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How do I stay strong when I tell him to get out?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 September 2013) 11 Answers - (Newest, 4 September 2013)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend doesn't work, contribute to bills, rent, groceries and he is destructive. How do I stay strong when I tell him to get out?

I met him in January of 2012 and he my first impression was not to feel like he was a very nice person. You know that feeling like there is something sinister about this person. So after a while he manipulated his way into my life. It seemed like without much effort. I had just been through a difficult relationship and he seemed to be kind and supportive saying just the right things. He ended up moving in saying he was looking for work and it was just a matter of time before things picked back up. He is a roofer by trade. So he begins to exhibit these unsettling behaviors. Telling women he is on the phone with that he is at a friends house and the next thing he says is don't worry about it. Just a friend. So I am just a friend I said and he says. Oh stop.... I just tell her that. Then the secretive phone/computer behavior starts. I begin to become increasingly insecure but if I bring that up I'm being stupid and he leaves. So it escalates more and more. I become more and more depressed. I kicked him out for being so secretive and never acting like he is in a relationship. He gets angry and says I ruined his life etc. A month goes by and he starts acting kind and nice and without actually saying he is moving back in works his way back in by basically never leaving. In August I got into an argument and he leaves to get my kindle out if his car but he never returned. After countless calls and attempts I get a text saying I'm at this Campbell inn and room whatever it was. So he knew I had to he at work at 4 but I changed the schedule and showed up there about 405. Find some woman in there who is just " a friend" so I left angry as hell and took the tire off his bike that was in the back of his truck. His bike is his baby. I go to work. Devastated. I call the motel room and # is busy for hours. She calls me about 8:30 and says did I take the tire off his bike etc... I told her to shove it up her .... So he says she was only there for ***** but I don't buy it. I actually made him make a choice like I should have even given him the opportunity. I know. But I thought I loved him. So it only got worse and it only became one woman after another that he betrays me with. But he never ever cheated on me. Ever. Is there anyway I got this all wrong He blames me and says I drove him to say the things he has said. Or they were just jokes when he told another woman he needs pussy. Ot when he tells some "friend" of his from way back whenever he loves her. Offers her money if she needs it or gets in a bind. Since he is doing good....that was a surprise to me because he certainly never offered me money. And when I would get to the point where I blew up about his lack of contribution. He says well you never ask. I didn't know I needed to and I think now funny this broad didnt need to ask. So then he went to New York because his father passed away. He is in an area where he says he can't get a signal and I need to go on yahoo messenger if I need to get in touch with him. So the first 2 days he contacts me regularly but then the distance occurs and I see that there is posts on this friends Facebook About their activities. But he blocked me because be is show as offline to me but I can see that he is actually online because of her posts. So to add insult to injury. He ends up calling me because be needs money. Well I lost it and he actually said I'm a b***ch and how can I do this to him right now so now I resent him and am unable to comprehend how someone that treats someone the way he has can still to this day suggest that he hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't understand why I'm so mean.

View related questions: at work, cheated on me, depressed, facebook, insecure, money, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 September 2013):

It takes brutal honesty to reach inside the soul, my dear.

I have your best interest at heart. Your past traumas and what lead up to who you are today, are the trials and tribulations that molded your character. Succumbing to weakness is really giving up. God gave you life as a gift.

You fight to keep it.

"Harsh" is the word. It is meant to stir and motivate you. If you run a company, you know "weak" doesn't cut it.

We are all human. At some point in our life-time; we all will face similar, if not exact, experiences. They all fall under the term "human experience."

The "past" is gone. You lived through it. Now what are you doing in the present? Do you look forward to your future?

Then prepare for it.

Eliminate anything, or anyone, who destroys the spirit, and clouds the future.

I don't allow the women I know to whine and submit to men who beat them to the ground. I don't allow the guys I know to bow to women who emasculate and suck the life out of them. I urge them to save themselves. If you're an adult with a sense of reason, then use it dammit!

I've fought my own battles. Often lost. I was blessed to have people who looked out for me, and I have beliefs that always give me hope. I listen to wisdom, and I pass it on.

I've been knocked down lots of times in my life. Once I realize I'm not dead, I stand up and walk away. I can't always find an answer; but I don't give up looking. I just want to be happy, and I want to see the same for others.

I don't feed adults with a baby-spoon. I hand it to them on a plate; and leave it up to them to eat or toss it away.

Everyone doesn't require counseling. Counseling is only effective if you accept the truth. You can pay someone to listen to you, but YOU have to do all the work.

How do people survive without the money to seek counseling?

There isn't a pill or cure for every trauma we face in life.

They realize life isn't easy, and chose the path that leads them either to salvation, or to ruin. We all have the same choices; but not always the same advantages.

So you compensate for what you lack by drawing from your inner-strength, seeking help when you need it, and own responsibility for the choices we make. No excuses.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (3 September 2013):

Tisha-1 agony auntIf you run a company worth 8 million dollars, then you can afford counseling. Go to your doctor and get a referral. Life's too short to live in that kind of pain. Go get some real help. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To "WiseOwlE" a little harsh it seems at first, however, as I let it sink in I realize that you are precise, blunt and it anything else brutally honest. I must say that you haven't walked in my shoes so don't know my childhood nor my traumas. In spite of them I am alive today. I fear rejection. My own family rejected me after torturing me. I never had any counseling so yes I am not skilled on how to be above the bs. How to walk away. It's almost normal for me. Sometimes I don't know if I can even take anymore of this life then I remind myself, my daughter, wise beyond her years. If it wasnt for her and my love for God I would have given up and given in a long time ago. Perhaps God is strengthening my soul. For what I don't know but I know I can keep going. Only through Him. I am weak and I don't pick good men. You were dead on. I am afraid and unsure. Can you believe I run a 8 million a year company. Me. Crumbling under the pressures of life and work. And I do nothing. Thank you for your post

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 September 2013):

Honeypie agony auntREAD the answers you got on here. It's not like you don't know what to do and you do it, but then because you somehow LOVE all this dysfunctional drama (yes, I think you LOVE it) or you wouldn't keep taking him back after he walks all over you.

YOU are getting something out of this YOU need to figure out what and why.

This isn't ALL him. Yes, he is a douche, lazy, rude, user,abusive... BUT YOU... keep letting him into your life KNOWING what he is. What does that make you?

Haven't you figured out by now that you CAN NOT change a man by LOVING him?

Had you been in your 20's I could see this pattern happening because you don't know better.. but .. in your 40's you know better.

After you pack his shit and put it outside, you change the lock and you go NO CONTACT. You BLOCK his number, you un-friend him, if he calls you from another number you hang up, don't give him an inch.

He isn't the MAN you want him to be, nor will he ever BE that man. So stop wasting your time on him when you could find someone who isn't a total loser.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 September 2013):

Are you just venting, or do you really want advice?

There is a pattern of kicking him out, and all he has to do is make you jealous, by telling you that he's with another woman. Then, you just take him back. He sweet-talks you after pouring a bucket of dog poop over your head; and you're putty in his hands.

Women who repeatedly take loser boyfriends back over and over, don't listen to advice. They normally need a sympathetic ear, and a shoulder to cry on. If he hasn't called or messaged for a few days; oh, suddenly you grow some false-courage. You now want to throw him out again.

Well, this time has to be the grand finale.

How do you repeatedly knuckle under so easily to such a piece of sh*t for a man? That is the question, my dear?

When we mature past the age of 40, our gray hair signifies our survival through many battles; and successfully over-coming a life-time of obstacles. We grow wise, and have a right to walk with dignity. You're not yet defeated, you have too many years and battles ahead.

In all of your adult life, what have you learned about being with that type of man?

Do you not have enough battle-scars from this crap, that you don't already know how to be strong? You let a fool stand in your presence, and condescendingly talk total bullshit wrapped in cotton-candy, and you just fold and let him stay. Seriously, woman!?

What can anyone say, that would help you to get fed-up enough to just not take it anymore? Isn't his blatant disrespect for you and mooching enough?

You've come to the right guy, here.

If he has taken any of your property, file a police report and find your receipt for the property. Take inventory to make sure nothing else is missing that you may easily overlook for lack of usage. Take phone pics of all your electronics and precious jewelry. Pack all his belongings and send him a certified letter wherever he is; giving him notice to come and pick up all his belongings and telling him you want him out of your home permanently. Also inform him that you will immediately call the police if he sets foot on your property once he gets his sh*t.

If he threatens you, get a baseball bat and a restraining order.

You are legally responsible for his property until he arrives to pick it up. Or, you can drop it off at the police station when you file a report for your missing property. Don't play any stupid games with him. With all due respect, you're too old for that.

Block your phone, block him from your feed on Facebook.

Call your ugliest and meanest male-relative (or friend) to be present when he comes to get his junk, if he left any.

Then join a women's support group to teach you how to stand up to assholes. You don't have to become a hater or male-basher. Don't become an "emascultor!" Take responsibility for making bad choices. Don't blame our gender; because you like the wrong kind of guy.

You have to upgrade your self-esteem, tweak your self-confidence; and learn to live without a man; if you don't know how to pick one. Next time, listen to your mother.

This is a gay man telling you like it is, sister. I have several sisters, straight lady-friends, and not one within calling-distance is afraid to ask for my advice. Even my male-friends (gay or straight) listen; because they know I'll give them an unbiased straight-up opinion, if they come to me. I'm passing on all I had to learn. When I go to church, I thank and praise the Lord. Not beg for His mercy!

Now a little hard-love. You're a mature woman over 40. You feel your options are limited by age, and maybe a few character lines, or one or two extra pounds. Maybe you're thin as a rail, and you sag where you use to bounce.

It's better to be a conceited boy-chasing "cougar;" than a clingy whiny middle-aged doormat for losers. You don't have to settle for male trash; because older guys are chasing little girls like fat old pedophiles. You look up, not down, when you date men.

I once over-heard a female colleague with an MBA, telling another older woman; "it's better to have a b*stard, than no man at all."

Two years later, she was hospitalized for a severe anxiety-attack while on the job. Over a man she was trying to divorce. She made more money; but he had a better lawyer. His sister was their landlady. He put her out.

Think she learned her lesson? She recovered and moved up the ladder; but the company transferred her to another location, to save her from her own office-scandal.

No one deserves to be traumatized, degraded, humiliated, and destroyed by someone they opened their hearts to.

When you see you're getting a raw deal, you kick him to the curb, and take it as a lesson learned. You're a big girl now, and no one forced that guy into your life. You invited him in, madame. If you haven't alienated every other good man in your life; if you need backup, invite him over to help you put out the trash. Then change the locks and get home security.

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A male reader, mathguy United States +, writes (3 September 2013):

As someone who escaped an abusive relationship this summer, let me give you some advice: if at all possible, do _not_ break up with him when he is inside your apartment. I made that mistake myself, and she refused to leave. In fact, she blocked exits, pushed my phone out of my hands, and even held my car door open so that I could not shut it and leave. Finally, I had to call the police to get her to leave.

Break up with him in a neutral location if possible (e.g., go out to dinner with him and do not let him back). Pack up his belongings for him and place them outside your apartment.

If you own a house or your lease allows you to do so, then buy new locks and change them immediately . Otherwise, explain your situation to your landlord very soon and ask for permission to change the lock; they will likely want a copy of the key. I did change my locks, but unfortunately she still forcefully broke into my apartment by shattering the glass; this will probably not happen to you, but if you come back to see that your apartment's window or door has been broken, then do not touch anything and have the police dust for fingerprints as soon as possible so you can press charges.

You should also change your phone number so that he cannot harass you by either voice or text. He might call you at any hour of the day or night to make you feel guilty or try to get back together with you. I was awakened by several dozen phone calls--one after another--from my ex-girlfriend at 3 AM. Change your phone number so that this does not happen.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, keep a phone handy in case you have to call the police in an emergency, and if things get dangerous, call them immediately. (That was difficult for me: I cared about her and could not get myself to call the police for hours when I should have earlier.)

Now let me tell you what may be the hardest part for you--it definitely was for me. When you break the news to him, expect him to make you feel like a terrible person for putting him out on the street and abandoning him at such a point in his life. Expect him to promise to do better. He may even threaten to commit suicide (my ex did). You must coldly ignore everything he says.

You must not feel guilty about what you are doing and above all you must not waver from your decision: be polite but very, very firm. If it helps, then think of yourself like a robot who has been programmed to break up with him and ignore all his pleas ;). Wish him well, but tell him that he will never again be allowed to darken your doorstep under any circumstances.

After his belongings have been taken out of your apartment or house, then your relationship with him should be over forever. Never have contact with him again. This is a cause to celebrate! Hang out with friends or treat yourself to your favorite food and be proud of yourself for taking care of what you need. Remember that you will not be able to selflessly care for others fully until your own basic well-being has been satisfied.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013):

I completely understand ... I'm in the exact situation ... and trying to tell him its over but I don't because it hurts so bad ... I know your asking for help; however I just wanted to let you know your not alone ..

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom + , writes (3 September 2013):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntAs other aunts have said, you keep it short and simple. Pack up his stuff, leave it somewhere for him to collect, tell him, and then go straight on to NO CONTACT. Which is 100% commitment to yourself to distance yourself and move on.

Like you, I've struggled to listen to my gut instincts and got embroiled in messy nonsense. It's a good idea to address why you allowed all this to happen so you avoid it in the future.

It seems that you were/ are very passive, as the way you describe the progression of the relationship. Time to assert yourself (with him and also perhaps in general), build your self esteem and establish healthy boundaries.

You'll have such a huge sense of relief once he's out of your life. Use that thought to motivate you and give you the strength you need.

Take care x

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (2 September 2013):

Tisha-1 agony auntChange your locks and don't let him back in. Don't talk with him any more, you seem to succumb to his b.s. when he talks to you.

Put his stuff in bags and boxes and take it to one of his friends or family.

If you can't manage this without help then maybe you need to call in some reinforcements, like good friends and family. Or if you don't have friends or family then try this site to get some help: http://www.ndvh.org

Don't bother to try to work out why he does the things he does or says the things he says. He's got his own problems, obviously, but you are wasting your time trying to work out why he's a jerk. Let him figure it out on his own. What you need to figure out is why you can't seem to boot him from your life. Do you have a medical condition that leaves you this vulnerable?

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A female reader, Aunty Babbit United Kingdom +, writes (2 September 2013):

Aunty Babbit agony auntSorry but I speak as I find. Wake up!

This man is using you! You pay for everything, provide him with free bed and board and he treats you like rubbish, puts you down and plays around.

What the hell do you mean "how do you stay strong when you tell him to get out?"

First you pack up all his stuff, then you put it in bin bags (they're waterproof), next you put it in the front garden. You then change the locks and text or Facebook him to say his stuff is ready for collection.

You then move on with your life. You reclaim your house and your personal space and breathe a sigh of relief that this chapter of your life is over.

Your gut reaction was right, he's a nasty piece of work but sadly he managed to worm his way into your life when you were low and vulnerable, then he's systematically kept you there.

Break the chain, stand up for yourself and kick this waster to the kerb. Rubbish belongs in the gutter, right where he should be headed.

Be strong AB x

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A female reader, banditsmom1124 United States +, writes (2 September 2013):

banditsmom1124 agony auntPack his sh** up and put it on the porch! he is not on the lease so legally he can not enter on his own. if need be call the police. i know from personal experience this is going to be scary but you need to do it. if you need to have another trusted friend be around at your place for awhile. if possible change locks.

***call the police at the first sign of abuse***

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