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How do I make my wrong turn right?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 15 August 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *ecent man writes:

Hello i have another question connected to the one i asked earlier , about Reason(s) from Decent man. Shall i message her and say I Really like you a lot . And i am not after ( you know what ) As i am a Decent man ( which is what she wants) i am very Caring , i think the problem might be i put Women on a Pedestal and treat them like a Queen as soon as i meet them as i am Scared of losing them . So shall i message her and say ( as above) i really like you a lot. Things would be different if we could go on a 2nd date, as i have had a Good think about why i think it went wrong And ask her would she like to go on a day out ,as i think it takes time to get to know a person , that,s why i,m thinking of a Day , as a 1 hour date is not long enough, to break the ice. Thank you for your help .

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (15 August 2017):

You do sound very clingy and will come across as creepy. If I don't want a second date w/a guy, I don't want a second date. Reminds me of the guy I rejected after the 1st date, he was not happy that I made that decision and kept messaging me how I cannot just reject him like that. Back off, just because you make a nice date doesn't mean a woman will want to continue to date you/

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 August 2017):

Ciar agony auntYou start out putting them on a pedestal but when they don't show you the appreciation you think you're entitled to you throw a tantrum, like you did after the rose petal dance.

Not only do you seem clingy to women, but I'd venture to say a bit phoney as well. Your dating style suggests everything you think you know about women you learned from cartoons. The girl rabbit is pretty much the same as the boy rabbit except for the long, fluttering eyelashes and red lips. She says very little, has no real personality. All she cares about are gifts and flattery and will wander off with any man who provides them.

It might be an idea to take a break from dating and reflect on some of your experiences.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 August 2017):

Ciar agony auntActually a few seconds is all it takes to get the measure of a person. That doesn't mean you'll know everything about them. And if after a few seconds soneone decides they're not interested, then a whole day is just a torturous waste of time.

You're coming across as very desperate and it's off-putting.

Let this one go.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (11 August 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntMate, I’m going to give it to you straight... you're coming across as someone desperate and slightly weird at your age, when you should be able to gauge if a woman is interested in you for a second date without over reacting or analysing the politely given, No Thank You.

IF you over chatted about yourself rather than asked the lady about herself, then that was your big mistake! It says you’re not a listener (in some ways) but one of those yapping toy dogs that run on Everyready batteries.

I think you need to move on from this experience, relax your approach to dating and focus on the lady rather than yap away to avoid (awkward) silence. The more you ask about the lady, the more she will be engaged rather than having to sit there listening to someone talk about themselves... Boring!?

I would also rethink placing each and every woman you date on a pedestal. Of course maintain being the gentleman that you are, e.g. a single flower perhaps and hope she doesn't get Hay-fever... but I’d reserve the White Knight for the lady who shows you mutual interest and feelings :) Surely you'd want to be sharing the pedestal together?

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIf she didn't want a second date, accept it. That doesn't mean YOU did something "wrong" per se.

It just means that SHE didn't feel any chemistry or saw you as a good potential match. You bending over backward is not going to change her mind. And I agree with WiseOwlE - don't oversell yourself. It doesn't work as you intend it makes you seem pushy, desperate and well... weird.

Go on a date with someone else, this one is NOT interested in you. It happens.

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A male reader, decent man United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2017):

decent man is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes i agree, i do try too hard , i treat it like a Big investigation , and think to myself surely eveyman in the world does,nt have to do all this . Shall i send a message about what went wrong and all my confidence / experience problems ? Or ask would she like to go out for the day ? But if i don,t say in message what i think went wrong , and i realize my mistakes . then she will just think it will be the same as first date ? Thanks

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Putting women on a pedestal will not make you any guarantee that they will like you. No one is perfect, and no one deserves to be up on a pedestal. It's silly and unnecessary. I will not hesitate to say it's ridiculous. Worship is for deities, and humans are imperfect and have flaws. Just be nice and respectful. Reveal your best character and be honest. Be over-eager, and all you'll be guaranteed is you'll get a woman who sees a sucker she can use and take advantage of.

How can you lose what you don't have? She isn't property to be purchased and owned. "Loss" can only happen if someone willingly comes to you, a connection is established; and something unforeseen occurs that separates you. There is no way to anticipate if that will happen. You've had one date!

To consider someone's leaving a "loss;" also depends on whether they proved to have value in your life, and were worthy of the trust and feelings you gave to them. There has to have been something had for a time; before you can lose it!

Save telling her how you feel until after a series of dates and you know what your feelings are based upon. Once you really know who she is, her true-character; and once time has established an actual romantic-connection. Meaning the feelings are known to be mutual. Not all one-sided.

You've got to be on the same page. Not spilling your feelings all over her thinking that will automatically make her like you back. You're way too anxious right now. Cool it! You're getting ahead of yourself; so you're definitely getting too far ahead of her.

You can ask for a second-date; but wait a few days for her to digest the first meeting.

If you've been sending constant messages and you've gotten no reply. Yes, your over-enthusiasm might be making her a little uncomfortable. You fix that by acting your age, and stop blithering like a love-struck teenage-boy. Sorry to be harsh, I'm speaking to you man to man. I don't mean to be unpleasant to you. I understand how you feel, and you've let loneliness push you to the point of high anxiety. I have to shake you a little to help you to regain your composure. Take a chill-pill!

If this doesn't workout, you'll know the next time it is best to be relaxed and confident. You seem like such a sweet gentleman; and I think just taking your time and being yourself will reap the rewards you deserve. If you've tried and failed, it's because you tried too hard.

There is no such think as a "re-date" for the sake of making repairs. If she agrees to a second-date, it's because she's willing to give it another try. You simply like her based on first impressions, and that is fueled by far too much desperation and neediness. Feelings for a person should be based on what you feel after getting to know them well. It's up to her if she feels that should happen; and it's up to you to calm yourself until it does. What you feel now could change after the second date! Could change by end of the day!

If it doesn't workout, man-up and pull yourself together. You have plenty more opportunities to try again with somebody else.

Instant-feelings are not real. It's infatuation stirred-up and fed by lonesomeness and anguish. It's clinginess gone haywire, and usually premature. It doesn't show respect for the other person; because it's selfish and demanding of an immediate response. Don't be that way with any woman.

Don't over-sell yourself. That's weird and too eager.

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