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How do I live harmoniously with my mum?

Tagged as: Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a 41 year old divorced woman who managed to get out of an alcoholic marriage. My ex husband just drank himself silly and ignored me. I am an Asian woman and my mum is 67. She and I are close and I try to do a lot for her. She lives in India most of the year looking after her mum. This is something she is forced to do as she isn't fond of her mum - her mum wasn't very nice to her.

Consequently my mum feels that getting out of there to see her children is the way forward. My brother lives in the US with 2 kids and he has a good life but obviously my mum doesn't fit it anymore as the kids have grown up. They obviously needed my mum when they were growing up. I am always there for my mum. I call her everyday and she comes and stays with me. She has her own room with things in it.

I am the child in the Uk and now living on my own. I would like to go out and date but I find it hard with my mum around. I feel responsible and come home. How am I supposed to go on like this? No man will want me if I have a mum living with me but on the same hand, I want to be there for my mum.

This year she has been with me from the end of May till mid July. She will be back in October on her way to India. I am calm but she says I should go out and date and not bother about her being home. Should I do that? But I feel guilty. I want a life at 41. Not one where I am at home with my mum. I want to feel loved and want the chance to have a child. Is that wrong? How do I go about it when my mum feels upset?

View related questions: alcoholic, divorce, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntThe only person that is holding you back here is yourself. Sweetie your mother sees that you are lonely she wants you to go out and date, this would probably make her very happy, all she wants is to see you happy. She is a good mother and you are a good daughter. If you found a man then I am sure he would understand that you like having your mum live with you part time, if he did not understand that then he is not the right man for you. Please take down the wall from around you and allow yourself to go out and meet men.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think the RIGHT guy for YOU will understand why your mom is living with you part time. YOUR mom understands and encourage you to date, so the only thing REALLY holding you back is you, and your fears of what if's.

Go out and date, if you feel uncomfortable bringing them home, then don't do it till you feel comfortable. That means GO SLOW.

You life isn't over at 41, so GO OUT THERE and live it. Look at your mom?! She is travelling and enjoying life at 67! so you can do it at 41!

Stop procrastinating and get "out there"!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting the same things as everyone else. Sweetheart, you're such a loving and giving person. You deserve it, and your guilt makes no sense.

You've built your own walls around you. Not your mother. Somehow you've equated giving back with self-sacrifice and isolation. Self-imprisonment. Where did you get this? You are using your mother as the excuse for avoiding getting out and dealing with probable rejection and all the frustration that comes with dating. Seeking romance and looking for love.

It's wonderful how devoted you are, but all the things you've explained in your post are mainly excuses. You are afraid to get out there and date. You are afraid you may not be what a man wants, that you've let all your youth slip by, and you are just afraid for the sake of fear. Fear is usually of the unknown. We often fear before we face what it is we are afraid of.

Your mother is correct. "Do you!" As we say here in the U.S.

She has raised all of you and she can be independent when she feels she needs to be. She is older and maybe limited in some ways, but she survives. You are not the reason she survives, she survives because she is strong. How come none of that has rubbed off on you? You hide behind excuses. She travels to India and she takes care of her mother. If she was so frail, how on earth could she raise children to adulthood and still take care of her own mother?

The example is right before your eyes, and you've come to us?

Go out and live your life just as she does. She is only frail as age may take away some of our physical strength and energy; but she seems strong in other ways. Even when her own mother has been unkind to her, karma has turned it around that her own mother needs her now. Yet she still shows her love by returning to see each and everyone in her life no matter how helpless you've decided she is. You limit yourself just as you limit her. Only, fear is your only hold-back. Scared you may not be young enough, pretty enough, strong enough; or attractive enough.

My dear, I see through you!

You still have many good years ahead. Travel, enjoy life, your mother can take care of herself. She will not fall into a heap if you go about your life. She is not a puppet requiring you to control her movement and animation. Do as she has advised you to do. Listen to her. Her advice comes from a better place. It comes from the center of love. You want to know, ask her. Not us!

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