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How do I say no to my niece without destroying our relationship?

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Question - (7 August 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 8 August 2017)
A female Canada age , anonymous writes:

Great site with good advice. I thank all in advance who help me out here.

My neice is an actor...kind of well known and I am looking forward to seeing her when I am in her part of the country at the end of August. I have sent her a few emails and texts...often dont get a reply them but she mentions some technical issues. She did sent me a lovely handwritten letter in January.

There is a bit of a backstory here...she has fragile mental health, has had some real issues and has had a difficult relationship with my brother who has divorced her mom and is now married to a much younger woman and has a two year old in his fifties....he has created drama which I try to sidestep.

My niece has sent me a text asking for me to invest in a film that she and her boyfriend are making. This would make me a silent producer and she has offered to sent me the script when what I would want to see is a business plan.

I know they do drugs....just concerned. At this juncture I really do not have much money to give them. They are not asking for a loan but for backing and I wish there was some other currency besides money where I could be involved in my nieces life. For me to say no in this case is poignant but I may have to. I suspect that if I decline I will not see her when I am out there but there has to be boundaries.

My question is...if I say no to her how do I do it in a way that keeps the relationship going. I am in over my head trying to sort out how to deal with this.

View related questions: divorce, drugs, money, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for these thoughtful replies. As a couple of people alluded to I am no kid. My niece is well known to the high school students I teach as an actress and I will support her in every way but my pocket book will remain closed. I have suggested stage work to her as she started as an stage actress. The theatre culture somewhat different to the film culture. These answers are excellent and thoughtful and emphasize the importance of boundaries...thank you.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (7 August 2017):

You state they want money for camera equipment. Most people in this situation - doing a single film - will rent cameras. A Sony FX7 (camera body only, no lenses), which should be plenty good for an independent production, will run about $900 for two weeks. They will need several lenses, maybe add on the same amount for that. They will also need some lighting equipment...the size of the sets determines that cost and it can vary. If they want to buy the equipment, that is much more expensive and a huge red flag! The crew cost is often little or nothing as there are loads of people who will trade work favors at no cost.

I should add that most people doing small, self-financed independent "art" films are doing them as a resume piece, placing more hope in getting director/producer/director of photography work out of them than actually selling a film. As an actress, this won't benefit your niece nearly as much as it will her boyfriend. I wonder if he is manipulating her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017):

I agree with "Been There Now Over It" 100%!!!

Read between the lines. "Silent partner???" Really?!!

Silent as in: "just shut-up and gimme the money!"

Mental-illness and drug-abuse issues??? Doesn't sound like a sound investment venture to me.

You may as well invest in a Ponzi scheme. Which is what this smells like.

Love and family-devotion isn't for sale, my dear.

If you feel the necessity to give money in order that your niece will like you; then you're enabling a scheme to help you part with your money. You also need to take another look at what real love and devotion truly is. There is no dollar sign in "love." The quickest way I know to make relatives disappear is to lend them money!

You carefully did not divulge your age. Mature and elderly people are prime targets for money scammers. They are trusting, often lonely and isolated, and quite naive.

If you're wise, you'll read all these wonderful answers and leave your money right where it is. Tell her how much you love her, and that you look forward to seeing her soon. At this time you're not able to offer her any money.

If you get an angry reply, or no response at all; that proves she only wanted the money, and nothing to do with you. Once your money is gone, you will never hear from her again; unless they need more. My guess is that they need it for drug debt.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (7 August 2017):

Regardless if the make the film or not, your money is not going back.

If you can afford it, and you really feel that it will work out even with their drug problems and mental health issues, go ahead.

If you can't afford it, or you fee that their drug use or mental health will be a problem, then don't do it.

If you want the best of the two worlds, tell them you are broke and you can contribute with only half or one fourth of what they need (and what you can pay). If the film gets done, that will be great. If it never gets completed (which usually happens with artist), you won't have lost that much money, with the upside that you can still have a relationship with your niece.

Only you have all the information and facts on what is the best decision on this, but also, don't forget that your wallet and financial stability is very important too.

Buying affection is the worst way of handling your personal relationships as it will lead you to bankruptcy .

Best luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is from the question asker. They want money for camera equipment but state of the art is what I understand it to be.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (7 August 2017):

I work in Hollywood and can tell you that it is very, very rare for these films to make any money. Have they told you how it will be marketed? The world has made and is making so many movies and television content that it is difficult to come up with something new that is good enough to sell. Adding to the problem is all the free content available thru Youtube and the like. If you give them money, you can just kiss it goodbye. Half their partnership (her boyfriend) has probably never met you and has no interest in seeing that you are paid back. And the ownership of the film's rights become tangled if they should split up and don't have an ownership agreement. If she had a good chance this this film, she could have sold it or borrowed elsewhere by now. If you niece blows you off for not supporting her film, she probably isn't that interested in you, anyway. And she's probably hit up everyone she knows, anyway, so it won't just be you who has said no.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (7 August 2017):

I work in Hollywood and can tell you that it is very, very rare for these films to make any money. Have they told you how it will be marketed? The world has made and is making so many movies and television content that it is difficult to come up with something new that is good enough to sell. Adding to the problem is all the free content available thru Youtube and the like. If you give them money, you can just kiss it goodbye. Half their partnership (her boyfriend) has probably never met you and has no interest in seeing that you are paid back. And the ownership of the film's rights become tangled if they should split up and don't have an ownership agreement. If she had a good chance this this film, she could have sold it or borrowed elsewhere by now. If you niece blows you off for not supporting her film, she probably isn't that interested in you, anyway. And she's probably hit up everyone she knows, anyway, so it won't just be you who has said no.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm with Auntie BimBim,

It's OK to say no, I don't have that kind of money. Is there anything else I can do to help?

She already has people enabling her, don't be another one of those.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017):

Do what I do when people ask me for money...I am so sorry but I am on a limited income.The money would go to drugs anyway.What if she od and die because you gave her the money?Just let her know that you have no money even if you do.If she gets mad at you it is o.k.Do not enable her drug habit.Just rember the person getting mad at you is a drug addict and if everyone enables her she will never hit rock bottom and get the help she really needs.Hopefully the rest of your family does not give her money.Maybe since the family is together you should all have an interversion for her to help her to get off drugs and into rehab.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (7 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Well, if the clause for you to have some sort of relationship with your niece is that you plunk money in some artsy-fartsy scheme, no business plan, no collaterals, no guarantees, no questions asked- that in practice means that you have to PAY her for her to be nice , or civil , to you , and in this case, I'd really really wonder if I want or need so badly to mantain a relationship with my niece.

Ok, I get it, blood is thicker than water etc. etc.- but, I mean , come on- if you don't shell out the cash which she needs ,-- then she won't even talk to you ? Well too bad for her, that's a person that you do not need to keep close to your heart.

I understand that I may have been ingenerous and that the scheme may not be artsy - fartsy after all, and , for all we know, it may end up with being a box office success to put " Star Wars " to shame. But that's not the point. The point is, that you are not a professional investor or producer, you are not brimming with cash, you are not even , from what you say , a rich person who , if she does not get her money back, can just shrug and say " Oh well, at least it was fun " - you simply can't afford to bet on such a risky bet. And any niece with an ounce of brain would understand that and take a refusal in stride. I mean, she tried her luck, ok, maybe I would have done the same in her shoes- if you never ask you never get- BUT , if her brain is not addled by drugs she would realize that you do not OWE her a yes and that she can't expect as a God given right to be allowed to endanger your financial future, so she would not burn bridges because of a " no ": if she does, it's because she never gave a fuck anyway about you or family ties and what not.

The drug thing then- none of my business, but I do hope that you do not decide to " lend " them this money. Drug users ( even just recreational drig user, I don't even mean hard core addicts ) are notoriously the worst at budgeting and handling money, and also have an ethical flexibility, and an order of priorities , that would make it almost impossible for you to see your money back. Sippose you agree that they pay you back in modest monthly installments- but that month their dealer wants to be paid for past pirchases, or even has a " special sale " with favourable prices, even if they do have money, who do you think would get it- you, or the dealer ??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017):

The answer is NO! If your continued relationship is based on you giving her money, you're better-off without her in your life.

You know she does drugs, and asking you for money is probably her boyfriend's idea. Has she asked you for money before? Is her relationship with you based on the condition you send money?

Are you so impressed she is an actor, that you feel compelled to give her whatever she wants, even if you can't afford to? If she was a good actress and so well known, she could use her own earnings. She should have connections willing to help with their project. But no, lets ask auntie!

Older people are so naive! She'll do it, if nobody else!

If they can't find investors for their project, it is likely because no one finds that project worth the risk.

You should never wager your life-savings for someone's love. When you want to visit, your requests get no reply; or excuses why you can't come. You are aware of this, yet you worry about her still liking you?

Are you serious???

Ever heard of the concept of unconditional-love, my dear?

Let her ask her mother or your brother.

"A fool and his (her) money are soon parted!"

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (7 August 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntDear Niece,

While it would be fantastic to be able to help sadly I am not financially secure sufficiently to be able to help in a monetary way. It would be great if you can suggest another way that I could help and support you in your film making venture.

Love from Aunty

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