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How do I help my boyfriend sort himself out?

Tagged as: Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2017)
A female age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend had a really bad relationship with this girl before me and left him with some mental scars and we were totally fine until he got drunk and texted some random girl stupid stuff but they weren't that bad. Now he's apologised loads and I don't want it to split us. He says that it's due to his depression and he said it 'cos he got scared about me moving away (which I'm not now). But he doesn't fully open up to me and I love him so much and we both want this to work but I don't know how to help him with his issues if he doesn't really let me in. And when I do and I give him advice, he doesn't seem to really listen. What am I meant to do to help him and our relationship?

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (20 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntHi OP.

Your age immediately suggests to me that you're too young to deal with his emotions. Honestly speaking.

You should just break up with this guy because he sounds like he's about to be really unstable and could possibly end up abusing you.

You sound like you're trying to make excuses for him and his behaviour but my dear, you're going to end up getting really hurt by this guy if you allow this to continue on.

Look, you might not like the advice you're receiving here and are going to receive but it's sound advice coming from adults who have been where you are. Relationships at your age hardly ever last into adulthood and with there being so many issues in your relationship already, I suggest that you just let it go now. It won't be easy (because you're infatuated but trust me when I say that it will be worth it and one day you will look back at this relationship and realise that it was not worth all the drama.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017):

I've just realized you're only about 13!

You're way over your head with this boy. It isn't healthy for a young girl your age to be dealing with a boy facing serious issues with depression. You're too young to help him, that's for his doctors. You can only be a supportive friend. When he goes through a crisis, you might do him more harm than good.

Talking to him may comfort him, but it wont cure him.

Sorry, I didn't realize your age.

I was correct that you should find a boy who doesn't have so many complicated problems. You're far too young to be dealing with boys being treated for something as serious as depression. You'll be spending too much of your time trying to cheer him up; but it doesn't work like that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017):

You're being played. He may have some issues with depression; but what does that have to do with sending messages to some random female? Why'd he take on a new girlfriend; if he hasn't resolved his past issues with his ex-girlfriend? Why do you assume responsibility for his insecurities and old baggage?

He manipulated you through your emotions; and made you change your plans and stay.

So what's the benefit of your personal-sacrifice? Exactly what have you gained by staying?

If he needs treatment for his mental-health, that's for a trained and licensed professional. Unless you're a practicing therapist, it isn't your responsibility to "fix" him.

He doesn't listen to your advise? Or do you mean he's resistant to your efforts to change him to be what you want him to be? Find yourself someone already "fixed."

Sorry, but unlike a rescue animal, people have to take responsibility for their own behavior. It's up to them to seek professional-help when needed. Not make lame excuses and continue to carry-on with behavior that concerns you.

Sweetheart, you you're better off giving your heart to someone who has his sh*t together. If he's so scarred, you should remove the pressures of maintaining a new relationship; until he has gotten over the last one.

He needs to strengthen his doctor-patient relationship with his therapist; before he can have a healthy one with you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (19 July 2017):

YouWish agony auntHOLD THE PRESSES! I was going to type some logical advice to you about cheating, depression, and past girlfriends, but I just saw your AGE!

I don't know which country you hail, but the UK drinking age is 18 and the US drinking age is 21! If this boy is your age, then he is too young to be getting drunk! If he's over age, then you're too young to consent.

Even if everything was legal, this guy is not a good match for you. He's disloyal, blames it on depression and his ex, and expects you to be his surrogate and therapist. What's next, blaming cheating on indigestion?

This guy is bad news, and is at risk for alcoholism. He's way too young to be getting drunk, and you're way to young to be dating a cheating drunkard.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2017):

Denizen agony auntUsing depression as an excuse is unacceptable. Real depression is paralysing. It sounds like he is just a moody teenager and not really ready for someone sympathetic, understanding and loving like you.

It's one thing to be really depressed. Then you need professional help. If he is just trying it on then tell him you will see him when he gets 'IT' together. You are not his nurse. Don't be pulled into that game.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (19 July 2017):

judgedick agony auntI am all for people working on things to make them work, but there is a time that it is just too much work, He seems to be making a habit of using excuses to not take responsibility for when he is wrong, you have to know if he has depression you can not help him on your own, he would need help.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (19 July 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntFirst up you can't help him, that's his job and exactly what is it you want to help him with? His depression? Has he been diagnosed or is he just using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour. If he is depressed the best thing for him to do is discuss it with a qualified doctor who will be able to suggest a range of options to help deal with it. A qualified medical professional will also be able to give him some tools to assist in getting over any bad mental scarring his previous girlfriend caused.

If it is because he thinks saying he was drunk excuses bad behaviour then he should not indulge in drinking alcohol ...

As for him not listening to your advise see above. If he was honestly trying to improve your relationship he would not be ignoring (not listening) to your advise but there would be a healthy, back and forth discussion between the two of you .... quite frankly if he isn't being proactive or taking responsibility for his actions your relationship is doomed before it even starts.

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