A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I made a choice to enter into a relationship with a married man and I am having trouble pulling myself out of this horrible loop. I am struggling with depression from dealing with the consequences of this and am looking for advice to finally move on with my life and make it into something better. I work in an industry with wealthy powerful men. Many of these men are known cheaters and I always thought their behavior was foolish and embarrassing, but my job did depend on them liking me and somehow my perspective got warped along the way. Even though I thought they were creeps, sometimes it did flatter me that they were interested in me, I'm sure because of my low self esteem. One guy in particular was relentless, and at first I was very annoyed because I felt trapped- I had to tell him to leave me alone but not in an way that would offend him because if he decided not to talk to me, it put my job at risk. I don't know how, but at some point I started to like him back, and thought if I just gave into him a little he would move on and it would fizzle out. We were working together all times of day and night many times 50 or 60 hours a week. When we first kissed everything changed and it was like I left common sense out the door and gave into everything even though I knew it was a huge risk that had the potential to blow up my life if it went wrong. The kiss turned into sex which turned into head over heels love in a few weeks. We both couldn't believe how strongly we felt in such a short time. After a couple of months I was sure that him leaving his marriage was the only way he would be happy and it would be my happy ending. We set a date where he would decide tif he was leaving for sure and then a date when he would be moved out and starting the divorce process. That time came and went- he told me that he had no problem giving his wife half of his money and supporting his family living the life they were used to- but suddenly after he met with his lawyer and financial advisor he realized things wouldn't be as simple as he thought. He told me about problems his kids were having at school and about looming health issues he was worried about. I tried to be supportive and told him that he needed to do what he thought was best and that I would be okay with what he decided. I told him I was willing to support him in any way I could and was fine dealing with my family most likely icing me out and losing my job because I loved him so much and was convinced he was the one for me. When he sent me the inevitable email ending things with me after he was supposed to be leaving his wife that weekend... my heart was broken. Somehow in a desperate state, I knew it was over but still talked to him. I think this was because I had isolated myself from friends and family and also my career was tied to him. One year later, I've been stuck in a loop with him that I am having trouble getting out of. When I stop talking to him and having sex with him, I feel so depressed and horrible I stay in my apartment crying only leaving to go to work. I end up reaching out to him for comfort from this pain and start it up again. Sometimes I think about the fact that while I'm alone and crying he is out with his family enjoying life- I get mad at him. Then he is incredibly sweet and tries to be there for me when I'm a complete mess and reach out to him. To make matters worse, my job is still tied to him, so I have to see him and talk to him while trying to cut this out. When I'm alone (which is all the time now), I wonder how I got here. When I was growing up, I never would have imagined I would be someone who somehow lost their morals. I question if I am a good person at all and if I will end up with a husband and kids of my own when I have acted like this. If I do fall in love again, how would I disclose such a horrible thing about myself? I can't even start to think about his children or his wife because it seems insane that I have been apart of something that would hurt them. The whole time I focused on the wrong things to justify my actions. Does anyone have advice on how to end this for good and pick up the pieces when I feel horrible, isolated and depressed? RIght now work is all I have and somehow I need to do this while still seeing him every day.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): I find that the best method I've ever found for self improvement is guided meditation and educating oneself. Understand that marriage is team work, and that one of the biggest things holding you back from marriage is your idea that it works similar to a typical relationship. It isn't. Some day you'll want to get married and have a loving relationship, and you'll want a sense if security that it will last for life. Something secure enough to base your goals, investments, future, everything on. And if you ever do reach that level of comfort with somebody, it will be devasting to find yourself betrayed. Some wives sincerely do not believe in divorce and will take the steps to fix their marriages. Understand that often they aren't that bad if people, just humans like everyone else, and the husband straying is what is causing the marriage to go downhill. Reflect on some of your own past failed relationships and understand how easy it is to knock one off balance. On top of that, the fighting between the two has been known to cause stress in the kids etc. You deserve a man who wants to invest a life into you. You'll feel content when you reach the level of change in which you understand the importance of doing things like the last commenter said, charity work, becoming more marriage material, and just anything you can think of to make big changes and feel better about who you are as a person. Understand that he has probably been married for a long time and would have expectations that you might not meet because you're different than the wife. The wife is fully committed to him and most people would consider that the better option. So, while he might be willing to sleep with you, he's not willing to help with anything in your goals, investments, future etc. He just lied to keep you waiting. Affairs are life changing, no matter if you're the wife, husband, or third party. Just like a death or a divorce is. It changes the betrayed spouse's outlook on people and trust. And cheaters who don't work on what caused them to cheat in the first place, but instead exit the marriage tend to have more affairs in the future. Think of it this way.. serious relationships, especially marriages, if they are going to be legit, there can't be cheating or other forms of abuse. The idea that two people are going to go through all the stages of life together, good times and bad, periods of extra arguing or working too much, do you really think there's a good excuse for him to leave his wife simply because someone else they found attractive came walking along? You can do better and be better my dear.In such cases, a job change is worth considering. Especially since an affair can't really end without no contact strongly enforced. Meditate, as I mentioned. Meditate with the pure intentions of changing your mind frame on the things that hold you back the most from being the best version of yourself that you can be today. Don't settle for guys that lie to you, don't lack empathy for betrayed spouse's who are fighting to save their marriage. You sound like a person with a lot of energy, if only you would put it towards putting good into those around you.
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (2 December 2017):
I have a friend who, a year ago, wrecked his fancy sports car when speeding at 120 miles per hour. He lived but now uses a cane to walk. He hit another car. Even though the two people in that car had been acting responsibly, they are still dealing with the lasting effects of their injuries. My friend knows he was foolish and is lucky to get by with just an ankle injury. He also continues to feel guilt about what he did to the other two people. This situation isn't far from yours...you immediately reminded me of it.
As noted below, you end this for good by cutting all contact with him that doesn't pertain to your work. He was willing to be with you if he could get away with giving half his income to his family. More than that...well, he feels you just aren't worth it. I'm suspect as to his excuses regarding his kids' problems and possible health issues. There is more to his decision than that. Coming to this realization should help you maintain your distance.
As for dealing with your sorrows, you are going to be living with them for a while. Just like my friend has been dealing with his ankle. You don't expect to pull off this caper and find a quick emotional fix, do you? The best I can suggest is getting out of your apartment and engaging with life. Take some classes, do some charitable work and meet some people. You should be doing these things even if you didn't have this affair. If you're going to sit home and cry for the next year, add that to your faults.
I do suggest that you share this episode of your life with your next serious boyfriend. Don't do it on day one, of course, but at the point where things look like you are in ti for the long run. It won't be nearly as big a deal for him as it is for you. It is better he finds out early as opposed to when you are fully committed. Personally, a confession at the right time would give me some respect for you.
The most important thing is to cut ties with him now. You do sound like a fine person and I wish you the best in dealing with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): I know there are a lot of people that will judge you for what u did but you are being very hard on urself also and I can see the pain in this postThis all started with attention and low self esteem (that is the major issue there because I have it and I feel I could fall for the same thing you did) 1. As much as it sucks and it hurts - this man is not going to be what u want in the long run - even if he chooses u over everything - trust me - he isn’t loyal to anyone but himself and his needs - not his wife not his children not u2. Take it day by day- ur alive and healthy - this too shall pass - can’t u look for another job? Can’t yiu call another friend- can’t u keep busy (I know it’s hard ) but u gotta swim forward - ur sooo sooo young - and trust me this will pass and move forward 3. Seek a therapist - a confidant - someoen to talk to . This man may seem like he has feelings for u but he also seems like a man that is manipulative - deceiving - and wants to play all fields . I learned my lessson the hard way and trust me (these types of men) only care about themselves onlyYou seemed to have learned ur lesson in this - I see ur pain and I see u want to be forgiven - I believe you should move to the phase of slowly and surely letting go of this pain and this nonsenseAnyone that loves u will not do this - I know it sucks to hear but maybe the lord (if u believe in him) is protecting u from this by not giving h what u want right nowU mayb not see it right now but this might be a blessingSending hugs and luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 December 2017):
 How do you move on?
One day at a time. First, you CUT all contact that isn't work related to him. While he might not like that you no longer want to give him sex you need to put yourself first.
NIP it in the bud to call him when you feel bad, CALL a friend (preferably female) and vent/cry/talk.
You know that from HIS end it wasn't LOVE, it was lust. A passing infatuation. HIS priorities are his work and family - not you. And while he "promised" to divorce her and be with you.... (nice fantasy there) it wasn't what he really wanted. He knew that is what YOU really wanted and wanted to hear. Hence all his excuses why he can't go that route.
Besides... do you know HOW many relationships and marriages fail that starts out as an affair? over 80% of them. When people talk about how high the divorce rate is today -well factor in that the MAJORITY of marriages that started as an affair fails and bump up the overall divorce rate!
So what you need to do is take small steps. Set yourself REALISTIC goals here.
Decide what you REALLY want for yourself. (and no this married guy can't qualify on that list)
It might be that you have to start looking for a new job as well. But first, you need to ACCEPT responsibility for your own actions. LEARN from it and then baby steps towards the future. You make this seem like it's a big fat soap opera instead of your life. The whole over-dramatic shit needs to stop. YOU can live JUST fine without this cheating asshat in your life. PERFECTLY fine. HALF the world's population are male, so it's not like he is the ONLY option for a partner - you CAN no doubt find a man of MUCH higher quality who is SINGLE.
But your priority is getting yourself disentangled from this married man and HIS drama, and your own piss-poor excuses.
You made some rather shoddy choices. So what? WE all make mistakes. Doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves up daily because of it. No, you learn from it, don't repeat it and MOVE on.
If you don't already work out, Id suggests you take some time and start taking some Yoga classes - it will help you focus and chill. Working out is better than all the depression meds your doctor can push. But if that doesn't help DO consider talking to a therapist and work on yourself.
This isn't the "industry's" fault - YOU made those choices.
Time to make some BETTER choices.
YOU can do it.
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