A
male
age
30-35,
*alshie93
writes:I've broken up with my ex about a month ago, and its only in the aftermath of things have I realised stuff myself.A recent bit of information from my ex girlfriend and what she said about me got me thinking. Yeah, it is a biast opinion from her, but even so, if she thought that after our "messy" break up, then I really want to take it on board and change for the better.Purely for the benefit of people in the future and because I know partly the break up was our fault. I want her to see, if me and her ever talk again in the future, that I am indeed a different person. I want to change.Below is the email from her to my cousin who is her friend. I just want to see what other peoples opinion on it is and how I can use what she has said about me to change.I broke up with my last boyfriend about two months ago, he was a bit of a weirdo yeah so he had to go, he never cheated on me or anything, just he was just obsessive and weird. When I went out with him first, I didn’t realise he was quite so odd But he wasn’t very nice to me either to be honest or anyone else. Ask Kieran his friend about him, he knows him.He never hit me or anything like that he had pushed me once but he never ever hit me nopeHe was a bit of a dick, but he was a bit nice as well. I’d say about a grade A/B dick. He has apologized for being an idiot yeah, which is good, but I never wanted anyone to get involved with him being like that, beating him up wouldn’t solve anything and I wouldn’t want to see him get beat up, or anyone in that matter.He has tried to get me back, he has tried too hard. But, I don’t want him back and he knows that.He did play rugby yeah, I know he played for his county but I wasn’t too sure if he was that good or not. He was very arrogant.When we were together he did do stuff that really surprised me, but it was more bad stuff. But anyway, I don’t really want to talk about it, I don’t miss him at all, I just don’t care enough to talk about him.I’m sick of talking about him, I just really want to try and move on. He was stopping me from moving on, but I think he has gotten the message now.I know he has mentioned everything he did for me and that, but the funny thing is he never thought to mention all the shit he did as well. He clearly did wrong to write a letter of apology to me. He said he was just stupid the way he was but it didn’t change anything for me though, If things do not work out then that is reason enough.I thought that we should start texting and that again and I’d see him at lunchtimes from school and all the things he apologised for well they just started happening again and he just caused arguments and I couldn’t be doing with that.I didn’t need to see how much he liked me, he didn’t have to prove it, I knew already. Just too much happened and he never made me happy anymore, there was no point in me leading him on and me being unhappy just because he was.I know I was very important to him, but I just don’t want it anymore. It is my decision and he just needs time to heal. He will be fine. He hasn’t exactly been nice to me. My decision is my choice.The good things? Well we had a laugh and he did like me, but we argued so much and we had only been together a month. We were seeing each other for six weeks before that and we got on to begin with And then, we just found too many things to argue about, they were over stupid things and pointless.I was told that he was arrogant by people. I was told not to get with him but I never listened, I thought I would be the better person and give him a chance and I did and it didn’t work out and now it’s over. I don’t have to justify myself to anybody.People told me not to get with him and I ignored him.I have loved someone before and it is scary and it breaks your heart. I just think, nobody understands how I felt because I don’t talk about what happened. He tells people his side of the story and leaves out the parts that hurt me and it makes me look like a bitch and he hurt me and tore us apart. It is irreparable and it makes little difference what people say to me.The stupid things he said to me made me feel so small and like shit. It felt like no matter what I said, he just never ever listened to me. By the end of everything, any nice things he said to me, when he called me beautiful and told me how much I meant to him they just felt like normal words to me. You cannot say hurtful things to someone you are meant to care about and then say a few words and think it is okay. It just doesn’t work like that. I told him that. And he is going to make someone happy one day, it just wasn’t me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Im not sure if I can understand what you mean by everything in your follow-up, you're not giving clear cut examples. However, having this girl back sounds like a bad idea. You coming on here wanting to change is far away from actually changing, and for now it sounds like you are only in the process of figuring out what you did wrong. In addition to that you are still so young, you are bound to make mistakes, and I won't expect you to be at the maturity level of a grown adult man. Seeking that level is good, but you wont end up like that over night. It takes years and life experience. So you saying you know you can change remains to be seen, and you will have to be patient with yourself as well, and not put too high expectations on yourself.
Step one like I said would be to figure out what you feel you did wrong. In your update you don't really say you did anything wrong at all! If you feel you've done nothing wrong and can be excused for all your actions, then there's nothing to improve. You'll have to admit to yourself what mistakes you did before you get anywhere.
"As for the hurtful things, I never said things that the majority of boys say to their other halves these days." That doesn't mean anything, even if you think the majority of guys treat their girlfriends badly (although I hope it's a minority, not majority) it doesn't excuse you saying anything bad or treating her bad at all. Your bad actions don't become nice just because someone else does worse. And then you seem to follow up the cases where you acted poorly with a "but", to justify that action. You need to decide if that action was something you should have done or not. No buts.
Then again, perhaps you didn't do anything wrong, you just weren't a good match and incompatible. Let her go. She doesn't want you back in her life, don't be stubborn and ignorant, respect that decision.
A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (13 December 2010):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the question "It would perhaps help if you would tell us how you felt about what she said, she talked about bad things you did to her, do you know what she could mean? Do you feel this is correct?"
I feel disappointed first off that I lost her. Like I'm always someone who tries their very hardest for something and I never ever like to give up on a lost cause, some call it stupid but I called it tenacious and committed.
Some of the things she said annoyed me a hell of a lot. I don't know if it makes sense but, she's there saying she knows how much I cared for her, but then surely if she knew, she would of taken it into account?
Another feeling I have is that, she is sort of always making it about her. What I mean by that is the fact that she is always talking about she feels and I know that in the past, I always thought about me, it was only with the advice of other 'aunts' that I started to empathise with her, and I only did this by taking a hefty 'slap' to the face off one of them.
I tired to picture things from her perspective and understand how she felt, but I don't think she could do the same for me. She said things such as, 'I gave him another chance' when I reality, she didn't, not one bit. She gave me twenty minutes if that, and a few texts after it. I remember asking her post-break up after she kissed me, if me and her could meet up at lunchtime alone away from her friends and just chill out and have a good laugh, but she just turned it down.
As for the hurtful things, I never said things that the majority of boys say to their other halves these days. I never called her a slut or a slag or anything like that. I do remember one time making sarcastic comments sometimes as a joke to her, once about grades in school, and I remember that upsetting her and there might've been other incidents like this, but they were all tongue in cheek sort of thing.
She was sarcastic just as much as I was, but I'm starting to think that maybe there was an extent to how serious each of us took things.
I know it sounds stupid but I use my 'arrogance' as a sort of shield. I hate disappointment and failure and I never like to show my weak side, which in matter of fact is so obvious. I do it in sport and in my studies etc.
When I was with her, I never wanted to let my guard down with her. I'd had my heart broken about 6 months before hand by a girl who I completely opened up to and she just packed up and left without saying another word, and I never heard from her again. I was worried with my ex girlfriend that if I behaved how I did last time with another girl, then I'd lose her.
I know when we were together that sometimes I behaved like a total child. Sometimes if I was with her and she wasn't in the mood for something or she just wanted to sit there doing nothing then I'd 'see my arse about it'
I know that sounds so stupid, but I just wanted the relationship to be active and loving so to speak. I'm not the most experienced with them, and I don't think she knew that. Yeah I've had my encounters with girls outside of a relationship, and its been fine, but in terms of dating and then asking the girl out, I'd only ever done that once before, so I was never sure how things ran if that makes sense?
It probably doesn't.
But basically, she isn't speaking to me, but I want her to know that I have realised all of this. She doesn't know I know she said this, my cousin let me know, but I guessed this is how she would be and act. I'm just so surprised that she has gone to not missing me or wanting that second chance so quickly. Its hurts in a wierd way, as if I never meant that much to her.
Even so, I still care about her even if I have a reserved anger towards her, and I'd love for her to see that I could take her POV into account and for her to realise that I was telling the truth about changing, because I clearly have by posting this question about how I can change.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 December 2010):
She doesn't state clearly what was the problem, other than arrogance, you didn't listen, and you were saying hurtful things. It sounds like a classic case of being self centered. I recognize a lot of what she says, I could say that about my ex as well, but then again I won't dare to say you were like my ex. The e-mail is too unspecific.
A few things that you could improve on though, if you do want to trust her words, is the listening part, and respecting your partner. It is true that you can not say a lot of shit to someone and then say a few nice words to "make up for it". It really doesn't work like that! It takes 1 comment to hurt someone, and at least 20 to repair that damage, plus a ton of time, and if you say another hurtful thing before the first wound is healed then the wound gets even larger. A few nice words don't help much then. So watch what you say, think before you speak.
When it comes to listening, this is about being able to be silent, not talk, but actively listen, and have empathy to understand and put yourself in their shoes, and see things from their perspective, regardless of how you personally feel about a matter. It demands empathy though, which a self centered person will struggle with. If you are a good listener you will also encourage conversation, encourage that people talk to you about their problems, and know when to speak and when to be quiet. Interfering should never happen, interpreting a persons words should never happen. If you do not understand what the person say to you do not guess, just ask them to explain it more.
It would perhaps help if you would tell us how you felt about what she said, she talked about bad things you did to her, do you know what she could mean? Do you feel this is correct? Can you think of anything yourself that you'd like to improve, anything you have learned from the relationship?
After each relationship we learn and we mature. It is only good to bring something with you from a relationship, learning from mistakes, and improving as a person. Growing bitter is bad, but if you can come out as a better person than who you were when you went into the relationship, then I think you have achieved something great for yourself.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Ok well first of before we start with the letter your ex wrote lets start with you alone shall we. Taking a side what she has said you begin by saying that you want to change? What do you want to change about yourself and why? You are the person that you are and you should always be true to yourself and never try and change yourself. If you want to be a good person then be one, dont be rude to people, be friendly, dont be violent ect ect. We all know what good behaviour is therefore we choose ourselves how we bahave.
Ok so from your ex's letter it is obvious she was not happy with you. A month really is not a long time to date, and am guessing that you both were just not compatible. When she says that you were arrogant she could mean lots of things by this therefore only she can tell you truely what she meant. But she seems to state that you were quite rude to her sometimes and maybe shouted and called her names through arguments? Do you feel that your anger can get carried away when you are arguing with someone and that you say things that you regret later? Always remember that words hurt people and try and always hold back on being cruel.
She mentions that you were a little obssesive, did you trust her? When someone says there partner was obsessive then they mean that they werent able to breath in the relationship, did you contact her a lot and question her about things and were you always full on with her? When you first start dating someone its always good to give them some space and have time apart, dont contact them to much and dont be to over crowding.
Goodluck in the future and remember dont try and change yourself for anybody but yourself!!
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