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How do I make a complete break from this guy I was dating? Please help!

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2010)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My ex boyfriend and I have had many issues, regarding his jealousy and lack of trust because of my past. It's been very draining for both of us, I think. It's been one of those difficult relationships, some of my friends have called it toxic. But we were sure it was meant to be.

Now, I don't want to get into too many details because it'd be long, but to make it short, he's my first boyfriend and every guy before him was just casual. Mind you, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, at least I think so. I first had intercourse with him, and have only had it with him. But he still thinks I'm impure because I gave oral sex to a guy who used to be a really close friend some good six years ago (I'm 21 now, by the way). The BJ incident only happened once.

Throughout or 3 years and a half relationship, he always was jealous and didn't trust me based on these facts and thought I'd cheat. I didn't volunteer the information; he asked me to tell him what had happened between me and this guy, he was suspicious. Needless to say I gave up on every one of my male friends, so that he'd trust me more. He didn't.

Eventually he started calling me names, making me cry, and doing other things to spite me. I also started calling him names in defense (lame, I know), and started resenting him. We weren't equals. If he wanted to go out partying, I had to trust him, 'cause he had done nothing bad in his past, so I couldn't say a word about it, but if I wanted to go out partying, I just couldn't because I wasn't trustworthy in those environments. What? I don't get drunk easily PLUS I NEVER GAVE HIM REASON TO THINK I'D CHEAT! The past is the past, I was single, I never cheated on anyone and to him I was more loyal than a Labrador!

We also broke up and made up countless times thorughout the years, and I guess it became a pattern and breaking up was seen as not a huge deal by neither of us.

I guess it took its toll on me. This last month, I feel like I've lost feelings towards him. The relationship has improved a bit on his part, as he realized I was getting more distant. But he still gets jealous, and says he won't change that from one day to another. The other day, we had a petty fight, I told him if he broke up with me, it'd be it. He did. But he was in denial and begged for another chance. I took him back, and told him that if either of us broke up with the other now it'd be 101% it! On Wednesday, another petty fight, he broke up with me over a text. I told him to think about it, if he was really sure and he said he was.

Now he's begging me again to take him back, but I won't. He didn't take my words seriously. I feel like I still love him, it's been two days and I already miss him, but despite that I just have this feeling that he's not the right one after all. Sure, we have so much in common that it feels like we're soulmates, but in the long run I don't think we'll make each other happy. I've only realized that this last month. I told him this, but he insists I'm the one and that he's nothing without me, etc. It breaks my heart to see him suffer like that. How can I make him realize this is for the best? It's hard for me too, it feels like giving up on such a huge part of my life and of course I wish things would've been different so that he'd still be a part of my life, but I'm ready to face the changes, and I've already accepted that this relationship is not the best for us. But he's in denial.

To make things worse, we had a band together. We won this prize once, and we recorded a track for a compilatory album. This album will be released next week, and we all have to go to the launch, which means I'll see him again. We also have our second demo on hold, we have to finish it, which again means we'll have to see each other. I only want him to be happy, and I feel he'll never be 100% happy with me. I feel like a coward for giving up on the relationship and not making more efforts for it to work, I feel guilty for just leaving him. But right now, I only want him to be happy, no matter if it means he gets a new girl right away.

I'm really confused. What can I do? We live in a small town and we have several friends in common... this is only my first real break up, I don't know how to deal with it. He still thinks we're soulmates and should make it work and get married, but I don't. I don't think this relationship is good for us anymore. Help, please, it's breaking my heart. Some might say he deserves this, that it's karma for having had his way and making me suffer for these last 3 years. But I don't think it's fair for him either. I don't want him to suffer.

View related questions: broke up, drunk, jealous, lost my virginity, oral sex, soulmate, text

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (23 April 2010):

YouWish agony auntYou broke up with him and followed through! GOOD! His manipulative ways and his breaking up with you over and over was designed to keep you off-balance. It goes along with his issues with you jealousy-wise. Just because you gave a guy oral sex before you met him has nothing to do with him, and it should NOT be used against you. It was good that you called his bluff and left him. Now be strong and mean it, or he'll never take you seriously ever again.

Find someone else who is in a good band. You're not this guy's soulmate, or he wouldn't treat you like he did.

I know it's your first breakup, so hang in there. Every day that you're apart, it'll get easier. Don't let him have his way again this time.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (23 April 2010):

raiders agony auntThere is nothing you can do about how he handles the break up. He will hurt, he will cry, he will be sad this is what happens after a break up. You guys were together for 3 years, so yes its going to hurt you to see him in pain, but remember he will hurt today and heal tomorrow. What he needs right now is time, time is going to make him get through this, there is not much you can do. You can't sacrifice yourself for his happiness, you have to be selfish and think on you. Good Luck!

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