether i was able to or not, ive never missed a call or not helped him out ever. Never have I ever expected any of this in return. I don't regret spending a dime either. The reassurance part hit me the most because while I always knew he was my best friend I would constantly ask him if I was. Every time he said yes and sometimes was really frustrated that he had to keep answering that question. Every time he assured me it made me the happiest guy in the world. Every now and then hed tell me i was an amazing friend... only right after i did something for him, but still. Out of the blue one day he asked me if everything I did for him was only so we would hang out and be friends. He asked me that before so I didn't think it was a big deal and I said no... It's actually the reverse... I do the things I do for him because we are already friends. I assured him I do a lot for my friends... ALOT. I would go to the end of the world. I don't think he's used to that... His own girlfriend told me that friends never stick around in his life and that im the only one thats stuck around this long. I can see why. Cause I unlike so many look passed his flaws. We all have problems... Mine is my need to be close. He always looked passed it... Until this day. He completely shut me out of his life after giving me this big speech about what a friendship is supposed to be like. He pretty much just kicked me to the curb after everything we had been thru. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery,,, I let him know and he didn't respond. He couldnt careless. The other day I sat at the airport for 6 hours cause nobody wanted to pick me up. Needless to say, he didn't either. I sat there a total wreck because I felt so alone and he always made me feel like I wasn't. He knows everything about me and we always had to work so hard on our friendship. He picked up two jobs at the same time and I'm sure the girlfriend can't stand me cause of all the time he spent with me. I'm hoping there are outside factors involved that he will finally stop listening to. I just wish he'd look back at our friendship remember how tight we were... I just want to talk to my best friend again that's all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012):

You need to love and accept yourself. From my own personal experience, I can say that with absolute certainty. Until your life is in proper alignment, you will continue seeking fulfilment from others. It sucks the life out of a partner and simply isn't fair to them. Introspection is the key. Find what gives your life meaning. It must be a "what" and not a "who"! Maybe it is charity work, or maybe it is racing bicycles or maybe some sort of artistic endeavor. Having a purpose and sense of self fulfilment makes you more worthy of another person's affection too.

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A male reader, jsorenson250 United States +, writes (6 February 2012):

Thank you for all the insight into my life. I spent an hour reading every single post, and in them I was seeing into myself! I have lost friends and relationships because of my clingy nature. I'm seeing a beautiful woman now that I originally dated in high school. She told me last week that I was smothering her. It certainly caught me off-guard, because I truly didn't think that by showing my love for her, I was smothering. I went looking online and came across this Godsend of a forum. Like I said, in it I was seeing myself. Once I started reading, I started thinking back to all my friendships and relationships for the last 4 years, and I realized that I was the one pushing them away, but at the time I felt that they really didn't care for me. I believe it stems from my divorce. My wife of 7 years cheated on me and took my children away from me. Of course, in my state the family court always sides with the mother, regardless of the circumstances. Anyways... the trust that I had was broken, and from then on I was always questioning people's motives regarding me. It's been a long time, but I'm finally starting to see things in a new light. I've come to realize that smothering isn't about love, it's about selfishness, and that has nothing to do with her. I really felt like that if I wasn't around her ALL THE TIME, she didn't truly love me. It's a hard pill to swallow, and it certainly humbles a man to have to admit it. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm constantly resisting the urge to call or text her all the time. Yesterday I didn't call or text her once, and she ended up calling me. Today, she surprised me by showing up at my house. Hopefully I'll get to spend more time with her, but now I understand that we don't have to be up each other's butts all day to show that we love each other. If there's true love, it will happen. It's all in God's Will, not ours.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012):

This is so helpful...I've been like this for quite some times now. I didn't realize that my being needy or clingy made me the most unhappy person in the universe!!! I'm so glad that I came across on this page and people's experiences and suggestions are such an enlightenment! I have read from someone here that deleting his number on the phone and without memorizing it will somehow prevent me from calling and texting him up...and it is really working lol!! after I have realized that I need to get my self back again..the happy, strong willed woman that I am and that my happiness doesn't depend on any man..I was able to clear my thoughts gradually. Every time he will text me i wait like 5 or 10 min before i could reply and I'm getting used to it...he begun wondering what I was doing and I'm loving it! lol! then I will delete immediately so I won't be tempted to check on him when the phone seems silent for hours...(I mean no text or call from him). He treats me now with respect as maybe he has seen once again that I am the strong, independent woman he had fallen in love with! I make sure that He knows I love him so dearly and giving him all the space and privacy he needed and at the same time he knows that my world won't stop in case he will cheat on me because as far as I'm concerned I gave my best shot on the relationship.. with no regret I will be whole as a person even without him in my life...So for us women let's just give our best to our man, give them unconditional love but at the same time let's not let them tear us apart!..in the end it's their lost and for sure they will never forget us!

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A male reader, Samfree Australia +, writes (11 July 2011):

Seriously, i have to thank whoever made this post, and its people who gave answers, also note that there is another alternitive to low self esteem http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/maintaining-healthy-self-esteem this worked for me very well, now my relationship is about to take off where it left off, if your single, because of clingyness, then take the time, to get to be happy with your inner self, take a third person view, before texting him/her ask yourself, what if my best friend were in the same position, what advice would i give them, this changes the behaviour, and instead of saying i cant stop being clingy think of the things in the past, that you said you couldnt do, but you did, and you acheived that, think of those things, then as stupid as it may sound, talk to yourself in the mirror as a third person, tell yourself what to do, and how you can use your past experiences now, then ask yourself, well if i said i couldnt do it, but i wanted to whats to stop me stopping being clingy.

I know all to well its hard to stop, but the first and best step is to love yourself, before you love another, instead of needing another, want to be with another, to share your life with, and for them to share their life with you

Thanks again to this website :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):

I am the person who posted on May 30th about my boyfriend.

You're right about the texting. I decided to give him his space and just let him come to me when he wanted to. I feel that he is trying to sort things out and if I truly love him I should want him to figure out what's best for him. Besides, it's much better to have him initiate conversation with me because he wants to than reply to my advances because he feels obligated.

It took 2 days w/o any contact with him then he started texting me on the third day. I could already see a slight change in his "tone". I let him guide the conversation. He was a little more like his usual caring self. He mostly asked questions about how things are going for me so it showed me he still cares.

By giving him space I am allowing him complete alone time to figure out whatever he needs to figure out. It also helps because instead of "nagging" him I just live my own life w/o needing his reassurance.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):

i have the same problem the best way is too text her onece a week and that if the covos are short just stop and see if she texts that will show if she cares

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011):

Low self esteem and clingy-ness take root in childhood, and like so many emotional quirks within us all, usually have something to do with our parents. Now it's one thing to be aware of that fact,,,,it is an entirely different thing to know what to practically do to change it. Well...unfortunately there is not much we can do to "change" it, we can find ways to "transform" it and be responsible for it. Ever hear the cliche' "the more you try to change, the more you stay the same"? Yeah....it just happens to be true. Old patterns are like carvings in rock. We have spent years developing these habits, reinforcing them, reacting to them....so to think by just "wanting" to stop being needy or clingy is just simply unrealistic. We must first realize why we are clingy, what triggers it, and ultimately make a choice to choose different when it comes up, IN THE MOMENT IT COMES UP. Now it sounds simple in theory, but again,,,we are dealing with habits that are years old, day in and day out being reinforced,,,so though simple in theory, not necessarily simple in practice.

I strongly recommend, to seek out Landmark Education. If you are a person who wants to see yourself from a new perspective and learn PRACTICALLY how to transform yourself and things in your life whether it be a job you dont like, a relationship that is not working, or in this case, low self esteem and undesireable traits, then this education will blow your mind. You will learn what you have been blind to...and believe me, we are all blind to so much about ourselves. If we werent we wouldnt have areas that keep repeating, that year in and year out never change. You want the keys to the kingdom? Then Landmark Education is your golden ticket. You would specifically enroll in the Landmark Forum. They happen in numerous cities/countries around the globe, so chances are, there is one near you. I guarantee you will not be the same person you are now. Though I must warn you, it will definitely be challenging, and you will have to do the work. We all have to do the work. Therapists are fine, but how many life changing AHA moments have any of us had by "talking out" our problems. Not me, thats for sure. I am talking radical change here folks. No kidding. You have to be willing to face yourself,,,all of your SELF...the good, the bad, and the ugly. It can be scary, so you have to want it. But when you think about the alternative,,,,living your life, constantly struggling, creating new strategies to hide what you don't like about yourself, building new habits to try to avoid those undesireable habits ( which is just piling more shit ontop of shit)....well...I'd say walking into the unknown and facing oneself is worth the effort.

Now if you are more of an introverted cat who is more interested in an alternative method to go within to transform yourself, then I recommend to you Vipassana Meditation. The courses are free, and is will without a doubt transform you....however, I also must warn, THIS MAY BE THE HARDEST TEN DAYS OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Life changing, but requires an enormous amount of effort. Ten days of silence, no reading, no writing, no talking. Ten days with your SELF.

The answers are within us. Though so few of us are willing to look inside to find them. We keep thinking there will be some new pill, or therapy that will take it all away. Someone will impart some great wisdom upon us and POOF! We will just wake up one day changed. WRONG. Sorry folks. Without effort, and each one of us must do the work for ourselves, nothing will drastically change. SURE, things may improve, circumstances may become more manageable....but if what you are looking for is RADICAL transformation of self,,,living a life you could only imagine or dream is possible for yourself, waking up extatic to be alive everyday,,,then you must put in the work.

Landmark Education or Vipassana Meditation. Choose your weapon warrior!!!

(Oh, and for the record, both are non-sectarian, so whatever belief or religion you hold near and dear, either would simply be an addition to what you practice.)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011):

I know I am like the thousandth person to say this but I am the same way! I never realized I exhibited needy behavior until about a month ago. I have never been in a relationship that meant much to me. Never been in love. About 8 months ago I met a guy who, from what mutual friends told me, fell head over heels for me right away. It took me a while to have feelings for him (we were just friends for a few weeks even though I knew he was interested in more). The first few months of our relationship were absolutely amazing. I had no clue I could click with someone like we have. The past 2 months have been pretty rough though. He was deployed for about 5 months. We did really well the whole deployment and he took me to his home state to meet his family once he returned. He was always texting me throughout the day and calling every night. It's once he hit his normal work schedule that things started going downhill and I unleashed this clingy, needy monster. I have never had the self-esteem issues that I have recently allowed myself to feel. His schedule has changed a great deal, he is no longer calling/texting me through out the day. In fact we sometimes go a day or two without talking. This drastic change and the fact that i've never cared about anyone this much has made me feel so afraid that I will lose him. I have been paranoid that the reason he is not calling/texting or wanting to hang out as much is because his feelings have changed. I kinda blew up on him for not being as talkative (even though he was working 20 hours days for 2 straight weeks). That caused an issue in the relationship. I think it made him question the type of person I am and, to be honest, it started making me question what type of person I am too. He said that he still cared about me and wanted to make our relationship work but that he was gonna need more space. He also said that something changed in the way he feels and the way he sees our relationship (before he was talking marriage).

Ever since my needy behavior has been getting worse. I should say my needy tendencies are getting worse because I have been trying so hard to prevent the behavior in fear I would push him away even more. On top of him being quite a bit more introverted than I, he works long hours and is always tired. I know that is why he initially stopped being always available and I never questioned my trust for him. But once I started being more and more needy it was like I couldnt accept that as a reason. It's like I wanted him to always make me the first priority, which is not who I am. I have been trying so hard to get over this because I really want this relationship to work but it is hard to battle your own mind. When your head is constantly filled with thoughts of worry and paranoia about a relationship, it's hard to recognize what you're doing to yourself (and the relationship).

I hope everyone else who has told their stories on this forum; those who have suffered from low self esteem and paranoia at the hands of their own needy behavior. I hope we all grow through it and learn to live beyond that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011):

First off, to the needy, clingy woman who's married! Congratulations, your one in a million. You're very lucky to have a guy that likes that. Maybe its because he's more of a man or he's just as needy but doesn't show it.

Anyway, the trick is to act like a guy. Don't be the first one to text.

When you ask him what he's doing and he has plans, tell him, "great because I was going to hang out with _ later. So maybe we can do something tomorrow".

Don't be the one that makes the plans, be the one that agrees with the plans. If he doesn't call you, don't call him.

When he FINALLY calls, pick up and say your busy and you'll call him right back, then call him like half hour to a hour after.

You have to pretend not to care.

I know this is petty but it works on guys from 15-35, depending on how mature they are, trust me. Don't do this if the guy is actually paying attention from the beginning.

Anyway, you have to play hard to get.

DO NOT make yourself too available.

Never change your plans for him. Like if your going to have girls night and he calls, dont get up with him.

Wait 20 mins to text back everytime. Unless your actually in a good relationship.

This is more for girls who have been going with someone for a few weeks.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011):

Wow. I walked onto this website and I could have sworn everyone was talking about me.

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A female reader, pintu99 Angola +, writes (10 May 2011):

When I was reading the question, it felt I was talking to myself. I am exactly the same as you. I have a truly wonderful husband who is loving, caring, kind and passionate. But the moment he slips up even a tiny bit, I am out with the guns. I feel so pathetic about myself. I just can't stop myself from feeling depressed and sad all the time because the standards I have set for our marriage is unbelievably high. I just want to be happy. I deserve it. My husband deserves it. Just wanted to share with everyone..

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A female reader, oceanlover73 Canada +, writes (6 April 2011):

i can't believe how reading this has opened my eyes. first of all i would like to thank all of you for sharing, it's great and let's me know that i am not alone. when i was younger, i became pregnant and had a miscarriage and the guys i dated only wanted one thing - sex. it would never lead to anything and i would feel so hurt. later with a different guy who is a single parent i almost became pregnant again but didn't. i shut myself off and became numb and i didn't want anything to do with guys or having a relationship because i was afraid of getting hurt and dating guys who just wanted sex. i would become so clingy and needy and insecure and be calling guys who wanted to date me way too often. i guess part of it was that i also had high standards and i was very picky about guys who i wanted to date. i am older now and a little bit wiser. i have a wonderful guy in my life who wants to spend time with me and be with me. at first i wasn't sure. he told me that he had feelings for me and at first i thought, 'great, just another guy who is just telling me what he thinks i want to hear, just so he can get laid' lol. then something happened where there was a bit of a misunderstanding and i told him that he was in the dog house for two weeks. it was actually my way of testing him in a way, and he was very persistent, and i would just tell him that i wasn't talking to him. after two weeks, he got down on his knees with a rose in his hand, and i forgave him. he has kids and i think he is either divorced, separated or widowed, i can't remember which one. widowed, i think. he isn't perfect, and neither am i but i still love him. he once became jealous because he thought i was attracted to and spending time with someone else which wasn't true at all. i think he may be a little needy or clingy, although i'm not 100% sure right now. i know that if we haven't seen each other or talked to each other, and we run into each other, he seems eager to talk to me and be with me. currently we hadn't talked to each other for a few weeks and today i told him that i wanted to talk to him on the phone more and spend more time together and he is willing to spend more time together but i don't want to be too needy or clingy with him. he has a job and his kids too.

earlier he told me to call him later if i was bored or tomorrow if i am bored and i have already talked to him twice today and i tried calling him later but no answer, so i will try calling him once more and if no answer, i will call him tomorrow since he has the day off and hopefully we can spend some time together. after reading the posts above, i decided that i am not going to get worried if he doesn't call me back and i am not going to freak out and start calling him a lot and ask him why he didn't call me back or get mad at him for not calling me back. he told me earlier in the day that he just had something to do so he may just be busy with that. i will live one moment at a time, one day at a time and appreciate the wonderful supportive guy i have in my life right now. i also realized that i need to get out more and socialize more with friends by going out for coffee, or a movie or shopping because it is more healthy for me than spending a lot of time at home all of the time. just remember you are not alone and other people have been through what you have been through and try to have a positive attitude and that things always happen for a reason and that everything works out in the end.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011):

I suffer through the same thing and you don't have to worry:)

for me however I always need someone to reassure me that I am doing something right or the rigt thing etc.

With jobs money school etc. The next way I fix my problem is I just let it all out to someone I trust. If you feel insecure you don't have to worry

Confidence is key.

If you don't care what other people think and do what you want to do then you will be fine.

Just breath and vent tonsomeone you trust.

And if they can't handle you then they don't deserve you. Cheesy but true. Stop over thinking things to and just live in the moment kk:)

best of luck in the future.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011):

Being needy is not bad! It's natural.

Don't blame yourself for being needy, being needy is just means that you two were not meant to be together.

If you were meant to be together then your guy wouldn't mind your neediness.

For example, my husband loves me, but I'm more needy than he is and it doesn't bother him at all. I even told him, "I will cling to you my whole life!" and he didn't get upset, but said, "Thank you, baby".

So, all you should love yourself for being needy. It's alright to be needy! And if someone can't handle your neediness, then it simply wasn't meant to be in the first place.

No matter what I do, my relationship with my husband always works out somehow. With some people my relationships don't work out so well, so I just assume it wasn't meant to be and it's not my fault.

Stop blaming yourself for being needy, it's not your fault that someone else doesn't enjoy you the way you are!

For example, the neediest people in the world are children and no one blames them for being needy. It's natural. So, we, as adults, shouldn't blame ourselves for being needy either. We aren't that much different from needy children. We just hide our feelings better and don't get attached as easily anymore. But if once in a while if you meet someone who makes you feel needy and clingy, there is no reason to blame yourself for such feelings, it's natural and if it meant to be then it will work out.

I want to be accepted by my husband even if I'm needy and clingy and he does accept me. I'm needier and clinger than him and it he doesn't get upset at me.

I wouldn't be happy with a guy who would only want me when I behave exactly as he wants me to behave. I want to be loved and accepted even if I'm clingy and needy in his eyes. If it meant to be, then he will love you and accept you when you are needy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011):

I was reading a book about male pathologies. Clinginess can be pathological. As I was reading It dawned on me that I was reading about myself. I realize that I have always needed constant reassurance. I feel completely empty when I am alone as if there is no point to my existance. I try very hard not to be this way, but the needy feelings creep on me I don't see myself as clingy but I definitely am. Clinginess does drive people away.

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A male reader, elquebrado United States +, writes (2 January 2011):

Yes, I am a divorced man and I have felt EXACTLY the way this writer does. Almost word for word.

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A female reader, alfreda999 United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

so here i am, 51 years old, with this self same problem. i was married for 25 years to a sweet man who grew increasingly distant and who eventually told me he had never found me sexually attractive. ouch. i was on my own for 5 years then met a sweet, gentle, reserved man who fell in love with me. it took me a while, but i fell for him, too, and we mooned our way through 18 months of long distance relationship, seeing each other for 4-5 days at a time when one of us flew across the country. every time i didnt hear from him, every time he wasnt there on skype waiting for me, my heart hurt. now, after 18 months and a bit of hinting (!) he has asked if its time to move in together, at my house. he will leave behind is home, his friends, his family, his job to be with me. and am i happy? no. instead, im worried that our relationship isnt strong enough, that he doesnt reassure me enough, that we are doomed to a similar scenario to me and my husband. in other words, that he will withdraw from me. and instead of just enjoying what can be a wonderful time, i am ruining it with fear. when im with him i am wonderful. when i havent seen him for 4 weeks, its like my world is falling apart if i dont hear from him every seven seconds. as one writer said, thinking of it as my problem rather than his is important. but i am drowning here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010):

This site has helped me to realize what I am doing (yet again). I am happy I am not alone, but thought I got it out of my system. I had to do it on my own, my parents were not real understanding, especially when it was something they didn't understand. I always got the "get over it" speech when all I ever needed was someone to listen. I had no one but I had to be as strong as I could, so I would not let me kids down. If you have freinds, consider yourself lucky. They will always be there for you and be supportive, it wasn't till I reconnected with some of the friends I lost contact with from HS that I realized that. Old friends were there like they never left and I even made some new ones, but they were all online not in my neighborhood. ~ Over a year and half ago I ended a 10yr. verbally abusive relationship. After going through the rebound relationship with an old friend from HS I finally got back on my own two feet (this was actually a good thing, he ended up being a great friend). I finally enjoyed having time to myself and with my kids, but because of my X many of the small amount of friends I had where I lived, all but disappeared. Now I found myself very alone, but happy to be out of an abusive relationship. I longed to have friends I could go out with and have someone, anyone to talk to. After several failed friendships I finally found myself again after connecting with old friends from a HS reunion and continuing this connection on facebook. I stubled across a man I graduated with on there and we started talking, which lead to him coming to see me, which lead to me traveling across the state to see him and enjoying him and the social life we were having together with his friends that are now mine. After 6 months I was considering moving there and 9 months into the relationship I did it and moved in with him. The down side began about 2 months after I got here & I could not find employement (I have never been unemployed and left a good job) I got depressed and started to make his life mine. When he left for work I would sit home feeling miserable and my mind went bonkers. I started to obsess about what my b/f may be doing without me cause when I text he doesn't respond (at work, dumb I know)I lost myself. After all the growth I had done up to this point and all the reasons he fell in love with me were slipping away. With so much pressure I started doubting him and everything he was, is doing for me because he cares. I started acusing him of cheating and being with the other women he had dated before me. He has a hard time verbalizing his feelings but he has shown it to me in the things that he has done and I doubted him. I acted needed & clinky and I am pushing him away, which is the last thing I want to do. Like so many others who posted on this site it is the opposite reaction that we are looking for. That person that loves us. After reading all these posts, knowing I am not alone and realizing my behavior I can only hope I get a chance to make it right. I learned to stop planning a future with any man I get into a relationship with and just live and be in the moment. I have everything I could ever want (except a job, but even that is getting ready to change) and I was close to throwing it all away. So thank you to everyone who ever posted on this blog it has helped me to realize just how dumb I have been. How I had changed and how much my b/f is probably hurting cause of my wild imagination turning fact into fiction, he must feel like he has lost, "the woman he thought he had been looking for". That is who I was to him, that is who I still need to be, myself, because that is who he loves and the reason I love him is cause I could always be myself. So I am going to lay this needy, clingy person I have become to rest and keep my fingers crossed; that as I blossom into myself again, he will come back to me. I remember all things happen for a reason and if for some reason this doesn't work out, well I will have me AND THAT MY FRIENDS, Is just grand :D

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010):

I find that needy women (those lacking strength, security and conviction) are never able to point the finger of responsibility at themselves. Nothing is ever their fault, and they are "full of excuses". They are convinced that their dependent/clingy persona is always due to the acts of some other person (most likely a parent).

If in fact there were shortcomings in the child/parent relationship, these shortcomings should have been used to strengthen and bolster the personality, inner spirit and conviction of that person. But, unfortunately, weak, clingy women persist in their exhibition of need for reassurance, and they do not realize they are projecting a repulsive aura. Men truly desire confident women. Dealing with needy women induces an overwhelming "cringe" response in men. Needless to say, the most desirable men run away from relationships with women who exhibit needy tendencies.

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A female reader, Eskim0 New Zealand +, writes (13 October 2010):

This question was posted close to four years ago and it seems that even now in 2010 it is more than relevant.

I, like you, have suddenly realised how clingy I am.

I didn't have parent issues/abandonment issues when it comes to my family life but I did come out of a six year long relationship with a guy with a bitter taste in my mouth.

The break-up kinda took a toll on me as I didn't even realise that there was trouble in paradise before we broke up.

Over a year later now I have moved on with my life and now have a new boyfriend. A couple weeks ago he told me that he thinks he is in love with me. Instead of being overjoyed, I suddenly went into clingy mode. I'm always constantly feeling as if I need reassurance from him that he loves me or thinks that I'm beautiful.

I have to physically stop myself from texting him everyday. We see eachother most days but on days that we don't, I obsess when he doesn't call or text.

I care about this boy a lot and after reading all the above posts I've realised what I really must do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010):

Hi Ms. Writer. Unfortunately I have the same problem as you do. I met a guy a few months ago, and once more I started fantasizing about having a relationship with him where a very strong passion is involved. At this point in my life I already know what's going on, what's wrong with me. I've read some books about self help, to be able to pint point what is it that is keeping me from being happy, and content, from feeling myself complete, balanced, and worthy. I found out that the problem is not coming from outside. It doesn't matter who is Mr. Right Now. I can change names, last names, he can be tall or short, fat or thin, handsome or not. The problem it is not him, it is I, it is within myself.

I found out that this neediness was caused by some events I lived in my childhood and through my whole life.

My parents divorced when I was seven, when he was my charming prince, my whole world. He left home and his daily presence was reduced to weekly visits, and then monthly, and then every once in a while. He didn't know anything about my homework, my classes, my friends. He didn't tell me stories at bet time anymore, nor prepared milkshakes at nights either. He was gone.

Then I was an adult. I started dating, and got married. I was afraid to love and get abandoned again; so unconsciously I chose a guy I knew I wouldn't be able to love. I needed to be in control. The marriage ended, and I met another guy, and guess what, same story. We married and ten years later we divorced. Now I met someone who is four years older than me, is separated and trying to retain something from the divorce. He has two beautiful little girls he loves a lot. He seems perfect and I feel smitten. But he either playing games with me or he's not interested whatsoever. Maybe he perceive my neediness. But my point is that meeting this guy has made me realize that I still have a problem to resolve, and I cannot keep pursuing falling in love when this issue is still here, nagging me.

So, since I'm sharing my story with you, I'm also going to share what I found, and what I'm going to do about it, then you decide if it would work for you or not. My conclusions and plan are:

1. I found out my subconscious was getting the conclusion that if my father didn't take care of me or didn't paid attention to my needs, and was absent from my life for extended periods of time, it should have been because I'm not worthy.

A week ago, I started reading a book a father wrote to his three loving daughters. In this book he gives them all kinds of advices so they'll know how guys think about relationship and women. Then I felt sad, I noticed that the self unworthy feeling I've always had hidden, was out and fully exposed to my consciousness.

I started observing teenagers around me, talking, playing, flirting. Usually I feel that I don't worth as much as they do. But, suddenly I thought about the divorce rate in the country. I don't know the exact number, but it might be high. Then I realized that most or many of those kids, could also be daughters and sons from divorced parents, and I perceive them as they are, actually really valuable and worthy. So what was the difference between them and I? None.

Then, I thought about my father and the book, and I could recall my father giving me the same advices.

So I was all set. I learned at that very moment that there was no difference between their values and worths, and mine.

2. I decided to stay away from that Mr. Right Now. It is better for me to find the missing love from inside out before I can relate myself with a guy. Once I'm able to fully and truly love myself, and have enough love to share, then I would be ready to love as a healthy adult, and not as a wounded child.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010):

I know exactely how you feel! I cant even get a relationship going because the guys usually run away before it can start! haha i need constant reassurance that someone likes me, probably because i feel insecure aswell. I spose thats you though, and you will find someone who understands you. However, you need a more realistic view on a relationship. No relationship is perfect, mother and daughter, brother and sister, best friends. All relationships have their flaws, not just romantic ones. I guess its hard when you this idealistic view of a relationship but you gotta accept there gonna be problems. Find someone who makes you feel special and that you are the only one. I like the imperfections you can get in a relationship,, otherwise, it would just be boring. All this probs wont help much but i hope it helps you just a tiny bit :) xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

Im hoping my story may give inspiartion to some of you. Im currently suffering from a broken-heart and guess what, my part in things was being too clingy and needy. I know it all stems from my father being abusive and leving years ago, i went straight into a nine year reationship with a man who was violent, abusive etc etc and just seemed to have repeated the pattern. I left this man three and a half years ago and apart from a few short relationships there has been nothing serious. I learnt to be a strong independant woman, so much infact that i had a complex that i couldnt let anyone close to me or anywhere near me, i thought that was me being strong, i was so wrong. I wasnt short of offers either, they were either too short, to immature, infact any excuse that i could come up with for them not being suitable, my friend started to call me an ice maiden. Three months ago, Nick came along when i wasnt looking for anyone and seemed like a nice decent person, someone i could consider giving a chance. There was one little problem though, he was pushy and impulsive and wanted to spend every second with me, at first i thought he was far too clingy. I kept saying to him i couldnt do it and pushed him away, didnt see him for four days on the trot, it was far too intense. Eventually he kind of wore me down, i decided to take more of a chance on him especially when he started talking about marriage and children, the things i have always wanted and resigned myself that i may never have, im 28 and i know that doesnt sound old but time is ticking on. I fell for him and he fell for me in a big way, within 2 weeks he told me he loved me, at first i thought this guy wasnt for real but i fell in love with the dream. I gave up everything and spent every single day with him, i sacrificed my indentity for him. After a month or two it all started to turn sour, i kept causing arguements over petty things and still to this day cant get my head around it, i got jealous and fought with him, much to my embarassment we had a major fight in public around all his friends (the pubs we both go to) about my jealousy. He started distancing himself emotionally and stopped giving me as much affection, this had a reverse effect on me snd made me want the affection more and more and behaving more desperate. I text him all the time and he just wasnt that interested, i would delete his number because i didnt trust myself to text him having a go at him for not getting in touch. It came to the point that we had a fight and he ignored my calls all weekend whilst he pissed it up at the pub knowing i was upset. I should have ended it there but i think i really needed him then. Also i couldnt get over how he treated me that weekend and became cold towards him. A week later he phoned me up and told me he wanted to break up because he realised he didnt want children and we just didnt get on. I know this was a translation for your doing my head in and i dont want the hard work. That was a cop-out because we had planned babies names, he had spoken to his daughter about us having kids, were going to live together etc etc.

It has taken me everything in my power not to contact him or go to the places he goes to, it would be so worse i was percived by him or his friends as being a stalker trying to get his attention, i fear my reputation has already been damaged. I want to talk to him to tell him all this but i just cant let myself, i have to move on in a dignified manner, and thats exactly what im trying to do. Its all made me realise that i have major problems that i need to get over in my life before i can even think about having a serious healthy relationships. All the neediness and clingyness of all of you is low self-esteem. I am seeing a therapist who is working wonders for me learning to love myself. My problem is i "need" someone in my life to make me feel better about myself and this has strained the relationship bringing it to an end. What i need to work on is feeling good about myself and not needing a man. A man should be an addition to you feeling good in life, not the thing that makes you feel good. This is a hard route that im going down right now, my heart still needs him, wants him and wants to work things out but i cant allow myself. Im keeping a journal and trying to write positive things about myself in it every day, seeking help and wont date again until i love who i am. Then hopefully i wont fall into these vicious traps. Also my therapist is helping me realise that i actually attract weak disfunctional men who need help, cant help me, its something thats in my subconsious because im used to men who are abusive and let me down. In the end of everything i realised that he actually treated me quite bas towards the end and i could accept or allow myself to be treated like that but because of my self-esteem deep down i allowed it because i thought i deserved it.

If your in a relationship and you are behaving like this and your man is standing by you you are very lucky, the men in my life have just ran away. Help yourself and help your relationship by getting help and making the way for a happier future.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010):

I am so glad I happened on this site, I am sitting at home waiting on a call from the man in my life and again like a child I’ve been saying if he doesn't call me it is over, he has taken the time and put in the effort to tell me that I am smothering him and yet he is still talking to me I am defensive, nasty and rash when we are talking, I am needy, controlling and aggressive when he is not around as much as I like, he is working his butt off and I get jealous of any time he spends with other people its part of his job, I am seeing how unreasonable I am being as I write this, I have had relationships that have suffered because of my neediness and insecurities, the more I feel this way the more I hate myself and so the worm turns and feeds, this man swept me off my feet he said that he has always cared about me from the very first meeting that I was so uncomplicated, well what would change that my fear that I am not good enough for one thing the fear that he will out grow me he is younger than me, the fear that is what it is I have since I was a child had abandonment issues I shout to be heard and as I am writing this I realize that I don't need to be heard that I just need to be the abandonment issues I have spoke about were, either one of my parents used to say I am outta here I am sick of you, the list is endless, I used to try be quiet and not to say too much, I feared that I had something to do with them arguing and wanting to leave, they nare still together 50 years on go figure, there is an answer there the thing I fear is not always the thing that happens anyway I have been called a stalker, a nut, and a control freak sitting here has helped me to see that yes indeed I am all of the above, what a relief that is to say that and to be ok with it I have now got the opportunity to change, I have had an amazing life for someone from my background and to say it like it really is it is a true miracle that I survived at all I tried to commit suicide at least four times, I was numb for many years and drank a lot off the drink a while now. So when I say that I know that I am doing well the only area of my life that I couldn't cope was the relationship thing so what to do about that if it wasn't for this sight I wouldn’t be able to say this I am going to take a deep deep breath I am going to acknowledge that I am alive and I am going out there to do stuff that I have always wanted to do if things work out well won't that be great if they don't I think right now I will cope with that I just need to hold myself up in the same light as I hold everyone else up and love me like I love them boy will I feel good thanks for the chance to put the light on in my head, it doesn't matter if it is too late for the relationship but it does matter to me about me I am the only one that can make me feel safe and for now I am choosing to feel that way he still hasn't called but I am going to chill out and go to bed soon I need my sleep god bless thanks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010):

Here's my two cents. Neediness and clinginess don't have anything to do with the other person. Once you realize that the other person's actions aren't causing your problem, you have made a very large first step. The second thing to realize (and I mean really realize, looking inward) is that neediness and clinginess result from your own insecurities. And the really bad part is, it feeds itself. Once that feeling crops up, trying to push it down only makes you feel bad about being needy, which makes you crave reassurance even more. And that's what it all really boils down to - a fear of losing your loved one. You get scared, you start looking for reasons why your fear is valid - first mistake. As soon as you look to validate your fear, you'll find something that can be twisted to validate your fear. Because needy people tend to be the kinds of people that look for external validation for their feelings. As soon as you start to believe that your fear MAY come true (even if it's just an inkling), you begin looking for validation that the fear is reasonable. That's when you take all the little inconsequentials and begin to create a tale in your mind. So the only way I have found to conquer this myself is to realize that the neediness and clinginess results from my own actions, and not the actions of others. When I allow myself to dwell on it, and internally agree with myself, it begins a downward spiral.

The key is to play devil's advocate with your fears. "What is wrong with what you just said to yourself" is a question I ask myself constantly. I don't allow myself to internalize those feelings anymore, instead battling them as I would any external threat.

The feelings are tricky - they feel like they are warning you that something bad is going to happen. One of my realizations came suddenly when I realized that something bad had already happened, I had let those feelings settle in. I dwelled on them. Which made them stronger. When I am able to pull my mind away from them, they got weaker.

So my advice is to constantly, CONSTANTLY battle those feelings as if they were an opponent or a foe. Don't ever allow them to settle; question the feelings, not your partner. Because your partner isn't the one causing these feelings. Think of the feelings as a separate entity that is trying to take over, instead of attributing them to your reasonable self.

That's what I did, and it's not easy. But the flip side is allowing those feelings to dictate my actions, allowing them to fester and multiply until I can't concentrate on anything else.

It's a rough journey, and sometimes you fail. Just never give up or the feelings win.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010):

I believe it is natural in all humans to seek reassurance and comfort when we feel uneasy. And to crave unconditional love isn't a bad thing.

So in the end you can never really stop.

It's more about respecting your partner's space, you need to remind yourself that your beloved is a person not an object no matter how long you been with each other you do not have the right to cut off that person from the rest of the world for your convenience. Same rules applies the other way around, if you can't stop being clingy think about the situation on the other side.

How you would like it if you partner treated you the way you treat him/her?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010):

http://www.flirting-dating-men.com/being_needy_in_a_relationship.html

:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010):

I like just about everyone here has a clingy side. I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years and I have recently been more clingy than usual. He doesn't like it at all. But its so hard not to be because we live together. I'm not clingy all that bad but it has got to the point to where he feels smothered now which is not good at all. So I started backing off a little at a time to give him space plus help me cope. I found that the reason I have been clingy is because I'm depressed and when I'm depressed I think about awful things. When I'm with him he keeps my mind occupied and I no longer have bad thoughts. But when I'm alone I start thinking about it again. He is the only person I feel comfortable being around and talking about my problems to. He is aware of everything I have stated here. I guess my problem now is because he goes to a bar after he gets off of work and stays half the night and get drunk and tries to drive home which I don't like at all. So I feel that when he goes to the bar I need to be with him so he don't drive and I can drive him home. I guess he doesn't understand that when I want to go to the bar with him its not because I really want to be clingy...its because I'm worried about his safty and well being. But the problem there is that his time a way from me is going to the bar. He doesn't have many friends to go hang out with because they live far off and the only friend he has to hang out with around here is the man who owns the bar (which he stays at the bar all the time). I don't have many friend that live close either and my one friend that lives even remotely close is the bartender.(Yeah I know convienent huh haha).I have no idea what to do here but this is the only problem we have other than that everything is fine. Oh and I will be going to college soon so that should help with the situation other than him wanting to drive drunk and I won't give him the chance.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010):

I don't even know where to start! I'm in the same boat as you all! Iv been with my boyfriend nearly 2 years now and for the first 18 months we were perfect, never argued, always happy, my friends would say.. How are u not arguing yet? How can u see him everyday, in eachothers pockets basically livin together and not argue?' And I would say I don't know why, we just get along so well and we have nothin to argue about, everythings so perfect!... Until recently. His old best friend ( a girl, amy) has come back on the scene, after him ignoring her for the duration of our relationship because he knew I didn't like him havin a girl that close to him, I found it weird, I thought she fancied him. But he kept sayin no laura she's my mates gf, and we are just friends. Anyway more and more they started to tlk again, she would email me sayin how glad she is she has her friend bak in her life and stuff (tlkn about my bf) n they see eachother a lot now. We argue about her non stop, everyday we have an argument surrounding her. I hate it. He cares for her soooo much and she does too, its weird, like she has an obsession with him! I read on his phone txts like ' I'm so glad I have u back in my life ur amazing, now u have me, I dnt want u to be a bloke and fuck me off again' which sent me crazy!!! Who is she to say that to MY boyfriend!? Yes he stopped tlkn to her for over a year becoz of me but still that's jst weird! Anyway we've broken up a few times in the past few weeks, cz I say I can't deal with her bein in my life and she ruined our so perfect relationship and I feel like he puts her infront of me now and I want him to feel like he used to about me, even tho he still says he does, so I find myself needin to speak to him all the time, he says ring ur friends! But I dnt want to, its like I want to be with him or speakin to him 24/7 so I no he's not with or tlkn to her, I hate her! She's ruined everything! And she txts him when I'm with him or calls him and I just want to grab the phone and say f**k off!! He said to me he needs space and he can't keep spendin every minute with me its unhealthy, and all I think is... U used to WANT to c me all the time, he used to be the one so into me and he was kinda the more clingy one out of the two, now I feel he has conplete control of the relationship and I jst do whatever I can to try and make It be like it used to be! I don't know how, iv read up so much on how to stop jealously and how to stop bein clingy but I can't stop! :( I'm not insecure, I no he won't cheat on me, iv never been cheated on before from what I know, obv I no there are prettier girls out there than me but its not that I'm worried about, its him bein best friends with a girl who I'm so sure fancies him, he's admited It before he thinks sometimes she fancies him, but he treasures her friendship :s its so confusing!!! Help me!! I love him so so much and need him in my life, I cry so much now, I get physical pain inside, like my chest is on fire and sometimes I'm sick! Just if she texts him when I'm there, I'm so scared of losin him now, what should I do?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010):

This discussion is fantastic! Althought there is no real answer what we can do, it helps so much to hear from others in the same situation. I'm going through the same thing at the moment, but with a close friend rather a boyfriend. I've displayed all the same characteristics as the rest of you have described. A few of you also mentioned wanting to please people and be liked. I have always struggled with this, and I wonder if that has anything to do with our clingyness in anyway? I'm not sure. But the answers here have really helped me and think about myself in a more positive way. Thank you, all :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010):

I wish I could tell you how to stop, because it is IMPERATIVE that you do! I don't believe any relationship can survive when this condition is present. My fiance of 2 yrs. is the classic example. At 1 month of dating, I saw the first signs of jealousy. Although I really liked him a lot, I backed off for a while. Because I cared a lot for him, I was straight up with him. that he cannot try to control me. I let him know early on how I felt about him, also how I felt about his controlling and possessive behavior. He knows, as you all do, that he has a deep seated problem that has nothing to do with me, and it has to stop. He's a wonderful man. I let him know this in many ways. I praise his achievements, tell him how handsome he is, and never put him down. He doesn't lie, cheat, drink and is not at all violent. But he tends to disconnect with everyone and everything else when it is just 'us'. He 'needs' my attention always. If I don't answer the phone, he calls 2 or 3 times, then leaves me a pouty message. He expects that I should hang up with whoever since he is calling... NOT! (Usually it is one of my 3 kids who live 1,000 miles away from me, or my grandson) I also have 4 sisters. Let me make clear that I have never lied, or cheated on him. I do nothing behind his back or keep secrets. There's never been even almost a reason for him to distrust me. I don't want to be everything to him, and I've explained that he will never be everything to me. I was happy with myself when we met, and was ready to 'add' him to my life. Not let him take it over! If he sees me on the computer at night while he's having his shower, he wonders who I am talking to, gets mad, and gets his pooty face. When all I'm doing is looking up things like here, now, that I've thought of throughout my day. We did go for couples counseling for a few weeks, but I told him he needs to go again, for therapy for himself. I hope it won't be hard to find the right person that he will open up to. But he will try. One thing about him, is that he knows and admits the problem, and wants to change. But like most of you here, he can't figure out how. I really love him and don't want to lose him. But believe me, one can only take this 'smother-love' for so long, til you push us away for good. We've split up many times in these 2 years, and the initial feeling is RELIEF! I can breathe!!! One of these times, I may not want to try again...

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A female reader, selena547 Canada +, writes (24 April 2010):

wow to see that this all started with a brave young lady to step forward for help in 2006 and its now 2010, 4 years later and yet we are still running into this exact issue. It really shows that nobody is alone in any of this men and women expirence this. I am also one who is in a relationship that I am afraid of loosing due to my clingyness, but after reading ALL of your threads ive copied and pasted in a word document those that were of good information and helpful, so that i can look back at those comments and in tern im able to re-assure myself. It defiantly is something that EVERYONE has a problem with, but knowing that we are not alone changes allot.

all of your threads have given me a reality check, WHAT IF WE WERE TO BE GONE TOMORROW, if we got into a car accident ect... would we have regreated that we spent endless hours trying to figure out weather our man/ woman loves us or not? Most likley if you think about it that way. I may not be able to change overnight who can we are all humans but to regonize this and instead of wanting more assurance with our partners we should look at what they have already given us, after all as everyone has said she/he are with us for a reason, and what that said SO ARE WE, we are with our partners for a reason because we fell in love with them. To expience love and to enjoy each others company. life is a one time deal, it will either make you or break you....

thanks to all who have made comments regarding this issue it was definatly an eye opener.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):

I suffer depression and when I'm not ok i'm not needy, when I am depresses I'm very needy and it's just caused the break down of my biggest relationship ever. Offering advice is impossible but from whats happened in the last month is anything to show you can lose the love of your life whom deep down you knew truly loved you with all the heart and then you became needy you will soon realise as I have the being needy cn be the worst thing you can do for you rrlationship and for your self esteem. I remember when I wasnt like this and my relationship was heading down the aisle. So stop now and trust in what you have, he's with you for a reason

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

The fairy tale ideology of love without turbulence or negative interactions, along with what you're calling unrealistically high standards are barriers you put in place to prevent having to deal with any semblance of abandonment. On that note you've got an abandonment complex that sounds like trauma surrounding neglect in childhood/adolescence. You should talk to a therapist.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010):

Men don't know what they want, really. They don't want girls who are too easy, yet they rant about girls who don't give in, too. The only unconditional love that you can get from another human being is from yourself. I love me, and me should rule the world!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010):

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! i actually cried of relieve when i started reading this thread. i am extremely clingy! my relationship is very rocky and i can't afford to loose him (as i said i am clingy)... not after my 3 pregnancy and abortion and also the fact that we have been together for more then 5 years!

i love him so so so much but i can't see a life without him. i cancel all my plans (plans made when ever the "independent" me kicks in), including my physiotherapy for my injured ankle to just spend a 6 min drive to send him to uni.

he has made it clear that he wants his space and that my clingy-ness is a TURN OFF.

i can say that i am recovering slowly... but it's hard and its hurts! i don't have a life... i don't have an identity... or perhaps i don't want any of it without him... i don't want to have friends as well, because i want to be with him only... i also yern for him attention, his touch, his kiss every few minutes and when he doesn't give it to me i cry and start my drama.

To other ppl clingy-ness is not something hard to overcome but for ppl like us who actually are in the situation know better... it ruins and runs your life. i am going to be a medical doctor soon and i will be a failure if i don't get over it....

TIPS: as i said i'm trying to get over this clingyness and i find exercising in the gym with your fav. self esteem boosting track hooked on to ur ears will help!

through exercise your self confidence will increase tremendously... although the feeling won't be there all the time.. it is something!...

i am still working on making new friends... but i actually hate making friends because i feel that i'm not caring or loving him if i'm not with him... but i think it's sites like this that give u and me strength! tc everyone...

Babygal

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010):

I can't believe I've finally found the answer, on this innocuous website!

Similar situation - am with a bloke 19 years my senior, going through a divorce (had moved out, marriage over before I was on the scene) and with two young children. And at first I was so cool - wasn't phased by anything, he told me he loved me first, if anything he was clingy. Now.. no. Sadly not anymore.

Previous relationship ended with me being chucked. I had never felt needy til then, but I just felt very insecure in the relationship, had panic attacks, self harming - all the stuff I used to suffer with when I was a typical teenager (Emos didn't exist them). So I was prescribed SSRIs, beta-blockers and diazepam to stop the anxiety. I've read everything about panic disorders, anxiety, depression, therapy etc that I could find, but nothing really helped. So anyway, I got dumped by that bloke last May-time. Had a couple of really crappy getting over him.. and then I was over it. And I got happy again. I'd lost weight being unhappy (BMI went down to underweight), so I put that back on and everything was fine.

Then I started to see my current boyfriend, and I was fine, he was more into me (I was dating another bloke at the time - 'playing the field' and all that). I don't know really when the shift happened. It got very intense very quickly (we went on holiday after being together for a month) but I've only been clingy to the point of pushing him away since Feb (after going on another holiday).

I hold so many things against him - I'm always round at his house, I get annoyed he doesn't come to mine. I get in early to make dinner. He was late out of work on Friday, but then went to the pub for 45 mins. I was so distraught. Sat literally sobbing on the sofa. My point was I'd not seen him all week, he's supposed to love me, why the hell would he want to spend an hour after work with colleagues when he could be with me? But it's not a one-off. I get annoyed when he doesn't want to come over because he's had the kids all weekend and needs time to himself. I cancel plans, re-arrange things to accommodate him. He doesn't do that for me, indeed he's said it's 'not healthy'. Then I get annoyed because I don't hear him complaining when it's ME changing plans and working round him.

'We have very different lives, we have different work lives and I have more on outside work'. I can't help that. It just comes down to can I cope with that? Can I accept that he loves me when he's got other things to do? And that's low self-esteem again.

Just ordered a couple of self-help books (checked online for counsellors, but they are £50 a session. I can't afford that.)

I can't answer the question. I wish he'd call soon ... his kids get dropped off in half an hour. I am forcing myself not to contact him first today. I hate all of this - playing bloody games! It feels far too much like those awful 'stress-free dating' manuals. The Rules.

The only other part to all of this is that the age-gap makes a difference. I've started to think about marriage and babies only because he's 41 and done it already. Is there even a future? He's got children. He's been married. So all of this stress, the tears and anxiety and clinging...maybe there's no future anyway. And if we did stay together, have kids...he'd be less 'into' it than me, there wouldn't be the same amazement, the same depth of feeling. It wouldn't be an adventure, it'd be a process.

But even thinking about this sort of thing (we've been together less than a year!) shows my clinginess. And desperation. Oh I don't know what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010):

While we can give you advice, it really comes down to loving yourself. When you feel comfortable within, then everything will fall into place. But no one can do this for you, except you. Try to take little steps by listing 3 positive things for the day. Keep a journal and write about your feelings. You say that "everybody" lets you down. How so? Humans are not perfect- NO ONE is perfect. Allow yourself to make mistakes and therefore you will be more forgiving when others around you make mistakes. It sounds like seeking out a counselor or a trusted adult would be helpful. It is helpful to just have someone to talk to sometimes. Also try to look at all you have accomplished in life. Think about your future goals, even if you just start small. It is also helpful to give back to others in need by volunteering or getting involved with other activities so you're not constantly worried about your own problems/issues.

Not to worry though, everyone has some kind of worry or problem. But the trick is to over come it by being yourself, being happy with who you are, and living life to the fullest. You sound very insightful and are very aware of your feelings. This is a gift because many are not as savvy as you. But too much internalizing will drive you mad! So use this energy and apply it to your areas of interest by taking an art class, kick boxing, writing class, etc. Again, there is nothing wrong if you still need help, so consult your doctor if you still have these issues. Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

hey everyone, im obviously in the same boat because i clearly googled this topic and this was the first link!

ive been with my boyfriend for about 6 months and he is amazing inside and out. At the beginning i was really good about my whole independent thing and spending time with my friends, but as time goes on i find myself in the same pattern as in my first relationship. i gave up all my friends, went to his place all the time, bought him expesnive stuff... and then he had said "its not working, i need space" after a year ... so i was left alone with no friends, and he went on with his life.

With my current boyfriend i can see the same thing happening which freaks me out. But the reason i become friendless and available all the time is because i want to make him happy all the time. But i think all im doing is setting myself up for failure, because i think he might get bored.

i have alot of insecurities ... im often comparing myself to his exes, i doubt my prettiness sometimes, i feel out of control when i eat sometimes, im not very productive.....and im so scared of losing someone again. i can cry so quickly just thinking about it, and im always overreacting if we get into a small argument i think its over.

i find myself constantly needing his texts and his calls and his touch to make me feel ok. and i do not think that is ok, because this is why i feel so sad and depressed at the thought of losing him. and im sure sometimes i come off too needy and reliant. and i know hes going to notice my lack of friends and outings. the thing with him is is that he say he doesnt like when i go out and dress up, so i stopped going. but now im thinking hes going to see that im just giving in to everything hes saying, and if i dont stant up for what i feel is good for me then he will lose respect for me.

oh gosh im ranting, im sorry i need to let this out.

i like him so much ... hes sucha great friend and person and i feel so connected, and part of me wants to believe that he will enjoy this routine behaviour and constant availabilty to him, but part of me is thinking is that what is going to lead him to break up with me in the future? i have a tendency to want to please people, but in doing so i forget to please myself, and thats when i lose a life, and i guys like it when girls have their own lifes, and interests, and friends. so i hope its not to late and that he is not bored and then i can turn things around and get friends back and go out and keep my boyfriend forever:)

i dont really have an answer for why people are needy and clingy, but if we are on this forum then that must mean we know we are needy, so lets stop, relax, live our own lives, but also love the ones we have, and enjoy life:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010):

I am currently facing a similar situation as i am not realizing that my clinging and needy behaviour is driving the person i'm so inlove with away.I'm pursing my degree and most days i have a lot of time at home and he on the other hand is working on so many different things outside of his main job so i get really upset and we argue all the time when i cant see him. I think i'm starting to realize that instead of me putting all the blame on him for how we have become i think see now that i'm pushing him away. Its just that we used to spend so much time together because we worked together and now that i'm back in school, i spend my spare time obsessing over how we were.I actually had a really bad experience in my last relationship and i think it encourages all the insecurity and negativity in me, but i dont want to push this guy away because i've never felt this way for anyone. He's not perfect and he have a part to play as well,but i think for me personally i need to assess my emotions and thoughts and make myself active most of the time and stop making him feel like i have nothing else to do but sit down and think of him and then send messed up messages when he gets me upset.lol

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010):

I've found myself in exactly the same position countless amounts of time.. often a relationship will start out so chilled and we'll be totally equal and I'll even feel like he makes all the effort but once we get to the 2 month/3 month roadblock I become this insane person! The comment someone previously made about learning to enjoy your own company is so true.. I used to hang out and just relax by myself the whole time, go out with friends and just do things if I felt I wanted to but now I have a serious partner everything becomes different - the question that's made me really take control of my situation is, if I was in his shoes how would I react to my behaviour? Always calling, checking up and instigating arrangements when its one-way is never a good sign, as a relationship involves two people! If I was in shoes, I'd find myself probably very needy and obsessive - which is never a turn on for a guy or girl. Obviously as I know he loves me it's unneccesary to act this way, but us girls always need that bit more affection and guys will happily settle as they know the girl will most often be there. When you feel like you're being clingy just step back, maybe don't call him or make the effort and just let things flow - guys also often just accept that girls will make all the effort, which I become prone to doing! Relationships should be fun and you should enjoy the time you spend with a guy, and seeing as you're the person you'll be with for the rest of your life, you should want to have a carefree and relaxed time most importantly! Becoming clingy and needy is always something uncomfortable to realise and deal with, but once you understand how to deal with it in a controlled and sensible way then things feel a lot easier. For me my brain just sort of clicked into place, and I really sat down and said to myself "do I want to ruin what could be the best relationship I've so far had?" Once you've assessed the situation it's a lot easier to be honest with yourself. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

I've never responded to one of these, but this question moved me powerfully. I am also recovering from being needy and clingy, and it is a long and difficult journey! The advice I have, is to learn more about yourself and reasons why you don't find your inner value where it is inside of you! Keep a journal, exercise, meditate... do whatever you can to reflect on who you are with your strengths and weaknesses, and think about how your childhood affected your ability to see these things.

I'm in the middle of a relationship that is rocky, and part of it is due to the neediness I have brought to that situation. I am working as hard as I can to change that about myself, before this relationship ends, and I think it all comes down to a.)your own self-esteem (even if it is low, you can build it! you are inherently valuable and loveable) and b.) an ability to pursue your painful feelings of anxiety, to ask why it is that it is so important that you are validated and reassured in whatever moment you are in, and what would happen if you didn't get that validation. Usually you find out, that you are just fine either way!

Please don't give up. It is a long journey and I am still on it, but recovering from low self-esteem, becoming more self-aware, and learning to validate and love yourself frees you up to love and be loved the way that you want. Prayers and good luck to you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010):

Wow I'm the exact same way as you and it really ruins any relationship I'm in

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A female reader, sparkle517225 United States +, writes (20 January 2010):

I thought I was the only insane one out there. I knew about being clingy, but didn't quite get the whole understanding of it until now. I think I know why I've been like this lately, I live with my mom in like the middle of the woods and she doesn't get home till around 7:00 at night, so I'm practically home alone all day.

My best friend (who's house I'm always at) got a new neighbor about 4 months ago. From then on we were always hanging out and everything. December came around and he told me to leave him alone for good. I realise now what I was doing all those months, I was all over him like he was a toy.

I feel so bad now and I want to fix it, but he doesn't seem to want to fix it. I don't think there's hope for us, but I keep trying, and reading these stories is gonna help me a lot I think. Thank you, everyone :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009):

I really do realize and are happy that its just not me that is really needy I am still quite young and after me and my boyfriend getting into a huge blowup fight about him not meeting me and hanging out with his friends I finally realized how ridiculous I am being. I never want to lose him he is everything to me but after reading everyone else's story's I realize that all I am doing is pushing him away and making him wish that he wasn't with me.... I also am afraid that me not wanting to hang out with his friends for lack of insecurity has made me seem really bitchy when in fact I'm not I'm just majorly insecure. After everything I'm embarrassed and I'm tired of saying to myself that I will get better and not feel like something is wrong when he doesn't get back to me right away I really hope I will find away to be happy with myself and make more friends I know I need to if I'm going to make it in the relationship and not drive him out

thanks for all your responses it helped me a lot

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009):

i get the exact same way, and even though i know my boyfriend loves me, i tend to doubt it. The thing is that, in the first place the person that we are currently with, chose to be with us for who we are and for our individual qualities. They obviously wanted to be with us in the first place, so that is something that reassures me. He chose to date me over other people, thus it can build my confidence. Now the fear is that the clinginess will drive them away, and yes this may be the case. although i struggle with this problem aswell, i am slowly being able to become less clingy and needy because when ever i find myself feeling lonely and doubtful, and somewhat depressed and questionable, i remember that he chose me for who i am, and that the person i really am is the person he loves. Am i really going to be happy if i let myself doubt love? No. and this is why i try and remember to why he chose me over anyone else in the first place, doubting that he does love me is going against how i know he truly feels. Thinking that his love is negative, when i know it is not, will pull the relationship down. So knowing that my lows could pull it down, i hope that he will understand that no one is perfect and that he will stand by me, but as he does that i am finding the reassurance in myself, because something about me he loves, and what he loves is why he is with me, and bringing that out can overcome the negative things and build the confidence to appreciate the little things he does. if i make mistakes and feel disappointed, then he will feel the same way at times too, because he is also human. nevertheless it is difficult, but remembering that he chose me in the first place can give me reason to trust myself and pull myself together because i know i am more special than someone else, and that is why he chose me over others.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009):

Wow, I am so grateful that there is a thread about being needy and clingy here because I have been feeling the same way and I know it messes up my relationships with guys and also with my friends. I am also a really independent girl when I am single but as soon as I start having a relationship I totally flip and become needy. Very confusing. It definitely has to do with self esteem. I think the attention we get from our partner soothes our low self esteem and maybe we don't do anymore the things that made us feel good on our own. I realize I try to generally avoid alone time with myself and so am constantly being social. Been wondering whether I need to learn to enjoy more my own company. If I dont enjoy my own company I probably fear in some ways that no one else will. The constant reassurance we need is to maybe compensate for that fear.

Do I think that I am lovable? If I don't believe that I am lovable no amount of reassurance is ever going to be enough. I like the comment about faith. I think it boils down to trusting that there is something valuable about ourselves and our partner finds qualities that they like about us otherwise they would not be with us. Making sure to have our own time and friends is a huge key even if we would, could easily abandon that. If we abandon ourselves, we will lose the thing about us that drew our partner to us.

I guess another way of looking at things is that all relationships are like a game. I know it might sound bad because we don't want to be playing games, we want honesty. But to some extent all relationships are about working with each other, giving, taking, coaxing someone to want to do the same things we we want to do. By being needy and clingy, it's almost like we've givin up the game and said I am a pile of putty and I give you all the control. Our partner knows that we will do anything for this reassurance and I am not saying they will abuse it but it does begin to look desperate.

Don't forget ourselves, our identity. Because somehow I think we forget that we do actually like ourselves and have enjoyed our own company in the past and we have a lot to offer.

Every person out there is unique in their own way. There are no two people alike, even if they are twins. There is something special about you that no one else can replicate :) That's something pretty powerful. No one can compare to you, the only thing you have to do is work on figuring out what your special qualities are :)

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A female reader, Mintkiss United States +, writes (23 December 2009):

Mintkiss agony auntHello~

I have realized the past two days that I am extremely clingy. I'm so glad to see that people have the same problem as me. I am desperate to get over it but it seems so impossible. But doesn't every problem seem like that?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 11 months. Almost a year. He was my best friend for a year before we started dating. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. I wouldn't be myself anymore without him. But this is my downfall. I believe that I love him so much that I'm scared of losing him and I'm scared he'll forget me.

It's very hard for me to write this an admit it, because I'm very stubborn (not good, right? lol). But I love this boy and I want to overcome this problem.

I'm not sure how hard it is for everyone else, but for me I get jealous when he's hanging out with his friends and not talk to me. We've grown used to sleeping on the phone together. I don't like it when he goes out and does things without me. I believe if he's not busy he should be talking or texting me.

The really funny thing is that I used to be very independent. I loved my space and alone time. But now it seems different. I wish that I would just step back, and my mind is telling me to step back when I'm being clingy, but I just won't.

A lot of you have been giving such great advice! I tried thinking of what is making me feel like this and I found out what the cause of my cligyness could be. Over the summer I went through serve depression. My parents were so strict on me that I couldn't hang out with friends and they disapproved of my boyfriend. I was kept in my house for days and days. I almost never went outside. When I went to the doctor to get medicine, my mom blamed my boyfriend for my depression, which was all wrong. It was a very dark period of my life. I was never as ready as then to move out of my house and start my own life and make friends. I thought I was over it, but in some ways I'm not. I think I'll always have those insecurities that I had months ago. It's not excuse for me not to get over it, but I'm glad that I know why I'm like this and I understand now that I can fix it if I really want to.

Everyone who shares the same problem as me, I think we all can help each other to get over this. Just reading about everyone's stories make me feel better. This problem can be fixed. Just like an addiction and obsessiveness, it takes time.

Thank you for anyone who read my long post :p

Good luck everyone!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009):

The fact that you are reading this thread is already a positive step, because you realize and are consciously aware of the perils and toils of being too clingy and needy.

Every one of us has a degree of neediness towards our loved ones, and much of it is genetic. Think of a baby trying when it leaves the mother's grasp...

Compulsive neediness and clinginess comes from lack of faith.

People who are NOT needy and clingy have faith that their partner loves them, and thinks about them, and they rely on that faith throughout the day.

For example, if you had a magic mirror that could "show" you all thoughts of our partner in real time without their knowledge, AND if you in fact saw the number of times that your partner is thinking about you during the day, then you probably would not be as clingy or needy for attention, because you WILL KNOW that you are loved.

The reality is that such a mirror does not exist, and everyone as their own way of expressing their feelings. For example, some people who are very reserved express very little, but it does not mean that they don't think about you.

The reason why so many of you have shattered relationships because of neediness, is because you lost faith in the relationship, and once you lose faith your partner sees that and loses faith too.

Think about it this way, if your partner truly doesn't love you, then he will not send you loving messages ANY MORE. And in that case, your neediness will grow into unhappiness and the relationship will end. The fact that your partner STILL expresses love to you (maybe not as frequently as you like) is the proof that he/she LOVES you.

So, you have to have faith in the love even when the partner is not there. God can really help you in that, because God gives you faith in SOO much more than just relationships.

Good luck, and God Bless!

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A female reader, lalatina United Kingdom +, writes (16 September 2009):

After reading all of your comments, I have deduced that I also fit the bill of a 'needy' person. I used to be so independent, never wanting to rely on men to satisfy my needs, but lately with unemployment and my boyfriend being busy I have begun to cling to him a lot. It has got to the stage where I fear sending a text message as I convince myself he won't reply, and never will. On top of this, once I send a message, if I don't have a reply in 10 mins or so I panic majorly and call him to ask why he hasn't replied. This behaviour is driving us both insane, and I can feel him becoming more distant from me but don't know how to stop. I've tried focusing on other things, reading, sleeping, watching tv, exercise but nothing seems to ease the anxiety. I have every reason to trust him, and we have been together for 2 and a half years, through my serious bouts of depression and everything. I know that the sure-fire way to push him away is to continue my behaviour but I can't seem to break the cycle, and allow him the space and trust for him to contact me when he has the time. Somebody please help as am desperate.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

I can totally relate to this. I am 42 and grew up with an alcoholic father and he and my mother in their own ways were emotionally unavailable. I resent at times that it is up to me to heal that. And that I seek out the love, security and stablility through men. I catch myself comparing myself to people who seemed to have had a happy childhood and seem to have successful, stable, prosperous and productive lives. My parents would always want me to hang out with the kids, some of whose parents were there for them emotionally, (probably thinking it would rub off on me) but I wasn't getting the support at home that they had. I sometimes feel behind my peers and even people younger in worldly endeavors, though I have overcome some life obstacles that they may have trouble with or didn't have to experience at all. I am relieved to read that others have similar issues. I hate that crazy feeling when I have sent a text to a guy that doesn't get a reply right away. Fear I won't hear from them, they are rejecting me or I am being too needy a times when I think I am not. I tend to also be attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable, so of course that perpetuates the fear and need to be clingy. I am working on this. I realized that being happy with my own life is the best solution. Focusing on myself and my dreams and goals will hopefully attract the right guy. Right now I am stuck on a guy who isn't seeking a relationship and I am getting the lesson on trying to make it happen, when that isn't my place to. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it really helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009):

I am so relieved to know that I am not alone! This site has really opened my eyes! I have never thought of myself as clingy but I sure do fit the profile of constantly needing reassurance. I know exactly where it comes from. My dad was a perfectionist and workaholic. He gave tons of atttention to my sister, who was a superb athlete. I never felt good enough in his eyes. My mom was also a victim of my dad's rigid expectations. It was obvious that Dad saw Mom as never good enough. He did not treat her with love and respect, but instead was constantly pointing out faults. And she freely expressed how damaging this was to her self-esteem. She played the part of the victim, weak and injured all the time... crying and wallowing in self-pity. So guess what? I have learned to expect others to hurt me and disrespect me. Friends and significant others - in my perception - do not seem to value me. The truth is, I know that I am full of good qualities, and have a lot to offer. There are times when another person is busy living life, and has a very valid reason for not answering my call, text, or email right away. So why should I allow this unreasonable voice, this impatient injured child, to tell me lies? I must learn to understand that there will be time for me later. This "problem" that I have become aware of just recently... is an opportunity for me to grow and improve. I'm not exactly sure of the recipe for success. But I refuse to say that it's just how I am, and sit on my butt. I will not continue to feel hurt for silly reasons, to lash out at those I care about, to push people away. How will I be able to share what I have to give, if I am constantly pushing them away? Thank you to all of you who have shared your feelings on this site. Your words are more powerful than you may realize.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009):

Wow Unbeleivable- Reading this has really opened my eyes- I am sure I am this way due to my father leaving as a child. I never thought of myself as the needy type- I knew I wasinsecure but never Needy. But I always need reassurance. Thats the hardest part. And Its a huge secret because I am afraid to let anyone know. In my past relationship if I did not get constant affection/ attention/ reassurance /love I would get upset and scared and pull away from my partner and go out and ignore him. Immature I know. Our relationship ended because of this because I would go out and surround myself with other men and get attention there. I am in a new relationship now and do NOT want to repeat the same pattern. The only tip I could find on this page was to keep busy with other things but I dont think thats enough- I am an extremely buy person and my life is pretty complete but even while Im busy at work or doing anything I would wonder- "why hasnt he texted me yet?" and then I dwell on it while I am working- It gets to a point where I want to end a good relationship so that I dont feel like way- And I hate this obssesing over NOTHING- Its absolutely ridiculous. I know Im smart and pretty and the guy Im with adores me so why cant I just relax?!!????

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A female reader, simplyput United States +, writes (19 August 2009):

Hello. I just wanted to quickly add something to this. I happened upon this website yesterday when I was thinking about my current relationship. I just want to say that I am EXTREMELY needy. I cry at the drop of a hat, need constant reassurance, and like most of you, feel empty and unloved if I'm not getting this constant reciprocation of love that I give. My boyfriend and I live together and have been together for almost two years. We fight ALL THE TIME about "his not loving me enough" blah blah but in reality, this problem has always been mine. I would add more but my lunch is almost over at work.. what I wanted to say was that I have been making a concious effort to not be clingy and I must tell you that 1, last night, b/f rolled over in bed and hugged my very tight and we fell asleep this way. This hardly EVER happens. It used to of course in the beginning, but now I am always the one who has my body draped all over him, smothering him both literally and metaphorically, with affection. Also, I re-situated at some point in the night I guess, and his hand came over and grabbed mine very tight. This morning, he came in and kissed me goodbye (as he always does) and he said "I love you." He never hardly says this unless prompted by me saying the phrase. So, it is already working... I can't remember who said it best in the responses above, but basically they said if you stop CONSTANTLY pushing your extreme feelings and love on the person, then they will come to you for it when they need it.

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A female reader, Jennay United States +, writes (16 July 2009):

I've read everyone's answers and personal stories and it helped me further on my own path.

I can recommend an awesome form of group therapy. You can find a meeting in your town for problems like this. www.adultchildren.org. Click on "the Problem" and see if this fits you. I think you may find it very helpful for healing your pain from the past.

About the expectations: I can give you a real life story of what happened to me when I started to accept my boyfriend as he was and let him do his own thing. I stopped nagging him and started to live my own life, as I did when I was single. I used to have those same high expectations of him. I needed him all the time. Needed sex all the time. I became obsessive of him and he in turn became obsessive about his work, over sleeping and doing things he loves when he was once pretty balanced about sharing time with me too. He just stopped showing me affection. Then I started to change myself. At first he couldn't believe it. ESpecially when I stopped initiating sex. Don't get me wrong, it literally felt like I was starving myself in more ways than one. But yet it also had the affect some people try to attain by fasting; to stop the cravings. It helped me discipline myself. Loving myself came tumbling after. I go swimming by myself now. Go to the beach and read. I dance. I go out with my girls every now and then. I let him call me sometimes. I still show him the love I showed him before but I practiced only giving it once and then waiting for him to give it back to me. I like that tossing the ball theory that guy wrote in one of these replies. It works! Just remember while doing this, you can still love him and with just as much enthusiasm just not all the time. My boyfriend calls me, loves me and appreciates me and is excited to be with me like he was in the beginning of the relationship. And I thought it would never turn around because I was MEAN.

Some changes took more time than others. It took forever for him to start making some plans for us. But I had to learn to accept what he wants to do, not just what I want to do. I was selfish. I had to realize that a relationship takes two and the better balanced we are the happier we both will be.

You can do this too. Anyone can. You can starve that beast within you by acknowledging your every strength, start doing the things that make you happy.

Face it, he wants you. Even after all those mean things or words you said to try to control the way he loves you. Don't get me wrong, if he is doing things you really don't approve of please don't put up with it. But think about those things and ask yourself if you can accept them. Is it worth it? Then try this out and see if you can turn your ship around. You deserve to be loved and feel every kind word and affectionate gesture he makes toward you. Try it out and don't fail to notice how he responds. It helps me to keep a diary of my progress; feelings, reactions, etc. Take it all in.

The very best from me to you!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009):

Well your problem hit me very close to home; I'm struggling right now with being too needy and smothering . . I had a problem with it in my two main prior relationships; I feel it stems from the loss of my father when I was 11 and my mother not being a very loving and affectionate person; I've also fallen into the codependent trap which hasn't helped . . I have met a super nice wonderful man . . I have high hopes that this relationship could go somewhere but if I don't get an immediate response to my emails or my text messages I freak out wondering if he's gonna disappear; what have I done; why hasn't he wrote me back . . and it's a battle not to keep emailing and texting him to get a response . . and I try to manipulate him in to answering quick too . . I hate being this way . . I just want to take the relationship slow and let God handle it . . but I've drove myself nuts this week . . I really like this guy and he seems to really like me . . but I know if he know my mind set he'd be gone in a heartbeat . . I want constant reassurance that he's still there . . I have worked on myself . . and don't mind being alone when I'm alone . . but when I have someone to date the old feelings come flooding back . . why???? I'm strong when I'm alone . . I enjoy my friends, like my alone time . . but put a man in my life and it all falls apart . . I'm praying constantly and hoping I can get this in check . . any advise from any of you would be welcome . . it's just nice to know I'm not the only one that is like this . . God bless us all . .

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A female reader, Suzziq United Kingdom +, writes (8 May 2009):

Oh my, I'm so glad that there are more of me out there. I wonder sometimes as someone wrote above if it was a lack of love when I was a child. I also had a problem not trusting men, always doubting what they said, holding high expectations. I had to face everyone is different, the more you cling the less they do things. This could drive people away. Again, as said above, your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend can never fill that void..they shouldnt be the one to look to for complete happiness. Maybe you did have lack of love when you were younger, maybe you suffered some emotional trauma at a young age but you have to move on and leave that in the past. How can we fix this? get involved with other things, try to get out, don't wait for their call. I do agree that you have to love yourself and find yourself otherwise you will be looking for that other person to make you happy. They will never completely make you happy.

I am also a big one on faith in God. If you are the same, or if you're not the same, I encourage you to ask God to help you with this problem. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is always there and never disappoints you as humans can...God bless and I say a prayer for all of us tonight. :o)

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A female reader, schristinar85 United States +, writes (22 March 2009):

schristinar85 agony auntI have the same problem and it has really effected my life, not only with romantic relationships, but also friendships. I am currently single after a 4 yr relationship and am focusing on improving myself, starting with my neediness. I plan to remain single until I can be comfortable with myself and know how to self soothe, which I know is a process and takes time. I found GREAT advise at http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Needy. Hope it helps you guys.

love, Sarah

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A male reader, Abstractman United States +, writes (4 February 2009):

I have the same problem. I'm 40 years old and I just had a relationship end because of my neediness. I have suffered from this condition for my entire life. I had a 15 year marriage and I believe that this problem assisted in that ending. My most recent girlfriend finally ended our relationship after a year and a half. All she needed was some space and I went into a panic and started calling our friends and whining to them. I am greatly embarrassed by the extremes that my neediness drove me to. I have determined that I am not going to enter any new relationships until I believe that I am able to overcome this problem. It is not fair to myself or to others. I am struggling with my emotions and feel like I don't bring enough into a relationship right now.

I guess I don't really have any answers for anyone here. Fighting off that emotion/need is one of the most difficult things anyone will have to do. I wish you all good luck and if any of you have any solutions then I would love to hear them. I know that I have to learn to deal with it. I need to be alone for a while. To get my worth from myself not from others. I have a lot of women friends and i know that I'm just trying to get that affimation from them. I have to stop that as well. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I am going to be ok, at least I hope I will.

Good luck guys.

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A female reader, JulieB United States +, writes (14 January 2009):

Being too needy can only make you feel lonely and you need to gain your self-esteem and self-respect. We have all been there at some point! Check out my article and look at some steps to stop the cycle! http://www.ehow.com/how_4717590_stop-being-needy.html

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008):

I read your post and feel for you and everyone else here and think that we should all continue to keep eachother informed about what works and what doesn't.

A man I was recently getting to know and like a lot recently told me that he felt that I "get attached too quickly." This was after making love--which I thought was completely normal for any woman. Apparently, he thinks it is from not enough affection as a child and I'm beginning to think he is right.

don't think you have too-high expectations of what love is, I just think you've been hurt in the past and need some help to overcome this. If you don't, these problems have a horrible way of rearing up again and again and ruining every good thing that ever happens to you.

Go and see a counsellor to talk over your past and get to the bottom of the reasons why you feel you need to keep people so close all the time and why everyone has to be so perfect. You do sound insecure and that you may be trying to cause big problems with small things that happen in your relationship.

Good luck

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All my life, I have done almost everything I've done in order to be liked. There are a few things I do for pure enjoyment, but oftentimes, I catch myself trying to please others, or only realize it afterwards and feel badly about not having had time...or patience to tune in and REALLY hear my own inner voice....whatever that may be!

In the back of my mind, no matter what I'm doing, there's the need to find someone to "complete" me....and I KNOW that this is unnecessary cognitively, but in reality, I cannot negate these feelings, as they are so deeply ingrained. I can try, but after a while, like a person holding their breath, they just come out.

Every relationship I've been in, when I start to sense a distancing, I tell them it's over right away....if a boyfriend has said he MAY be taking a liking to someone else, a recent sex partner (whom I thought was way more emotionally involved) says it takes time to know how he feels about me, there's any doubt in my mind that he will hurt me or has....and yet, I so strongly want it not to be over, but to be changed.

I actually need assurance with almost everything. I have done a lot of reading on Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment Disorders and how they may have genetic roots, but are definitely precipitated by early childhood traumas--ie sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, etc.

I love myself and feel entitled, but I also often feel very uncomfortable asking for things and being indebted and/or receiving love, I sometimes do things that incur punishment and feel as if I am a miserable, wretched creature that deserves to pour out her love, give to others emotionally, and be put down herself---and/or to love men/ be intimate with them...and for a brief moment, feel as if she is wanted/bonded, only to be cast aside until he has a need for a female body---and this time I say no, but very grudgingly so, wishing there was more connection and love. Sometimes I am uncomfortable sitting with someone and having nothing to say to them---it almost makes me feel guilty---so I leave---and they feel less close to me---resulting in a self-perpetuating cycle of distancing. I also start relationships, projects, etc. and rarely, if ever, follow through.

My mother had me as a busy professional in the mid 70's and admits to having felt somewhat embarassed at being pregnant during the beginning of her career. I wasn't breast fed and was given to several caretakers, one out of whose care I was just taken one day and apparently had a really difficult time with.

She also had my brother a year after me and my dad became my surrogate "mother." When he left for a 2 month conference, I apparently suffered a lot of trauma, was really upset, and when he came back, wouldn't stop touching his face as if he returned from the dead!

This same father is one who has never understood what it is to LISTEN to your children....to want to see them for who they are...to give them time to not know...to allow. He has supported us in everything he supported, but if it was not what he wanted, then it was harder. He also didn't know how to give much physical or emotional affection.

As far as being reliable, present, sustaining, stable--both parents were always there. But I feel that maybe this beginning has led to a very instable internal emotional environment for me. This probably gets in the way of much achievement in life, b/c as things get stressful, relationships take front seat and I start to become preoccupied with them and what's wrong and how to fix it and how it hasn't worked so far, but there's still hope, but something's gotta change, i can't go on like this.

I am pretty happy most of the time, so don't worry about me, but when I express myself, I do so with no holds barred. Anyone have any similar experiences or sought out treatment for BPD/ Attachment Disorders?

I am wondering if anyone else here has had these problems to this extent.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008):

i'm glad to see that other people feel these things too. about a year ago, i ended a very long relationship in which i was cold and distant...the complete opposite of clingy. upon meeting my new girlfriend (now of over a year), i found myself passionate, engaged, and completely head over heels, and she seemed to feel the same. as time went by, i began to feel, perceived or real, that she was pulling away. that created an intense feeling of need for her that i've never felt for anyone before...as some of you have said, it's as if the things that once mattered to me no longer did - job, friends, hobbies. i tried to conceal it and "be cool," but had several instances where it came up unexpectedly, which only succeeded in confusing things and pushing her away. she is wonderfully patient, and i am still struggling with those feelings. but, i've found that repeating a mantra when those burning obsessive feelings pop up has helped somewhat. i just repeat in my head "let go"..."let go", and the feelings pass and i begin to feel like a normal person. also, force yourself to spend time away, with friends, etc...even if you're still thinking about the other person, eventually you will regain that independence that probably made you seem attractive to begin with. it's a difficult game, this relationship thing. never easy, but worth it to power through these issues, i think. good luck!

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A female reader, sakura112 United States +, writes (23 October 2008):

I was so amazed at how many people responded to this. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes it feels like my boyfriend can't keep up with my expectations and I feel neglected and unloved. I realize this is unfair to him but I don't know how to stop. I try to think that i don't care and that it isn't a big deal but i always come out being passive aggressive or it just bottles up and then i go boom. I feel like i set myself up to get hurt when in reality he's amazing. I try my best i don't call him, txt him, but i always try to talk to him online at least at night. However if he fails or can't come i throw a storm and i want it to be over. I have really thought about it but then again i would only be running away and i wouldn't solve anything. However i see myself as the victim here b/c its the only time i desire from him and he cant even do that and it makes me feel so small. I sometimes think that he doesn't even realize this b/c i pour my heart out and i dedicate myself to the relationship. I feel really small and insignificant compared to him b/c i set myself up for him to hurt me and anything he says. I try my best and just be aloof and more distant but i go to far. I'm scared he might one day just say bye. Somehow for some unknown reason i want him to do that. However i know i would suffer a lot b/c of it. Someone please give some tips!! i want to be normal

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A female reader, Mia16 United Kingdom +, writes (11 October 2008):

Wow it's like you've spelled out my life for me. I have this EXACT SAME problem. It's uncanny how alike it is. I need love ALL the time and I too have these massive expectations for love. When my boyfriend doesn't live up to them I go crazy, I say I want to end it but in the end I'm too needy to end it. I know it's a problem and I have to sort it out I've been tearing my hair out over it it's just awful! Like you I know I'll never be happy while I'm this needy.

I've tried to do the apathy thing. You know, try to just not care about stuff. If someone gets angry with me or says something nasty (something that confident people would just sweep aside), I dwell over it for days. I admit I'm incredibly insecure.

It's so much easier to not care but I've found it impossible. No matter how hard I try I just can't not care. And I don't think it's the right solution. I always expect my boyfriend to just know how much I need him and to know all the things I expect of him and to do them without me having to say anything because I expect him to love me that much... I know how awful that sounds and I know it's wrong.

Just so you know you're not alone.

I always have to be told I'm good at this and good at that. I never get told it I never get confidence boosts and I need them so desperately. I don't think it helps that my boyfriend is amazing at EVERYTHING. Seriously he just tries something once and he's fantastic at it and everyone praises him to high heaven and admires him. I know I should be happy for him and I am I just feel so so inadequate.

If he goes and does his own thing - even if it's just for 15 minutes or so and he ignores me, I feel awful and upset and neglected.

There has to be a way out of this!

Have you had any luck?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008):

Hi

This posting has come in the nick of time and helped and changed my life!

I am a Bi man.I have always had this problem with both sexes. hah! Double trouble! It seeems to be worse with men!

I totally understand you.I am like this too..i want to love and give and care so much.I can do this eterenally..but it overwhlems the other person.I really will never understand why another persn dsnt want to recieve love.

However i have just come out of a relationship with a man who i love deeply and intensly.However, he couldn't take it anymore and said he had to keep away from me for a few days.When eh came back he told me it was over.I thouht i would die.I decided i NEVER want to go through this pain again.It's woke me up!I WILL DO ANYTHING NOT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN AND LOSE SM1 I LOVE!

And i believe what all you guys and girls have said is true!Being clingy is sure fire route to destroying a relationship. Also, be careful on how much emotion and love you give with regards to intesity.Let it out in drips abd drabs..sometimes more..sometimes less.control it if you can.Although you and me are amazingly inrense and deep,,which is BEAUTIFUL quality..others can find this too much if its constant. Also, be healthy, do sports, arts, volunteer work, etc..it is a massive help!

You need space yourself..to simply let yr emotional pain and thoughts settle.Because you cant even think straighht right now.Let them settle a bit and carry on reading what we have all wrote and other things on net. i promise you will HEAL. You know it's insecurity...but you now know what you have to do..! I mean if you were single..it'd be great..cause it would mean that you would have time to develop you an dthen you can deal with others!!

I wish you all the best!! Love

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008):

i am the exact same way. i'm only clingy because i care about this boy a lot and his friends say i am the best thing to happen in his life but i dont see why he doesnt realize it. my advice to you is that its okay to be clingy but i'm gonna try and let the person that i like come to me for once. reading your story i just cant believe that there are so many people in the world that are similar to me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008):

I completely understand what you mean and feel the same way about myself. As a young guy, its hard to fit in with alot of people because of the qualities that I have. I consider myself a kind and compassionate person, and with that comes a certain expectation in others to reciprocate my kindness. Of course, the ridiculously high standards I set for all my friends could never realistically be met, so I always set myself up to be disappointed. What helps me put things into perspective whenever people let me down is realizing that they may not be comfortable with being as open about their love as me. I can't judge people for being the way they are because I could never understand what they have been through. But what I keep telling myself is that being a loving person is an invaluable quality that is needed in the world, and regardless of how many times humanity lets me down, I'm going to keep loving the world as I see fit. I know its kind of idealistic, but without people like us, the world would be a very dark and cold place. And it may take years or even an entire lifetime for us to realize just how much light we brought into the lives of the people we knew and cared for. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

I had to respond to this one! My advice to you.... get some great girlfriends and go have fun.... There is no substitute for this, not even a man. I am divorced now for 4 years and if I didn't have my "girls" I don't know what I would have done. I think we (women) need to fall in love with ourselves for awhile and focus on making ourselves happy.... Men are wonderful, and I have a great group of male "friends" too.... But if you are falling in love this often, then I think you have a problem with jumping in too soon and getting hurt. A man can never "complete" you, just as you can never "complete" a man. The best relationships are those where two people "complement" one another's lives..... No room for "NEED" in my opinion, but lots of "WANT". Take a step back and focus on you and your friends for awhile and have fun!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

Yep i have the same problem i tend to me clingy and needy and i have this friend called Ian and he's a really nice guy but i also like him alot and he knows because i told him and i keep being clingy with him i follow him and other people like a puppy dog but i'm going to try and stop this. The reason i do this is because in the past people i thought were my friends hurt me and it ended badly so i'm trying to hold on to him and i think i'm pushing him away in the process but i'm going to stop now so i can save our friendship. I also let my feelings for him get to my head but i'm not anymore i guess all i have to do is let go and breath and just pay attention to the clingy things i do and just stop doing them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008):

It's initially comforting to find so many people feeling the same things as me, but then quite depressing as I'm desperate for an answer. I'm in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant woman who also displays a lot of classic passive-aggressive behaviour (she was damaged by bereavement in childhood). When the relationship began I felt strong and at least as much in control of it as her, but now things have changed. I never seem to be able to get a straight answer from her, which upsets me, and I seem to be losing myself. I've stopped doing the things I used to enjoy because they don't seem to mean anything any more, and I spend my whole time thinking about her, and generally in an unhappy way. Whenever we're together, I just find myself thinking about when she has to go.It's a Catch-22. I want to talk to her about the situation, but I'm scared that this will push her into dumping me.

I know the advice, too: all the learning to love yourself stuff, and making an effort to do your own thing, etc etc, (and I have no truck with gods) but that all just feels impossible. As I write this I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. And my stomach is in pain.

If I didn't love her, I could be strong.

GS

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008):

i exactly like that and if i dont stop its just goin split me and my fiancee up she is more independent than me and the reason i am clingy is cus past relationships and things that have happened in the past. im sick of us arguin and stressin out each other and trust me i have bin there with past relationships and it not hard for men to show this it just means there more carin than some jerks out there like the blokes i know they have more than 5 on the go and id rather stick to one girl but women dont get why were clingy and the dont realise we find it hard to trust cus of past sitiuations we do trust them but find it hard and some times we want to make great impression but they dont realise it and the hole inside i know im feelin it now but u cant see each other every minute of the day no matter how much u want to my fiancee is right though i didnt see for a day and i tell u wat we were so close the next day we couldn't stop huggin and kissin so my advice is try to see from a diff point of view cus in the end if u dont it will break ur heart i know hopefully my fiancee will try to see my point of why im clingy from dave in leamington spa

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A female reader, the life lounge United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2008):

Hi there.I would first say to accept that side of,dont give urself a hard time because of it.But the only person who can fill that emptiness and insecurity is u.some more advice tomorrow.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008):

If you feel like you need sex, just masturbate to porn...if that's the reason you are needy. Seriously. It works. Women love men who can survive on their own. Women love men who are self-confident. If you want a sure confidant boost, I suggest getting the DVD collection of "The Sopranos". Let's face it, most of them don't have muscles, but do get women. Why? It's because how they carry themselves. They dress to impress, and they aren't needy. One woman rejects them, they take it as "There loss and anther woman's gain. I'm not saying be a bad guy, but have the image that you don't give a damn if people like you or not. I used to be like you, but from a few good friends being there for me and offering me advice, I'm getting laid left-and-right by different women. The trick is have them chase you, not the other way around. One website I find helpful is: askmen.com

Good luck brother!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008):

you guys gave a lot of good advice, but i think clingyness is a problem that occurs early on and determines what happens in relationships, if time is never taken out to acknowledge that it is problem from within that can only be solved by you and the help of a self help book or a therapist, a good book to read is "why men love bitches" it gives you advice from becoming doormat to dreamgirl

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008):

i am a male, 30 years old. good looking, at times surpassingly confident. but, then when i meet a girl, that sweeps me off my feet, into that abyss of fantasy land, i seem to come apart. and at the first sign of any real, or perceived, rejection, i fall into a devastating pattern of clingyness. i feel that this is usually a female problem, but us men can have it too. i often think that i would be a great gay male since this affect seems very feminine to me. it sucks, because women are more allowed to be needy then men are in society. i am not saying it is any harder for me over females out there, i am simply stating that on top of all the needy stuff i also have to struggle with feeling demascunalized.

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A female reader, Pattiepie United States +, writes (18 December 2007):

Wow, I am in the same exact situation. I am so needy I can't stand myself. It has destroyed my relationship because I can't stand on my own two feet. Problem is I live with him and I can't leave until May when the lease is up on my home that I own because I rent it out. I dont want to go though, I want to fix what is broken. No matter how much I tell myself that I don't want to be needy anymore, I just can't do it. I have pushed him away. What can I do to get him back? I obsess about the thought of never being with him again, my stomach is in knots every waking minute of my day. How do I release this and just breath. How do I learn to just be? I want to do this but I don't know how. I want to take care of myself and be strong but I can't.

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A female reader, Pattiepie United States +, writes (18 December 2007):

Wow, I am in the same exact situation. I am so needy I can't stand myself. It has destroyed my relationship because I can't stand on my own two feet. Problem is I live with him and I can't leave until May when the lease is up on my home that I own because I rent it out. I dont want to go though, I want to fix what is broken. No matter how much I tell myself that I don't want to be needy anymore, I just can't do it. I have pushed him away. What can I do to get him back? I obsess about the thought of never being with him again, my stomach is in knots every waking minute of my day. How do I release this and just breath. How do I learn to just be? I want to do this but I don't know how. I want to take care of myself and be strong but I can't.

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A female reader, mj Philippines +, writes (10 December 2007):

Hi!!!

I felt the same way you're constantly feeling now.... What i did about this thing was keep on reading articles on how to feel good about myself...Remember to always pray.. You'll then feel relieved....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007):

If I really like the woman, I have realized that I can be a needy, hopeless romantic who wants to be with her as much as I can. I don't mind if she is needy. I LIKE IT! It shows she really likes me... What's wrong with that???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

I have the exact same problem. I can't tell you how much I have been hurt by pushing people away who I wanted to get close too. As a matter of fact I was just told two days ago that a guy who really liked me thought I was too clingy and that it was a total turn-off. All I can say is that if it is because you have been hurt in the past like I have, don't let it control you. It was in the past so don't let it control your future. Occupy yourself with other things that you can indulge in that will take your mind off of them. Try not to constantly want to talk to them by getting rid of contact options. I asked my dad to take away my cell phone so I couldn't call him and if he called the house I wouldn't answer. I don't have his email so I can't email him either. So far it is working. Hope it helps, best of luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007):

Use clingy actions to your advantage.

Its ok to be clingy, but stop, from time to time.

Trust me they will miss it.

Even if you have to get a calendar, and schedule non clingy times.

Show up late once in a while to a date.

Don't call on time.

Disappear for a little while, unexpectedly.

Be as clingy as you want, just stop sometimes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

I have been, and to tell you the truth, it was painful to go through someone telling you not to call for three days, but realized how silly I was feeling. Thinking, oh my God, how am I going to survive obstacles without that person there helping me. Anyway, It was the best thing someone did for me...we are good friends, helping me with a lot issues, but, it gives you a reality check in the end, and realizing that being needy will push people away from you!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):

im just like you. im very needy. and everytime i have an issue with my other half i say " this is not working out" bt i dont mean it...i just want his attention. and i dont always get it. i want to change too. this isnt the wayto be, especially of we choose to be in a relationship. we would just push them away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

Oh my god, I also have a problem such as this! My boyfriend of two years left me because of it! God I love him so much, and now I am healing and I realise that it is my fault. I recognize that I have a problem and need help. It may have come from the fact that my Dad totally ignores me and left our family to be with another woman. I really am trying to stay busy by meeting people and exercising. I also am dieting, and as I am fat, I'm loosing weight and my confidence has improved. I know that I have lost someone I truly loved because of my character, but hopefully I will heal well and not do the same to my future boyfriend.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Just like the song says, hold on loosely but don't let go. I was in a relationship where it ended, thank god, but on the note that I was too clingy. My current relationship however I learned from and I give my girlfriend her space. Yeah, sometimes I just want to hold on to her love her so much, but that actually can push her away. I always love her to the greatest extent in sex. Outside of that only once and a while do I really show her how desperately I am in love with her.

The key is to just be yourself. Remember how you were without a partner -you didn't need anyone and just went on with life alone, went to bed alone. Enjoy sleeping with someone else, but don't enjoy it so much as to suffocate your partner. Yes, you want to enjoy every moment together but let those feelings out during sex or intimate moments. You need to maintain that part of you that that person fell in love with. They fell in love with you and not you attached to the hip of someone else. You need to love yourself and be happy without having to always touch or express your feelings so much to your partner. Otherwise you can wear out the significance.

It may be hard at first, but try it out for a couple days (3) and just see what happens. I bet you that once you start leaving your partner to themselves and you to yourself (still do stuff together, of course) they will start initiating the contact that you so desire. You don't have to force it on them, they can come to you because they fell in love with you.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship(s). A few other suggestions that I have to help in this are: Work out, pray to God.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007):

Wow - I am exactly the same as you and am currently having probs because of it at the moment! Started off with an argument with my boyfriend Sunday and I have been feeling miserable all week - but mostly I make things worse for myself as I keep thinking he's going to leave me. I hate it when he doesn't want to see me all the time or doesn't text or call!! it makes me feel sick!! I am going to see a councellor Monday but don't know whether to tell my boyfriend or not. I believe I am insecure and in constant need of reassurance from men as my dad died when I was 9 and I don't think I dealt with it properly at the time. Plus I have had 2 serious boyfriends leave me for other people and they both told me I was too clingy!! I can completely sympathise with you! Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007):

This is what has helped me:

A 12 step program.

To live one day at a time

To belive, trust and hand events and things over to a higher power. To ask this Higher power to help and guide me. I choose to call my higher power God. And he loves and cares for me in a real way. Every thing else comes from this relationship .I suffered so much feeling unloved and needy, now I am beginning to feel like a real person . now I try to share freely of myself with others rather than use or be used by them. I know am and never have been alone. Lots of Love Jane.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

I have two tips... I am in a new relationship right now and am trying not to be needy. I try to find things to do and I erased his number from my cel phone since I do not know it by memory I cannot call him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2007):

It sounds like you are the anxious-preoccupied category in the attachment theory. I've been doing alot of reading about this and I am also in this category. I also believe this changes depending on the relationship. Things like the person you are with and the circumstances they are in in their life and the person you are and the circumstances in your life. I was never clingy until I found a woman I believe to be the only one right for me. And she is in the dismissive attachment category. Work on Hobbies, Love Yourself More, stay healthy and excercise are my ideas.

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A female reader, gabwid United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

I can well identify with this question of neediness and here i am at 57yrs old and still not cured! I make the mistake of appearing needy to boyfriends and that is not very attractive and I guess will push them away. My problem is how do you alter the situation and prove to your boyfriend or partner that you are not that needy even though both parties have identified the problem. Thanks to anyone who can throw some light on the matter. Moondew

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A female reader, bigdaddysgirl1821 United States +, writes (28 February 2007):

I think that what you need to do is look past your insecurities, it's obvios that the guy likes you because if he didnt he wouldnt be with you... You need to let the past be the past, if people have let you down before, dont let those people ruin it for the new people in the future.... I used to be like this in the beginning of my relationship, but i had to get over that quick because it was destroying the relationship.... perfection has never been mastered.... perfection is over rated.... Just go with the flow hunn, keep it all real.... Deal with the present and forget the past, you can't perfect the past, but you can to make the best out of what you have now....

18 and opinionated

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007):

No. If a person is in a relationship for dependency it will always eventually end, or become abusive. Successful relationships work when both people choose freely to make a commitment to one another. They do not work when the other person "fills" something that is missing in that person. This is because people by their nature change over time. People are not rocks, they can not be used to fill a hole inside. The hole must be fixed by themselves.

Two clingy people in a relationship are really going to end up hurting each other, sooner, or later. Even a clingy person wants to feel independence. Eventually one person will feel trapped and seek more independence. The other will dislike this, and then the one seeking the independance will feel rejected and become needy again, what a mess that will be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey, I wrote this question. Thanks for the advice. Do you think two clingy people will work in a relationship?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007):

Im a GUY who is exactally like you.Which makes it doubly worse

cause it makes me feel less like a man. I do art - lots and lots of it - it keeps my mind active and helps keep me from obsessing.Try to find an interest that occupies your time and mind it really helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007):

I suffer from the exact same tendencies and my relationship is having problems right now because of it. I really like this guy and I think it's natural to want to spend heaps of time with him, but I forget sometimes that he has family, work and friends that deserve some of his time too. To try and work on my "neediness" I've been spending more time with friends, doing things I love and remembering what I used to be like before he was in the picture.

I think guys find it sexy when we can show that we are independent and can stand on our own two feet. Maybe give him a bit of space and a bit of a chance to miss you - absence does make the heart grow fonder, after all.

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A female reader, lovehelpplz +, writes (3 January 2007):

i also have the same problem. i just feel like i always need to talk to my boyfriend. i feel if i dont see him or talk to him for a couple days that he doesnt love me. i try so hard to fix it, but it just keeps on coming up. we get into arguments all the time about this problem. i just don't know what to do. he gets upset at me if i ask him to hang out after hanging out 3 days ago. it has been going on for a while. i just need help. i love him to death, and i dont want to be needy anymore. PLEASE HELP ME!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006):

Wow, I dont have any good tips, but I am going through the EXACT same thing. I know how it feels, hun. I hate it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006):

ohh sorry I did not see you were a female plz forgive me and I really would like to hear what people told you and what your results were thanks again

~Frank

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thamk you so much everyone for helping me. I really appreciate it. I will take your advise and apply it to my life. Thakns alot!

But I do try to stop myself from being clingy. I really do try hard not to look desperate. Like stopping myself from calling or texting or stopping myself from saying something. You know like saying something mushy or calling just to say hi... things like that. But when I do that it just feels like I'm hiding my true feelings. Like I'm holding back on loving the person fully. I constantly give my love hoping that I'll get constant love back and the person just can't keep up.

And also when someone disappoints me I get really deeply hurt and I never forget it and when I try not to let it get to me and overlook the 'wrong' action that the person did, and just say to myself "Get over it. You're being too sensitive, it's not a big deal"... I just feel like I'm settling for less with someone who doesn't love me as much as I love them. Because a lot of the time I would never let them down so I don't understand why they would do it to me.

Maybe I should see a councelor? But thanks again everyone. You've all been a really great help to me. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006):

Hi the feelings of neediness your having,

most of us feel from time to time they are normal especially when people disapoint and hurt us but Its a problem when it changes how you feel about yourself

it sounds like you've just got to a point where your afraid of anymore hurt so you feel you need to hold onto people but you honestly dont you just need your self esteam back that you have lost over the years from past pain,

I think the way to regain this is to learn to love yourself and become your own best friend because from time to time people although they may not mean to are going to let us down they may return they may not but as you grow and change if you can learn to still be happy no matter what you shall find happieness with life.

I know your sensitive so Im I still but Im a lot stronger then I was this is due to the hard times I faced So you will live and learn as long as you dont let these times make you depressed insted let them make you stronger then I belive then you will find more love then you could ever dream of because people love people who love themselfs(not in a arrogant way) But love themselfs as people and belive in what they are saying and you wont have to hold onto anyone they'll wont to stay cos you enhance there life just by being you!

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (16 October 2006):

eddie agony auntI might add, when people are accustomed to be let down by others, sometimes they get so used to it that they crave it. It kind of fills their expectations of " nobody wants me..poor me" IT can become an addiction type thing. Don't fall into that group.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (16 October 2006):

eddie agony auntYou have to figure out why you're this way. It's not a characteristic that will serve you wel over the long run. At first it seems like the relationship is bigger than life itself. It actually does seem that way in the beginning. The truth is you have to develop a sense of self worth. That helps you realize you don't need constant reassurance because with or without it, you are valid.

Talk to a therapist to find out why you need someone else to vaildate you all the time. Of course it's nice to be noticed and made to feel needed. But, relationships have many twists and turns. What will happen, and I speak from experience, is you'll start to believe that when the one you love doesn't dote on you or shower you with admiration and desire, they don't want/love you. While this may not be true, you might see it that way.

You can't rely on others to completely fill that part of your life. You have to be happy with yourself too. Being too clingy will eventually smother the other person as you'll be jealous of any attention they might happen to give to somebody else. Eventually you push the person you love most into a corner when they can't take it anymore. They can never satisfy you or live up to your unrealistic expectations for reassurance.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006):

soulsista is right, I am guessing you have a past whereby you have felt unloved. Sorry to put this so clinical, but, when most people are hurt, they have a "foundation" to fall back on. They know, ultimately, they are worthy of love and that they will return to normal after being hurt.

People who have not such a good childhood do not overcome such emotional rejection so well. But, it is possible.

You will reach an age, after having enough experience, where will you will consciously choose what you want out of life and you will be able to have that. It will happen when you no longer feel guilty or blame yourself for the way you have been mistreated, can love yourself and consequently will be able to trust and love someone. The phrase; you can't love yourself until you love yourself is right. Whether you realise it or not, you do not love yourself right now.

You seek perfection because you know you'll never get it, it's a protective mechanism that stops you from getting hurt.

You know, unconsciously, that no guy will EVER give you what you want so the moment they slip up, you have given yourself evidence and proof that he obviously doesn't love you enough and thus can blame him for the breakup, rather than yourself.

Your childhood, your relationship experiences and your age are all crucial in to how you deal with this situation.

It might be that you change over time, in years, but it may be that you need therapy. Most people would suggest some kind of therapy, but therapy takes many months, sometimes years. I'm currently training to be a hypnotherapist and study NLP neo-ericksonian therapy and would say, in my opinion, you would get signifigant positive results to make you the person you want to be within a few months provided you see a properly trained, experienced and qualified hypnotherapist that compliments it with neuro linguistic programming.

In reply to the last bit, you are normal, you are just slightly off your truth path that would enable you to be the "true" you. I have no doubt you will get through this. I am condensing this massively but a good start to change would be to stop yourself from ever making negative statements about yourself, because I suspect you are probably VERY critical of yourself. Always try and think in the positive, and not the negative. If any of this has made sense to you, PM me with more details of your situation and I'll try help best I can. All the best, ok?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006):

I agree with the other two aunts.

You need to acknowledge that needy and clingy as you are, you DON'T have to give in to it! You already know that it causes problems with boyfriends - they run away! YOU would run from a boyfriend who acted desperate, as if he couldn't live without you and constantly demanded reassurance all the time! Think about that; put yourself in that place, mentally.

You need to love and accept YOURSELF. Nobody else - no man - can fill that empty space.

You're giving yourself negative messages. Just look at what you've told us: "I am easily hurt and disappointed" I am insecure. If I don't get unconditional love, I feel empty and disappointed inside; life is not worth living.

Try replacing those with things like: I am worthwhile. I am a strong, independent woman. I can handle hurt and disappointment without being devastated. I am worthy of being loved. Keep on telling yourself this - you may not believe it at first, but gradually you may come to convince yourself that it is so. Like an actor learning to play a part. However, I do urge you to find a counsellor you can trust and feel comfortable with, so that you can have some good support in dealing with these issues!

Once you do begin to get a handle on them, your need to find "perfection" in a boyfriend will grow less, and you'll be better able to tolerate those little slips.

Good luck!

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A male reader, sunnylovegirls +, writes (16 October 2006):

sunnylovegirls agony aunthello

how are u

i love women like u and i think i was seeking some body like u

i also want some one who needs love and and wants more and never says stop

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006):

hello dear, i think im also in this situation what you have now. i also tried it hard to over come this feeling

but i tell you what it is realy really hard. what xxxsoulsistaxxx said goes touch my heart because it is really close to what hapen to me. all i can share to you is what i tried to apply to my self too. when i feel something like that, i always think' i have to accept to my self that no matter what happen' i am powerless over other human being or other people. if i want something from somebody i always think other person has their right to say yes or no and so do i. you are doing ok my dear just always think and tell to your self' you are good as you are.... and you will always will.. good luck my dear and take care always of your heart.. XXX gladyz

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (16 October 2006):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntProblems like this usually come up because of something that has happened in your past, for example, maybe you felt that everyone you loved as a child let you down or disappointed you? Or maybe they made you feel unloved at times and that they were disappointed with you?

I don't think you have too-high expectations of what love is, I just think you've been hurt in the past and need some help to overcome this. If you don't, these problems have a horrible way of rearing up again and again and ruining every good thing that ever happens to you.

Go and see a counsellor to talk over your past and get to the bottom of the reasons why you feel you need to keep people so close all the time and why everyone has to be so perfect. You do sound insecure and that you may be trying to cause big problems with small things that happen in your relationship.

Good luck

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A female reader, Evangeline  United Kingdom +, writes (16 October 2006):

Evangeline  agony auntPreventing yourself from being clingy or seeming clingy is a skill you have to learn. Some people are not clingy at all whiles others like you and me are prone to it. It is important to rememeber though that it is not an awful, life ruining thing but something you just have to learn to control for your own benefit and the benefit of others.

When you have moments where your feeling clingy it helps if there is something you can do to distract yourself from it - each person is different so i cant suggest any particular thing (and believe me it make take a couple of boyfriends to get this right, but its worth it). You really do not want to waste your time in your relationship by feeling insecure, its something that i have learnt and looking back i feel so stupid that i didnt learn it earlier.

If you feel that your feelings are extremely intense then it may help you to talk to someone about it. But please dont worry your feelings are perfectly normal, its something that you will learn to deal with and i can guarantee that you wil meet people who will not make you feel like this in the future.

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