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How do I shake this guy and stop this cycle?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2014)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

So I met this guy at a party and I flirted with him a lot, talked to him most of the night but I didn't make out with him or anything. I think I mostly played with his hair and may have rubbed his leg a few times but I mostly kept my distance. I tried to get up a few times and talk to other people but he was pretty much guled to my butt.

I got annoyed and tried to go home but he gave me a ride and my roommates encouraged it since they ddin't want to go home! I couldn't get him to leave me alone and he even joineed me in the shower! I was kind of drunk but he wouldn't listen when I told him to get out and let me get clean. We ended up making out and I said I just wanted to go to bed. He said he was drunker than he thought and needed to stay over and started off on the couch but then my roommates came home and he claimed they were too loud so he got into MY bed with me.

He kept groping me and I didn't get any sleep and I kept asking him to stop it and he kept shushing me. I finally got up and slept on the couch. Obviously, not well. I told my roommates how annoyed I was and they basically told me that I started the whole thing and that I had to be stronger in saying no and that I needed to stop being so flirty with guys because I always got myself into situations like this because I never learn. (This does happen a lot, or something similar in that I flirt with a guy and they refuse to leave me alone. Or, I go out a few times and it's assumed we're dating and it takes MONTHS for him to take "you're being dumped" for an answer since I can't come up with anything better than "I don't want a boyfriend")

When I came back from work, he was still sitting there playing video games with my roommates and had eaten up half of my food and basically only left to get more clothes. I said I wanted to talk to him privately to tell him he has WAY overstayed his welcome but he started immediately trying to make out with me and I had to shove him away and when I loudly protested, he got mad at me and asked when we were going to finish what we started!

I came out and finally told him in front of my roommates that I really needed him to leave because I needed space and my roommates said he was just fine. So now I don't feel comfortable in my own apartment! When I tried to say something to my closest friend, she said I got myself into it and need to get myself out. And that she was done feeling sorry for me because I bring it on myself

Tell me what I need to do to get rid of the guy and how I keep getting into this? I do not dress sexually, I don't talk about my sex life with strangers, I don't even really like sex and making out, but I am very open mindend and accepting and I like leaerning about what OTHER people do but I'm personally not interested.

I just want to flirt (verbally) and get affectionate but that's IT! I wouldn't even call them "dates" when I did go out with guys a few times, I called them activities, like going to dinner at a cheap restaurant or going to a museum or walking around a park or something. I honestly thought I was making a new friend and was very annoyed when the guy assumed we were dating - especially since I insisted on paying my OWN way and tried my hardest to keep it public! What point do you say, "I'm only flirting to have fun, I don't expect to see you again." or "I'm only hanging out as friends" ? How do other people do that?

View related questions: cheap, drunk, flirt, roommate, sex life, video games

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

1) That guy, drunk or not, was an asshole. He had NO business getting into the shower with you. He had NO business getting into bed with you and groping you. And I think "drunker than he thought" was an excuse to stay over. If he KNEW he was that drunk, he shouldn't have driven you home. Period. And "finish what you started"? Asshole. Point.Blank. However, he wanted sex from the get-go, the part where he was glued to your butt all whenever you tried to leave should have told you that.

2) You friends are assholes too. Yes, I'm sure they're sick of seeing you get into the same situation over and over, but teaching you a lesson by allowing a DRUNK STRANGER to drive you home and encouraging him to stay after you told him to leave? Assholes. At least ONE of them should have gone home WITH you. What happened to the buddy system?

3) I have no idea how much you drank, but please don't. Not for awhile. Not unless it's ONE bottle or can that YOU opened and SIP it, drink water afterward. You need your wits about you. Make sure at LEAST one (true) friend is going to stay just as sober and walk home WITH you when you want to go home and do the same for her (emphasis on the HER). If this is not possible, don't go to the party.

4) VERBALLY flirting is fine, but HANDS OFF. It's perfectly OK to want to only make out and there is NO REASON for ANY MAN to not respect "NO" at ANY point. However, it's a LOT easier if you say "no" firmly and earlier in the game. If you're making out and he puts your hand on his crotch, remove it, stop kissing him, look him dead in the eyes and say, "NO!" If he says anything outside of, "OK" or "sorry", leave the room. If you just met him, do NOT go anywhere alone with him at all. Period. This is for YOUR safety. You can still flirt and have fun that way, trust me.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 July 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say yo uare ONE very lucky girl. THIS guy could have easily raped you. And guess who would be "blamed" for that? YOU would.

Why invite him inside?

WHY was he giving you a ride if he was THAT drunk?

WHY did you take a shower with him there? That makes no sense. You tell a guy to GO home. THEN once he is gone you can shower all you want.

Your friend said he could go sleep with you? WHAT is wrong with your room mate?

YOU really need to grow a SET of ovaries. And LEARN to say no and mean it.

And really. WATCH the games you play. YOU are playing with fire and then pulls a "whaaaat just happened?"

I'm NOT saying that you can't flirt, but if you CAN NOT say no, then you need to quit flirting til you can.

As for making friends, I think women can be friend with guys and there is not a sexual component to these friendships - I have always had more male than female friends. BUT it has been PRETTY clear from the get go that hanging out was AS friends only or in groups. I'm not sure with you being "not so good" at telling people no, or I'm not interested, that you should try and make male friends right now. YOU want some friends, make friends with girls. OR keep it FLIRT FREE - no affectionate rubbing or tugging or tickling or whatever.

Learn from this and thank your lucky star that he wasn't a total asshole.

Please stay safe from now on. And DO NOT get in a car with strangers again. Specially not one who "might" be drunk.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

I agree with everyone here. Despite your age, you sound terribly naïve and easy to take advantage of. Did you have guy-friends in high school? How long did you know them before you became friends? How supervised were you? How often did you date if at all? What role did you play (one of the guys, little sister, what?) It's possible that the guys liked you but never pursued you because they were intimidated or too shy or dating someone else. It's hard for me to explain why, but I'm getting the impression that you were a "good girl" and that you're trying to branch out but you're going overboard and you're inexperienced in that aspect. Am I on the mark? I'm not trying to be insulting here, just asking so I can get some background.

Here's what I'm thinking: most of the time, when a girl approaches a guy or visa versa, he usually isn't thinking, "Wow, she seems like a good conversationalist", he's probably trying to date (and hopefully sleep with) her later. Yes, guys and girls CAN be just friends, but this usually happens over time. instant friends with guys OR girls generally only happens in the movies or books. It's gradual. You find things YOU like to do or are interested in, meet people there, and maybe hang in GROUPS. THEN, if you find people you have MORE in common with, you can hang out in groups or one-on-one. That's where you have to be careful not to cross the line. It's easy for misunderstandings to happen all the time, especially when you over-flirt like it seems like you do. Since you are paying your own way and not bringing up sexual things, I'm not sure what to tell you.

As far as flirting goes, I'm not so sure you know HOW to flirt. It sounds like what you really want to do is just talk. But everyone is right: keep your hands to yourself, keep yourself at arms length and keep the conversation to shorter than 20 minutes and mingle a little! An all night conversation and then ditching the guy is absolutely sending the wrong message! If someone asks if you have a boyfriend, whoever said, "I'm not looking" is dead-on. that's the PERFECT response. If someone comes at you like they're going to get physical (you HAVE to know what that looks like), move it back a little, put your hands up, it's called BODY language. And for goodness sake, do NOT go anywhere ALONE with a guy AT ALL. Don't get into a car with a guy you don't know, sober or not. I don't want to get funny, but remember all that stranger-danger advice from kindergarten? Still applies in adult hood. Actually, it would be good if you would google "how to avoid stranger rape" and "how to avoid acquaintance rape" because that would do you a LOT of good.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

OP here

OK, I guess I am leading guys on and coming on too strong but even if I do keep my hands to myself, how do I give the wrong impression if I'm just talking to guys?

WISEOWL OK, Yeah, I like the affection, but I am a virgin and I really don't like sex at all but I don't know how to say I only want to keep it at making out and I really did only think that he would just give me a ride and my friends didn't want to go home yet so I was stuck and I was trying to get away. I will keep my hands to myself from now on though and I won't drink anymore.

MARK1978 I didn't know he was that drunk because I was a little drunk myself but if I don't drink, I'll know better. I don't always do that to guys when I want to be friends. I mean sometimes I'll have a guy I hang out with in groups and then we'll go to a restaurant or a movie and the next thing I know we're dating and I'm like ... waaaaaaait ... I thought we were just friends? When do I know when it's going "that" way?

Anon #1 That's a LOT of advise, but it makes sense, I will ask my friends for a safety word and they are being bitchy by not helping me get the guy away from me, they flirt all the time and that never happens to them at all. Maybe I really don't know how to flirt like they do. It seems they can get away with whatever and I can't for some reason

Anon #2 I totally did apologize to the guy like that and he was pretty mad but he left after that and my friends asked if I learned my lesson and I asked how they flirt and all that and they said I'm one of those peole who can't do that because I'm too innocent, whatever that means

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

There is little we can say that your roommates haven't told you already. You don't say NO firmly. You like the attention; and you also like being pursued. You tease and play around with guys, and get more than you bargain for.

Your roommates were teaching you a lesson about bringing men home; and then unable to get rid of them.

You DO know how to ditch them; but you don't; because you feed on the attention. You have a touch of narcissism in you. You like the fact they're begging, and following you like hungry puppies.

I recommend that you don't get too touchy-feely with men at parties; and in drinking situations. If you don't want to be followed, excuse yourself; and tell them you're going to mingle about. If he follows, once again...excuse me? Puzzled look?! That will let them know you don't wish to be followed, and your chat with them has ended.

If you flirt and walk away. You'll leave things open-ended, and they'll follow you all-night. You have had enough examples and experiences to know what I've said is true.

Listen to your roommates. They've given you the best advice anyone here could give you. Stop flirting and leading men on. DO NOT bring them home, if you want rid of them.

Get yourself out of whatever you get yourself into.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHi,

Op im sorry but you are causing a lot of this yourself. Im going to give you some home truths because I think you need them.

Firstly - you let this guy give you a ride home and he subsequently admitted to being drunk? If he drive you home under the influence then you put yourself at huge risk. Don't ever get into a vehicle with someone who has been drinking. Never. Not only is it a danger to yourself and others, but shows he is selfish and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. No excuses. If your flat mates ENCOURAGED you to get a lift home with him knowing he had been drinking then maybe you need to consider how much your flatmates actually care about you and how mature and sensible you are all being right now.

You need to learn to set boundaries. Take this guy you talk about as an example - you let this guy drive you home when you wasn't interested, let him join you in the shower, then you let him join you in bed??? He was grouping you and you did what? Lay there hoping he would stop?? Wondering if he would leave? Then you go out and come back and he is still there eating your food?

Op im so sorry but you are way too soft, to willing to accommodate and clearly not setting boundaries. You need to start making it clear to people that You are in charge of your own life, don't hand over control to any tom, dick or harry!

The mistakes you are making is to allow far too much and putting yourself in a position where you are trying to get rid of a guy who has showered with you, got into bed with you and groped you and therefore thinks you are up for something you most certainly are not. What were you thinking allowing him into your home, your shower and your bed? He could have raped you of goodness sake. Especially as he was drunk.

Its not actually hard to get rid of someone. But it is if you get naked in the shower while he is in the room with you or lie in bed hoping he will remove himself from lying next to you, or go out to work and leave them lying in your bed or eating food from your fridge.

Set boundaries...don't go home with men and certainly don't allow them to come home with you unless you want sex. What your flatmates want or feel doesn't count for jack, especially as they seem so naïve and immature themselves. You have to look after yourself as your friends are happy for you to be at risk!

You ask:

"What point do you say, "I'm only flirting to have fun, I don't expect to see you again." or "I'm only hanging out as friends" ? How do other people do that?"

That should not need saying. And there is no point saying it when a guy is lying in your bed touching you!!! Dont flirt unless you want something from it as flirting, stroking a mans hair and touching his leg is a come on, a sign you are interested. To then say "sorry just amusing myself and not actually interested in you" is very difficult when you act in a way that suggests you are keen.

Don't play with men's hair and stroke their legs if you don't want them to pester you for sex. flirting is one thing, touching them up, allowing them to touch you and allowing a drunken man into your home and bed is quite another.

" I honestly thought I was making a new friend and was very annoyed when the guy assumed we were dating "

Op you are being naïve. It was clear he wanted to sleep with you and you gave him the impression you were okay with that to some extent. He didn't assume you were dating, he tried to take advantage of the fact you were too willing to co-operate to get laid.

Mark

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

You shake the guy by being honest with him. You say, "Michael, I have to be honest. I was drunk and acted stupidly. I led you on by flirting and messing around. I had not interest in having sex or forming a relstionship and I was wrong. I am sorry. You have every right to be angry and hurt." Leave it at that, accept the consequences and take it as a lesson learned. Stop flirting with strangers, keep your hands to yourself, and leave the booze alone. As for having guy friends accidentally turn into boyfriends try sticking with group activities, that's not really your fault but if it happens a lot, maybe you come on too strong or maybe you're not really tomboy enough to be "just friends" with guys. Your friends sound really kind of mean but they're probably sick of hearing you complaining.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

First of all, that guy is TOTALLY being an asshole, and your "friends" and roommates are too! You already made it crystal clear that you were NOT interested and they are not listening or being sympathetic! Did you tell your roommates/friends that he got into the shower with you? Any guy who wants to "finish what you started" after you said NO is an asshole.

However, you DO have some responsibility and your friend has a point that you are putting yourself into this situation (and I think you know this) and that you KNOW you need to stop the cycle. I realize that you want to just have male-female friendships and that you just want innocent flirting. The problem is, I don't think you know how to do that.

I've had that problem before, and when you are very young, it's easy to land in that position. You did right by trying to get up and talk to other people, but the guy was glued to your butt, that happens a lot, right? There are three things you can do to prevent this: a) DON"T DRINK you are underage anyway, and you can have fun without that. You already know that alcohol messes up your inhibitions and you aren't thinking clearly. b) HANDS OFF unless you are shaking hands hello, or hugging goodbye (and a quick sideways hug is good enough for someone you just met), that's ALL the touching necessary, you know damn well you're probably turning the guy on and you don't want that c) tell your friends that if a guy seems to be following you (and check in with them once in awhile), using a "safety word" such as "where's the bathroom", have them help pull you away or redirect him so he WON'T be glued to your butt. Do this BEFORE the party. Additionally, if they are TRUE friends, whether they want to stay or not, they WILL leave with you if you want to leave. And YOU will leave with THEM if THEY want to leave. It's possible that parties aren't a good idea for you.

I'm thinking that when you think you're innocently flirting, you're coming on more strong than you mean to be. I'm sure you don't dress sexually or talk about sex, but a lot of times, if you give a guy a lot of attention, talk about yourself, or keep asking about him, he thinks you're interested. Try talking about THINGS like the latest game (whatever sport) or something MOST people are interested in. If he's responding with a lot of "yeah, uh-uh, yep" chances are, he really doesn't care and is just hoping to get in your pants as "payment". Sorry to say that, but that's my experience. (Not all guys are assholes).

If you want to hang out with a guy one-on-one as friends, try someone you ALREADY hang out with in groups. And it is better if it's an activity rather than a movie or a dinner because a lot of peopole misinterpret that as a date. If you're skateboarding or playing vidoegames or pool or something, that COULD be a date, but in my experience, guys are more activity people than anything else. Not saying they aren't, but also, make sure you're going dutch or paying your own way. And watch how much time you're spending alone with him. The nicest guy in the world could get the wrong impression and get his feelings hurt.

The problem with flirting the way you are is it sounds like you just want to flirt, mess around, and disappear. That's a terrible thing to do! You're fucking with nice guy's feelings and putting yourself in a DANGEROUS position with bad guys! Please, read that sentence over and over again.

And really, your friends are NOT supportive at all if they're keeping him around after he basically sexually assaulted you. Drunk or not, he had NO business getting into the shower with you or groping you. Did you tell your roommates and "friends" that he did that?

I'd advise you for now to take a break from talking to guys at all unless you absolutely have to and to say the bare minimum. If they're strangers, avoid eye contact and consider it "business only" (as if you're placing an order in a convenience store). It may feel smotty, but it's really just safety. You are NOT obligated to get chatty wtih ANYONE. Stick with the females, really. If any guy approaches you or any girl tries to set you up with a guy, a polite, "I'm not looking" is sufficient. You're simply not ready for what you're trying to do. Meanwhile, I'd start saving up to move out on your own or with some people who respect you or treat you better and I'd do my best to keep your distance from the so-called friends.

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