A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(dyslexic so please excuse my spelling, punctuation etc)I was in a relationship for several years with a girl who I remain friends with now. I was not a good partner and as a consequence of my own issues and sadness in the relationship I did some inexcusable things behind my partners back such as cheating on her and viewing pornography, (I was also selfish and lazy in the context of our sex lives). Eventually I began to confess my secret and abusive behaviours to my partner which disturbed her very badly and destabalized and damaged both of us psychologically. My partner was of the view that i had a sex addiction problem and insisted that I confess any sex related memorys, thoughts, fantasies, actions past or present to her in a regime of volitional honesty. The idea was that this would help me combat my problem. This had a terrable effect on both of us, as I became hypersensatized and afraid of anything to do with sex and sexuality which, perversly, ment that I always had more and more thoughts and worrys that under a regime of volitional honesty I felt compelled to confess. As a cosequence we entered a kind of hell in which I was coming out with all my sexual thoughts, anxietys and guilt, (as she had demanded), in what became a cycle of trauma for us both. I have outlined the above in order to give some idea of the context in which the following event occured, she was and is I believe a good and very moral person.On one occasion my girlfriend insisted that I show her examples of porn I had been viewing on line, this was something I did not want to do because I was ashamed of the fact that I would become aroused by it and scared of her reaction given her views on pornography. Whilst I find it difficult to remember all the detail of the event (several years ago now), I know I comunicated my unwillingness clearly. However, in responce to her insistance, and becouse I felt so moraly bancrupt and worthless, I submitted to her wishes. She isisted that I expose my erection whilst she proceeded to educate me as to why what I was looking at was so wrong and that the women were being terrably abused (again, I said no but submitted because she insisted). She then insisted that I continue to watch the porn whilst she started to stimulate me with her hand (leading to oral sex), whilst ridiculing me and condeming the way sex in pornography was portrayed and asking me if this was what I wanted from sex. I had tryed to stop things at several points during this excalation of events and had said no. I find it very confusing however, because I was experiencing it on two levels at the same time. On the one hand I was scared, very disturbed and had expressed that I did not wanted it to happen (becouse I felt it was messed up, abusive and damaging to both of us), whilst on the other hand I was very aroused and turned on by the event, and on that level was probably going a long with it willingly. I dont know how to seperate out the issues in play here and come to terms with it. It is important for me to come to terms with it becouse it is affecting the way that I relate to her now. I am unable to talk to her about this as it would reactivate all kinds of trauma for both of us. I know it is something she would be deeply ashamed of and that the event happened when she herself was very messed up, traumetized and making bad choices. I just want to silence the issue in my own mind and forget about it. I hope someone might have some insights that will help me understand and deal with these events.[mod note: poster's original title suggested he may have felt sexually assaulted by his girlfriend]
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erection, her ex, oral sex, porn, sex addict Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (15 October 2009):
 I agree with Gina wholeheartedly. Your girlfriend’s decision to ‘treat’ you was a poor one and motivated by her own pain. It sounds like you have some issues to sort and the person most likely to give you that objective perspective is a therapist. Maybe a few sessions would be enough to get you on the right path.
This CBT (normally Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but in this case more like Cock and Ball Torture) was both sadistic (for you) and masochistic (for her) in my opinion and I think she could use some therapy herself. As for the cheating and any residual guilt you may feel over it, I’d say she’s gotten her pound of flesh.
If this were truly about clearing the air, your girlfriend would have asked about the affairs, the women you had them with, how you felt about them, what you did with them, how they compared with her, how long it had been going on, where your encounters were, and if anyone else knew. Those are the normal types of questions asked. Whether or not you answer all of them is another matter, but THIS is what is on the mind of a partner who has been cheated on.
And if she were truly offended by the porn she would have outright prohibited it (something rather ballsy for one adult to try with another, but whatever). She would NOT have pressed you to watch while performing oral sex on you. What exactly was she hoping to ‘teach’ you with her mouth full? This woman sounds more like a sex offender than a friend.
This whole sham was not about clearing the air, helping you overcome a sex addiction, nor about healing old wounds. It was about shaming and humiliating you.
If you do indeed feel traumatised by this event, then as I suggested earlier, see a therapist, read books on the subject, online articles and keep a personal journal. You can download OpenOffice.org. It’s a free open source software similar to Microsoft Word, but this one allows you to password protect documents.
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (15 October 2009):
 Firstly if you were suffering from sex addiction the way she went about trying to decipher that was wrong.
For one she would not have asked you to view porn then go on to stimulate you?
She to me was trying to humiliate you not help you.
I think your own problems have stemmed from past cheating and possibly viewing certain porn.
She has made you think about what you were doing as wrong because her views on it are not the same as yours.
I also think you are confused as to what is acceptable for you because of the way she has ridiculed you.
Probably the best way to silence the issues is to make sure she never ever gets the chance to do this to you again, and keep her at arms length as they say.
Gina
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