A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts, I wanted to seek advice on how to stop caring about how other people perceive me and how to gather strength on the inside. I am a woman in my thirties that (not trying to sound vain) has been told I am very pretty - skinny and beautiful. I have used this to smile and go along with almost everything in life because I never believed anything else I was good enough. I went to school I work hard to support myself to have a corporate career but I feel dumb and weak inside. I never feel good enough so I often get stepped on - I don’t have an opionion - so I get used and played etc. A part of this comes from childhood my mother was never “I’m proud of you” nothing is or will ever be good enough for her so it stems from me focusing my energy on looksI don’t want to be sally with the good looks any more . I want to not be so afraid in meeting - I want to have a backbone - I want to be brave . Any ideas?Because I’m so insecure I am afraid it shows and I am afraid it will pass me for promotions for anything and everything Any advice on how I can let go?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 June 2018):
 Improve your mind, OP
Now this might sound like "simple" advice" but it's not. It's good that you are attractive and FEEL attractive but look don't help much in meeting. KNOWLEDGE does.
Which means you can IMPROVE on your level of knowledge. Maybe take a class in (whatever you work with) it can be online. You can also learn things by seeing what kind of training is available at work, by observing coworkers who seem to have their stuff together.
Though, I DO want to point out, I doubt you would HAVE a corporate job just because you are pretty. So there much be some smarts rattling on inside that noggin of yours :)
Know that you are not a one-note kind of person, it is possible to have both beauty and brains. That BOTH can help you get places but USING your brain will probably do more for you career-wise than beauty.
As for your mom never telling you that you have worth - well, that is a shame. But if you look at your life, you haven't gotten where you are on pure looks alone. SHE might not have seen it in you, but it's DEFINITELY there.
The thing is, you don't NEED her approval to reach whatever level in your career or in your personal life. THAT is ALL on you.
FIND you own "weak spots" and work on those.
And I don't think you can learn to just "shut off" your "need" for validation but I DO think you can learn to control HOW much of that "need" to show to others.
I would say for the most part I don't CARE what others think of me. Because I know THAT is totally out of my control. What other people say, do, think and feel - it's something I can not change.
And I DO think you have an opinion on things. I think you just don't feel YOURS is important. BUT it is. Especially IF you are the one who has to do the work, contribute to the work.
So when you have a meeting, PREPARE. Think it over, formulate YOUR own view points. They may not always be "right" but let them be something you can stand up for.
I am willing to bet you can do so much more than you think you can. It just takes for you to START doing it.
A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (14 June 2018):
I wanted to reply because we are close in age. What you’re describing is certainly not unique to you, so I think the first step is realize that it’s not abnormal to feel the way you do. I would imagine over 80% of human beings have felt weak on the inside or maybe insecure. I think the people who don’t feel insecure are the ones who’re either homicidal maniacs who are already in prison or those who have such a gigantic ego that they cannot see past it to notice how foolish they look in those meetings that you’re describing. My boss is a classic example of an egomaniac. He believes he’s very important and very smart and that we cannot function without him. Well, he’s wrong, and he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer! Your self awareness is a sign to me that you are a humble and conscientious person, not to mention very smart. There’s a lot of people who can’t do a self assessment like you just did with honesty. It’s a very good thing to take a look at our lives from time to time and identify the areas where we are doing well and the areas that we can improve. We are all in the same boat, and we are all sea sick! That just means that we all have something we struggle with. I would go into your next meeting with the intention of asking a question or raising a point that you want to make. Don’t leave the meeting without giving an opinion, because your opinion counts, that’s why you’re in the meeting to begin with, because your employer wanted you there! I use humor to try and ignore the outside criticism. I say to myself, “well I haven’t done my job unless I tick off at least 7 people before lunch!”
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): Uhm...there are uncles here too, my dear!
You first have to outgrow your childhood and stop blaming your mother. You move forward with forgiveness. If that isn't possible to do on your own, you seek some light counseling and therapy to help you come to terms. Then proceed into your adulthood. Find your peace through being thankful for small blessings. We don't seem to run out of things to complain about; just those things we should be thankful for.
You seem pretty sure about your looks. People sometimes perceive you by your behavior and the image you purposely project.
You can shape and manipulate others opinions of yourself; they are not always formed about you. People often judge you by what they see and hear. What you tell them about yourself. If you confirm their assumptions; those opinions will solidify. Opinions also change. For better or for worse. Not your concern; unless it effects your paycheck, or causes you undue pain and suffering. Then get a doctor, or a lawyer.
Backbone comes from taking risks, taking on challenges, and accepting changes. Don't be afraid to fail, it's part of the learning and growing process. It's necessary in preparation for survival. Everybody isn't nice, nor is everyone evil. You learn the difference through discernment, and trusting your own judgement. You can't always be wrong!
You develop courage by challenging yourself. You encourage yourself to step outside your comfort-zone. You repeat affirmations to yourself to build yourself up; until you realize that they are true. Use whatever assets you have; even if it does include your looks. Looks are a gift and an advantage too!
The more you use and build-up your more valuable "personality-traits," and work on your overall-character; the less you'll depend on your appearance, and the false or misguided perceptions of other people. You can't control how people think. Only what you think about yourself.
You are cognizant of the areas that need work. So you attack them one by one. You learn how to say "no!" You learn to tolerate being criticized, without taking it personally. No matter how awkward you think you are socially; push yourself and make-believe you're flawless, poised, and confident. You are, but you haven't perfected and put them to use yet.
Aren't we all a work in-progress! Until the day we die!
Looks start to fade. Personality is something you can work-on continuously over a lifetime. People aren't as focused on your faults, weaknesses, or imperfections as you might think. You're mostly projecting. They see you, but most people these days have a very short attention-span. They can forget your name in a matter of seconds. You walk out of the room, and you're forgotten. They look right at you, and can't see you.
Change how you perceive yourself; and others will follow right along. Be concerned only when you allow people to persuade you to go against your own values. If you find yourself hurting yourself to please other people; that will require some therapy. That kind of insecurity and need for acceptance is brutal and self-destructive.
Good work speaks for itself. Promotions are based on merit and performance. Lots of great bosses and leaders have insecurities. They just develop a great skill at hiding them. They also take classes, attend self-help seminars; or hire image or life coaches that help them.
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