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How do I get over this anger toward my ex?

Tagged as: Big Questions, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 September 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

It's been over 3 months since me and my ex broke up. Tonight a mutual friend said he has been really low for a few weeks and that could I talk to him.

I had blocked him on everything and although I felt okay, I wasn't sure it was a good idea....

I decided to unblock him and send a slightly cold message along the lines of "Hi. A mutual friend said you were low, I don't see how I can help. If you would rather talk to someone else, just say." So it's kind of obvious I didn't want a conversation. He replied and.....I just snapped. Everything I never said before, exploded out of me then. I told him how much of an a**hole he was for sexting another girl 2 days after I miscarried our child. I was sarcastic and condescending. And I just let out all the stuff I should've said before about how he treated me.

He kept saying sorry and "I'm trying to better myself and make amends, all I can say is sorry".... so many sorry's...and they all felt hollow. Nothing he said seemed like enough to make me feel better for how he treated me. And that really concerned me... how am I supposed to move on and forgive, when talking to the person gets me nowhere?

OH and just so you know, I'm never getting back with him, I just don't want to harbour this anger anymore.

View related questions: broke up, move on, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI am sorry for the loss off your baby and I am sorry that your partner didn't support you through the toughest time.

I get you didn't want to text him and yes your message did show you did not want to help him. However it has been three months and you have had a lot of anger build up inside off you, and now finally you have let it out and told him how it made you feel. Him saying sorry is not going to make a difference to you now, however getting everything off your chest might have actually helped you in the long run. Anger is part off the process when you have suffered a loss and the person closest to you disrespects you at the time. I get why you where angry and those things needed to be said. He may be feeling low yes because he also lost a child, but what he done was unforgivable and there is no excuse for it. I hope now you can move on knowing that you had a chance to tell him what he done to you and how it effected you. Now maybe you can close the chapter in your life where he was part off it and move on. I would block and delete him now and if you need it maybe get some counselling for the loss off your precious angel baby. Also this mutual friend was completely out off order asking you to do this and in future you need to be honest and tell them when they do something like this that it is not okay. Honestly if it was me I would have been angry at my friend for even suggesting you reach out to him after everything you have been through and the way he treated you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 September 2018):

I'm so very sorry about your miscarriage. I think you should seek some counseling. All the anger is an indication that you really need to speak to someone professional. Don't handle it all alone.

It's never good to break no-contact once you've moved-on the first few months. Your emotions are too raw to make sense, or to be reasonable. The wounds are still fresh.

Your fit of rage was quite unnecessary; because you shouldn't have bothered in the first-place. What did you accomplish with all that venom?

The best time to vent and say your piece to someone who has hurt you; is when you're feeling strong and courageous enough to say the words, and they won't fallback and crush you even more. It's okay to get it all off your chest; but if you feel worse afterwards, it was just too soon!

You're in your grieving and detachment-period. Nothing good will come out of your mouth, if you deeply harbor bitterness. After saying all the angry words, you'll feel no better for it. It won't change one single thing. All you've proven is that he still has power and control over your emotions. You feel so much worse; because nothing he says or does eases your pain. You can't reverse time. In fact, being around him; or contacting him, only amps-up your suffering!

Check your anger, it's way too toxic!

There are times in our lives we have love, joy, and celebration. We also must endure loss, disappointment, rejection, grief, and loneliness. It's what life is comprised of; but each and every period of discomfort in our lives comes to an end. You come-out on the other-side. What you survive makes you stronger; and you'll fare better when it hits again. You'll still feel discomfort and pain; but you'll get through it.

Bitterness and anger will consume you; unless you learn to forgive. You can hold onto it as long as you like; but it hurts no one more than it hurts you. Anger slows the process of healing, it stalls your progress towards normalcy. You have more control over it than you think.

A nasty vengeful or vindictive heart will keep you feeling your pain maybe even years from now. So you better let go and stop wanting to make him feel your pain. You only amplified your pain; because you're full of hatred. That's why it feels so terrible.

If you worship, or have a faith. It's times like these that you should turn to it. Get some grief-counseling from your faith-leader. Meditate and pray.

Healing starts from within. You need comfort, both body and soul. Spend a little time with your mother, grandmother, or an older-woman close and dear to you. Women help each other heal in times like these. Men can't feel what you feel; or express emotion as you do. Women are better equipped at getting you through the profound loss of a miscarriage; and the misery of a broken-heart. You need a kind shoulder to cry on. That doesn't mean to fall to pieces or to give-up.

Only for a little while; because you have to draw from your inner-strength. Life must go on. We must survive and prosper in spite of setbacks and downfalls. You've got another 50 or 60 years to go. Don't be angry, forgive.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI would simply stop talking to him. Block, delete, remove.

I think the longer you stay in contact with him, the longer it will take for you to move forward.

If this mutual friend tells you again that HE feels bad, tell her .." Too bad, he isn't my problem any more". Whether he feels bad or not, is no longer rellevant for you. Seriously.

He said he was sorry, so take that as him knowing he hurt you and that he AFTER the fact admitted to doing wrong.

As for making amends... WHAT can he really do? *hint* not a thing. NOR do I think he would try and figure some "amend-like things out". It's just words, OP. They are meant NOT for you, but for him to assuage his OWN guilt for being an immature dick-wad of a BF.

You don't OWE him to forgive him. At some point you DO owe it to yourself to let it go. That might include forgive him (not to his face but simply in your head). At some point you will realize that He isn't worth all this anger. YOU being ANGRY at him... is like taking poison and hoping he will die... If you get my meaning.

Being angry at him... makes sense! Who wouldn't be?

But the longer you carry around the anger, self-doubt will creep in (if you let it) and you might start to think, it's your fault somehow. It's not. REMEMBER that. you didn't force him to cheat. Even if you were upset, miserable, hurting over the miscarriage - you CERTAINLY didn't MAKE him or PUSH him to sext other women 2 days after your loss. THAT was his choice and if I may be frank... I BET it wasn't the first time he did this. You might not have known. You might have suspected. Either way, it doesn't matter.

What DOES matter is that you deal with the grief of losing the baby. And the grief that the relationship is over. It's OK to be sad and mad. JUST don't wallow. That won't help you move forward.

CUT him off and focus on you and YOUR future. Be around people who are a POSITIVE influence in your life, socialize, try a new thing, set some new goals, shot and long term and then GO for them.

He is NOW part of your past. You owe him squat.

Time to look forward.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2018):

Now you need to block him and reconsider this “friend”... after all the crap your ex put you through the mutual friend literally wants you to counsel your ex?? So unfair and doesn’t sound like a great friend to me.

I think it was a good idea to get that anger off your chest (I wish I had gotten that chance with some!) but now you must move forward and not let that bitterness destroy you. I would suggest using counseling, exercise, time with family and close friends, meditation, journaling, etc.

You lost a child and a relationship. I am so very sorry that happened to you, and suspect you may be experiencing “the perfect storm” of grief. A mental health professional can help you figure out your new normal.

Be proud you are already seeking advice and being strong. Best of luck!

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (16 September 2018):

You are under no obligation to help your ex not feel low. You don’t have to talk to him you don’t have to be friends with him and you don’t have to engage him on social media. If you want to block him block him and don’t allow friends to guilt you into engaging with him.

With time the anger will fade but even after it does it doesn’t mean you have to talk with this guy.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (15 September 2018):

Ciar agony aunt'So it's kind of obvious I didn't want a conversation.'....actually that's exactly how it looked, but maybe this time you got something out of it.

He sex texts another woman 2 days after you miscarry and some bimbo 'mutual friend' has the nerve to ask you to call and help HIM??

What irks me about folks like this, and we've all known plenty of them is that by their actions they are really saying one of two things: 1) your ex has been a buzz kill since you broke up. Would you please call and fix him for me" and 2) Whatever pain you experienced that led to this break up isn't nearly as bad as what your ex feels now.

Your ex feels low because he behaved 'low' and it didn't work out for him. That is not the same as remorse. Notice he didn't call you to make amends, to own his actions and ask how YOU were doing.

Maybe some of your anger comes from that, and the fear that despite being a little wiser today, you are still vulnerable to someone like him in the future. When we think we're angry about the past, it's often because the conditions that allowed something to happen to us in the past continue to exist in the present.

In any event, it's only been three months. Take whatever steps you need to protect yourself and let time do the rest. And don't listen to that bozo friend again.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSounds like you were keeping a lid on your anger for the past 3 months. Hopefully you will start feeling better now that you have lifted that lid and released the anger.

It is not going to happen overnight. You are still on a "high" from your conversation with your ex, still running on adrenalin. However, once you "come down", you should start to feel better.

Did you get counselling to help you get over the loss of your baby? If not, then it might be a good idea to consider getting some. Your grief will be mixed with feelings of anger at your ex. Coming to terms with our loss may help enormously to moving on from your ex.

In your shoes I would also block him on everything again so that he cannot contact you again. Tell your mutual friend(s) that you have no interest in speaking with him again and that they are not to pass on any messages from him.

Sending hugs. I hope you start to heal soon.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2018):

Only you can draw a line under that. You have every right to be angry and when a relationship breaks down like bereavement we tend to go through a grieving process, look it up, you are at the anger stage.

You can't hold onto it forever, so at some point you will get to the acceptance stage, so long as you don't become bitter from this experience.

You cannot say for sure whether he really feels bad or not, only he knows that. You have said how you feel, maybe you are disappointed you lashed out??

Work on yourself and healing from what has happened, accept that this is one man and they are not going to be all the same, if you adopt that attitude you will become bitter. Let him go and don't contact him again if you do not want to, it is not your place to make him feel better and you knew this deep down.

Time is a healer, focus on people you are close to, try and do fun things so not to sit dwelling on what has happened and be kind to yourself, you was angry, you had every right to be, now choose a day very soon and draw a line under it.

Best of luck

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