A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:4 years ago I became colleagues with a man I met online. He knew I was married from the beginning and he was always platonic with me, or so I thought, Things soon started getting weird between us and he started acting jealous whenever I'd mention/have a conversation with other men. Then there was sexual innuendo and tension, and his constant jealousy so I ended up confronting him about it and he immediately severed our friendship, blocking me on all online platforms. I tried to reconcile thru email, apologizing and trying make amends. He completely ignored all my requests making it clear under no uncertain terms he did not want to speak to me ever again. I accepted it and I decidedly moved on.3 years later he emails me out of the blue all of the sudden asking "how I'm doing." I was shocked. I never expected to ever hear from him ever again, things ended that badly between us. I figured I'd hear from my dead grandmother first before I'd ever hear a peep from him.And two weeks ago we had phone sex. I confessed to him that I loved him and he told me he wanted me to leave my husband and come live with him and he wants to get me pregnant. We have a very long and yet very short sordid past together, and despite all the years that have passed I never stopped loving him. I can never be with him because I will never leave my husband. At the same time, I'm in love with this man and I can't forget him, and it appears he feels the same.How do I move on from this? Do I go no contact? Go to counseling? I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that I will love him the rest of my life and will have to live my life without him. I feel resentful that he came back after all the time that had passed just to get me hooked again. Why would he do this to me? I was never over him but I was able to at least get on with my life knowing he was gone for good. Then he reappears and my heart is breaking all over again.
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grandmother, jealous, married woman, met online, move on, phone sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (13 July 2017):
Leave your husband he deserves better than a woman who doesn't love him. Maybe once you're divorced the love of our life will leave his wife to be with you. Hey it's worth a shot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): In such a dilemma, you stop and think about who you value the most in your life. Once you resort to cheating, it's a given that you value the other man over your husband. You have betrayed his trust and succumbed to your impulses and bad judgement.
Then you have to go back in retrospect and reassess the state and quality of your marriage. What's lacking that some other man has fulfilled? Most of the time it's really nothing more than lust. The sweetness of the forbidden fruit, the intrigue of having a dirty little secret, and sometimes it's just being spiteful. Satisfaction from just doing it and getting away with it. Needless to say, it's wrong on all counts.
If you would never leave your husband; then your reasoning isn't love and respect. It's security. It's about finances, and the loss of material-possessions. The embarrassment of being exposed.
You've opened yourself emotionally to someone else; which means somewhere you've closed yourself off to your husband.
Love for your spouse vs your lover spreads you too thin.
Okay, lets address this like intelligent adults. Get down to the knitty-gritty.
Over long-term, mature-relationships reach a plateau. We long for the surge of dopamine we used to receive when the relationship was fresh and new. The way oxytocin and vasopresson would give us a total high when we kissed, hugged, and made love. Our content and complacent lives, and lack of excitement due to familiarity; will dull our responses to these hormones. It's natural, and comes with aging. People well-established emotionally know how to overcome this; but selfishness overrules when people marry for the wrong purposes. They are not really emotionally-invested in each other; but needed to satisfy tradition, or keep-up with the demands of moral-society.
The heat can be rekindled, but it takes joint-effort and a real desire to do so. Love doesn't change, it evolves. You will always love each other for the same reasons and more. It gets stronger through exercise; or weakens due to the lack of effort, or indifference to the needs of our partners. Losing our self-control, to surrender to temptation.
We get selfish, and self-centered. Stubborn and self-righteous. Take each other for granted; because we've been there a long-time for each other. The "so what?!!" attitude sets in. "Old-reliable" is always there. Big deal!
You are searching and have made yourself emotionally unavailable to your husband. You're drawn to the intrigue and the excitement, because it's "different." Your husband only represents "security." He no longer means comfort or emotional-fulfillment. You've found another outlet. It promises "drama!" It's a fantasy come-true. Playing with fire, is what it truly is! The price is too high for a mid-life crisis and boredom.
Now you're attached, or hooked. For all the wrong reasons, and in spite of the consequences. Your husband may be more aware than you think, and could be taking advantage of your psychological-absence. You may not have all the secrecy and advantage that you think you have. He may be filling your emotional-vacancy with his own extramarital-affairs; but you're too involved to notice. Our mates sometimes know us better than we know ourselves. Sometimes they snoop!
He's bound to catch on sooner or later. If he is that naive, it's sad that he doesn't know you as well as he should. Perhaps you have reason (not justification) to go outside your marriage. Maybe something in the past. It will backfire eventually. You should have confronted your marital-problems head-on. Not seek other options without a divorce.
I think you should think about what his reaction would be if he did discover what was going on. How you would feel if you really hurt him and your family. How the betrayal devalues his trust; and the subsequent consequences, if he discovers what you're up to. Assess the sum of your losses; then determine the benefit of letting the other man invade your marriage. Which out-weights the other? Pros or cons?
"I can't help it!" is the convenient excuse for cheating. Woe unto a cheater, when the situation happens in reverse!
Decide to quit, or divorce. Before your husband beats you to it.
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (11 July 2017):
To the OP,1) Considering your age group, do your husband and you have children yet? Has this been a concern so far?2) When the beau adamantly blocked you 3 years ago, was that the first time you were experiencing this? 3) Over a span of how long did you 'work' at reconciliation with him, only to feel like you were having a conversation with yourself?I'll go out on a limb here and say, Welcome To The Club. What you are experiencing here is very much as "unique" as it is for everyone else on Earth.For the past F.i.f.t.e.e.n years, I've basically been in a state of self-hypnosis, from doing what you have done, banging on the door of … Guantanamo! ( *winks to @Solidus* )As for getting out of loving that other man:1) it's quite probable that he did it all on purpose2) you were not the first, and far from the last to whom he was doing this, at the same time!3) as long as you were contacting him, and he was ignoring you, and you kept contacting him, he knew he "had you"4) he has contacted you out of the blue because you had not contacted him in a long time, he figured he had let you simmer for long enough, and might be about to completely break free like the moon from the pull of the Earth one day5) if you do not have children and he knows it, then he also knew exactly how to give his simmering stew a bit of a stirring** and exactly which soft spot of yours to apply pressure on, hence the "getting you pregnant" phrase which held you in a trance.** @anonymous female – See what I've done there? :D Now, just say “I do!” , will you? :-)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 July 2017):
 How do you end it?
You take a few minutes and think about your husband.
If you don't want to leave your marriage and husband how is it FAIR to your husband for you to do all this crap behind his back? Doesn't your HUSBAND deserve more? From you, at least?
BLOCK this dude. Set his e-mail address to go straight to the trash or spam folder and BLOCK/DELETE him on all other social media or ways to contact you.
Take some responsibility here. You are not an innocent bystander you have been a WILLING participant.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): When a man plays away, it's cheating, wrong and they're a bastard. When a woman does it, it's an affair- steamy and hot.
Thing is, where did you feelings suddenly arise from if you had the problems you talk about in your previous friendship. It sounds to me like there was much more going on than you've told us.
All you can is cut ties and move on. It takes a little will power on your behalf.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): Dont make yourself available to love him!It would appear that you are something like a piece of cake to him.Firstly you have no opinion of your own. Secondly you dont mind being insulted.Thirdly if he disappears off the horizon for years and when he rears his ugly horn with faint promises of marriage you feel inclined to relinquish all at first bite despite being in your husbands bread bin for years with regular tasting.Maybe this other guys wrapper is so superior to yours that you loose all concrete thought entirely.We know for a fact that you are all soft on the inside, and tasting of strawberries and cream, but no need to be mushy!This guy has ignored you for years so dont get all creamed up!Ignore him and return the compliment by letting him know he is stale bread to you and you dont fancy making bread and butter pudding right now.If that doesnt work remind him that your husband expects his toad in the hole as often as possible and no other flavour will do for him.In fact it is so essential he married you!And get the notion that this other blokes stale crumbs are better far far away from your frosting!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 You only have yourself to blame. If you're so weak that you allow this man to just walk in and out of your life and take all these liberties with you then it's your problem, not his. You could have told him to take a hike, to get lost, to never ever call you again. He did that with you didn't he? He cut you off cold turkey. Why couldn't you?
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 You are not been honest to your husband, so you not putting you all into your relationship, that is putting the relationship with your husband in danger, How would you feel if he was having phone sex with someone behind your back, As Denizen said you need to move on, cut all forms of contact with this man, I can't see how you are going to get back to a full and honest relationship with your husband without coming clean to him, you are not really in a relationship fully with him for a long time,
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 Achy Breaky heart. Well at least you have been there and done it. You won't spend the rest of you life wondering what if. Now you know. Put it in a box and move on. It's life experience and we all carry our boxes until we decide to put them down and leave them by the side of the road.
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