A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I started an affair with a guy from work around 1 year ago, who actively pursued me. The relationship I was in was physically and dometically abusive and around 5 months ago after police involvement I left him and moved out on my own, which was a daunting experience for me. I also have ad hige family problems with my sister and ex boyfriend causing a lot of drama for me. Anyway I am moving on from that,The guy I have been seeing has been supportive and practically stays with me every night at mine or at his, I dont think he is seeing anyone else and I know I am not but he seems emotionally not there anymore. He came on really strong with all these ideas about moving away together and starting a family but lately he has seemed like a closed book, and with it being christmas he hasnt arranged when or if he is seeing me and also if he is even getting me a present. He has kids with an ex of his which their relationship seems amicable but I always wonder if he still harbours feelings for her and whether he will ever get back with her. I dont know, maybe I am overthinking too much or over analaysing, I feel like I have been really pushy lately, and acting really needy and weak. But it bothers me that he hasnt introduced me to his family or friends, and we rarely go out anywhere and he rarely treats me anymore. Maybe he has gotten way too comfortable, maybe he has lost interest, maybe he thinks now he has me he doesnt have to try? I dont know. But i feel like I am coming accross like really attached and committed and hes kinda pulled away a bit, he never seems to give much away anymore, i believe he genuinely likes and cares for me, but whether he actually loves me or is in love with me I dont know. I dont know whether it was a flash in the pan or a the excitement of an affair, but we have been involved with each other for almost a year now and I feel like its not improving or moving on at all, it just seems to be staying the same. Maybe I should cool it a bit and leave him to it? I honestly dont know, plus we work together so there is always that complication. And, prior to me, he was involved with another girl in this office for around three months but that ended badly. I feel like he does like me but since I have become more open about my feelings and more available his interest has waned slightly and its driving me mad because I do like the guy a lot.I just dont know what to do to get the power back again.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2017): The greatest percentage of office-romances are nothing but sexual-flings. Your work-place is not a dating-pool; and things get really messy and awkward when the relationship goes south.
If a guy doesn't introduce you to his family; he's not serious about you. He's definitely not in-love with you or he would have made it his business to let you get to know his kids; and you wouldn't be writing a post asking what you should do.
He's a co-worker, a divorcee, has kids, and an ex. He's tepid about you, and you wonder why? Because he just wanted an affair.
He told you what you wanted to hear; so you'd be agreeable to some sexual-pleasure on a regular basis. The affair has run it's course; and he's sort of waiting for you to call it quits. That's the best way to avoid drama and any conflict at work. I call it the "dried-leaf" technique. You cut-off all nourishment to the relationship she dries-up, shrivels, and falls off. Then you don't have to look like the cad who dumped her. It was her choice; so it's a clean break. It's cowardly and underhanded.
Please don't take this mess to work.
There was no power to gain or lose. It was an affair with a co-worker; which has a low success-rate to begin with. At best, you were friends with benefits. Now you're expecting somethings serious; when he's got to contend with child-support and scheduled-visits. If he is only recently divorced; his ex hasn't completely come to terms with the break. His last 0ffice-affair he had was probably the reason for the divorce. He probably has a long-list of affairs.
You pick-up your dolls and dishes, and you move on with your life. You pretend to be completely detached and professional on the job, and make better choices in men in the future.
Preferably men who don't work where you work. Divorcees are a dicey choice. They're caught between dealing with an ex and wanting to be free. They can't wait for random sex-capades! It takes a couple of years before the post-divorce dust settles; so he was a bad choice in soooooo many ways!
Enjoy the Holidays with family you can get along with. Try and mend your relationships with family. If you don't have friends, then you need some work. Any relationship would be short-lived if you make a guy the center of your universe. The neediness is overwhelming and smothering.
People who come from dysfunctional-families and always at war with siblings are as bad as divorcees. Their lives are always in upheaval; and they've got a lot of personal-issues that need more attention than getting into romantic-relationships.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (14 December 2017):
What power are you trying to get back? You had no power. It seems to me you jumped into a relationship with this guy to get away from the abusive guy which put you in a pretty weak position to begin with. If this guy is pulling away let him go. He is realizing that having full time is not always so pleasing a thing as wanting or having part time.
Then take some time to be by yourself and work on yourself. Figure out why there is drama in your life and what you can do to combat it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2017):
 You never had the power with this guy, OP
But I think your primary concerns should be focussed on working on yourself, not on HOW to "snatch" a guy who is pulling away.
You JUST ended a violent and abusive relationship 5!! months ago. It's really too soon to jump into a new one. Especially with the "office flirt". If there is a pattern of him dating women at work for SHORT term flings... You need to accept the reality that he might do the same to you. Dating a coworker is the WORST thing you can do. You go to work to earn a living not to pick up guys to "rescue" you from your crappy life. And when things don't work out... AWKWARD!!
He was fine with rescuing you from your drama and being the knight in shiny armor, however... that doesn't mean he wants to introduce you to his family or spend Christmas with you, or... have a serious relationship with you.
Focus on you. Pull back with the neediness. It's RARELY attractive.
You two started out as an affair, something salacious, forbidden, exciting... and now... a year later it's not so exciting anymore. (for him)
After a year you should KNOW where you stand with a guy. You should know if he WANTS to be with you and if he loves you. And you know none of it. After a year you should both have gotten to meet each other's friends and family. HE has CHOSEN not introduce you to his. Which is why I think YOU need to be the one pulling away. I don't think he is serious about you.
You chose to cheat to get away from your crappy ex-BF and this new guy enjoyed being the one to show you how great a guy can be, but I don't think he wants a serious relationship or future anymore.
YOU CAN NOT build a future on "he said this and that" and promised me we would be together blah blah blah. Those are WORDS. Words are cheap. So cheap they got you into bed and sleeping with him. And now the novelty has worn off and he is slowly dropping you. He might have meant them when he said them, doesn't mean he means them now.
I think you need to work on standing on your own two feet. Jumping from one man before letting go of the "old" one... it's not a good move.
So pull back, do your OWN thing. Get your life back on track. If you keep pushing, he will keep backing away. But by showing him that you CAN be on your own, you can live without drama - he might see who you really are. Not saying this will make him chase you again, but it will give you the opportunity to extract yourself with the least amount of drama in your private life and at work.
If you have no solid plans for the Holidays, consider volunteering and doing something WORTH while with your time. something YOU can be proud of.
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