A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35, and I am dating a divorced father of two.My family make me feel really bad because, as they have put it, this is the "best I can do" at my age because I waited too long to get into a serious relationship, and it would difficult for me to find anyone anyway. They treat him with a sort of tolerant disdain.I've tried having him and his kids around for family dinners with them so everyone can get to know one another and they seemed to regard the children the same way.This is not good for our relationship and I don't know what else to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): this really sucks. I suggest that you sit down your family (without your bf around of course) and ask them in an open but non-defensive way, why they feel this way about him.
don't defend yourself (or him) just yet, just simply ask them question after question to get them to clarify as much as they can, and to challenge their assumptions indirectly. For example:
for example they say "this is the best you can do." So you respond, "could you please be more specific? why is a divorced man less worthy than a non-divorced man? what standard or criteria are you judging him by?...how is this different from, say, racial prejudice?"
I know it will be hard to resist the urge to get defensive and angry, but I urge you to try it anyway. Keep probing deeper and deeper, getting them to explain more and more...hopefully as their words are being questioned and scrutinized by you, they will reach a point where they realize that it's hard for them to actually justify their beliefs and are forced to admit their assumptions are baseless. Of course they may not happen either. But if you can remain calm, you can then change the focus and tell them that you respect that they have different opinions and are entitled to them, you would appreciate it if they did not cram their opinions down your throat.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 This is not much left for you to do. You've tried your best, and if they still cant get themselves to like the man you're dating, then its just too bad for for your family. Just because he's a divorced man with kids, it doesn't make him a bad person. And just because you are in your 30's doesnt mean you just have to deal with the leftovers. That's not the right way of looking at things.
You're tried, its not happening, dont let it weigh so heavily on you. What really matters is, how much does this man mean to you? Do you see a future with him? Do you love him?
If you do, then go for it. One your family realizes how serious you are about him and that he really cares for you, they might come around. Right now they are just looking at him like someone who's clearly not good enough for you, but someone whom they unfortunately have to accept because you say so. Let the relationship progress and continue, I'm sure things will change for the better with time. And keep in mind (although this is going to sound like a horrible cliché!), they are behaving like this because they love you and care for you and want the best for you.
All the best, I'm sure everything will work out fine!
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Speak up and let them know that its not fine, tell them you expect them to treat your friend warmly, and with real acceptance. After that, don't expect anything to necessarily change. You can't control other people, and you can't live your life hoping for the approval of your family. My parents have disliked most of my boyfriends and still don't care much for my husband... what can you do? I decided a long time ago to just be happy and live my own life. It would be nice if your family treated him and his children better, but it should not be essential. You are an adult and the two of you will have your own life. If they are rude, just distance yourself from them. Maybe that will affect some change. Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Unfortunately you cannot change their opinions of him by forcing them to spend time together. I guess the only way you can do it is with time, and letting them see how happy he makes you.
At the end of the day, this relationship is about you and him, you do not need your families approval as long as you are happy. And when your family see that, I am sure they will come round to the idea.
Good luck!
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