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How do I let my son see my mother without all the animosity from the drama she causes?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 August 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok so this is a long story which basically will take a while to read and is quite complicated so please bare with me.

I'll start off with saying this about my relationship with my mother it has always been we are very close ir completely not speaking. As I was growing up she was not much of a good mother she took drugs, was an alcoholic and went to jail twice! We moved every couple of months and changed her boyfriends as often. One of her boyfriends broke my arm when I was 7 and she would send me to school on my own sometimes the teachers had to take me home as no one was there to pick me up and she would be in bed with one of her boyfriends. Anyway there is a whole lot more went on but in short she wasn't the best of parents.

She has however stopped all that behaviour and is now married and I now have 4 siblings (5 of us 4 different dads) she has also worked hard and has been accepted into uni which I'm proud of, my problem is a while back at a party her and a few other people all hit me and I couldn't do much about it as it was my word against there's but obviously I don't want to speak to them any more now so i moved to a different town with my partner and our 3 year old son. My mother constantly texts me harrassing me and telling me she's always hated me and threatens to make false allegations to child protection when she says this I say the things she did when I was a child and tell her that I've done a good job bringing up my son (I don't go out drinking or taking drugs I have my son 24/7) but then she'll say I have issues with my childhood and that I need help when I'm just stating that I've done a better job than she did with me. I've changed my number as it was stressing me out constantly arguing with me. She wants access to my son which I wouldn't mind but she constantly argues with me saying really nasty things like I ruined her life in the black sheep of her family that she's always hated me etc. I don't want to spite my son as he loves his nana and my siblings but I dint feel comfortable at the moment with the animosity between us.I did let him go 2 weeks ago and she wouldn't tell me what time she would bring him back and when she did bring him back she did he was calling me by my name not mammy.

So my question is what should I do I should mention she keeps asking for my address but I wont give her it as I don't want her showing up at my home as I've moved for a fresh start but she seems hell bent on not letting me! She also accuses my partner of being abusive to me (he isn't and hasn't)

Sorry for how long this is but I need an outside opinion on how to try get on with my life but still let my son see his nana without all the animosity it feels like I'm the more adult of us and she reverts to childish ways to get to me. Any opinions truly appreciated

View related questions: alcoholic, drugs, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015):

My relationship with my mother was a similar one, she was abusive to me as a child and every day until I turned 18 and left. I have chosen to completely cut off my family as they are poison that I don't need. They caused a lot of damage that took me a long time to get over. When my fiance and I have a child, they will have no access. I wouldn't risk exposing a child to those kind of people. Is there any way your son can still socialise with your siblings, without your mother? If not, I also agree with meeting in neutral places and not alone. Good luck

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A female reader, meccamega Australia +, writes (20 August 2015):

I'm so sorry to hear how neglectful and manipulative your mother was. She should have had government agency looking into letting you be abused. I wouldn't bother letting her anywhere near my kid, if I was you.

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A female reader, EmptyWords United States +, writes (20 August 2015):

EmptyWords agony auntThe fact that your son came back calling you by your name and not his mother is a clue that she is filling his young, innocent little mind with hate, conflict, and insecurity. Needless to say, this is not a healthy relationship for your son or yourself.

If she isn't too bitter to talk to you like an adult, tell her that she needs to work out her issues if she wants to have a relationship with your son, otherwise she shouldn't be a part of his life.

That kind of relationship is damaging in so many ways. Like someone said before. Have it be in a public place where you can monitor it. It might seem harsh, but she made it this way for herself.

Let her make her threats and act like a child. In the end, you have to decide what's best for him. He doesn't NEED a crazy grandma in his life. It's toxic.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhat does your partner (son's father ) think about all this?

I think if you WANT her around your child I would met on neutral grounds, like a playground, museum, or something you son likes and let them interact.

Personally, I wouldn't really trust her with MY child if I were you. So she would get NO alone time with him.

I would also suggest she brings your siblings so they can interact.

It's safe for you and your son (as you and/or your partner will be there).

One thing though, I would make sure she knows that you make this choice not because she manipulate you, but because you think it is good for you son, and the MOMENT you feel it's not good, it will end.

I think your mom is still VERY unhealthy to be around, but I understand that you feel your son can benefit from knowing her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015):

I can understand wanting your family, especially your mother, to be part of your life.

Your mom might have changed some of her behavior (getting married, no drugs, stop drinking, est.) but that does not mean she completely changed.

She still has her issues. That is why she is harassing you, threatening you, est.

You need to protect yourself and your son before it gets worse. At the very least, you need to talk to a lawyer to see what your legal options are.

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