A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I not get too attached to the new guy I'm seeing? We like all the same things to a spooky degree and we have a lot of chemistry. The only thing is his ex might be pregnant and she won't go to the drs because she is religious. Which I don't understand. So she's been saying she's pregnant for nearly two months now without any proof. But if she is pregnant he will try and make a go of it for the baby. I understand this and appreciate it is what would be best for his child but I really like him and I can imagine having a relationship with him. I guess it's hurts because this woman has hit him, put him down and generally hated everything about him.how can I not get too attached to him?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 Did he break up with her? Could this be some lie to try and get him back? He cannot force her to go to the doctors but surely her religion wouldn't stop her from being able to do a home pregnancy test? I think you need to talk to him and tell him you cannot go on like this until he resolves his past issues. It really is not fair on you to be sitting waiting and wondering. Maybe you can suggest he asks her to do a home test so that he knows if she is actually pregnant? It sounds like she is abusive and controlling and she knows that she is keeping him close by saying she is pregnant. He needs to do something about this and stop stringing you along. You sound like a very understanding person but it doesn't mean that they should be together even if she is pregnant. She is an ex for a reason and they can still both make good parents while not being in a relationship. You are already developing feelings for him so you need to sort this soon or you will be hurt. If she won't go to a doctor does that mean she won't go to scans or health checks? That to me sounds bizarre and it is making me think that she is lying to him and he is falling for it. If she is agressive towards him then I really think he needs to start thinking about his future, only he can decide what he does. The only way for you not to get to attached to him is to end it until he is sure he wants to be with you and not her. It sounds like he is not over her when he is willing to simply go back to her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 August 2018):
 I would suggest you tell him you can't see him anymore until the pregnancy thing is sorted out. And If she is pregnant I'd back far far away.
If she is not, I would really think long and hard about this guy before deciding to date him.
The thing is YOU have no way of knowing for sure if she really is pregnant (and no you don't have to go to the doctor to get a pregnancy kit - it's like $5-10 at Walgreen's and all she would have to do is pee on it.
As for her being really religious... meeh.. she was willing to have unprotected sex with him so... yeah...
She MIGHT be playing mind games with him, but the thing is with that... IF he is "willing" to "play" along and still see her JUST in case he knocked her up, then he CARES for her more than he is telling you.
My advice? Look elsewhere for a BF/male friend. If you can find ONE guy you have a lot in common with... you can find another. It's not like either of you are SO unique (no offense) that there are NO ONE else like the two of you.
So in short, I'd back away. NOW. Regardless of whether she is pregnant or not. He isn't over her and this has DRAMA written all over.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 August 2018):
 There is no religion I have ever heard of which says a woman should not to to the doctor's if she is pregnant. Most (possibly all) religions do say you should not lie or hurt others, so this woman's "excuse" for not going to get checked out by the doctor is pretty flimsy at best, and just downright manipulative at worst.
That aside, if your boyfriend is prepared to go back to her IF she is pregnant, then you need to protect yourself first and foremost. I know you feel a deep connection with him but, to all intents and purposes, he is not free.
In your shoes I would remove myself from this situation until he decides where his loyalties lie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
"Wisdom should tell you to pump the brakes."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2018): I think how things go down with the pregnancy will determine how stable any possible relationship could be. You're walking head-on into baby-mama drama; if she is actually pregnant.
Wisdom should tell you to pump the breaks. He's far too involved in his past to be available in the present. Your feelings won't change events; and you're inviting trouble with an ex into your hopeful romantic-situation.
When an ex is still in the picture; there is a 50/50 chance there is still a lot of unfinished business going on. He's in the middle, and you and that ex will be playing tug-of-war. While, as usual, he'll play the "stupid-guy in the middle" role. Trying not to offend her, and pretending to be a victim to all this. You're expected to stay calm and be understanding. You'll get pissed and tired of the bullsh*t!
She's already competing for his attention; and for the next 7 or 8 months, he is going to be preoccupied with her pregnancy. Not you! Doctor's visits, medical bills, lamaze classes (optional, but likely if it takes him away from you), pregnancy hormones, ultra-sounds; and you name it! Then comes daddy's time for bonding!
Where will there be time for you? If you're smart, you'll wait and see if this pregnancy is real; before you get too attached.
Then comes the baby, and fights over child-support, paternal-rights, visitation, and the usual baby-mama drama. She will milk-it for all it's worth. Not because she wants him; but to vindictively be a wedge in any subsequent relationship he has, because HE left HER! PREGNANT!!!
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" Nobody likes to be rejected and quickly replaced!
If you're ready for all that, then proceed.
I think you're mature enough to look at the whole picture and should be sensible enough to control your feelings.
You're going to learn eventually that just letting your feelings overrule your common-sense is going mean a lot of heartbreak; and you're going to crash into a lot of brick walls, if you don't think before you feel.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 August 2018):
 The fact that he could go back to her means he's not ready for any new relationship. People stay in abusive relationships for their own reasons. He can use the abuse as reasons to leave her but also use the baby as reason to stay with her. They have unfinished business. You are seeing only the good sides of him now. As an outsider I see a man without a backbone and boundaries which are important in relationships. There are so many contradictions here. She is a religious person. She won't have an abortion but she would be physically abusive towards him. I would say that she is using the baby as an armor against him having new relationships. She could also be lying about the pregnancy too. At two months, women are too far off to not know whether they are pregnant or not. That suspense of not knowing is her trying to waste your time so you can't have a serious relationship with him. The new guy is wasting your time too. He either wants her or a new woman. He can't use this transition period to toy with your emotions, or use you as a back up in case his ex is not really pregnant, or pregnant by some other guy (which you would only know after 10 months or later), or luckily have a miscarriage, or that she lied about the pregnancy or she wasn't pregnant at all, just had missed periods.
You and him may have common interests but most important of all, your potential boyfriend needs to have priorities and use common sense when dealing with life changing situations. Who knows maybe the new guy is lying. The surest proof of pregnancy is the pee test. Maybe he saw the positive test but denied it. Maybe the ex got so mad that he's leaving her that she hit him. Maybe he is fleeing this situation by starting a new relationship with you.
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