A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have this 'friend' (we have a very complicated relationship and sleep together), and we have a bit of a problem with arguing. I consider myself to be a very easy person to get along with, and I absolutely despise fighting. Yet for some reason, you mix the two of us together, and it's like dynamite. I find that she pushes all the right buttons with me and I lose my temper. Before I know it, I'm really stressed out and she's putting me down and it's an absolute mess. It's really important to me not to carry on this way, as my parents bitterly fought like this all growing up and I have worked very hard to never speak to other people in a condescending manner like that. But I'm partaking in it and I can't seem to stop it. I don't know what to do. We are very, very different people. I'm a staunch atheist and she's a Christian. I'm extremely liberal and she's very conservative. And I find it so hard not to go berserk when she says things about minorities or drops a racial slur. And I drive her nuts when I make a joke about religion and she doesn't find it funny (I never mean it intentionally). Then all hell breaks loose. I'm beginning to think maybe we just can't be friends/whatever it is we are. But I also have known her for years and don't want to lose that. We have discussed this before numerous times and yet can't seem to get it together. What to do? I'm beginning to think she likes it or that it doesn't bother her. I believe she may think it's normal to talk to people that way. I, however, don't remotely believe that. I never think it's okay to put anyone down and it really gets to me. How do I handle this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 To me it sounds like you are both just not compatible at all. It doesn't sound like even a friendship would work as you are both very different. I know this is hard to hear when you like someone and want them in your life, but sometimes the truth can make you see that deep down you are very unhappy in this situation and sometimes feelings are not enough to carry on seeing someone.
She knows what to say to set you off in a rage, and therefore that is not a good thing in any relationship. Off course everyone has arguments, but if it is more arguments than good times, I would be questioning why do you keep going back? Putting you down all the time shows disrespect, she sounds like she could be jealous of you slightly and this is why she brings you down, it could be that she is insecure. She may need help to deal with her issues, or maybe she is just not a very nice person and likes to talk like that to people.
You know what it is like to grow up in this environment so this should make it even more easier for you to get out now before children are involved or things get serious. Your religious matters should be kept to yourselves if you want this to work, but you making jokes about her religion doesn't help either, as she probably feels that you are putting her and her beliefs down when you make a joke, yes you might not mean to but it does still hurt her. She has her beliefs and you have yours and if you both want a relationship you need to make it so that this does not come in between you.
A lot of people like getting in to arguments and heated discussions, while others don't. I think no matter what you both try you are both going to disagree with each other. You make it out that she is always putting you down, but am sure you are doing the same without realizing. I think you both need to accept you are to different to be together.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2016):
 It's a pretty clear case of incompatibility if you ask me and maybe... a little bit of lack of respect for each other's views and feelings.
If she makes you miserable, if this happens OVER and OVER - why keep doing it?
She isn't going to change and my guess is, neither are you.
So what you have are two people who really aren't a great fit. You have square peg, round hole trying to force it into some semblance of a FWB relationship.
You BOTH know how to push each other's buttons and you BOTH do it.. but don't seem to know why. Maybe that is what you need to focus on? And maybe to accept that square peg, round hole doesn't make for a great "home improvement job".... (relationship).
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