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How do I light a fire under my lazy ass wife?

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Question - (28 June 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

How do I light a fire under my lazy ass wife? She doesnt do anything but lay around while im at work, and then expect me to do dishes, laundry, and clean the house. Should i just quit doing everything? Granted we have a two and four year old, but i get everything done with them. What gives?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008):

I am in the same boat. My wife sits in a chair chatting, writing to forums and talking on the phone ALL day while I work. I work hard, as she is supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. But, she does not even get up to "yell" at the kids.

When I get home from work, I have to take care of the kids and make supper, while she, guess what, sits in a chair chats, writes to forums and talks on the phone. She is a slob, she piles stuff on our table, bedroom, everywhere.

When she takes things out of packages to eat, she leaves them laying there for me to pick up.

Our house is a constant mess now, as I just don't have the time or the energy after a hard day at work to clean it. And when I do, the next day it's a dump again.

And for those asking if she keeps me happy in other ways? Before we got married? Hell yes!!! Now, I can count on one hand how many times in the last year we've actually done it. I love her, but I can't take this much longer...

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (28 June 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntI think you should stop doing it and tell her to do it. Yes two kids are probably very hard work but how is it fair you work then come home and do more work. I've said to my guy that when the baby comes along (i'm pregnant) I will try to do whatever housework I can but I may need a hand. Eventually I should be able to master doing it all. He's said if something needs doing when he gets in from work either he can take over with baby or do it himself.

It's about working together as a team and all your wife seems to want to do is abuse the fact that you are a helpful, giving husband. She has probably gotten used to you doing it all now so she may think she doesn't have to. Talk to her and compromise on sharing the jobs. Surely she can dust with the kids there?


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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (28 June 2007):

flower girl agony auntI went through this i am a stay at home mum, i do the house work, shopping , and still have time to lunch with the ladies.

I stopped everything could hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning, threw things into cupboards rather then putting them away and laid on the sofa watching TV all day.

It was down to depression because or business was going through a bad patch which had an impact on our family life financially and it really got to me.

Try talking to her see if you can find out if there is something bothering her at the moment and if she is feeling herself.

Take care.xx.

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A female reader, Basschick Australia +, writes (28 June 2007):

Basschick agony auntThere are two things you should do. One, is ask her why she doesn't get anything done all day. Is she spending all day on the couch watching the telly, surfing the webs in chat rooms, or is she spending alot of time with the kids, going to the park, painting, coloring, playing with them? And two, could she be depressed? Many women go through post-partum depression after their children arrive and hormones being what they are, they become very depressed. She may be feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of two kids. Depressed people rarely lift a finger to do anything because they no longer have the desire to do the things they were once capable of doing. How does she act when you come home? My guess is you should sit her down and have a long talk about what's going on with her. This could be a symptom of a much bigger problem. Good luck.

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A female reader, Sbrwneyes United States +, writes (28 June 2007):

Sbrwneyes agony auntShe has become really lazy. You're a good husband for taking care of everything...women appreciate that so much, but when she gets this lazy, you need to step up and tell her. Go on strike and tell her that if she loves the kids and you that she'd get off her ass and do some of the work.

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A female reader, Cateyes United States +, writes (28 June 2007):

Cateyes agony auntSince it sounds as if she does not work and you are doing ALL the just answered your own question. What she should be doing needs to be left alone so she can see what she needs to be taken care of. She knows you will do it because you have been doing it. You feel taken advantage of and I know that that hurts and I am sorry for that. If you feel like you are running out of clothes, make sure ahead of time you have enough clothes to get you through the week. Call home hours ahead of time and ask her what is she cooking for dinner...get the ball rolling. Maybe she needs a nudge...maybe she is depressed...maybe you need to have a talk with her without getting upset and let her know how you feel. And just maybe she will open up to you and tell you why things have been the way they have may and may not be because she is lazy. You really won't know until you find out. It also sounds as though that maybe she feels that is "all" she is good cook, clean, do laundry, and watch the kids when THAT is a HUGE job in itself! Some women need praise for what they have done all day with the house, etc...if she used to work, she might be missing it. Sometimes it's good for a housewife to have some sort of "hobby" or even if it's just taking the kids out daily to just get out of the house so they don't feel trapped in it. I am sure she wants to see other grown ups versus kids all day. Try your best to really talk with her and be as understanding to her as you can. I know you may be upset, but first find out what she has to say and then work it out from there.

I really think once you two have talked, there will be a better understanding between the two of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007):

The reason I am guessing that she is so unmotivated to do anything around the house is that she's unhappy with you and her life. I would assume if you have talked to her about this & she hasn't improved that all you can do is either seek counseling, or leave her. Do you make enough money so that the family needs are met? That can have a lot to do with a woman wanting to please her man, wether he is able to financially support the family. If you aren't able to, she may be thinking you're not doing your part so why should she do hers? Either way you need to do something to resolve things because at this rate neither one of you are happy.

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