New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

How do I move on from these feelings I have for my brother in law?

Tagged as: Cheating, Crushes, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 November 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 November 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hey, I'm 20 years old and have a sister that is nine years older than me. We both have the same mother but different father's. We didn't really grow up together because my mother had her so young so essentially she was raised by my grandma. We've always known about each other though and she's always visited. We still all get on very well as a family and are very close.

Well about 4 years ago, so I would've been about 16 at the time, I went to go visit her in Liverpool where she lives now.

At the time she was staying in a house share just after she had finished at University. I stayed over for the weekend and shared her room.

While I was there I met one of the guys in her house share. He was slightly younger than her so he's about 6/7 years older than me. We really got on and there was an instant connection between us. I've never felt anything like it!!! I could tell that he thought so too.

Well as soon as I got back home from my visit she texted me that all of a sudden he had asked her out. She told me she liked this other guy she had met at uni but he rejected her and I know it was stupid but so I could see him again, because I knew otherwise I wouldn't (they were all due to move out soon), I told her to go out with him and give him a chance. She didn't really like him like that then.

I remember after they'd been out on a few dates they decided to go out together and when I found out I went to my friends house and cried on her shoulder. Well long story short now they're married and she's due to have his baby next year.

Every time they visit there's still this connection between us and by the little things he does I can tell he's attracted to me as well, other people have even remarked on it.

I feel awful for the feelings I have and I'm scared that I might act on them given half the chance. I love my sister and my family and wouldn't want to do anything to destroy that but the feelings I have haven't disappeared even after four years of trying to move on from them.

I've even tried finding a boyfriend of my own but I never even went past the first date with anyone because it just didn't feel right. It make me feel sick to think that they're having this baby together and I know I shouldn't feel like that at all but I do.

I did have a silly attraction to this one guy, we never even went out on a date, but were friends at the time and when 'he' and my sister came down I told them about it.

I had this notion in my head that if I tell them I like someone else it might make things better in a way and

I could maybe distance myself a little from the idea of there ever being a me and him at all. I'd be with someone else. So much easier!

He just seemed to get really jealous and said some nasty things about this guy I liked whom he had never met before; not once. Everything got awkward and there was a strong tension between the three of us.

I think my sister knows herself we have a connection between us but she doesn't want to mention it. He's in far too deep to ever mention it.

Recently though he's just start acting more bold and I'm worried if he were to try anything I would go along with it.

How do I move on finally?? How do I stop feeling sad about this?? What can I do?? Thanks for reading and please if you do reply then don't but something condescending?! Thanks xxx

View related questions: jealous, move on, text, university

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (3 November 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI agree with everything that Aunty BimBim said. You're reading too much into the situation and you've built it into your head somehow that this guy likes you too and has married your sister just so that he can be close to you. You've let your imagination run wild. You seem to think that the timeline of the events was such, that right after he met you, he asked your sister out.

You have to get something straight your mind. This man loves your sister and not you and I doubt if there's any attraction or hanky panky with you anywhere. The thing is OP, if we like someone desperately, then even if they glance at us, talk to us or just say anything at all, we feel they're doing so because they too are interested. I know you think that his words say "no" but his actions say "yes" and that is always the inference of the party that's interested.

It's a crush, you'll grow out of it. Don't do anything silly like making a pass at him because you'll only make a colossal fool of yourself and that'll be the end of your relationship with your sister. Also, spare a thought for your poor sister in all of this! She's pregnant and her younger sister is having hot fantasises for her husband. Honestly, I'd feel beyond disgusted and betrayed.

You're 20 years old. You'll find someone for yourself. Just stop and consider what you're thinking. Looking to start affairs with your pregnant sister's husband is just frankly unforgivable.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (3 November 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIt seems to me you are trying to explain away your sister as not being a "real" sister because you were not raised together. In your head this might make the situation better ... ie its not quite so bad to be crushing on a non family member's husband than to be lusting after your sister's husband.

I think you are reading the whole situation wrong, if your brother in law was interested in you before he asked your sister to date him, then he would have asked you, not her!

I think you have built this all up in your head to a point where maybe the only reason he is with your sister, married and having babies, is to be closer to you....

You are reading more into it than there is, I believe the first initial connection you felt was actually him being nice to you because he wanted to impress your sister. I don't think he sees your sister as second best.

The only way to get over this unrealistic infatuation is to simply stop mooning over him, every time you think of him force yourself to think about something else, even if it is images offluffy kittens.

You will never be able to enjoy your coming role as an aunty while you are crushing on the baby's father.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016):

You've written your post as if this guy has settled for second choice by being with your sister but I don't see it as that way at all. He loves your sister and they're having a child.

Maybe he inappropriately flirts with you and that's made you think he wants more but he's had 4 yrs to be with you of he wanted to.

If you do anything he'll probably tell your sister and that would be awful for you. Worse still he might s#ag you then dump you. How would you feel then?

He's not going to leave your sister and his child for you. That would never happen and even if it did it would come at the cost of your family. Do you think they'd ever forgive you?

All crushes fade eventually. You will find someone that's just for you and won't require you to wreck your family to have them.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016):

You are still relatively young so it isn't surprising you haven't met anyone else you really connect with yet. I didn't until I was in my 20s.

This man isn't for you though and you are playing with fire. It wouldn't be entirely surprising if he had a small attraction for you given that he's attracted to your sister but it's nothing to him. After all he chose your sister, dated her, married her and got her pregnant. He's in deep because that's where he wants to be. He would have ended it long ago and waited for you to get older if he'd had any real feelings.

If you did anything what would happen? Well it would destroy your close family for a start. He might reject you and tell your sister. He might have sex with you the once. He might start an affair but it's almost certain your sister would find out. Families rarely recover from this kind of betrayal and your mother would side with your sister. You'd spend the rest of your life out in the cold. I've seen it happen.

I'm long married and I get crushes on other people so I understand how intense and overwhelming it feels. However I have never cheated because I know it's just fantasy. Reality is much harder to live with and it's life changing.

Try and stop fantasising about him. Imagine how devastated your sister would be if you had sex with her husband and the father of her child. Imagine your mother refusing to speak to you. This is just the tip of the iceberg as to what would happen.

In time you will meet someone you really like and your crush will fade.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (2 November 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntSweetheart, hes a complete jerk. I feel like youre incredibly sweet however, but hes made every move to be with your sister. He ASKED her out, proceeded to date her, and then marry her and now they have a child. What more is there to tell you?

If he liked you, he would have waited til you were older and proceeded to see if there was something viable between the two of you. Hes a complete jerk. maybes hes been stringing along your sister, hoping to get the younger sis but that just tells you hes even more of a loser.

Youre sweet. Youre young. There is so much more to life and romance than this guy. He had his chance and he pursued your sister instead. Leave it be. Move on

Go on dates, make friends, focus on school, and continue to love life. If he makes advances, tell him youre not interested and move on. GOod luck sweetie =)

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "How do I move on from these feelings I have for my brother in law?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312552000000323!