A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I usually don't do posting like this but I don't know who to turn to. I love my wife dearly but we don't seem to see things eye to eye. She believes I need therapy and have problems, she doesn't understand some of her behavior causes me stress. Anyways, right now she won't and can't talk about relationship as she is going through mourning due to family death. Her priority is her family and getting her life back in order (which does not include me at this time). We were thinking about starting a business together, but she says she doesn't have the energy or emotional to do something right now. I'm on a dilemna because I need to figure out if this relationship is worth salvaging as we have been going through lots of misunderstandings and problems throughout our marriage. How do one know if is going to work out? My gut feels says no, but my heart says yes. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
 Mourning the loss of a loved one can take a long time to come to terms with i think we are all a little guilty of forgetting our nearest and dearest at such times so your wife may not be doing anything too differently that other women have done.
To start up a business while she is going through this might not be the best of times, because she is being honest with you when she says she is not emotionally ready to deal with that, and having your own business is tricky and a lot of hard work to establish it.
I think apart from your wife's loss there are other problems there which i feel need more addressing than the loss of a family member?
You both need to find the time to discuss this otherwise things could just deteriorate, best to always talk like it is going out of fashion that way you both can air your views and if their is any uncertainty on your part then you need to also make that very clear.
Good Luck with this.
Gina
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2  + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
 All I can say is that it is a myth that couples have to agree on all of their issues.
In fact 90% of all problems in a marriage are not solvable, you are both individuals first and will see things differently. What you have to do though is to come to emotional closure on the issues. You have to move on from them and feel that both of you have been heard and understood.
Marriage is hard work and it goes through periods where things are a struggle. If children are involved you especially owe it to them to earn your way out of this marriage. That means that you have gone to counseling, tried to work on your problems and if you still can't get things right, then and only then do you take steps to end the marriage.
Don't let family stresses and financial stresses ruin an otherwise good relationship. It is a tough economic time for everyone right now and there is pain involved in that.
Try to be each other's support system instead of working at odds. Your wife is grieving, be there to give her hugs and good strokes, and put the business on the back burner for now or create one on your own, or get a job what ever you need to do to support yourselves.
Owning your own business is an extreme amount of hard work and you won't see a profit more than likely for a few years. I know, I have been there done that. It was rewarding, but I don't want to go do that again, I am too old to deal with all the stress of people problems, and time spent working myself to death. Money is not as important to me now as time.
So, I hope you will take a breath and really think things through and listen to your heart.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
I agree with Satindesire. She's said to you that at this time, you're not her priority, her family is. I think you should end it on a nice note, then move on and focus on yourself for now. Good luck
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (23 October 2009):
 I think you both are having problems now and both need permission to be a little selfish. If it makes you feel any better to break up with her, do so, because you only have one life to live...but make sure you're breaking up with her for a good reason.
I will say this, though...Family deaths are really hard to get over. I'm still mourning my sister, who I lost about 4 years ago. I think you both just need to relax and get away from each other for a bit, do some soul searching and stop stressing each other out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009):
Most business fail in the first 6 months, so if your business plan includes her making a meaningful contribution dont go into it right now. If she is useless the first three months your business will be doomed and you will burn through a lot of start up capital and marketplace good will.
On the other stuff, you have to realize that most women's favorite hobby is talking about their relationship to no real purpose. Whole television channels are devoted to it! Almost no man goes in for this stuff so you arent alone if you cant stand these meandering, no actionable conversations.
Which isnt to say that just because she is obsessed that you can go the opposite and have no concern. If you are into NASCAR which she hates doesnt mean that she can go the other way and not know how to drive a regular car.
We cant say whether or not *you* need therapy. But a "goal based" couples therapy (as opposed to meandering talk about feelings and how she felt when your mother didnt even try her potato salad) is beneficial. What specifically is she doing to stress you. If she is going to bring problems to you, does she know when and when not to bring them up and what level of detail she should present. If she is overgeneralizing, does she know its driving you nuts?
Let her handle the mechanics of the fall out from the death and then take her on a couples retreat weekend. They are usually some scenic local spot so they aren't too expensive. It will kill three birds of getting her some rest from the family mess, getting you some stress relief and give you a chance to work through issues about how you two interact.
Can this marriage be saved? Of course. Arranged marriages had an enormous success rate. Why? Because people went in with clear expectations about what they roles were and how each person was expected to behave. Its hen expectations are unclear that there is disappointment and resentment. There is no reason why you two can get to the same clear understanding as your grandparents had. Once you find out that she is being driven nuts by you not putting her car keys back you can fix that.
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