A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year is amazing but has been on edge lately. He's been upset with work recently and has been vocalizing this angrily while playing computer video games. He usually rarely plays. I understand he needs to release but I'm also a bit worried. He has high cholesterol and prone to high blood pressure. His mom has had two strokes. I've been ignoring it and letting him do his thing because I know he needs an outlet and friend time. But yesterday i gave him a kiss on the cheek and he snapped at me. He immediately stopped his game and apologized quite a lot. Then today he was yelling at his friend over the computer speaker which scared me just a little bit. Should I say something and how do I say it? I can handle the noise (as long as not directed at me) but I'm more concerned with his health. One year ago he fainted while working (the doctor described it as a mini heart attack). He's just not healthy. Do I have a right to intervene?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): My now-deceased life-partner was an attorney. Type-A Alpha-male type with a sharp tongue. Now on top of that, add pressure! You have the most volatile specimen of mankind you can find anywhere on the planet!
He used to bring work home. Picking arguments and snapping at me; because he was so full of adrenaline and tension you could feel electrical-energy crackling around him!
First-off, I got tired of his snarky comments, rudeness, and condescending attitude. I told him to check his nasty attitude at the door, or don't bother coming home. You have to nip that shouting and screaming at the bud. Stand firm, they want a sparing-partner, but don't engage. Kick him out! You have to modify the behavior, they must see consequences.
I then calmly suggested that he might take yoga or go to the gym to work off his stress. He was too intellectual for these things and claimed to have no time. So I plotted a strategy. Each evening, I drew him a hot bubble bath, lit some candles, and played his favorite jazz before sitting him down to dinner. No strong alcoholic beverages, that would only add fuel to the fire. Then I would dim the lights and leave him alone for an hour or two after work. No, I wasn't dancing on eggshells, I was defusing a time-bomb! I noticed him calming down, he smiled walking through the door each day; and would bring me pastries or flowers he bought on the plaza on the way home from the office. Oh, I didn't stop there. I just used the soft-touch first.
I sat him down and told him that he was hell to live with and I didn't appreciate him taking out his stress and irritations on me. I didn't like his sarcasm and lashing out at me; because he didn't know how to blow-off steam before he got home. I told him I wasn't going to stand for it, and I was going to leave him. Yes, I told him this even after going out of my way to comfort and ease his work-stress.
The point was to be able to talk to him. He was too much of a bear to reason with when he had legal cases piling on top of him, and swimming with the sharks all day. I reminded him I also have a stressful job and huge responsibilities; and it's my home too! No, lawyer or not, he didn't get a word in edgewise; because I had enough of being his freaking whipping-post. I stood my ground and I let him know I had enough of the bullsh*t. Either get a grip or get out of the law profession. Then the bubble baths stopped, he came home to a normal house. He knew I was serious. He changed his tone and attitude completely. He apologized profusely! That took some time, he was also stubborn! He'd walk-in silent and went to his office and closed the door.
Your boyfriend needs to get a new job. He also needs to be put in his place and reminded you are not there to be crapped on; and you are fed-up with his angry outbursts. Let him know he will have to leave or get anger-management counseling. Suggest he join a gym to work-off his stress with sports. Take a long walk after work, and walk in that door like a civil human being. Don't raise his voice in the house, or take it outside. Roll-up his car windows and scream after his workday; then come home and behave like a reasonable adult. Give him his space after work. Don't be a sitting target. Get out of his way.
Sometimes you've had a bad day too, and you're spoiling for a fight. Been there and done that too, girlfriend! Learned to behave myself. I sometimes set him off; but not intentionally. Only a fool would do that!
Send him to the doctor before he has a real heart-attack or paralyzing stroke. High-blood pressure untreated will lead to a stroke, even at his young age. If he won't see his doctor and follow the prescribed treatment, kick him out.
It's your only option to sitting there waiting for him to drop dead! Whats the use of pouring love on an assh*le who is nothing but the devil to live with? You'll be nursing his stroke-afflicted useless body if he doesn't take care of himself! I trust he's also over-weight!
Tolerating the noise is enabling him and telling him it's okay to disrupt your home and disturb the peace. That's not so! Violence is usually the next phase, my dear! He's in bad shape. Get him to take care of his health, or find a good burial plot. He's going to need it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2017):
 You shouldn't HAVE to "handle" the noise the yelling and verbal aggression. Yes, it MAY not be directed at you (at the moment but he has already LAID a hand on you, which in MY book would have been the END of it. Someone verbally abusing me is just NOT OK. Don't GIVE a shit how "stressed" they are.
If he will do this ONCE, he will do it again. After all, he is already being "abusive" to people he calls FRIENDS. With that said I do know how people can get riled up while playing computer games, been there done that.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him HOW his behavior is making you feel, your concerns and (if you have one) plan of action. Like, 1. he needs to go see a doctor if his health seems at risk. 2. talking to a nutritionist and working on a health regime - a personal trainer, for instance, to get him on track. Exercise is also a GREAT outlet for getting rid of frustrations.
But walking around on eggshells and "letting him" act like a total PRAT you are only enabling behavior you aren't really OK with.
And before HAVING this talk YOU need to decide your own boundaries. Are you OK with him NOT wanting to work on his health? Not seeing a doctor? Taking his anger out around you (even if it's NOT directed at you)?
As for the question: Do I have a right to intervene?
Yes, I think you do. AS long as you accept that you CAN NOT make him do anything he doesn't want to. IT IS up to him to actually GET the help and DO things to improve his life and health.
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