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How do I get past these horrible feelings I have?

Tagged as: Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 November 2009)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm disgusted with myself. 5 yrs ago, I got pregnant, it wasn't planned, I was shocked, I was on birth control and there it was. My bf at the time was very supportive, however after a length discussion we decided not to have our child.

A year later he cheated and fathered a child with someone else.

We stayed together and I got pregnant and lost my baby at 4.5 months. I was devastated and he accused me of killing our child because of my constant vomiting and because I was unable to eat.

3 yrs later, this past April I find myself pregnant again and I tell my fiance we're having a baby.

I'm about 5 wks along and I have a kidney and bowel infection, I've lost 15 pounds and I can't even hold down water.

He didn't think the baby was his (it was), I told him we were going to be parents, that I wanted this child. He said whatever you want, then got upset as I threw up for the 20th time that day telling me to get rid of it as he couldn't take anymore. I couldn't have sex, I was ill and was hardly sleeping (I was also dealing with depression).

Like a fool, I did it. I killed my baby, he drove me to the clinic and afterwards said I he kept getting me pregnant and I kept killing his kids, and that I used abortion as a form as birth control. He dumped me 2 months later.

Since that day, I've cried, tried to take my life and try to forgive myself (I can't). I couldn't bring myself to have him touch me, I didn't want to get pregnant again and he wouldn't wear protection. I told him not now I'm not ready, I was still tramatized over the dumbest thing I have ever done. I hate myself and I can't get past it. What's worse he told everyone what I did out of spite.

My baby would have be born today, same day as his daughter with the other woman.

How do I get past this and stop feeling like a child killing monster?

View related questions: abortion, fiance

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you all so much. The past 6 months have been hell, and had I not made such a hasty, horrible decision I would of been a mother this month.

It hurts to think of all I'll miss, christmas and birthdays. That child was wanted and loved by me. I have talked to a councillor, which has helped a bit but it won't change anything.

I realize now if he wanted that child as much as I did, then my baby would of made it into the world. I'm working through this and hopefully by the grace of God, I'll be better for it.

Thank you so much for not judging, it was more than he did.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

I hope you have nothing to do with this selfish, insensitive (though that is not strong enough) immature man. He has done nothing but treat you like a machine not a human being and his terrible emotional abuse has led you to associate trauma with other events and I fear you may be caught in a viscious cycle. Please get grief counselling - loss is loss in whatever shape or form it takes and there are people to listen and support you. Unless you take this brave step you will not be free. I know you will be able to heal and find a wonderful man to care and love you and that your time will come to be a mother again. Be kind to yourself now and take one step at a time. You are beating yourself up and don't need to - he is not, absolutely not, worth it. Good luck to the other woman who he is going to be parenting a child with - she will need it. Just concentrate on yourself and in time you will find your srength return to focus on your health once your emotional trauma has lessened.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry, if I wasn't clear. I had a miscarriage three years ago

My ex blamed me for my miscarriage as I was so ill. I went through my miscarriage alone, I never got to grieve as I felt guilty. I felt as though I lost my child because I terminated the first one.

There is no excuse for my second termination, I wanted that child and I was too spineless and weak to stand up for myself and I did the one thing I vowed I'd never do again. Once was enough, there never should have been a second time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

First off all, get away from this guy. Get away from him.

It's easy for me to say "dump this loser" and all that but I know it's not that simple or you would have done it already. All I can tell you is to try to do it as best you can. The sooner you can cope with living your day to day life w/o him, the easier it will be to leave him in the permanent sense. You need other emotional support systems at least as much as other physical things.

As for abortions - if you're not ready for children the you're not ready.

I hope you realize that nature does not normally carry a concieved child to term every time either. Not even close. The pro-life movement would have you believe that a typical conception is going to either be born 9 months later as a healthy child or else cruelly murdered, but the truth is a lot messier. Most women will carry fetuses for short periods of time that they never knew they even had.

Life and nature and child-rearing are not exact sciences. It's extremely difficult even in an ideal situation. I hope you can forgive yourself for feeling like this was the wrong time for you and this guy to attempt it.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (11 November 2009):

You can feel free to send me a PM, I know what you're going through to a certain extent. I hope you're not with that guy anymore?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

Thank God he's out of your life. If you have any contact with him, lose it. This person is toxic.

Aside from the physical illnesses coupled with your pregnancies, you have to talk to a councillor about this - if you aren't already. There's so much going on in this situation that it's hard to give a clear-cut answer...Self-hate, depression, attempted suicide...You need to talk to someone in person about this. Please, please, please seek out professional, trained support. Healthy people get help, and you're doing great by reaching out! Keep going!

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