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How do I get over him and him with his new girlfriend (and the girlfriend being a part of my daughter's life)?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 April 2008) 2 Answers - (Newest, 8 April 2008)
A female Canada age 30-35, *eyna_babys writes:

My ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for over 6 years, we had lived together for about 4 of them, and we had have a 2 and a half year old daughter. due to financial reasons we had to move apart (back in with our parents) and after a year and a half almost 2 years of living apart we moved back in together, when I was living with my parents he didn't really ask to have our daughter stay with him ever. Once we moved back together I thought things where great, but after only 3 months of living together he said he was going over to his mothers to help his mom, then called and said he wasn't coming home... ever.

I thought things where going great with us (back as a family again) but now we have been broken up for about 3 and a half months. I loved and do love him with all my heart, and want him back more then almost anything, I find out now that he's been dating a girl for almost 2 months now and his new girlfriend was and is more important then his daughter, he would rather spend time with his girlfriend then his own daughter! That's the part the hurts me the most! I still love him but I don't know how to get past this, now all of a sudden he is moving in with his girlfriend and wants to take our daughter every other weekend to start and then split her time with us 50-50 (I know I can't stop his new girlfriend from being in my daughter's life) but for pretty much her whole life it's only been me and her and now he wants to take her from me, I want him back and I want us to be a family, but I know it's not gonna happen, so how do I get over him and him with his new girlfriend (and the girlfriend being a part of my daughter's life) when I have to see and talk to him because we have a daughter together?

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (8 April 2008):

deejuliet agony auntJust because your ex says he wants to split your daughters time 50/50 between you does not mean that you have to agree to that. If you have been the sole caregiver and custodian of your daughter all this time you may have a good chance of getting the courts to grant you primary time in a visitation agreement. Tell your ex that you are happy he finally has decided his daughter is worth spending time with and raising, but that 50/50 is unacceptable. Give him your alternative time schedule, the one that you would be confortable with - say every other weekend for one night and one evening during the week for 4 hours (this is the schedule that I have with my ex). See if this is acceptable with him. Then you can have a negotiating point. If you cannot come up with an aggreement on your own, you will have to take it to the courts and let a judge or mediator decide. If that happens, chances are you will get closer to what you want than what he wants seeing as he has had next to nothing to do with your daughter for the past 2 1/2 years.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (8 April 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

I very sorry to see you going through this drama.

But this is one situation where time is a key. It will take time for you to heal, to accept that you will not be a family anymore.

But rest assured your ex's new girlfriend is never going to replace you in your daughters affections. In fact she will be going through all sorts of drama herself accepting having her boyfriends little girl in her life. Though I'm sure this is the least of your concerns.

In a way you should be happy that your ex wants to take an active role in bringing up his little girl. That at least speaks something for his character as a father ( not as a partner )

So you just need time to heal over your ex's behaviour. He was not much of a father before but he at least is now willing to be involved - your daughter will benefit from having her father in her life and that should be the most important thing for you - her wellbeing.

As for yourself, try and get active , join a club, meet up with friends, join toddlers support group. Basically do something which occupies your time, and eventually you will come across a man who will want to be part of your life - and you can start anew.

Good luck.

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