A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dont know where to start.. my husband changed a lot after we marry. In a negative way. He doesnt care anymore and we kinda lost connection after we marry. He become irresponsible man which i never think he could be. He used to be a very caring and considerate and patient man. He chased me a lot and fight for our relationship. Now he got very tempramental and verbally abusive toward me. Also somehow i feel he is manipulative towards people around him including me. He would say things according to his benefit and blame things on me. Some example, i know he doesnt like to spend money for me, doesnt like to brings me hang out and dinner anymore. So when we go out for cinema or dinning he would keep complaining all the way that the traffic is really bad and keep mumbling and clearly he doesnt enjoy the time. Then i asked him if he isnt happy to go out with me then fine just talk. He said he really hates the bad traffic. But by him keep complaining, i think he wants to show me he doesnt enjoy our time together. He wasnt like this when we dated before. And we had been together for almost a decade. He used to very generous with me, shower me with gifts and nice dinner. Some things to consider is noe hr is financially unstable as he is in need of money for his business expansion. Before he is just a college guy without responsibility. But i dont expect him to change drastically like this. Like he is another man. Clearly he doesnt enjoy his time with me eventhough im pregnant 4 months now. I dont know whether he changed because of his family influence or maybe he took me for granted. Me and his family doesnt has good relationship and he is kinda momma boy although their relationship is never close enough like me and my family. They never have close bond within the family but when i had conflict with his family he sided with them. His job require him to work at night and i had my own routine activity in the morning so we barely meet each other. Only when we sleep which is also not in the appropriate time. He went home at 2am while im sleeping and i go out at 8am while he is still sleeping.How to break this cycle? Its really hard to have a conversation with him without it ending in argument. He will always yell at me if he feel cornered. When i tell him he changes a lot he doesnt realise it. When i say he become more and more irresponsible he says i never be grateful of things. I notice some changes in his appearance too. He become more concious of his appearance while he never ever bother about his appearance before since we meet. We also never have sex anymore since im pregnant. He rejects me when i want to initiate one. He said he is concern with the baby well being and once he said he doesnt feel into sex with pregnant woman and promised we will have regular sex after i give birth which is still half year to go. I know some of you would think he is cheating on me. I dont know and wish im wrong. I dont have any evidence to prove that. I dont know am i just overthinking as i have the tendency to do so or maybe i let him loose too much. Surely i need to do some changes now or it will get worse. I really need some advice on what should i do next. Its really hard to have conversation about our relationship or my feeling to him without he being angry and said hurtful things to me.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): You keep on answering your own questions, you DO NOT TRUST HIM, you do not believe he is sincere, his behavior is out of the ordinary, it must be because this is concerning you enough to post on here. As i said you need to trust your gut feeling and it is clearly telling you what you are asking. You are under no obligation to ask your parents to help him financially. Why can he not get a job to support you, why does it have to be a business venture when a lot fail and his track record shows he does not do well trying to work for himself? At the end of the day he has a baby on the way, he could do a job, save money and invest money he saves himself, it is NOT down to your parents to take a gamble with their money, chances are they would say no anyway.At best because you have said they are successful you and he could sit down with them and get some useful tips, guidance and advice on being self employed and how best to make it work, that is YOU supporting him. You have your baby to think of, that is your main concern, of course being married you would hope to support each other as a family unit but he has to understand it is NOT yours or your families place to take the risk of losing money.You know the answers really to your question, after being with him ten years you must know him well enough to have worked him out. He HAS changed because you have noticed, he is not trustworthy with money, you have said and his family have said and you doubt his motives. But whether you can stay together and his genuine feelings for you, only he knows and you to a certain extent. Stick to your guns and do not back down on what you know is right.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 I think you'd be downright crazy to lend him any money , with his horrible track record. You don't trust him , with money and in general, and rightly so, because in the past he has already shown himself insincere, unreliable, irresponsible , both with money and in general. ( You admit it yourself in this post, plus I remember your previous posts since way before you got married ).
Then again, if one is capable to screw over his own father and mother, imagine how little can it take for him to screw over a wife toward whom he is , at best,lukewarm.
I also think I understand now why your in-laws were so anxious to see you married and pressuring you to tie the knot asap, when you still were not that convinced. What with your family being much more affluent than his, and your father having declared himself willing to help you out with buying a house and other stuff... they must have thought, well at least if our son gets into some fix, he can turn to HER, and leave us alone ! ( which, apparently, is happening right now ).
As for the " blackmail " he uses that if he is not financially independent you cannot move out from his parents' house .... I know that you can't wait to move out ( and I don't blame you ) and that you'd do anything to make it happen. The problem is : do you believe him ? Blindly ? CAN you believe hom ?
Hmm.. I wouldn't. He has a history, with you, of not mantaining his promises, and of only telling you the part of the truth that it suits him for you to know. In short, so far he said what he had to say to get what he needs to get. What makes you think he changed all of a sudden ?
For all you know, it's perfectly possible that , even IF this time he succeeded in business, he still would find some excuse to not move out ! With all his " independence " ( a.k.a. secretiveness ) he seems very much under his parents' thumb, and also very used to the convenience of having someone else running his household and sparing him costs and responsibilities .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): Im not sure what he is thinking.. sometimes i feel i dont know him well because he is not very open about his feelings to me. He thinks i cant help him with anything so he doesnt like to tell me problems in his life. I feel he is weird because he has a rigid relationship with his family. They also dont trust him and they asked me about him several times hoping to get a clue what hes doing outside. He has problem with freedom. He doesnt want to be controlled by his family all his life and thats become his motivation to be succeed and independent. Yes, his family is controlling and i also feel suffocated there but what he did is far too much.
He started his own business lending money from his parent and when problem came (money is being run by his customer) he deal with it by himself without explaining to them what happen to him. He borrowed money several times and never returned it without explaining he is closing the debt of his previous problem. Now he doesnt want to borrow more money from them and want to borrow it from my parent. Told me that money given by my parent will be put into my account and its when he needs it for trading i transfered it and when customer paid it will transfered to my account. He doesnt touch the money he said. This money is for different business that he is going to start. His previous business is promising but still gain less to pay the debt before.
I still kinda feeling used right now. I shouldnt feel like this with my own husbnd but i think he gave too many promises to me that never happen. He said he will spend more time for us which is never happen and he seems not really care about me anymore becoming more irresponsible. I know part of him resent me for not helping him get through his problems. He knows i want to move out from my in law house and he is like threatening me last night saying if he still asked money from his parent how can we move out and told me to stay in his house more as now i went home daily.
What do you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): Only you know his normal behavior, is it out of the ordinary for him to say he misses you when he is away? Is he sometimes unexpectedly open with his feelings?
The thing is you seem to be very doubtful of his intentions, you have stated 'I don't trust him' that is YOUR gut feeling. So hold off lending him money if you don't feel it is the right thing to do and you feel he should ask his own parents.
I know that you are supposed to support him as a wife but you also need to trust your gut and again be honest with yourself, is his behavior odd, it seems to me you think it is but look over the years you have had together and think back, has he randomly let out his feelings to you??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): Do financial problem makes him different? He is now asking me for help to lend money from my parent as a capital for his business. He refuse if i say ask from his parent. I think he feels burderned as he already borrow money from his parent and things dont went well. He otherwise try to ask his friends for joining the new business to have some share in it.
He was sweet this several days to me. And this morning he asked me can we borrow money from my parent for his new business. And i said can you just borrow from your own parent and for the warehouse my parent will borrow it for you for free as my dad have many unused warehouses. He said okay he will figure it out by himself and when i asked him what hes doing he said he is asking some of his friends to take share in his new business. I feel his response to me is a bit colder then. I know he is dissapointed im not helping him while he know we surely can afford it. But actually i dont trust him financially. I just dont know why. Maybe because his business isnt growing and loses otherwise.
Yesterday at 2am he text me asking am i sleeping. I reply him yes and why. He said he dream of me and he miss me so much. Am i being manipulated? Is he being kind to me this several days not because of he is missing me? But because he want something from me?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Only you are in the relationship to know if it is worth carrying on. In what way does he lie to you? Ask yourself are they little lies or do they show him in a very bad light? The tattoo, well at the end of the day it is his body and his choice but i guess the annoyance comes from him saying he has no money. With some people even if they have little it doesn't stop them wanting something and maybe he was just impulsive and got one done. Has he moved away to try and get on his feet financially before the baby is born? Is he possible stressed with worrying about being a father if he is worried about the financial side? What you need to do is think about what it is you want to know from him, if it helps write down the questions so you know in your own mind what is worrying you and i cannot say it any louder ask him but not in a petulant child way but as an adult, his equal, his wife. Only by communicating without accusation can you really get the answers as we are only second guessing your relationship and it's dynamics. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, he may love you very much but i am guessing you have changed since becoming pregnant and for you both it is a big change. But again i am second guessing how he feels. I hope it works out for you but remember talk to him as an adult at all times and your relationship will at least become an equal an open one if you do so, best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Code warrior had a different take on your post. I think you have to be honest with yourself, is it true what he has said?
If you are guilty of putting him down and that he has had to fight then the relationship has been imbalanced by your behaviour. I said you're an equal not superior or inferior, think about how you have and do act and be honest with yourself, has he just had enough of you putting him down?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Thank you im the poster of this question. He got sneaky sometimes. He knows ihate tattoo but he got one behind my back. I just knew it after a week accidentally. He try to hide it from me. He said he is in money tight cindution but yet he got a tattoo. Whenever he did something wrong he will sweet talk me. Im not trying to be victim here. I dont wish i will live like this if i can choose.
Why i dont trust him? Because he had lied to me so many times before. Its like he is pathological liar. He would lie from small things to crucial things. He usually avoid questions and hate serious discussions. When i ask him something he will ask me to get back to sleep. He used to genuinely care about me. But now i think he doesnt really bother about my well being anymore. He is more self centered now.
Why i still love him and be with him? Sometimes he still did things that touch my heart. Like not being calculating things with me financially and emotionally. I know if he succeed in the future, he will try to make me happy again like we used to. From years before until now he keep promising to give me better life if he succeed and he is trying really hard to work for that. I never ask for money from him as i come from far more wealthier family than his but if i tell him im going out with my friends he will ask me do i have some money and he will give me money to spend.
I suspect he got influenced by his family to see me differently as me and his family has no good relationship and he is obedient to his parent type. Some of my friends agree with this. Now we are living separately in different city as he is learning some new skill with his brother in law and stay in his sister house in another city for a month. He gives me more attention like video call me several times a day and keep telling me what he is doing. Its been 5 days he went there and i think he is nicer to me. Does he need more space from me? We already had no deep connection when he is here.. or maybe he saw and learnt how the happy family is? I feel i dont fully know him right now..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2018): You hit the nail on the head when you pondered 'I don't know if he now takes me for granted'. I am sorry but that is exactly how it seems, you are now married and with his child on the way, you are dependent on him more than ever and he knows that.
A lot of men are put off having sex with their partners when they are pregnant, that is true. You could see how the relationship goes once your baby is born, be patient and see if things get better, easier said than done when your hormones and feelings will be running high.
If i was to give you the best advice i could it would be to try and stay an adult, what i mean is if you feel like a child and respond to him as a child and he talks to you like he is a parent try to be who you are, an equal adult. Instead of saying 'You make me feel this way' change it to 'I feel that you are this way towards me; that way you are taking control of your feelings and doing it without accusation and in a childlike way, i hope you understand what i mean?
When you talk to him try to do so as an equal adult, his wife, you are his equal, do not resort to child like accusations and behaviors, trust me in doing so you put him in control.
I hope it works out for you but remember who you are, you are not just some woman in his life, you are his wife and you are carrying his child, don't be beaten down and lose your self confidence, good luck, i hope to hear how you are getting on
...............................
|
